Dave Chappelle Best stand up comedian in the world, For what its worth.

why you picked San Francisco to shoot your special this one the best towns to ever do comedy and this is the most historic venue got as far as comedians are concerned because Lenny Bruce ripped to death and all the best came through the bay without Richard without the around will garland Mooney you don't let say I have to be the biggest star as long as you come with it and people coming out they'd like to see laughs performs because it's a sandy always Oh thank you for coming dad damn I did it big this here from cable [ __ ] goddamn thanks for coming out and thanks for making a [ __ ] feel comfortable in the gayest place on earth you guys got Disneyworld jealous out this [ __ ] man I didn't really think was that gay at first like what does everybody cuz I was coming at anyone was like man that place is really gay what the [ __ ] is everybody talking months not so gay and then I I wanted into that Castro god Eames I said this is America's anus right here this [ __ ] is deep went to that tenderloin is nothing tend to about that [ __ ] dollars that [ __ ] was rough the opposite of tender I have never seen crack smoke so casually before these [ __ ] was sitting in front of Starbucks smoking crack anger and coke desert this is off the hook talk about politics I seen one crackhead trying to break into somebody's car man then it struck the calling me I tried to stop I said hey and he looked back and something said Oh keep an eye out [ __ ] that was me that same thing I'm trying to help you I want the [ __ ] to stop crackheads are like that I had a crackhead brick my car window one time broke it you know he stole [ __ ] candy bar I had Lando and see that's all he took the goddamn candy bar I was so mad I drove around the neighborhood five hours looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face I is it I finally family I grabbed it [ __ ] hey man with all this chocolate on your face [ __ ] he looking fuse chocolate this is doodoo baby ah oh man place is insane but you know what I like about San Fran the reason I picked this city to do my specials because of all the major cities in America somehow people get along here better than anywhere else I've seen in the country that's right that's right and I always admire saying friends for that and today I've realized how you did it put all the [ __ ] on the other side of that bridge it's nothing yeah hit me on that side do you leave your Santa sister like boy thanks for coming to San Francisco come back in April we're having a sale on Birkenstocks soon as you get to the other side well an Oakland [ __ ] [ __ ] crazy but it also feel like it's the East Coast City in the West Coast you guys got subways and [ __ ] I'm scared of public transportation I was on a bus that was held hostage 45 minutes it wasn't like threatened I don't wanna give you that impression it was a dude jerking off but the [ __ ] was scary son was scary right before it happened I was on the bus smoking cigarette it's a long story that's not the coolest [ __ ] I ever did and people freaked out Sarah sir put that goddamn cigarette out okay this is everybody's air sir I flicked it I didn't want any trouble just in that moment coincidentally this homeless dude I don't know where Poe's dick out started beating off and I was furious cuz nobody said [ __ ] to this guy they were just nothing like I was the only one on the bus that had the balls to say anything - it's not even like I was brave really was it you know I was sitting next to the [ __ ] I had to say something come on Dawg you hitting my elbows son stop it's all I said I was I don't want to say too much guys beating off on the bus means is something wrong with this [ __ ] he's not wrapped so tight I didn't want to push him over the edge soon as I said something all these dummies on the bus now they're brave oh he's right put your goddamn [ __ ] away I don't want to see this anymore I don't want to see it either yeah now that flips out all right everybody back up I tried to be nice about this mail everybody freaks out oh my god biological tactical I'm caught in the middle I can't lose my cool I said hey everybody just calm the [ __ ] down and you'll get me shot so just be cool let's do what this man says so he'll leave us alone now everybody gets quiet that's better that is and then he's not walking up in their house who's terrorizing us and then he starts making demands you and the paint shirt squeeze her tits together huh oh god no no you stick your finger in your butt why who God was this happening he was working my way [ __ ] was tight just that minute I got saved dude I was so lucky this guy had the other than bus he snapped he lost his man I've seen it happen ah screamed out well show me you can't come on all of us in charge of the outlet and there's like a movie that's homeless dudes seen him coming shot 105 I dodged that [ __ ] like the matrix the GABA hammy wasn't so lucky oh no ash it was gross