Desk Job

i'll paint you a little picture okay you're young you want to find a job that you really love you want to get stuck in really love what you do you're tired of sitting in a nine to five you don't want the idea of a desk job you don't want to go down the same path as everybody else you want to spread your wings and fly and be creative so you decide to become a youtuber creative freedom make your own hours you're your own boss you can do whatever you want and then you realize that this is basically just a glorified desk job that's all i do so this game is called desk job it's by aputure there's cave johnson in the corner we haven't seen him since portal 2. that's crazy valve just launched this game i it's technically for the steam deck that handheld system that's coming out i don't have mine yet it'll probably be middle of the year by the time i get mine and it's said that it is optimized for that but you can play it on pc as well so i figured we'd give it a shot apparently it's not very long and some people have been asking for it so i don't really know what it's about clearly we work at aperture maybe in its heyday when cave johnson was still around hey just before we go any further into this i just wanted to let you know that the tour documentary is coming out on vod platform soon if you didn't get a chance to watch it at the premiere you'll be able to buy it soon and watch it on places like itunes and other big vod platforms it's not coming out everywhere all at once because it turns out that that's a very difficult thing to do and i didn't know that before there's a lot of stuff with ratings and subtitles and all this like bureaucracy that goes on behind the scenes that i had no idea about but i'm trying to release it in as many areas as i can now on march 15th it's going to come out so you can go up and get it for pre-sale check itunes keep checking back to see if it's available in your region whenever it's coming out um and i'll try and get it out to as many places as i can as fast as i can but this is the best i can do for right now welcome to the aperture science competence center for our most gifted employees he's back i'm cave johnson and if you're hearing this you are exceptional no don't be bashful it's true no false modesty let's get started i'm not being modest [ __ ] yeah i'm awesome look at all those tubes stretching off in the distance every one of them's taking something important to a genius who's going to use it to change the world forever a genius just like you how are you going to change the world well that's up to you history will remember what you do here today do not let us and by us i mean all of us all of humanity down congratulations you are about to take part in the greatest science adventure at the greatest applied sciences company on earth this is important work and you are just the genius to do it hell yeah god gave you hear that i'm giving you the opportunity to use them that's a lot of ammo i don't mind telling you we're excited up here moon landing excited newton einstein wait a minute that's not right i think i put the wrong tape in hold on good luck world's best okay here we go the overalls get to work or you're fired they don't give out overalls anymore anyway nice my name's grady you can call me that i mean let's do introductions later grady i'm going to stop you right here because i need some subtitles you should really already be honestly i'm surprised you're not fired already anyway uh you are a papa product inspector nice that is your inspection desk there in front of you you will be inspecting uh okay uh it doesn't say anyway something is gonna come down the conveyor belt whatever it is make sure it works once you've done that keep doing that that's the whole job nice anyway just remember the important thing is to have fun on your own time before you come in otherwise it's just it's it's real bad here it's fine you'll probably be fine good luck sure wait so the steam deck is supposed to have paddles on the back i don't have those it's like extra buttons am i screwed okay interesting filled up the toilet got it all right then we go on to why what oh there's oh there we go [Music] we tested to see if an ass can sit on it that's a big green checker mark on that one your booty deserves the best the bidet works highly recommend by the way bidet treat your [ __ ] the way you would treat a friend and it flushes what an excellent toilet this is this is my whole job as testing toilets you know i'll paint your picture you're young youtuber creativity toilets [Music] the toilets work [Music] your ass fits on it it's perfect it flushes the bidet works everything's great good that's an excellent toilet toilet number two is fantastic what about toilet number three who knows maybe this one will malfunction maybe things will get interesting for me today no it works fine i knew it i i left the volume oh zip zap top that is how you inspect the toilet paying attention because i'm not saying any of that twice look it's not rocket science it's not even toilet science here's everything you need to know see that light on the wall as that light goes on you're fired okay good you heard the important part wait wait hold on have they all been smoking you know what it's not our job to test if the toilet's on fire right right it's full of water a regular thing like normal move it down the line and then it's somebody else's problem right right yeah it's full of water anyway right if i fill it up with water technically the fire's gonna go away i mean your job is bad can i can i not water it yet oh god i mean your ass might be on fire hold on let me take a look don't do it yeah keep testing it oh jesus can you get me out of here please thank you i can get you out no hold on i'm just wet now hold on i'm working on this cam down no it's working oh god i killed him oh now my toilet's full of bullets just test it get it out of here