Ashens Christmas Special 2014

[Music] hello ho ho did somebody say Christmas I imagine they did cuz you know even taking into account different languages and time zones that's a very commonly used word this time of the year and chances are somebody was saying it around then so as every year we've been off to poundland and by we I mean I and by poundland I mean poundland pound world and 99 P stores and we have picked up the very finest in Christmas tat and by finest well I think you know exactly what I mean by that by this time so we need to make the sofa look more christmy and this year for that we'll be using this poundland snow blanket not this one this is the empty packet this is the actual snow blanket wow just like freshly laid snow absolutely astonishing there we are off it goes can we fold it more nope it's ripping in half like some some sort of evil spiderweb that's not quite what we're after there marvelous it's exactly like that Disney film Frozen Let It Go Let It Go no I was only joking I'll be good I'll be good oh few dodged a bullet there folks right let's get ourselves some tat underway and we're going to start off with something sent in by a jolly viewer you know those marvelous um toy reindeer and things where you push their head down and they poo out a little brown jelly bean and everybody has a laugh I'm not entirely sure that quite so funny when the person doing the [ __ ] is Santa himself I think when you humanize this thing it kind of gets a bit creepy and we literally just have an olive skinned old man [ __ ] without taking his trousers down ready for the money shot one Santa one [ __ ] another problem of course is you know human exr not being quite the same as dung is it you know it's all a bit more offensive although he does seem to be pooing out rabbit droppings for some reason I don't know what you've been eating Santa whatever it is I don't imagine you've chewed it a lot cuz you don't seem to have any teeth who came up with this seriously well we can find out because of course we've got the packet poo pooing Santa which makes it more sound like he's just having to go at your dreams and goals you'll never manage that paladone just oh first for fun not sure we want to partake in the kind of fun you're offering but uh thank you all the same instructions well probably a bit late now open the flap in Santa's back and place The Confectionary inside his body couldn't we just feed it to him shake the Santa gently like the Santa he's gone from Santa to the Santa so like they thought he was the only one when he was writing this turns out he's just one of a species of Santas like that film where they going capture them in the wild shake the Santa gently to settle the sweets gently push down on the Santa's back and watches Santa poops the sweets out of his bottom thanks for that note due to the irregular shape of these sweets from time to time you you may find the toy becomes blocked and you'll need to empty the suits and remove the odd siiz Suite we hope this does not stop you enjoying the products I hadn't spotted that that's quite marvelous um yeah so basically plastic Santa can be constipated marvelous also best before May 2010 great now I've got to try one of the sweets have an ey rather than a sad onion we seem to have some kind of um I don't know sad scarecrow very strange any anyway ready for Santa diarrhea I think that just about sums up my feelings on the subject go let's try one of these horrible sweets that are four years out of date well they don't seem out of date they haven't gone soft or anything but uh they are disgusting they just taste vaguely of sugar and there's like no actual flavoring to them I imagine actually they'll last forever because there's nothing in them you want in the first place right clean up behind yourself s oh God have they just gone down the side of the oh no that's all right I thought they just disappeared into the sofa never to be seen again well let's get ourselves cheered up a bit after that quite frankly disgusting display with a flashing brooch which I think is supposed to be a Christmas tree but actually seems to be made out of uh six different mold PA it's like something from the quater Mass experiment oh my God they're alive and they're intelligent and they're from Mars and they've formed themselves into a Christmas tree for disguise why is it got a bell on the bottom surely it should have some sort of um you know I don't know trunk or maybe something for the trunk to go into we got the star on top maybe the alien hairy replicants here have sort of formed themselves into the shape of a Christmas tree we didn't fully understand it so I've just put a bell at the bottom and that's how qu Mass found them out right how do we make it flash um there's a big button on the back I'm going to guess it's that ready steady Christmas oh for some reason I thought these things would light up looking at them yeah it is just literally a bit of plastic glued to uh H one of Shrek testicles do you think yeah I think that's what it is this is a collection of Shrek testicles or Shrekless and uh yeah they've I don't really want to touch this anymore now no it said that thanks guys I also like the way that the uh LEDs seem to be brighter through the back than they are through the front thank you flashing brooch and what company did that come from it doesn't say but I know from this uh packaging this is poundland's own make press it again it turns it off hopefully there we are it's one thing Shrek doesn't need a Christmas it's flashing testicles right next up wood there's always nice wooden things on offer and here we've got this Jolly Santa family I look quite like the look of this when I first saw it you've got this pleasing Muppet shaped nose which sort of makes them look a bit well Muppet and everybody likes the Muppets they've got springy heads obviously the big one is much Springer than the other us the extra weight and there then as I looked at it more it start to freak me out slightly the first thing is they do seem to have been decapitated and have serious um well head stuck back on with spring problems but not only that why the blithering [ __ ] are there three of them why are there three different Santas why does Santa's family consist