it didn't kill him but it was haven't sure that [ __ ] his day up not gonna happen all day the homeless dude bustin on your forehead and 8:30 in the morning that's a wrap on the rest of the bail sky was freaking out it burns Oh everyone's standing around looking even homeless dude felt bad I guess he was finished she came back to his senses is my stuff I said relax [ __ ] had to say some some rice huh okay I gotta eat I know it I said you can't get aids from the hose dude busting a nut on your forehead that's not how it spreads I don't even know if that shit's true is what I told him that is he was so scared I had to say something OAD comes from [ __ ] knows scientists don't even know scientists still say aids started cuz somebody had sex with a monkey word after all this research is the best explanation that you came up with mother nobody [ __ ] monkeys and people you idiot you either [ __ ] monkeys or your [ __ ] people that's it it's known in between you're not gonna get some monkey [ __ ] on Tuesday and then be like I'm gonna call Charlene on Thursday Oh once you [ __ ] monkey that's a firm decision I'm out of the human [ __ ] game for good it's ridiculous yang like monkeys just as open is waiting for people to [ __ ] on man come on you don't wanna be [ __ ] by people think about it think how hard it would be to catch a monkey and [ __ ] it that's ridiculous that's how it had to go then do you think you just gonna walk up to him in the woods and Brad this [ __ ] with fruits and bonanza hey buddy yeah there you go buddy yeah yeah here you go your big bright red is its big bright red booty how strong a monkey is but rip your dick off like the celery stars star throw that [ __ ] at tall grass they'll never be seen again hey doll we're gonna go to the club pick up some girls who trying to roll nah man I'm cool I'm gonna stay home though chill with my monkey you know how long it took me to train this monkey suck my dick without peeling it last night chim-chim jerked me off with his feet like only a monkey can show you that kind of love and tenderness so y'all keep [ __ ] these people if you won't make it slow [ __ ] [ __ ] for me hook it up with an orangutan next week it's all that [ __ ] chimps in or anything no I feel real bad fools is Indians everybody feels bad for Indians they get dog they get dogs openly cuz everybody thinks they're dead these [ __ ] are not all dead alright I've seen with my own eyes I've seen a gathering of 1500 Native Americans they were all gathered in one place the place is called a Walmart in New Mexico whose Indians ever I've never seen Indians before I wasn't even sure if they were Indians it's [ __ ] up but I asked one of them it's not nice but I seen him in the sports section looking at bows and arrows I had to say something stuff excuse me I don't mean to be rude oh are you an Indian and it was cool else yes I'm Indian still didn't believe him I had to test him to be sure his [ __ ] up but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket so I balled that [ __ ] up and I threw it on the floor and a single tear came out his ass at Ocean I had so many questions what trapping you from I am a Navajo as it were I studied you in social studies you're a hunter-gatherer correct is that I guess so that's what you wish to call it I said Wow what do you call it is that I am an alcoholic I say well what's your name doll he said please dog is my cousin that's a good guess my name is Brennan coyote what is your name friend and that she called me Oh God I'm not even one saying my name was Dave to a [ __ ] named Renton coyote just don't feel good enough he was putting me on the spot I said huh my name but Oh my name is a Blackfeet then I change the subject forget about me what's going on with you I want to meet you chief I don't need you and your chief me and friends get together tonight we could have a real live peace pipe smoking ritual we need to celebrate that guy don't you a damn and he set it up it was beautiful it was just like I dreamed was all sitting around and Indians was beating the drum other Indians came out the back with a long blanket that was folded in half and putting in front of us open that [ __ ] up and I owned the blanket was a long wooden pipe with feathers and bags of weed we're all over the black chief walked over the big ones are 50 the little ones are 25 man those Indians got high as [ __ ] I was back I told that she was talking I cut them off time out chief sorry interrupt [ __ ] smash Manolis to Strong's into this PCP that the spirits adapting chief the spirits have got me and the chief juice and water my face calm down black face splash I said Hales Blackfeet [ __ ] take it easy Blackfeet you're a welcome to stay amongst me and my tribe for the night until the spirits leave you and they gave me my own tepee to sleep in which sounds nice I personally felt like it was a little [ __ ] up you know cuz they all had houses man it's like why can't I sleep with y'all on the house and watch TV