i i i'm trying my best here man so first off i i think we're in a lot of trouble here yeah i think whoever's on that toilet is dead i also think we're gonna be rich because i think he just admitted something okay here's what we're going to trouble i'm gonna go work on this in secret just you go back and pretend to go back to work right like it's gotta look good right just pretend the most you've ever got you just go back to work actually yeah that works i'll get back thank you ernie okay this one's fine right everything's good okay as long as i'm not having to explode in toilets again did i get fired [Music] six months later i've been doing this job for six months testing toilets 27 278 000 holy god yeah i'm back uh first off you did awesome pretending to calibrate all those toilets the best all right are you ready for this pretend golden toilet another one press you gotta press the button presenting press the yup button it press presenting hey amateur science turret the turling thank you for spin the turret toilet the turling the controls are right there on your desk i i know i haven't even showed you the best part here's the shoot left trigger to open the wings you know what though i mean you're definitely going to kill yourself with it pointing at you like that so let me just turn it around good idea good idea all right i did this i mean this time this time it's safe last time it wasn't you almost died thanks buddy holy moly man that is great oh man you messed up my turlet that was the only one too but don't even worry about it because here's what i've actually been working on ta-da what the hell is that two this is what i spent most of the six months on it was one month for the first turret and then like five for this bad boy oh man you gotta take my picture with this uh the desk should have a camera built into it f12 okay there you go moment recorded for all the history books now for the fun part you are going to take it for a spin here let me turn it around thank you well you just took it for a spin technically do everything but i think you get it let's just open everything at once and see what happens oh sweet mother of god okay go crazy all those controls do something wow wow oh this is great let's go this you can still is everything else don't even worry about it does it does it still work [Applause] what am i aiming at quite a bit's falling off keep shooting i'm out of ammo this is a structural engineering problem it's on me you're doing great the ammo ran out oh this one didn't i shut off my own gun god damn it it even looked cheap when i bought it i remember looking at like ah spend the extra dollar can we fix this it doesn't work anymore five months it took you five months to do that took me five minutes to break it well there's your problem that red light's gonna come on isn't it i'm gonna get fired aren't i this feels like a fireable offense so some of the stuff i put on there just didn't work most of it like 90 percent or even higher maybe but good eyes some of it worked great so all we have to do is keep the great stuff and then we then we can that's bad okay that's the police so one of us needs to streamline this turret right and one of us needs to take the fall for shooting up the warehouse i'll make the toilet this is a lot of damage and they're going to look into this which job which shop do you want how about i fix a turret in in utah no no no i wouldn't do well in jail you don't know me okay i'm not gonna do well in jail anything i have a soft body i have a punchable face oh my god the mantises are progressing faster than i am they have a whole civilization all i did was break a turlin [Music] great i'm in jail at least i have my handy-dandy toilet back hey well i mean wow you are the best thanks for keeping your mouth shut and doing your time i didn't 18 months later more time than either of us were expecting i don't know what was in those boxes we blew up but they were wow were they mad anyway i promise you're not going to tell us not that bad honestly now let's get you out of here given that the offender has faithfully observed the rules of the institution offender has been granted supervised early release sign for your possessions inmates possessions are as follows desk that's all i have inmate must state their name print inmate's name is now preserved for the permanent record as squanch [Laughter] yes that's awesome now [Laughter] can i use the mouse for this use mouse to sign okay that's so fun hold on done as a condition of supervised early release agree to report within hey don't listen to her you don't need to worry about reporting to your parole officer guess who spent the last 18 months getting his probation agent license through the mail let's go that's right i'm your parole officer i mean not just you i'm managing like seven guys on parole right now but they're basically reintegrated back into society nice well on tony he's struggling a little but anyway that's all i was doing i got something to show you let's get out of here turlet number three excellent oh uh bring your desk it seems to be grafted to my body it feels like i can't go anywhere else oh i want to see what the mantas are up to i streamlined the turret while you were gone introducing the mark iii let's go tada is it is he just gonna end up making the turrets i mean it was totally over engineered so it just does one thing now it shoots it didn't need a satellite dish that was just dumb here tried on these appliances i found they were just lying around in the house i feel like this is leading up to what the turrets end up becoming this is like the start of it yeah baby oh no missiles anymore is it a dragon holding a knife it's nice thank you yeah jeff gave it to me in jail i'm down it's not that weird what if we both got each other's names coming out of the side of my head and it's holding a wrench so you've got the dragon and the knife and mine's