entire versions of himself does he just sit in the North Pole and clone himself is that how he gets around all the children at Christmas because there are thousands upon thousands of Santa Clones of varying sizes and is this one wearing a dress it hasn't got a belt on or is it just do you get the belt when you've killed a certain number of Rangers there's something weird going on with this very weird but on the plus side I think you could possibly fit a letter down there and use it as a letter rack if for some reason you wanted to horrify yourself at Christmas thanks for that wooden toy maker people now we're off to Ikea the shop I was going to attempt to describe Ikea then I remember I've never actually been in an Ikea cuz we don't have one locally my understanding is it's like a huge showroom um where you go through and they oh I like the look at that table write down the name the name is something like and then you write that down and then go to like a warehouse at the back and pick it up and stick it in your car and break the suspension and argue with your wife for the rest of your life this is um unnamed damn it most of these Ikea things have a humorous name on the back and I foolishly assumed without looking so we're just going to have to uh see the beautiful faces of these little Father Christmas dolls there anybody noticed the problem yet yep I'll bet you have Let's uh pull one out oh there we are we shall have this one we shall name him Eric Eric the Santa see the problem is um other than the fact that you know it's a very Gray beard as opposed to a white beard it doesn't go over the um the nose for a sort of mustache look at all does it it's just purely beard and in fact it just looks like it's body and so it doesn't look anything like Father Christmas at all it appears to be a wire wool demon come from the depths of Hell to clean all the lime scale off your taps or something so here we are 10 wire wool demons and a partridge in a pear tree I don't really know what to make of that other than the fact that there's like weird black hair sticking in it as well what is this free pubes with every purchase thanks Ikea that's really good of you I have something else from Ikea that somebody sent me years ago and I found up recently ah here we go this must be the most sparse functional and un Christmassy Christmas decoration in the history of the world it is merely Ikea fairy lights but they're just white they're just on a single um spread of well wire and nothing else and here's the real killer bit there's only 10 of them so youve just got this big battery thing switch it on you'd need a very specific use for these I think for them to look christmy at all it just looks like I don't know what robots would think Christmas would be like it saddens me with its lack of festiveness here we are sit in the background and look oh I can't even be bothered with that actually off you go in case it messes with the contrast come on we need some color in our lives where's another bright old Santa they're always good value here we are three tree decorations oh that's Jolly I like that looks like a finger puppet with it bums sewn up but um it's got a nice look to it big comedy nose and oh yeah you've ruined the illusion there mate by having your nose appear halfway down your beard there we are everything's better oh this is just getting depressing Now quickly the angels will save us with three lovely angel tree decorations look at them the little cherubic faces that um appear to be quite badly bruised I think they were going for like a Rosy cheek look it looks more like they've been repeatedly punched in the face I can only assume they've got some sort of underground Boxing Club going on with each other the first rule of Angel Fight Club is you do not talk about angel Fight Club yeah you want to put some Savin on that El Son maybe a bit of steak or something and some potatoes everybody likes [Music] potatoes now here's a really lovely donation thank you so much to whoever sent in whatever the freaking hell this polar bear thing is actually is made of I don't know it's where is it from clearance now $2.98 I'm not surprised from Target that's like a huge uh chain in America isn't it hang on I want to see how much it was beforehand oh it's the second time it's been on clearance no no don't get upset weird V creature um oh it is now 298 they just put two stickers on with the same price good work Lads but what's under how much was it originally come on the world demands answers was $9.99 just SP $10 for threshold quality and design are two things we don't allow in our company bear sisle I Can't Describe to you how painful this is to pick up is basically consisting entirely of horrible spikes you can ow I was think going to say you can sort of run your hand in this Direction with the grain no you can't that hurts quite bad and going this way you would Flay the skin off a bloody elephant plus it looks more like a slightly distended guinea pig than a polar bear and I presume it's supposed to be a polar bear it says bear on it oh God one of the wire wool demons wear it away wear away oh God it's got oh bloody hell that's one of the cheapest and nastiest decorations I've ever seen and coming from me that means something kids come on we haven't had a Santa for a bit let's have a more traditional one a nice uh St Nicholas type thing here he is with his weird creepy beard made out of nuclear spaghetti or something and his lovely Golden Hat unfortunately he does appear to be quite stoned quite heavily stoned actually oh man you know what we should totally do we should like fly around the whole world and give all the kids presents on Christmas Eve yeah that's how this started he got really baked and had that oh god oh bloody hell his bloody lips are purple oh my God he's not stoned he's dead he's asphyxiated that's kind of thrown me off oh let's pull some of this string away it's not even a beard or St oh my goodness uh it's it's like a it's just a dead man a dead man with all the this U Can we recognize him can anybody do facial reconstruction and reverse Google image search and recognize who this person is the purple lipped corpse which is a great title for a horror novel anybody out there wishing to write one blim