like I can't be on his grass alright yeah Mia's rude man everybody's rude Indians they eat nasty food all day people's corn and [ __ ] Doritos the thing that cold that's right people always see the service they see the division in our foods which is cuz I eat chicken and watermelon they think that that's something wrong with me it's little taste if you don't like chicken or water them something's wrong with you [ __ ] there's something wrong with you we're all these people that don't like chicken and watermelon I'm sitting hearing about how bad it is great I'm waiting for chicken to approach me to do a commercial [ __ ] I will do not do it for free chicken least I can do they make fun of Latin people eating what ya'll eat beans rice corn listen that's not a reason to hate a [ __ ] all right it's funny but it's not a reason to hate the only reason these things are even an issue is because nobody knows what white people you've been very good at keeping that [ __ ] of secret amongst ourselves I study white people get a load out and write in the paper on you not eating for school they just to do it just gets me boobs doing this independent research and spending my money so I'm working so hard I follow you around grocery stores they freak out I just try to peek in the car they always seem get away from my cart [ __ ] what are you looking at chicken and giblets are over there must be lost these are vegetables I know what you drink see how quite a gut grape juice surprise [ __ ] you didn't know I knew about grape juice didn't you oh don't play dumb with me but there was a lot of black people don't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice because they have great drinkers not the same formula did you give ain't no vitamins in that shirt you might have plenty of black friends over Tod Tod if you care for a glass of grape juice in life [ __ ] what the [ __ ] is juice I want some great drink baby oh it's purple I don't think I know what a grape drink is what that's some apple juice if you want what the [ __ ] is juice I want some apple drink scream remember that commercial for Sunny Delight when all the kids run in from outside playing they all run to the fridge all right I got some purple stuff too some Sunny D soon as you say Sunny D all the kids go yeah watch the black kid in the back if you ever see that commercial again look at that black kid be like I want that purple stuff that's drink me that is drink they want and will drink when old embodiments Macallan drink check out water purple that's the ingredient sugar water and of course purple it's too [ __ ] much I got a lot of things to talk about tonight first of all I've stopped smoking weed with black people you didn't let me finish [ __ ] god damn I'm sorry black people to break the news so publicly but I can't smoke anymore and time I smoked weed with my black friends all you talk about is your trials and tribulations I'm sick of that [ __ ] I got my own problems I guess awaits the weed I'm smoking weed to run away from my problems not take only yours now on I smoke weed exclusively white people calm down [ __ ] you win by default you got good weed conversation all white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got happy I can listen to that [ __ ] all night dude remember at Frank's last week [ __ ] smash man and catalogs everything they drink the two shots Jager kill for bong hits nin beer cheeseburger that [ __ ] is great only bad part is you can not pass out around white people every time white dude pass out around each other they always do some borderland gay [ __ ] when the guys are sleeping Frank fell asleep so he like stuck a keratin assassin shaving cream on his balls like why are motherf alive you do that to a friend of yours he trusted you enough the sleep around you gonna put a character's a step is that nice I'll tell you right now if I put a character black dudes that [ __ ] will kill you when he wakes up for some [ __ ] like that is an automatic death sentence on the street so rat for you I'm gonna kill that [ __ ] I thought y'all was friends baby what happened I fell asleep this house right we was drinking and I fell asleep with his house and and while I was sleeping right I just want to kill that [ __ ] all right that's all you need to know [ __ ] parents but everybody's getting along I see that [ __ ] I see it all around blacks and whites don't fight so much you know who don't have no beef with anybody's Asian people I see how y'all be doing y'all just laying the cut on off your Asian people beef with other Asian people like if you call a Korean guy Chinese I've done this they'll flip out hey but make you think of Chinese I am Korean do I look Chinese yes one [ __ ] you do look a me this why I said it it's accident like an entree now you all look Chinese to me it's a mistake I'm not trying to offend you some people say all black people look like we don't get bent out of shape we normally just call those people police okay just learn to live with it