- [Dave] There's a black
man sitting in a desk directly to your right. Look at him. - Morpheus? - Sike! (laughter) It's Earl, I need your stapler. I can't find mine. (upbeat music) - I worked at a couple
of fast food places. Parked cars at wrestling. I couldn't pay the rent and I was too
ashamed to go home. That's when I met Kit. She was a hooker and
made it sound so great. - Okay. You gotta get the
(beep) outta here. (laughter) (laughter) (sobbing) - Molly. Molly. Molly. - [Dave] Hey Molly, your husband's clothes
fit funny, girl. (laughter) - Well they look better on
you than they ever did on him. Why don't you take them off? - Not a bad idea. - Hm. - You ready to get
some of this loving? - [Molly] You bet your ass I am. It's my dumb ass husband
who's dead, not me. - You ready to step
into the jungle? - [Molly] Oh yeah. What do you say? - [Dave] Oh man. - [Man] Molly! - Oh, you know I see you. You know I, yeah I'm
looking right at you. You, the ghost. I see you. You freaky man,
you like to watch? You wanna watch? How this make you feel? (cheering) - [Man] Man, I could
just slide a finger down the crack of that ass. (laughter) - [Man] I wish my
boys could see this, look at the ass on that. - [Man] I'd like to have
doggy style sex with her. (laughter) - [Man] Damn, look
at her nipples man. (laughter) (laughter) - [Boy] I would put a
hurting on that bitch. (laughter) (applause) Damn! (laughter) (suspenseful music) (phone ringing) - Hello? - [Earl] Hello Neo, do
you know who this is? - Morpheus? - [Earl] Yes. I've been looking for you Neo. I don't know if you're ready
to see what I want to show you but unfortunately, you and
I have run out of time. They're coming for you Neo and I don't know what
they're going to do. - Who's coming for me? - [Earl] Stand up
and see for yourself. (suspenseful music) - Shit! - [Earl] I can guide
you out of there, but you must do
exactly as I say. - Okay. - [Earl] The cubicle
across from you is empty. (suspenseful music) Go, now! (suspenseful music) Stay there. (suspenseful music) When I tell you, go to
the end of the hall. Stay as low as you can. Now! (farting sound) (laughter) (suspenseful music) There is a black man
sitting in a desk directly to your right. Look at him. - Morpheus? - Sike! (laughter) It's Earl, I need your stapler. I can't find mine. (laughter) Hello dumb dumb, do
you know who this is? (laughter) - Dude, you totally got me. - Whoa. (laughter) (laughter) (applause) Please be seated. Hello America. As you all know, there's an
asteroid the size of Maine speeding towards
Earth as we speak. I'd like to take a
moment out of the day to address the allegations
that this is somehow my fault. (laughter) Firstly, I'd like to say
that these allegations are absolutely and 100% false. Secondly and most importantly,
I'd like to say that you mother (beep) disgust me! You god damn right, I said it. If you knew just
one of the things I was sworn to secrecy too, you would buckle under
the god damn pressure. - Mr. President? Like what? - How about this? I have here in my hand
the cure for AIDS. We've had this for 25 years. (gasping) Have a great weekend. (laughter) Did I shock you? Are you crazy yet? Well, I have someone
I'd like you to meet. Come on up here Paula. America, I'd like you to
meet my good friend Paula. And here's Paula again, and
here's Paula one more time. We cloned these three bitches
in a laboratory in Seattle some 19 odd years ago. (laughter) Not only that, we added
a pinch of black gene so that they could
do things like this. Hit it girls. ♪ Running through
the rain drops ♪ ♪ Wishing that you won't stop ♪ - That'll be enough,
thank you very much. All right baby. Oh hold on, Paula. Here's the cure for AIDS. Sorry about last night. (laughter) You freaked out yet? Have I blown your mind? Or do you think you could
still handle my job? Because if you're cocky and you think that
you got hold of this, I got some more
information for you. Would you like to know
who killed Kennedy? - Yes. - Who killed Kennedy? - [Dave] Ready for
the truth America? Here it comes. Oswald killed Kennedy. That's right, Lee Harvey
Oswald killed John F. Kennedy alone and by himself
with a magic bullet. That's right, the bullet
was actually magical. Magic does exist, we've known about this for
some two thousand years. I bet I blew your mind
right there, didn't I? I'm really on a roll
when I don't care, because the world's
gonna end any day now. So I might as well introduce you to a good friend
of mine, Bibble. Bibble, come on up here. - [Man] Oh my god,
is that an alien? (laughter) - America, this is Bibble. Bibble is a space creature
that lives very far away in a galaxy called Nebulon Five. And he is solely responsible
for the wave of technology we've seen over the
last few decades. Cell phones, pagers,
Play Station one and two, you might think it was the
Japanese who were responsible, but anyone in the know,
knows that it was Bibble, for shizzle, and all by Bibble 'cause only Bibble
could keep it so real. (laughter) Hey yo, Bibble is