me this has all gone a bit dark there's only one thing that can save us now by injecting our own fun with some white bums no wait um make your own foam snowman that doesn't look like snowman that looks like some sort of insect monster so what is the oh these are quite cute down the bottom could they' have given us those instead right let's work this out he's got what is that is that his uh plus one magical staff of murdering or is that supposed to be a furry so it's some pipe cleaner stucking some poyin I think is what's going on here I like the goggly eyes not so keen on the rest the parts actually like them well very accurate to the front you have indeed a bag full of goggly eyes and pipe cleaners and his Jolly snowman body well can't go wrong with that bit oh unless you don't line that up correctly like I hadn't well let's make it and see what happens oh bloody hell these things never come out looking like they do on the packet do they bit creeped out by that actually there we are that should stop any further attacks right next up time for a bit of tradition now many of you will know the mighty tradition of Christmas crackers in England but do you know the tradition of the chocolate Santa here he is in his tin foil Glory yep basically it's a father Christmas made of chocolate not losing you here am I it's always disappointingly Hollow as well but the thing is especially with cheaper ones this being a poundland variant you can play a special game with chocolate Santas and that special game is unwrap them and see how much they look like a dildo now uh pound line themselves apparently the other year had one that was almost featureless when you took the foil off and it just looked exactly like a well a big [ __ ] which we had it taken off the market fairly quickly I think so if we look here he's a bit rocket shaped could be getting quite fic not entirely sure it's got a little toy reindeer for a lucky girl or boy um let's un sheath it not very dildo actually oh no and there's lots of Father Christmas drawings on it it is a bit weird I'm not going to say that it looks like a tribal carving from some sort of Forgotten satanic tribe but is not actually that fic quite disappointed so let's try a bit of the chocolate H that's not bad at all actually that's pretty good I'm I'm genuinely impressed with that for a pound if you've got any kids out there who want themselves a chocolate Santa and don't care particularly what it looks like that is a pretty good option and we did mention Christmas crackers earlier and it wouldn't be a Christmas special without Christmas crackers pound land this year no I'm telling a lie actually I think these came from 99 P stores and I've got to say six for a pound and they really look the part they say luxury Crackers contain one novelty gift one joke and one hat we're going to take one out at random this silver one they're really pretty you know they're well printed and they've got all little silver bits around them genuinely impressed so far for six for a pound but what's inside ready for the snap snap's a bit underwhelming inside we have oh what is the toy oh uh basically a mosquito and an airoplane loved each other very much and 9 months later they went on a holiday and this thing came down from [ __ ] space I think right um what next we got oh the hat is it a quality hat it's a pink one salmon pink not feeling particularly strong can I actually get on my head without it ripping yeah yes it passes the Hat test got to say six for a pound not B oh then I remembered that and the joke is ready what lies in a pram and Wobbles a Jelly Baby that doesn't quite work as a joke does it that that's that's so poor I don't think it's it's transcended the medium there let's be polite about it what else do you get in these things then I tell you what I'll open them all and empty them jump cut right we have fairly classic uh crack attack actually we've got small ring which you get on uh gets too tight and then rips all the flesh off your finger in a medical process known as de gloving uh we have oh the tiny false fingernail these are always excellent for small children to hurt each other with and get all upset over so top marks there the fake nail through a finger wait for it and little fingers coming in useful today oh no there's a nail through my finger oh jins that was the best Christmas ever also available false lips that's a new one um I'm more used to the false mustache but uh apparently in case your lips fail you can carry a backup and the Mystery calculator the most tedious of all the gifts inside crackers basically it's a slightly crap maths trick so to speak well I've got to say for a quidd it wasn't that bad um it did start off quite badly and I'm not entirely convinced of these lips but uh there we go the only thing that remains now is our traditional Christmas hat because they always sell hundreds of these things and this year it is wait for it testicle snowman hat yes it's a hat with a snowman's face with two hanging testicles from it but the best bit is the label need some work on that guys anyway what does it look like on [Music] brilliant right a couple more cracker jokes to end on what do ghosts eat spook Getty see I would have gone with the answer of nothing they're [ __ ] ghosts and they're already dead you [ __ ] imbecile but for some reason they never put that response in these crackers I don't know maybe a bit explicitly confrontational for them and lastly why did the tomato blush because it was dying of asfixiation from carbon monoxide poisoning no because it's s the salad dressing tremendous that's another year broken and stuck in the bin then if you haven't had quite enough Christmas tat yet for some reason uh the annual Advent calendar unveiling is underway on my extras Channel here's a link to the playlist that will show you them all [Applause] subscribe for more

Channel: ashens

Views: 890,790

Keywords: Christmas (Holiday), ashens, tat, funny, review, Stuart Ashen, Merry Christmas, jingle bells, poundland, christmas special, santa, father christmas, poo, poo-poo santa, chocolate santa, christmas crackers, polar bear, shrek testicles, shrekticles

Id: 8MXsvjtA0c4

Length: 20min 12sec (1212 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 19 2014