that's all I can tell me everybody's afraid of police they're scared to death of these police I am the guy I got a police scanner first first money I got to suffer [ __ ] I went out boatmen police can I just listen to these mud folks before I go out just to make sure everything's cool you hear she don't it calling all cars calling all cars be on the lookout for a black male between four seven and six acres staying in the crib tonight [ __ ] that that work on that alibi for a minute every black person needs Alabama I do them impromptu joints if I'm by myself and eat out I just open up the windows and apartment turn on lights on stop beating old Franklin when I look at me hey Leslie they just helped raise him dirt over note the time [ __ ] it's 2:35 look at me I'm jerking off on the window 2:35 comedian Asian hell is June 10th no the time that she could save my life officer David Chappelle couldn't have done that I saw him in his window masturbating from 235 to 237 I'm certain of it he was standing on a clock and holding a calendar and today's paper [ __ ] I need alibis I can't be no celebrities [ __ ] is just the worst I'm seeing it I can see why I see why stars are crazy man these [ __ ] I went to Disney World with my kids which is a big deal for me I don't see my kids so much I do Chappelle's Show 20 hours a day sleep for like half an hour raise my kids to 10 20 minutes and not go back to work now this particular day I got to hook up with the kids we wouldn't the Disney World everybody at the park [ __ ] everybody hey hey Rick James [ __ ] hey I'm Rick James [ __ ] as I a man a you might not call me a [ __ ] in front of my kids timeout [ __ ] we take a day off even Mickey Mouse did it I said this is the most unprofessional [ __ ] I have ever seen in my life the trade spiritual I was fed up I caught that [ __ ] with the uppercut bop knocked his head clean off everybody was screaming oh my god oh my god Mickey Mouse's Mexican I had terrible time in Disneyworld this new world is like a whole nother country anyway they got their own currency that [ __ ] is ridiculous soon as I check in the hotels welcome to Disney World mr. Chappell can we interest you in some disney dollars nah man I'm cool tink buy weed and [ __ ] with Disney dollars like I'm on vacation like in greenbacks I like them Green Bay I'm saying is the kind of money people spend people very particular about that I saw that it was one of the main stories from the war was the first big thing we did was they said now that Iraq has been liberated huh we have managed to take Saddam Hussein's face off of the money and I'm not gonna lie when that press conference came all I was like choked up I was I was actually proud to be an American because that is a very subtle psychological nuance of oppression to have a dictator on your money and it's thoughtful to be able to take that [ __ ] off for the goodwill of another person right but then I thought well if you could do that for Iraq what about our money man how money look like baseball cause the slave owners on George Washington's the worst the worst yes I said it mythologize this [ __ ] like he was the greatest dude man if I went back in time with a white person and we saw George Washington walking in front of our time machine my wife one will probably be like oh my god Dave look there's George Washington's the father of this great nation I'm gonna go shake his hand I'd be on the other side like run [ __ ] George Washington and we both be right you like him because he wrote the Declaration independence and all that [ __ ] we hold these truths to be self-evident all men are created equal go get me a sandwich [ __ ] I'll kill you Liberty justice well am I wrong am I wrong wait a minute he might own slaves than he owned slaves that's what I'm saying I almost protested the war in the beginning almost till I saw what happened to him Dixie Chicks I see it [ __ ] that if they do that the three white women they will tell my black ass to pieces I don't want to hear that [ __ ] yeah man they would but I'm like for real why why you care so much with the Dixie Chicks it's not like they political scientist and then they just [ __ ] that can sang good get on I mean stop worshipping celebrities so much there's no less don't pay attention I remember right around September 11th the ja Rule was on MTV that's what they said we got ja Rule on the phone let's see what Joss thoughts are on this tragedy there's a buck with ja Rule thanks at a time like this this is ridiculous I want to dance I'm scared to death I want some answers the ja Rule might not have right now think when bad [ __ ] happens to me I being the crib like oh my god this is terrible cuz somebody please find y'all rule get holders [ __ ] I can make sense of all this where is job addley ja Rule I don't even know why people listen to me I'd say anything like I've done commercials for Coke and Pepsi I don't give a [ __ ] what comes out of my mouth I just say what it takes whatever it takes that's what