Dave Chappelle Funniest R Kelly Jokes

doesn't matter what i say and if you at home watching this [ __ ] on netflix remember [ __ ] you clicked on my [Applause] face my mind's telling me no [Applause] okay our kelly is different i mean you know if i'm a betting man i'm gonna put my money on he probably did that [ __ ] i'm pretty sure he did that [ __ ] you know it's bad okay so a couple years ago i was doing a show in detroit and i'm sitting backstage in my dressing room a friend of mine comes by this chick dream hampton dream uh tells me right before i'm going on stage she goes dave we're working on a documentary about r kelly would you like to be in it and i was like nah [ __ ] i'm cool [Applause] i went on stage i just forgot about the [ __ ] and then two years later the documentary comes out surviving r kelly and when it comes out dream's promoting [ __ ] and she keeps bringing me up she said i asked dave chappelle to be in my documentary and he said it was too hot for tv [ __ ] i did not say that this does not even sound like how i talk oh that's too hot for tv i would never say that [ __ ] [Applause] but i'm gonna tell you guys why i wasn't in the documentary it's a very simple reason and i i cannot stress this point enough the only reason that i didn't do it was because and it's very important i don't know this [ __ ] at all i don't know anything i don't know anything that they don't tell me about i don't hang out with this [ __ ] nothing so what the [ __ ] do i gotta be in the documentary for this guy kelly got another sex tape out now can't believe that [ __ ] this guy makes more sex tapes than he does music he's like the dj khaled of sex tapes another one like damn it's a lot of tapes the new one's so bad that they didn't even show it i've never seen anything like this the prosecutor in chicago came out in a press conference and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape have you ever heard of such thing this [ __ ] read the sex tape and it was so bad that r kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts it's [ __ ] amazing 16 times the girl's age was mentioned isn't that crazy this [ __ ] is an idiot he was [ __ ] like yeah this is the best 14 year old [ __ ] i've ever had in my life and she was like you like this 14 year old he's like oh yeah i love this photo i'm like man you need to shut the [ __ ] up you got to give your lawyer something to work with you're supposed to be on the tape like this is the best 36 year old [ __ ] i've ever had in my life [Applause] and then your lawyer can be like your honor clearly my client thought that this woman was 36 as he mentioned some 16 times in the tape [Applause] they gonna know you lying though i mean everybody knows no such thing as good 36 year old [ __ ] the week that sketch came out losing chicago and a common show and his bus in my room what did he say about the video son he said how are you gonna do a video how you doing all our stars man our kelly pissed on his victim i know it was rough but i mean again i can't even judge r kelly first of all we don't know if these allegations are true and that even if they are true if you want to know how i feel about it honestly if a man cannot pee on his fans i don't want to be in show business anymore because well that's why i got in the game baby i got dreams too you guys are confusing the issue while you guys are busy worrying about if r kelly even peed on this girl or not you're not asking yourself the real question that america needs to decide once and for all and that question is how old is 15 really oh that's a good question that's a good question i'm not saying that a person is as smart as they're going to be at 15. that's not what i'm saying man but i am saying 15 to me is old enough to decide whether or not you want to be pissed on i mean that's for me if you can't make a decision like that by the time you're 15 and just give up [ __ ] because life is way harder than that i make tougher decisions all the time if you don't want to get pissed on just get the [ __ ] out of the way it's not even a decision if i stop peeing on the front row they're not gonna have to calculate and think how do i feel about this am i okay with it they just move you can do that at 15. i i could have i've been 15. when i was 15 i was doing stand-up and nightclubs and smoke reefer from time to time friends were selling crack i was trying to finger [ __ ] people i knew what was happening around me to some degree getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15. trust me but it keeps coming up it's a lot of confusion around that age any time 15 comes up people freak out like when that girl elizabeth smart got kidnapped right remember you told last year's 15-year-old girl elizabeth smart was kidnapped and then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved and i was the only one saying damn she wasn't that smart after all now cause she got kidnapped that could happen to anybody i'm not knocking her for that i'm just saying if you're kidding at me when i was 15 you gotta take me further than eight miles away from my house man god damn can't hold me prison around [ __ ] i recognize i'll break away i'll break away [ __ ] off me [ __ ] that's my bus stop i know where i'm at i'm going home she was missing for six months eight miles away from my house that's two exits man that's nothing and while she was missing during this half a year that this girl is missing there's a seven-year-old black girl gets kidnapped in philadelphia nobody knows her name they might have talked about it two or three times on the news but she should have been top story because she chewed through the ropes and had both of these [ __ ] in jail and 45 minutes flat 70 years old i'm not making this up there's two crackheads kidnapped and took him back to the crack house and tied her up and then they left her the crackheads they got to make moves crack smoke chocolate to eat these [ __ ] made moves it was out but as soon as they left this little girl got the nibblin she was kidnapped at four o'clock and at home watching herself on the news at 5 30. that [ __ ] is crazy that's a that's a news story that is a news story now meanwhile in utah 15 year old elizabeth smart's captains left her alone too and they didn't even tie her up cause they're hillbillies they just bounced don't try to escape [ __ ] it will kill you be right back at least she's 15 sitting in the house by herself how am i going to get out of this come on elizabeth think think elizabeth how am i going to get out of here why don't you just open the [ __ ] door and go outside have you thought about that do you have a quarter do you know your phone number your 15 [ __ ] run stop thinking and stop making moves [Applause] i know i sound mean and i know what the people are thinking when i'm saying this dave she is only 15. all right but that's the discrepancy because when you talk about a little girl like elizabeth smart then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent on the flip side here comes 15 again now we talking about a 15 year old black kid in florida this black kid accidentally killed his neighbor when he's practicing wrestling moves that he saw on tv now was he a kid no they gave him life they always try our 15 year olds as adults this [ __ ] know what he was doing it's a goddamn pile driver this kid gets on the ropes there's no stopping him you'd have to send the rock to arrest him and they gave a 15-year-old boy life in jail if you think that it's okay to give him life in jail then it should be legal to pee on them that's all i'm saying you got to make up your mind across the board how old 15 actually is that's all i'm saying so i'm gonna tell you right now if somebody comes in here and puts a gun in my head and says chappelle you got a choice to make you're either going to jail for a month or we'll let you go but you gotta let our kelly pee on you i'm not hesitating bring in r kelly and tell him to stay away from my eyes i'd rather get pissed on on the outside and [ __ ] the butt on the inside son i can't go to jail with some smooth botox balls and think everything's going to be all right it's not that kind of place take my chance with that piss pistol wash off with a 10 minute shower i'm certain of it coming right out what can i do they're going to put me in jail

Channel: Daily Dose Comedy

Views: 1,487,974

Rating: 4.8776312 out of 5

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Id: 1fMOPdywN1g

Length: 11min 8sec (668 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 05 2021