Hannibal Buress - Jaywalking Is a Fantasy Crime

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- I GOT A JAYWALKING TICKET IN MONTREAL. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I'VE JAYWALKED SO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE. IT'S SUCH AN EASY THING TO TIME OUT. IS THERE A CAR COMING? NO? LET ME GET ACROSS THEN. I'VE DONE IT THOUSANDS OF TIMES. BUT THIS TIME IT WAS ME AND THIS OLD LADY. WE WERE JAYWALKING TOGETHER. WE WEREN'T TOGETHER LIKE THAT, BUT IF WE WERE, SO WHAT? MIND YOUR BUSINESS. I JUST MET Y'ALL. SO ME AND THIS OLD LADY, WE GET ACROSS THE STREET, THEN A MONTREAL COP APPROACHES US, SPEAKING IN FRENCH. [imitating French] FRENCH. [laughter] I SAID, "HEY, MAN, I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT. "THAT'S NOT HOW I TALK. CAN YOU TALK TO ME HOW I TALK?" THAT PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST WAY TO START OFF OUR INTERACTION, BY MOCKING HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE, BUT WHO CARES? I TAKE RISKS IN LIFE. AND HE SAYS, "YOU WERE JAYWALKING!" AND I SAID, "SORRY ABOUT THAT." AND I TRIED TO KEEP GOING ABOUT MY DAY. 'CAUSE I THOUGHT THAT'S HOW JAYWALKING WAS HANDLED AS A CRIME-- "YOU WERE JAYWALKING!" "MY BAD. "WE'RE DONE HERE, RIGHT? THAT'S IT. "I ACKNOWLEDGED THAT I JAYWALKED, I APOLOGIZED "NOT FOR THE ACT OF JAYWALKING, "BUT HOW MY JAYWALKING MADE YOU FEEL. "I'LL TRY NOT TO JAYWALK IN THE FUTURE WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING, "BUT TRUST I'M GONNA DO IT THE REST OF MY LIFE. IT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT BEING A PEDESTRIAN." [laughter] AND HE SAYS, "NO, I HAVE TO GIVE YOU A TICKET. GIVE ME YOUR I.D." I SAID, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. "I ONLY GIVE PEOPLE MY I.D. FOR REAL STUFF. "THIS IS NOT REAL. THIS IS A FANTASY CRIME "THAT YOU'RE ENFORCING TO COVER UP THE FACT "THAT YOUR CITY IS HAVING FINANCIAL PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW. "THIS CITY IS BROKE, AND THEY PUT YOU OUT HERE "WITH A QUOTA, AND THAT'S FINE. "I WILL DONATE 60 OF YOUR COLORFUL-ASS DOLLARS "TO YOUR BROKE-ASS CITY. BUT LET'S JUST DO IT LIKE THAT. NO PAPERWORK, AND IT'S GOOD." GUESS WHAT. TWO MORE COPS SHOW UP. NOW WE HAVE THREE MONTREAL POLICE OFFICERS WORKING THIS HIGH-PROFILE JAYWALKING CASE. THREE COPS FOR ME AND JAYWALKING. FAIR ENOUGH. I DECIDED DURING THE TIME I WAS JUST GONNA TALK TRASH TO THE COP STANDING CLOSEST TO ME 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE HIM OR WHAT HE REPRESENTS. SO I JUST WANTED TO MESS WITH HIM AND SAY WHATEVER I COULD SAY TO MESS WITH HIM, 'CAUSE HE'S WASTING MY TIME, SO I SAY, "HEY, MAN, HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKE A YEAR?" WHICH IS A DOUCHEY THING TO DO, I'M AWARE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS DOUCHEY? TO HAVE THREE COPS WORKING A JAYWALKING TICKET. THAT'S OVERKILL. I ONLY HAVE TWO LEGS. THAT'S A COP AND A HALF PER LEG. THAT'S A WASTE OF CITY FUNDS. THAT'S WHY THEIR CITY IS BROKE NOW. AND HE TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE MADE. I DON'T KNOW WHY HE TOLD ME. HE DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL ME. THEN HE SAID, "HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE?" AND I TOLD HIM. AND HE GOT UPSET. AND HE SAID, "WHAT DO YOU SELL? DRUGS?" I SAID, "NO, I