I'm saying if you want to know the truth can't even taste the difference surprise all I know is Pepsi paid me most recently so tastes better it's pretty much how the game goes I'm just being real man it's too much goo gaga Novus leveraged people don't know those fake and what's real anymore that's why Bill Cosby got in trouble what happened to Bill Cosby Bill Cosby sent some real [ __ ] and the whole world freaked out on for what for having an opinion just because he was selling pudding pops for the last 40 years people forget that he's the [ __ ] from Philly and the projects you might say some real [ __ ] from tam-tam it's not that big of a deal I spoke at my old high school not telling them kids straight up if you guys are serious about making it out of this ghetto you gotta focus you got to stop blaming white people for your problems and you've you've got to learn how to rap we'll play basketball or something let me attract you are trapped either do that or sell crap that's your only options that's the all laugh work better get to entertaining these white nibbler get tap-dancing throwing up there'd be somebody I just hope they listen [ __ ] is ridiculous people worship television they worship this year you know like if you watch a movie right see watching a movie and one character says the nut characters say hey what's your number man what's the other character always say five high five five five five five you know why we got to do that because stupid is people go to the movies and then go home and try to call it a characters that they just saw Hello Kitty's Indiana Jones here know about the [ __ ] he's a fake cuz he's not his number and to be honest this is the worst time in history to be a black celebrity [ __ ] they locking all our stars up it's hot right now for black celebrities I know it was bad when Kobe got in trouble this is a rap for us he's one of the most wholesome dudes we had lock him up with everything Kobe kept me together thank God he he held his game together because if he was cracking an impression getting like six points a game the whole LA two million that [ __ ] is guilty Kobe was playing his ass off he was playing like his freedom depended on that [ __ ] you see that some other [ __ ] them games negative trying to beat that case on the court like the judge doing the ball like play for your freedom if I the tall to cope out [ __ ] I just relax you'll be fine man cuz the public is still giving Kobe the benefit of the doubt he's one of the few black celebrities that get that not cuz he's a celebrity more because you know the girls showed up with eight different seamen's to the investigation you can't do that that's seven too many it's a lot of semen man's but you got Noah's Ark on the paintings I was just trying to recreate humanity Elsa she's a collector she got every unsolved mystery the answer might be in his girl's paint house the first place outlook OJ's other gloves and then Bigfoot's footprint three CSI reruns isn't it little [ __ ] we got most diabolical drawers ever [ __ ] being a celebrity is not the time to be a black star they locking all our stars up black celebrities is the witch hunt for us me goddamn it it's all old Jane's fault ever since oj got away white people have just been locking up our stars one by one it's true and it's all it's not even though Jays fall it's our fault we celebrated too openly when oj got acquitted we should have been quiet about that [ __ ] Susan not guilty nigga's name on your face begin yo here snowing at hearse burns then let me go that justice system Birdemic welcome my world undefined all that [ __ ] why people wanted OJ's a is bad city la spent over 12 million dollars just trying that [ __ ] and the look on my people's face when he was acquitted priceless priceless and that's why I don't chip off being celebrity I don't like it I don't trust it there's one minute they all love you the next thing you know you in front of that courthouse dance and on top of a car just trying to figure out the [ __ ] happened what I'm waiting for cos the timing of this Michael Jackson [ __ ] is what makes me doubt it every time there's Wars going out of control the economy gets bad or something is wrong with the world at large it's always these moments in history that Michael Jackson will coincidentally jerk off a kid this is getting ridiculous are you planning this shitty heaven Eaton's Michael thank you for coming as you know Michael the war has not been going as well as we expected there's been a lot of hiccups and the public's asking us a lot of questions of course and well Michael there's no nice way to say this and all I know how to do is be direct let me just be direct we're gonna need you to jerk off another child Mike I'm sorry I am sorry but it would really help out or maybe he did it who knows who knows that's the thing that's what I wanted to say who knows who the [ __ ] knows Mike God and this little boy no that's that's about it it's about it only reason that I can even talk