similar to the more robot thinking sounds good man that'd be so cool oh speaking of being cool i've got something even better to show you gyroscopic controls it's real easy just pick up the desk tilt it around to aim and keep that thumb on the right thumbstick and you shoot with the right trigger like normal go on i i i don't have gyro is that gonna hurt is that gonna be a problem did you have the proper tools i would bet not actually no jeff didn't really have tools he kind of did it with like a pen with the lighter yeah from that sound i mean that sounds pretty awesome that's exactly what he did another channel it's more of a brand than a tattoo coming out holding a wrench what if it was like a skeleton oh subversive kind of thing what's he trying to say is he human on the inside yeah yeah that's cool i like that idea i decided that's the one i want so when we get a free minute i'll find a pen and we can heat up that light dude no just i'll shoot it on to you this thing is perfect i think we're good to go here so i was saving the best for last while you were in jail i got us a meeting to show our turret to cave johnson that's right the owner of the company wow no pressure but if he likes this he's going to make us rich forever are you ready let's go i don't know why he would need a toilet that shoots [Music] mantis yeah oh my god dude the mantises have outlived us they're they're so advanced i don't know everything's on fire i want to go where the mantises go the mantises are discovering like space and time travel i know what i'm gonna do is pay off the money i borrowed to make this turret like immediately paid off or i'll i mean i'll be in some real trouble i don't know who does this voice he's great i have to pay that too does it make sense to you that the vig is more than what i borrowed in the first place it doesn't seem like it's weird somebody overrode the controls hold on we're not going to see k johnson are we uh okay it's just a washing machine i stole from housewares should i shoot it [ __ ] oh jeez it's got good thing i brought a couple spears no he's more advanced than we are he's got a better one he has a washing machine turret i knew sons of [ __ ] okay shoot it before it shows up there you go you can't get shot by what's not alive they're gonna keep coming for like basically forever they get us out of here what are you doing okay i've been shopping machines and toasters i fixed it nice work thank you the elevator working again we have another 80 floors before we get to k we're not going to spot 80 ambushes in a row i will your desk should have some buttons on the underside of it those fire the rockets they got built into the desk they put those on their standard now for safety reasons okay okay am i am i doing it oh god modesty paddle turn that [ __ ] off there ain't no modesty in this let's go i'm just gonna exit the building okay okay really nice work good shooting thank you i think we're good from here they probably gave up i haven't given up by now all right red button let's go show this thing to cave there's a right button on the wall so touch it i do have one quick confession i didn't actually get an appointment with cave johnson i lied about that but it turns out i didn't know this it turns out nobody's seen him in years i did know it when i lied to you about our appointment but it was wait who are we going to go see information anyway i'm not gonna lie to you anymore i think he might be a millionaire recluse i think he might be dead so be ready for that get killed by moon dusty a lot of jars hello mr johnson what if it's glados that's a big head let's just go in i don't want to mr johnson are you here kv-wavy hey there it's me gabe johnson no no no not behind the giant head i am the giant head what i'm gonna level with you hey hey i can't talk over the sound of you shooting me sorry you want me to tell you why i'm a giant head yes right where was i giant head riddled with disease ah now i remember i'm gonna level with you a few years back i got real sick body riddled with disease i was a goner threw every dollar i had in it told those eggheads hey eggheads make me live forever now i know what you're thinking you gave the smartest engineers on earth spike check to make you immortal and this is what they came up with a giant head off by a mile no they figured out how to put my consciousness in a computer that's what's in the giant hat their first plan was to put me in a regular brain-sized computer then they'd put that in a robot body and hey presto well turns out you can't fit an entire human mind in a computer that small all i could do was tell time and know what my name was so they kept making it bigger big enough to cram every last bit of me into this thing what happened to my robot body still under the head somewhere all crushed up couldn't support the weight so the lab boys put me in the big head switched me on and uh i don't know i panicked killed a few of them said i'd kill more if they ever came back honestly i regret that now anyway that was four years ago been trying to get somebody's attention ever since get their butts up here and end my suffering should i shoot that oh don't worry about me it's been a full life but we're done here i'm itching for the next step heck i'm excited about it don't even think of it as killing me you're breaking me out of prison i'm just dad or not i just got out of there i need you to crack this big clay head open so i can spill out into the universe so what do you two egghead scott uh you uh i can shoot you in luck we actually came up here to show you our new invention good stuff let's see it show them partner whoa that'll work you got it i thought you were the it's cracking wait he did oh no what oh that's even scarier so shoot the metal [Music] is it working no it's working great sir there's bullets ricocheting everywhere jesus hey you see that i think that's his power source just put