DON'T SELL DRUGS. THAT WAS KIND OF RACIST." "WHAT DO YOU SELL? CARS?" [laughter] "WAIT, WHY ARE THOSE YOUR TWO FIRST GUESSES?" "HEY, THIS DUDE IS DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL, "OR PEOPLE LOVE BUYING SUBARUS FROM HIM. "HE'S A CHARISMATIC GUY. SELL THE HELL OUT OF A CAR. "THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO JOBS I KNOW BESIDES POLICE OFFICER. I'M A DUMB GUY. MY WORLD VIEW IS LIMITED." THEN I SAY, "HEY, MAN, YOUR COLLEAGUE HERE IS 50 YEARS OLD "AND HE'S WRITING JAYWALKING TICKETS FOR A LIVING. "IS HE CONSIDERED A FAILURE AS A POLICE OFFICER? 'CAUSE THAT SEEMS LIKE SOME STUFF THAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING." HE WAS A YOUNGER GUY. HE WAS UPSET ABOUT THAT. HE WAS TRYING TO HOLD IN HE WAS UPSET, BUT I COULD TELL HE WAS UPSET, BECAUSE THE NEXT THING HE SAID WAS, "OH, YOU A COOL GUY, HUH?" I SAID, "NO, I'M NOT A COOL GUY. ARE YOU A COOL GUY?" HE SAID, "YEAH, I'M A COOL GUY JUST DOING COOL STUFF, TRYING TO BE COOL." I SAID, "MAN, COOL PEOPLE NEVER SAY SHIT LIKE THAT." [laughter] THEY GAVE ME A $37 TICKET FOR JAYWALKING AND A $444 TICKET JUST FOR BEING AN ASS[bleep]. THAT'S HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO BE AN ASS[bleep] TO MONTREAL POLICE, JUST IN CASE YOU'RE PRICING IT OUT FOR YOUR NEXT VACATION. BUT DON'T WORRY-- DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I'M NOT PAYING EITHER OF THEM. IT'S IN CANADA. IT DOESN'T COUNT TO ME. IT'S NOT REAL. I WAS AT THE AIRPORT, THERE WAS THIS KID, FOUR OR FIVE YEARS OLD, WALKING WITH HIS MOMMY, FIXED HIS FINGERS IN A FAKE GUN, AND THEN TOOK A SHOT AT ME. NOW I'M LOOKING AT THE WALL TO SEE IF THERE'S SOMETHING ON THE WALL HE COULD HAVE BEEN SHOOTING AT, 'CAUSE I'M IN DENIAL. I LOOK BACK AT HIM, HE LOOKS ME IN MY EYES, AND TAKES TWO MORE SHOTS. NOW I'M HIT THREE TIMES. THAT WAS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION. I HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF. I'M A MAN BEFORE ANYTHING. I WILL POINT-BLANK FAKE-SHOOT THIS KID RIGHT HERE. "HEY, DIE, BITCH, LITTLE KID. "DIE. WHAT NOW? "NOW WHAT? WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, MOM? "CONTROL YOUR KID AND SHIT LIKE THIS "WON'T HAPPEN IN THE AIRPORT. "NOW EVERYBODY'S GETTING FAKE-SHOT. "WHAT'S EVERYBODY ELSE LOOKING AT? "THIS HAS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. "AMERICAN AIRLINES LADY, GET DOWN RIGHT NOW. I'LL SHOOT UP YOU AND YOUR BANKRUPT-ASS COMPANY." MY OTHER AIRPORT NEMESIS IS AIRPORT SECURITY. I DON'T LIKE THEM AT ALL. THEY SEEM SO DEDICATED TO KEEPING BOTTLED WATER OUT OF THE SKY. THAT'S THE MAIN THING. IT'S PROBABLY EASIER TO GET COCAINE ON A PLANE THAN A BOTTLE OF WATER. PROBABLY ONLY WAY YOU COULDN'T GET COCAINE ON A PLANE IF THEY LOOKED AT IT AND SAID, "WHAT IS THIS? POWDERED WATER?" "NO, IT'S COCAINE." "GO RIGHT AHEAD. ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT." BECAUSE A TERRORIST TRIED A LIQUID BOMB THING, NOW NOBODY CAN BRING LIQUIDS ON A PLANE. ONE PERSON MESSED IT UP FOR EVERYBODY. BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT'S BEING REACTIVE INSTEAD OF PROACTIVE, BECAUSE TERRORISTS ARE ALWAYS TRYING NEW STUFF. SO NEXT TIME IT'S GONNA BE SOME TYPE OF SNICKERS BOMB, AND AFTER THAT HAPPENS, YOU CAN'T BRING FULL-SIZED SNICKERS ON THE PLANE ANYMORE. YOU CAN ONLY BRING MINIATURE SNICKERS 'CAUSE ONE PERSON MESSED IT UP FOR EVERYBODY. NOW YOU HAVE SECURITY TRYING TO NEGOTIATE YOUR SNICKERS SITUATION. "HEY, IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I BRING FOUR MINIATURE SNICKERS? THAT'S ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS A FULL-SIZED SNICKER." SECURITY SAY, "DON'T PLAY WITH ME. "THIS IS NOT A GAME! "WE ARE SAVING THE WORLD ONE SNICKERS BAR AT A TIME FOR YOUR FREEDOM IN AMERICA!" "RELAX, MAN, I'M JUST HUNGRY. STOP YELLING AT ME." "YOU CAN'T BRING THE BOTTLED WATER, SIR." "WHY NOT? IT'S NOT BOMB WATER. WHAT IF I SIP THE WATER TO SHOW YOU THAT IT'S NOT BOMB WATER?" "BUT WHAT IF IT'S SIPPABLE BOMB WATER?" "THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS SIPPABLE BOMB WATER. "YOU'RE BEING SILLY RIGHT NOW, MAN. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BOMB WATER." ONE DAY, THEY STOPPED ME FOR ADDITIONAL SCREENING, BUT THE ONLY SCREENING THEY DID, THEY RUBBED THE CLOTH ON MY HANDS, AND THEN THEY WENT AND TESTED IT, THEY CAME BACK AND SAID, "ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GOOD." "OKAY, COOL, GOOD THING I DIDN'T HAVE BOMB JUICE ON MY HANDS. WAS THAT THE BOMB JUICE TEST?" WHAT IF I DID HAVE BOMB JUICE ON MY HANDS? WHAT IF ONE OF MY FRIENDS-- "HEY, HANNIBAL, "BEFORE YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT, YOU WANT TO HOLD A BOMB REAL QUICK?" [laughter] AND I SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT, I NEVER HELD A BOMB BEFORE, I'M OPEN TO NEW EXPERIENCES, LET ME..." [laughter] "THAT'S PRETTY COOL. THANKS, MAN. THAT WAS REAL COOL." THEN I GET TO THE AIRPORT, THEY TEST MY HANDS, THEY SAY, "YOU HAVE BOMB JUICE ON YOUR HANDS. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO TELL US?" "YEAH, ONE OF MY FRIENDS, HE GOT A BUNCH OF BOMBS. "AND HE SAID, 'YOU WANT TO HOLD A BOMB REAL QUICK "BEFORE YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT?' "AND I NEVER HELD A BOMB BEFORE, "SO I THOUGHT IT'D BE SOMETHING COOL TO DO. "I MADE SURE NOT TO BRING THE BOMB WITH ME, 'CAUSE I KNOW Y'ALL HATE THAT." [laughter] "SO I WANT TO JUST HOLD A BOMB REAL QUICK. "I THINK YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT "AND STOP BEING JEALOUS 'CAUSE I GOT ALL TYPES OF FRIENDS. "SOME OF MY FRIENDS OWN BOMBS AND LET ME HOLD THEM. "YOU NEED TO OPEN UP YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE AND MEET SOME NEW PEOPLE." I HATE WHEN THEY TRY TO MAKE CONVERSATION WITH ME. "ARE YOU GOING TO NEW YORK FOR BUSINESS OR PLEASURE?" "I'M GOING TO NEW YORK TO TALK "ABOUT YOU IN FRONT OF STRANGERS. SO I GUESS BOTH."
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Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up
Views: 8,323,530
Rating: undefined out of 5
Keywords: Hannibal Buress, Animal Furnace, Hannibal Buress stand up, Hannibal Buress comedy, Hannibal Buress special, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, jaywalking, crime, montreal, canada, french, police, quota, cops, ticket, altercation, argument, airport, kid, finger guns, airplane, air travel, cocaine, water, terrorism, security, airport security, TSA, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up
Id: xlonY2l3V9c
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 8min 1sec (481 seconds)
Published: Fri Sep 28 2018
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