about this shoot is because everybody is speculating they all think he did it and I don't think he did it I'm alone in this I don't think he did it I'm not gonna say I don't think he did it that's too strong let me just say I am reserving judgment until all the facts come out but so far from what I heard me the kid said he's dying of cancer he was in make-a-wish Foundation he claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish to meet Michael Jackson come on man give me a [ __ ] break his kid is ten years old he don't remember thriller the [ __ ] you want to meet Michael Jackson for honestly I remember thrilling I just like kinda wanna meet the snake like I wouldn't break an appointment to meet him I put it that way I'd have to already be free that's ridiculous like if I'm dying at two weeks and go oh mama Oh get me in a room with chubby chuckle I wouldn't want to meet that [ __ ] matter my layers two weeks why not uh sure somebody like this sit in the kid cleans he goes to Michael's house is where it all gets crazy I don't know like you know he does everything you'd expect at Michael's house they climb trees and road roller coasters and Ferris wheels the chef made cooking his pies and cakes they was petting them on in drag sing songs kid [ __ ] and in the middle of all this childlike activity for some reason might pull out some wine and some pills and suck this kids dick folks it hurts me to say and the kid had the nerve to call that abuse [ __ ] that is a good hose-down hey what else do you want what else do you want I'm looking to get a glass of a great drink at my friend's house alone locos riding my dick sucked Mike must be confused like I brought you in my house I pinched you I sucked your dick and this is how you repay me [ __ ] this was your wish that man thought you were dying in two weeks but after that [ __ ] I've been a cop for a year and a half to get strong every time I see you whenever this is [ __ ] I shouldn't even say the [ __ ] wouldn't be some ironic [ __ ] if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer was Michael Jackson sucking your dick somehow but it might have powers like Green Mile and all the kids like please vite psychotics liver in he didn't appreciate it and we at least study her saliva please [ __ ] she's then stopped up this doesn't stop and the only reason I could talk about Mike is cuz he's a freak he's a freak that's why people let you talk about cuz if I brought up Catholic priests [ __ ] kids it required a [ __ ] but but when Michael Jackson desert it's okay because he's a freak his face is all cut up but just remember when you look at that thing that he calls his face that he did that for you somehow somehow he thought you might maybe it'll help maybe people will like me more if I turn myself into a white gurus like creature I don't know what the [ __ ] it is but he did it for you and I appreciate the gesture Michael Jackson if you're watching us I appreciate that gesture and I want you to know [ __ ] everybody Dave Chappelle understands cuz you want to know something I'm getting some work done surprise yes nothing major you would never know if I didn't tell you what is some [ __ ] I'm insecure bout that I want to work on if you must know I'm getting Botox done on my bowls to get these wrinkles out family hey thisis smooth eggs no I can't wait I cannot wait and I'm not stopping there that's just phase one baby it'd be like Bob Vila these old balls I'm fixing them up I'm plucking all the hair out I gotta make room I know this I gotta make room I'm gonna tattoo a gangsta ass face on mean expressions like this then I grow to hair back on the bottom so they got beards like me then I'm hitting that beach and looking for balls suckers we're with some high shorts just like this and walk up the women with a confidence I've never had before pardon me miss I don't mean to be rude but do you suck balls excuse me missus relax he didn't even let me finish do you suck these balls oh my god those balls are as smooth as eggs yes also I played this scenario out in my man a million times lady that's how it always ends yes i'll suck those balls all our stars all our stars man our kelly pissed on his victim I know it was rough but I mean again I can't even judge our Kelly first of all we don't know these allegations true and that even if they aren't true if you want to know how I feel about it honestly if a man cannot pee on his fans I don't want to be in show business anymore because well that's why I got in the game baby I got dreams too you guys are confusing the issue why you guys are busy worrying about if our Kelly even peed on this girl at night you're not asking himself the real question that America needs to decide once and for all and that question is how old is 15 really oh that's a good question that's a good question I'm not saying that a person is as smart as they're gonna be at 15 that's not what I'm saying man but I am saying 15 to me it's old enough to decide whether or not you wanna