Comedy Showdown: Dave Chappelle vs Katt Williams |

[Music] lil kim went to jail for not snitching give you that one again not snitching for doing what your mama told you to do then your mama ever say stop taller telling all [ __ ] time look everybody like the tattletail that's what the [ __ ] she went to prison for meanwhile michael jackson is creating a [ __ ] smelling like little boy's booty holes and i thought could be exciting [ __ ] michael i know i'm supposed to be happy because it used to be black i know i know i remember [ __ ] that michael forgot he was a [ __ ] he forgot he was a [ __ ] he forgot he was a [ __ ] that he was unsupporting we had that big ass greasy ass bell pepper ass nose that was us did the [ __ ] want to get white we kept giving the [ __ ] chances and [ __ ] with the villain [ __ ] you know that ain't no real goddamn [ __ ] what [ __ ] you know called villalago it'd be a line as big as a [ __ ] to catch villalago you mean i can get my credit rating up to 720 by catching this [ __ ] [ __ ] michael [ __ ] [ __ ] him i don't give a [ __ ] how good you can sing and dance i got babies you nasty [ __ ] you can't play with little boys booty hoes and some of y'all looking at me like i can't believe you saying that it's a set up [ __ ] a setup don't nobody say the same [ __ ] about you for 20 goddamn years what the [ __ ] is you talking about if a [ __ ] crackheads are 20 years [ __ ] you are smoking crap whitney doesn't smoke her kneecaps off but we still talk about [Applause] [ __ ] micah he spent his whole life trying to be a white woman his whole [ __ ] life then assuming he'll never get in trouble now he want to be surrounded by muslims and [ __ ] michael you ain't no [ __ ] muslim you can't even be a muslim you got a white woman park face how you gonna be a muslim half your faith is part micah [ __ ] michael don't get on tv a lot of us and tell us [ __ ] don't make no [ __ ] sense this [ __ ] climbing up in trees and [ __ ] talking about don't you climb trees no [ __ ] we got bills and [ __ ] take your peter pan ass and make some peanut butter or some [ __ ] [ __ ] michael telling [ __ ] that unpaid good money for him telling us [ __ ] it don't make no goddamn sense talking about he put his [ __ ] dick in a white woman and came out with two babies that ain't mixed who the [ __ ] do you think you talking to [ __ ] i'm a grown [ __ ] man you put a [ __ ] dick and a white woman they got two blonde blue-eyed babies [ __ ] [ __ ] you [ __ ] you one of them baby's name is blanket you can't name no [ __ ] baby blanket you can't name a [ __ ] baby nothing soft not blanket quilt comforter [Applause] we know what the [ __ ] michael doing we been knowing how michael was if you don't believe me tell me was the last time michael was in a relationship that you believed don't worry i'll wait when was the last time he was like michael is walking the [ __ ] out of that [ __ ] not never that [ __ ] showing up to press conferences he got emanuel lewis sitting on his [ __ ] lap and we like oh that's cute forgetting the fact that emmanuel lewis was 26 [ __ ] years old [Applause] [ __ ] that thing he just on the balcony little boys i like him michael can't [ __ ] lie to me i'm a grown [ __ ] man i love [ __ ] that's my [ __ ] i love [ __ ] so if you go to my house it's certain [ __ ] at my house that ain't for me it's for [ __ ] i got a regular bed with regular pillows and i got two pillows with a silk cover on it that's not for me that's case [ __ ] wanna come over there and they don't feel like wrapping their goddamn hell they ain't gotta [ __ ] up they perm [ __ ] with a [ __ ] cause i love [ __ ] that's my [ __ ] if you go to my house it's alize at my house i don't drink no [ __ ] alize but [ __ ] do and when they come over there i want them to feel comfortable now what the [ __ ] would michael need in his house if he was trying to make little boys feel comfortable i don't know a goddamn amusement park some [ __ ] animals some video games of free candy you notice all the kids on trial was the same they was all either sick or slow or used to have cancer or couldn't speak english good you noticed there was no little [ __ ] kids on trial you notice that didn't you you know why cause it's hard to [ __ ] a [ __ ] child that's why i take my son to neverland ranch right now i bet you michael can't [ __ ] myself be sitting in the driveway like uh-uh mr jackson i thought we were going to little bow wow's house i'm going to call my daddy i am the boy you finna get it you better get it that's what i'm waiting for because the timing of this michael jackson [ __ ] is what makes me doubt it every time this war is going out of control the economy is bad or something is wrong with the world at large it's always these moments in history that michael jackson will coincidentally jerk awful kid this is getting ridiculous like are you planning this [ __ ] do you have meetings michael thank you for coming as you know michael the war has not been going as well as we expected there's been a lot of hiccups and the public is asking us a lot of questions of course and well michael there's no nice way to say this and all i know how to do is be direct so let me just be direct we're gonna need you to jerk off another child mike i'm sorry i am sorry but it would really help out or maybe he didn't who knows who knows that's the thing that's what i wanted to say who knows who the [ __ ] knows mike god and this little boy know that's that's about it that's about it the only reason that i can even talk about this [ __ ] is because everybody is speculating they all think he did it and i don't think he did it i'm alone in this i don't think he did it i'm not going to say i don't think he did it that's too strong [Music] let me just say i am reserving judgment until all the facts come out but so far from what i heard i mean the kid said he was dying of cancer he was in make-a-wish foundation he claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish to meet michael jackson come on man give me a [ __ ] break this kid is 10 years old he don't remember thriller the [ __ ] you want to meet michael jackson for honestly i remember thrilling i just like kind of want to meet this [ __ ] like i wouldn't break an appointment to meet him i put it that way i'd have to already be free that's ridiculous like if i'm dying in two weeks and go oh mama oh get me in the room with chubby chuckle i wouldn't want to meet that [ __ ] my leg is two weeks why not usher somebody like this so then the kid claims he goes to michael's house this is where it all gets crazy i don't like you know he does everything you'd expect at michael's house they uh climbed trees and rode roller coasters and ferris wheels the chef made cookies pies and cakes they was petting the monkey and giraffes sing songs kid [ __ ] and in the middle of all this child-like activity for some reason mike pulled out some wine and some pills and sucked this kid's dick folks it hurts me to say it and the kid had the nerve to call that abuse [ __ ] that is a good host god damn what else do you want what else do you want i'm lucky to get a glass of grape drink in my friend's house let alone a roller coaster ride my dick sucked mike must be confused like i brought you in my house i fed you i sucked your dick and this is how you repay me [ __ ] this was your wish that man i thought you were dying in two weeks what happened to that [ __ ] i've been in court for a year and a half you get strong every time i see you [Music] when that this is [ __ ] i shouldn't even say the [ __ ] wouldn't be some ironic [ __ ] if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer was michael jackson sucking your dick somehow like if mike had powers like green mile and all the kids like please mike's i got this never again he didn't appreciate it here can we at least study your saliva please mike it just doesn't stop though it just doesn't stop now while your body is still with you because the rest of us will tell you this getting old [ __ ] is for the birds that [ __ ] do not let off once it's on your ass that's it your ass spin to get old right now [Applause] [ __ ] up [ __ ] up we didn't know it's gonna be like this i used to laugh like [ __ ] at my grandfather making all that noise getting out to bed he oh i'm over there judging this [ __ ] look at this lazy ass [ __ ] you know ain't nothing wrong with him at 6 30 in the goddamn morning we see this [ __ ] is for the birds your mind is still young but your body has checked the [ __ ] out you ever told yourself to get out of bed and yourself didn't listen you was like it's time to go on and get out to bed now i'm gonna go on and get out to bed now i'ma lay here ten more minutes and get my [ __ ] together ten more minutes [Applause] and your body has given the [ __ ] up you start getting older you gotta change [ __ ] i used to be able to watch tv all night long not no more now i gotta take my stupid ass to sleep these [ __ ] commercials is too scary and too not specific you scared and don't even know what the [ __ ] you scared of i know i'm not the only person in here who think he might maybe could possibly have miso d leona though none of us know what the [ __ ] it is they just keep scaring us with it you might have it you might have it it's worth some money every time i cough i think i didn't call it and i'm [ __ ] around and i drank that miso soup that one time i think that's where it comes from i'm not sure it's [ __ ] up you start getting older [ __ ] change you gotta deal with it when you young the only way you can hurt yourself is if you in an accident you start getting older you can [ __ ] yourself up not doing a goddamn thing you young you had to hurt yourself to be in accident you get older you see your friend he got a cast on all his ribs and [ __ ] god damn [ __ ] did you get in a car accident no i [ __ ] around and yawned too fast i caught my body off guard i wasn't stretching or nothing like that like i should i just out of nowhere y'all ripped all of that up right there [ __ ] up first time in my life i've ever like started to physically feel my age you can it's tough man you know how i'm getting old this is embarrassing but i was in my hotel room i was i'm not gonna lie i was jerking off like and i was like really sweating it out and this is when i knew i was old i just gave up in the middle like nothing even happened [Applause] i don't like looking at my dick anymore my dick looks distinguished it's oh that old looking dick it's got salt and pepper hair all around it my dick looks like morgan friedman in the 90s without the dots my dick narrates dave pulled me out and started jerking me around and jerking me around but not with the same vickers when he was young he and i both knew nothing was coming out i see my age and my children i came home from the road this is not long ago i've been gone for if you can picture i was gone for weeks and weeks and when i came back uh nobody was home now one person in my family thought that uh maybe i'd like to see them when i got back like they knew when i was coming back but they just weren't they just weren't home and that [ __ ] was a wake-up call you know like when my kids were little and the tour bus would pull up to the house these [ __ ] would spill out dad is home hooray and they'd hug me and kiss me and then as the years went on they'd get less interested hey everybody look it's mr promises back from the road but an empty house that's that's some cold [ __ ] and i went into my oldest son's room i was like hello hello he was gone and i never done this thing before but for some reason i just did it i just i just looked through his [ __ ] just to see who this [ __ ] was becoming and i found these notebooks and i started going through the notebooks and it was all this wonderful poetry in him written as his handwriting i didn't even know this [ __ ] wrote poems and then i looked through his drawers and i opened up his middle drawer and i found this rolling paper and i looked down at them papers like oh that's where that poetry is coming from [Applause] and that [ __ ] broke my heart i mean i smoke weed but i mourned my son's innocence and i cried a little bit and i took his papers upstairs to my room rolled some weed that i'd hit from the family and i got really high and then i got paranoid so i put his papers back how i found him so he wouldn't know what i was up to this [ __ ] won't even know that that happened until he sees this special yeah [ __ ] i found your papers i know why you're mad [ __ ] you gonna have to be happy and be in tune with your star player because these [ __ ] is on some [ __ ] if you watch tv all they want to talk about is the election the election it's time for a new president i think first we need to celebrate the fact that bush ain't gonna be president no goddamn more first first this [ __ ] i don't understand how the [ __ ] do you get a job and [ __ ] up everything everything everything this [ __ ] has [ __ ] up everything gas water air everything and he's not just stupid butch don't even give a [ __ ] he won't even try at least if you stupid you should try he don't even try i don't even know why he go to the press conference he don't even be talking about [ __ ] they even be talking about they just what do you think about the problem in darfur you get on that horse you got to ride it [Applause] who the [ __ ] asked him about a goddamn horse then he walked off like he didn't really saying some [ __ ] this [ __ ] don't give a [ __ ] bush don't let this coke in years we've been not finding the same one [ __ ] we was looking for in the first place the same one [ __ ] not a gang not a group not a country the same one [ __ ] the tall one with the beard and the robes and the kidney problem and the dialysis machine lived in a cave doing the video right now we still ain't found that same one [ __ ] but they know everything t.i did at the hip-hop awards they got that [ __ ] down in five-minute increments just nine o'clock nine oh five nine o ten nine fifteen nine i know why that said nine or ten some of you [ __ ] couldn't wait that dumb ass [ __ ] said nine o ten that's not even a real time bush's [ __ ] ass he don't give a [ __ ] every time you see our soldiers they tired as [ __ ] from marching in the wrong goddamn direction that y'all going the wrong way we know well no [ __ ] two weeks ago on cnn they said pakistan is terror central pakistan that's not what the [ __ ] you [ __ ] said pakistan you said afghanistan then you said iran then iraq you [ __ ] have no idea where terry is steal you and why the [ __ ] is we chasing tara if tara can't even keep a home address maybe tara ain't doing well right now but bush don't give a [ __ ] he don't give a [ __ ] white people y'all too nice just let a [ __ ] [ __ ] up the greatest country for eight years in a [ __ ] row white people you just let the driver of the car be lost for miles and miles and miles and they won't even say nothing just sit in the back seat and talk [ __ ] quietly to each other and [ __ ] [Applause] i don't think they even know where they're going [Applause] no because we passed that three times remember i took a picture with my camera phone you do remember as [ __ ] we ain't got no patience you can't even be the lost driver of [ __ ] cause we ain't got enough patience as soon as your ass make two suspect left so your ass is no longer the goddamn driver [ __ ] ain't got no patience and one [ __ ] in the back though hey you gotta pull this [ __ ] over [ __ ] you can't be the driver if you don't know where the [ __ ] you going we got warrants back here [ __ ] we can't be lost just looking around probably just saying but there's a reason for that because it matters more for that matters more black people see see even when i vote right which i don't but but but even when i like think about like who i would vote for right i don't even look at their political policies i just look at their character you know what i'm saying now you gotta know i'm serious you gotta read between the lines like you know you look at clinton and black people like clinton because we've seen him on the case that's all one thing on the campaign trail he he actually just picked the black baby up and kicked him come here little [ __ ] baby [Music] i like that he did not hesitate or nothing you see george bush jr like say i'd never vote for george bush junior but i don't know george was doing his politics only thing i know about george bush jr is that that guy sniffed cocaine that's right now listen we cannot have that [ __ ] in the white house that might be fine for a mayor but goddammit the states are too high in the white house can't have no coke here president he'd be selling nuclear seekers for 20 30 and [ __ ] could be in meetings embarrassing america come on sign the treaty baby i suck your dick mr president that is not how we do business here sir stop sucking the ambassador's dick no let them finish i will sign the treaty there will be peace in israel finally

Channel: Daily Dose Comedy

Views: 468,110

Rating: 4.7670469 out of 5

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Id: BDyi4tTqnTY

Length: 22min 2sec (1322 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 07 2021