the space ship ready? - Yah, yah. - I'm ready to get out of here. Okay, me and Bibble
are about to leave. But before we go,
I just wanna say there's no hope for
the planet Earth. There's no way to
stop the asteroid and you're all gonna die. Everyone except for me,
and of course Bibble, who's been so kind to let me
accompany him on his spaceship and I'm bringing those three
cloned white women with me. Goodbye America. I hope you all die
in a fiery death when the meteor
hits next Tuesday. Come on Bibble, let's
get out of here. - Yah, yah. (applause) (classical music) - What's with all
the stretching? - Oh, you know,
all the old adage. Big boobs, bad back. - Yeah. All set? - I'm a little worried. I didn't have a
clean sports bra, so I had to wear a regular one. - You'll be fine, let's go. (drumming) Don't worry Shelia, I'm
sure nobody notices. - Really? - Yeah. - [Man] Look at that lady. - [Man] Yeah, her
bassoons are like bouncing around and everything. (laughter) - They're not talking about you. - Sweet Jesus, did you see
the jugs on that brunette? - I'm gonna go in. - Shelia, it's okay. - It's not okay. (grunting) It's not okay! Stupid boobs! Nothing but an inconvenience. I wish I didn't have them. (gasps) - Careful what you wish for. - What? Who are you? - Who I am is not important. But what you said
about those titties is. (laughter) Follow me. (magical sounds) It's easy, try it. - [Shelia] Hey, that's me! And that's Frank, the human resources
man at my office. He's always slobbering over me. - Not today. - [Shelia] So that's
why I think I'm qualified for the promotion. - Yeah, well um, we'll see. - Why is he being so dismissive? What happened to my boobs? (laughter) - Oh, you just answered
your own question. Them puppies is gone girl,
just like you wished for. - How did it go? - Not well. That woman was a
flat chested boar. Our clients will
never respond to her. For Pete's sake,
she's got no melons. - [Man] So should I tell her she's not getting the promotion? - Yes, in fact tell that
tit-less freak she's fired. - Oh, I'm on it. - Ugh, are guys
really like that? - No. - My guy friends
aren't like that. (laughter) - Buy aka. - Oh, look it's Paul. He's always been so helpful
to me, such a loyal friend. Hey buddy. I have a painting I need
to hang up in my bedroom. Do you think you could help? - Wow, I didn't even
know we were buddies. I always thought I was
your personal handy man 'cause you're constantly
asking me for favors that I don't wanna do. You know what you need? A new set of titties
and a boyfriend. And you'll be all set all right? (laughter) What's gotten into him? - Well, it's not
what's gotten into him, as much as it is what's
gotten out of you. And by that of course, I mean
your massive milk bladders. - Paul wait, I still
have big boobs! - He can't see you. - We'll see about that. (bell ringing) - He can't see you, but my
black ass got 20/20 vision, god damn Shelia! - You men are the worst! - You're right. Oh my god Shelia, you are right. Women, the fairer sex,
they would never ever judge another woman by
the size of her boobies, now would they? Mazel tov. (magical sounds) - Hey wait, those
are my friends. - Oh, were? - Where's Shelia? Wasn't she supposed
to be a bridesmaid? - Oh, I was gonna have her
be one, but then I thought, am I getting bridesmaids starting in itty
bitty titty committee? - Oh! (laughter) - I didn't even invite
her to my wedding. - Oh snap! (laughter) - How could she do that? - 'Cause your
friends are bitches. Besides Shelia, even girls
love girls with huge tits. (laughter) - I had no idea these
things were so important. - Oh, keep it real girl. Them things are life savers. Listen, I didn't
wanna put this on you but the fate of the
world, you hear me, the world rests on
them chestacles. Shazam! (alarm beeping) - Hey, where do I know
that crazy guy from? - He used to live
next door to you. You know, masturbating to you
and those giant cans of yours was all he had to live for. Once you took that
away, he lost his mind and blew up the world. That's a lot Shelia. - [Shelia] No! No! No, I don't want
the world to end just because of my
sweater puppets. - Aw, that's a
beautiful thought. You should have
thought about that before you wished
them sweet tits away. The world's gonna end
in about 10 seconds. Which is just enough
time to suck a titty. But where would I
find a titty from? I just, hey it's Shelia. (screaming) (birds chirping) - You've taught me a
valuable lesson today. I'm never going to
curse my fun bags again. In fact, I might
even get implants. - All right. - You listen world, I've
got humongoid knockers and I'm proud of them! (applause) Thanks Mister. You must be an
angel or something. - Angel? I ain't no angel, I'm a janitor. (keys jingling) - [Shelia] Then how did you
show me all those places? - Girl, I am high on PCP. I just don't see how
you was following it. You smoked some, a little some? - No, who are you? - I'm just a (beep)
that love titties. Have a good day miss. (applause)