be pissed on I mean that's me you can't make a decision like that by the time you're 15 and just give up [ __ ] because life is way harder than that I make tougher decisions all the time if you don't want to get pissed now just get the [ __ ] out of the way it's not even a decision if I stop peeing on the front row they're not gonna have to calculate and think of how do I feel about this is my okay with it they get smooth you can do that at 15 I could up I bet 15 when I was 15 I was doing stand-up in nightclubs I smoked reefer from time to time friends were selling crack trying to finger [ __ ] people I knew what was happening around me to some degree getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15 trust me but it keeps coming up it's a lot of confusion around that age any time 15 comes up people freak out like when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped right remember you told last years 15 younger Lizbeth Smart was kidnapped and then they finally found her in the whole country was relieved then I was the only one saying it to him she wasn't that smart after all not cuz she got kidnapped that could happen to anybody I'm not knocking her for that I'm just saying if you're kidnapped me when I was 15 you got to take me further than eight miles away from my house man god damn can't hold me prisoner and [ __ ] out recognize I'll break away I'll break away [ __ ] off me to gets my bus stop I know one man I'm going home she was missing for six months eight miles away from my house that's two exits man that's up innit and while she was missing during this half a year that this girl was missing there's a seven year old black girl gets kidnapped in Philadelphia nobody knows her name they might talk about it two or three times on the news but she should have been the top story because she chew through the ropes and had both of these [ __ ] in jail in 45 minutes flat seven years old I'm not making this up to crack he has kidnapped her and took her back to the crack house and tied her up and then they left her the crackheads I got to make moves crack smoked chocolate eat these [ __ ] made moves out as soon as they left this little girl got the Nibin she's kidnapped at 4 o'clock and at home watching herself on news at 5:30 that [ __ ] is crazy that's it that's a news story that is a news story ma'am meanwhile in Utah 15 year-old Elizabeth smarts captain's left her alone - and they didn't even care up cuz they're hillbillies they just bounced don't try to escape [ __ ] I will kill you be right back leave she's 15 sitting in the house by herself think think Elizabeth get out of here why'd you just open the [ __ ] door and go outside have you thought about that do you have a quarter do you know your phone number you're 15 [ __ ] run stop taking the stock making moves I know I sound me then I know what the people are thinking when I'm saying the stage she is only 15 all right but that's the discrepancy because we talked about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent on the flip side here comes 15 again now we talked about a 15 year old black kid in Florida this black kid accidentally killed his neighbor when he's practicing wrestling moves that he saw on TV now was he a kid oh they gave him like they always try out 15 year olds as adults [ __ ] know what he was doing it's a goddamn piledriver this kid gets on the ropes there's no stuffing you'd have to send the rock to our Aristo and they gave us 15 oldboy life in jail if you think that it's okay to give him life in jail it should be legal appealing that's all I'm saying you got to make up your mind across the board how old 15 actually is that's all I'm saying Simon tell you right now if somebody comes in here and puts a gun to my head and says Chappelle you got a choice to make you're either going to jail for a month or we'll let you go but you got to let our Kelly peel on you I'm not hesitate bringing our Kelly and tell him to stay away from my ass I'd rather get pissed on on the outside and [ __ ] the but on the inside I can't go to jail with some smooth Botox balls and think everything's gonna be all right it's not that kind of place take my chances with that piss piss a wash off with a 10-minute shower I'm certain of it piss coming right out what can I do they're gonna put me in jail sad is changing rapidly can't smoke indoors - [ __ ] is that all about I got kicked out of titty bar for smoking no this [ __ ] was ridiculous so stripper did it the stripper came I'm like you're smoking is a health risk for me I don't want to work on this kind of environment speech give your gonorrhea ffensive [ __ ] in my face he started it they threw me out it's the dirtiest place I've ever been thrown out of and just to give you an idea of what I mean by dirty lap dances at this place $3 it's [ __ ] disgusting and at the same time who could pass up a sale sign of his $3 of course I did it it's only 12 quarters said I'll break a 5 for that I've never seen somebody work this hall