him out oh oh here we go powering down the great beyond that's kind of scary well i'll give you two credit that is one hell of an invention you did it you figured out how to end my suffering you're welcome sir all right suffering ended in three two you're both fired i'm gonna need your key cards just lay them down in front of the head not too close to the chin or i won't be able to see him oh oh god wait is he actually going to be that sounds real bad he's he's falling a long way down you know what it just occurred to me that the only person who knows k johnson asked us to kill him is now dead well we did our job do you know what the punishment for murder is they told us in parole officer school you're not going to like this uh it's life your whole life in prison we should yeah we we should leave yeah don't touch anything and bring the desk but that's touching something maybe the mantises can help oh we killed them all no they're beautiful man society that was months to go down two floors morning charlie it's me gary gary your boss keep inspecting those toilets good work good stuff good hey it's just me grady yeah just like man this witness protection program is great i don't know why we didn't turn state's evidence against those loan sharks in the first place we don't have to pay any of the money back we got cool new names i like yours a lot by the way he's got a tattoo you know come to think of it you think they'd move us to another state or give us new jobs or something feels like everything is exactly the same except our first names yeah pretty much ah you know what they know what they're doing anyway see you tomorrow charlie bye bye that one works they're oh they're all fine let them all in [Music] oh hey cave it's the mantis's thing in the bottom left [Music] oh god they are like the turrets you gonna are you guys gonna sing a song that's menacing sounding [Music] nice [Music] that was cool [Music] the song is kind of creepy though i'm just gonna put that out there wait does that mean the cave johnson is just alive at the bottom of aperture science i don't know when in the chronology this actually takes place hey there's a sean there's two seans i'm so glad uh jk simmons came back for hey squanch i'm so glad james or jk simmons came back for cave johnson he's one of my favorite characters in any video game [Music] [Applause] he's so good at it too i also recently watched whiplash for the first time which i've been putting off for such a long time and he's phenomenal in that movie [Music] thanks for the use of their face phil fletcher ah hey i didn't get cake but i got jelly flan oh wait i think cave's dead it's probably better than an endless existence stuck at the bottom in front of a hundred toilets inside a giant metal head that'll be fun for what like a year cool well it was very short i think it's just a little like demo to be able to play because it's free to be able to play on your steam deck so when you get the steam deck this is like hey play this first kind of thing um it might even come pre-installed i don't know but that was fun i really like that a lot i like anything that has to do with this universe i it's such a shame that valve it can like hold back on releasing games i mean they're starting to like crank things out again we got half-life alex and now this so maybe hopefully that means that they're like getting ready to start putting out games again because i know they put a lot of pressure on themselves to be like the best in the industry because like half-life has always been a tech demo for them that they've turned into a game it's always like about bringing out this brand new tech that has never been in video games before like the physics systems that they have in half-life 2 were unseen at that point and to be able to do puzzles with them like that was completely unheard of and then they kept saying like every iteration of half-life they bring out basically has to show off the new tech that they've made for the industry i think it's fine not to do that these days i think it's okay to just release a game that's just really good instead of being pioneering or completely revolutionizing or innovative or anything like that i think people just really enjoy these universes and these stories and these worlds a lot and the characters that they make i think that the writing and the dialogue in the portal games for me is what kept me playing it as well as the puzzles like it was almost 50 50. um so i hope they just make more games it would be cool to just get more in the aperture universe i absolutely love it i love cave johnson as a character i love that whole idea of like all these experiments going on behind closed doors that we don't know about it's basically like endless lore that they can come up with and i i hope that like another half-life gets made like a mainline one with gordon to round out that series will it ever happen i don't know but it would be a shame for it to never happen especially like things like berserk now will never get finished um who knows if something like game of thrones the books will ever actually come out and get finished it would be a ashamed to see aperture and half-life and valve and everything kind of go down then same sort of path as well where it just never comes out and we're always wondering i don't know anyway that was aperture desk job very fun again it's free to play you can go play it for yourselves if you want i don't know how much more you can get out of it if you play it on your own but i really liked it thank you jk simmons he's one of my favorite actors i hope he comes back as cape johnson again in a future game but until then that's going to be it for me thank you guys so much for watching and see you next time

Channel: jacksepticeye

Views: 1,320,128

Keywords: jacksepticeye

Id: NCWK1S_tDek

Length: 33min 25sec (2005 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 13 2022