for $3 this lady must have been the throwback to the Great Depression she was all over me it's the first time I ever told a stripper to get off me all right yeah thank you very much miss thank you that's enough thing hey hey get off of me whatever happened to lipstick on the collar lady I have a [ __ ] streak on the middle of my shirt how the [ __ ] am I gonna explain this when I get home huh oh no baby me and Bob were playing basketball and Bob dunk on me was hanging on the rim and his pants fell down I was checking up close I think he's swinging and his butt cheeks might uh-huh his butt cheeks I think coat my shirt I don't know why I was playing balling my dress shirt just was it was midnight I don't know the [ __ ] just let me think that's me that's when you know a guy's landing you say she laid it hold on just let me think good man him say that D holdovers doesn't mean think for a minute I can I think we all in there you guys you guys has made too much progress too fast not too much but you just you confused by you made so much progress you even confuse man and women we both like what the [ __ ] just happened cuz women got all this money now but they still like women like oh you never take me anywhere anymore and a doobie things [ __ ] you got more money than me you never take me anywhere anymore and at the same time you don't treat a man like a man you don't cook you don't clean and you don't do anything a [ __ ] say yes you tell him I was like what did I see women doing this to me no come on oh man what's that [ __ ] so when anybody they're telling what to do dat much you got to work with me like if it makes a man feel like a man to watch the games and just let them sit there and watch the game for a minute and if he happens to look over it see while he's watching the game don't look at them all me and make him feel guilty about watching it pick up your own titty and sucker just try it out people instantly remember why he fell in love oh that's right forgot my girl sucks I own titties from time to time I can't walk away from that it's too hard to plan you see that took 20 seconds he's still gonna be as busy as you won't just chuck it on to the end everything's cool well how about this if you make love to you man y'all ready make love might as well spice it up right how about this I personally like it I like it when a girl tells me where to come don't like it when a girl tells me when to come I hate this don't come yet oh [ __ ] all these rooms instead of doing that why don't you just tell us where is make us feel better especially if you aggressive about I like one girl get Wow coming my face stick your chin out like a boxer bring it on [ __ ] there are bummer but it doesn't have to be that that wild or explicit that's a look all the man wants knows that you're interested in that you participate you say anything he'll be happens oh come on top of the television all right the weird of the place the better Oh coming that fishbowl damn football oh [ __ ] they're eating it out fish love it when I come over that guy we're having chicken tonight you guys man thanks man's been the best day of my career by far I appreciate you guys watching can I do my kids and my kids off the hook you think I'm a bad [ __ ] wait till you see the two thousand miles repel this [ __ ] is off the hook my son's a bad my oldest son is three like I made me a necklace out of macaroni I said this [ __ ] is baller he painted the macaroni green and put it on the string he tied it on my neck and he told me he was proud of me and I got choked up and he thought I was saying is how smart he was he says are you saying Danny and I said oh nice add he too young to understand his son but this is [ __ ] crazy used to live in my balls right now you're making jewelry out of macaroni you a bad [ __ ] I'll live Chappelle's oh [ __ ] mine's been thank you that's what it's all about everybody usually wants to be famous slick and rock nice jewelry no they should think I already got a macaroni necklace I got value [ __ ] I got I got diving [ __ ] not in it for that only kind of [ __ ] I want to do with Fame that's like decadent as I want to go to Vegas to the $5,000 blackjack table and I don't even want to play I just wouldn't be such a big star that I could go up to one of the players in a tight hand put my dick on this show and I'm such a celebrity think it's funny hey what the [ __ ] oh [ __ ] Dave Chappelle get on her cellphone you are not gonna believe who's dick is on my shoulder and this guy's balls are he's had some work hoodie thank you enough that bless you old man keep washing them a try to make it interesting they say I'm rich [ __ ]

Channel: Comedy Live

Views: 1,328,424

Rating: 4.7119088 out of 5

Keywords: Dave Chappelle (TV Writer), Comedian (Profession), Comedy (Theater Genre), Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Funny, Humor, For What its worth

Id: PRqB4eOshOY

Length: 57min 39sec (3459 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 21 2015