(upbeat music) - One of my favorite
guest actors is Ele Woods who is also one of my very good friends. The sketch that I most loved her in is Extremely Real People
and Definitely Not Actors which was written by Mike Trapp. Ele has this ability to go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds and on set that day you could kind of feel like
everyone absorbing her energy and it was just a really fun shoot day. So, please enjoy, here it is. - Come on in, come in, come
make yourself comfortable. Thanks for coming down today, taking time out of your
real normal person jobs. Why don't you give
these flashlights a try? - Alright. - Whoa!
- What? - Oh, it's really bright. - Yeah sure, it's a flashlight. - Yeah, really crisp. - What if I told you
that these flashlights you're holding right now are
powered by OmniVolt batteries. - No. - What, what, no. - Yes.
- Come on, are you pulling my leg? - I'm not.
- OmniVolt battery? - That's right.
- You said that? - Yeah.
- You're telling me, that the blue bottom battery is powering all of these right now? - What if I told you, that OmniVolt batteries
won the H.D. Fortifer Award in quality manufacturing. - Wow! Wow! - Are you shitting me right now? - I'm not.
- Fuck off. - I can't.
- They didn't! - They did.
- Fuck the fuck off! - I wish I could. (laughs) - [Both] The H.D. Fortifier Award? - An award that all of you as real people are very well aware. - This is the craziest shit
I ever heard in my life. - Yeah!
- That's not all. OmniVolt won it three years in a row. - You shut up! - Oh my God.
- What! (cheers) - There's still energy in here. - How? - The batteries live! - What is happening? - There's no God but OmniVolt. - [Group] All hail OmniVolt! - And did you know that
OmniVolt was rated the second most reliable battery.
- Shut up, shut up! - On a survey of 200 consumers self-described as the primary purchasers of household goods within the family. (screams) - Well I am impressed. I'm gonna buy some
OmniVolt products tonight. Excuse me, I have to get to an audition. - My favorite guest star is Lou Wilson, truly one of the funniest individuals. This sketch is called
Stuck In A Conversation written by the incredible Rekha Shankar. I love it not only because
it's extremely relatable and good Lord what is worse than getting cornered at a party by somebody who truly has nothing to say. But also Lou's in it not
once, nor twice, but thrice and count me in, triple the Lou for the price of one, hell yeah. Go ahead and take a look
at Stuck In A Conversation. Here it is. - Hey Rekha. - Oh hey, good to see ya! - Good to see you too. How are you? - Good, good, good, good. Just got a deadline that I'm working on. - Totally.
- Yeah. - So, I'm actually
working on a new project. - Oh cool! But I should really get back to-- - I actually think you'd really like it it's about these two hogs, right? And one's a girl hog and the
other one's also a girl hog and it's about kind of
their friendship, right? But it's also a modern
retelling of La La Land. I'm just very excited to be
working on my own stuff now 'cause I don't have to wait anymore and I just spent so much of
I feel like my 20's waiting. - [Man] Rekha, Rekha, do you read? You are stuck in a conversation vortex. I repeat, you are stuck
in a conversation vortex. - Being 20 and in
Hollywood and being like, what am I supposed to be doing? - [Man] Do not panic, remain calm. I need you to do the following. Gently say, ha-ha yeah, I
should really get back to work. - Okay. Ha-ha, yeah, I should
really get back to work. - Totally. You know, you're such a hard worker. See that's why I want to
collaborate with you and stuff. It's funny I was at this film festival. - [Man] God damn, it's
stronger than we thought. Oh God, okay now take both your hands, lightly tap your hips and say well, and then start to get up to leave. - Well. (electricity crackles) - Sometimes I'm just like, what do people in the city do to relax? - Mayday, mayday! The signal's not working. - [Man] Okay Rekha, remain calm. Just slowly put your
headphones back into your ear. That's right. We're gonna get you out of this. - You know, it's like I get it, you have to grind but it's like. (thunder rumbles) That's why I want to work with you because you get it.
- Oh no. He's taking a seat. Rekha we're sending back up, look out for Ally with the rope. - Just floating around
like, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - I got ya. I got you! - Oh what's up Ally, hey
you know Kevin right? What a great dude. - No, pull me up, pull me up. He's too boring. Actually I have to go to the bathroom so I'll catch you later. - Later Ally. - No! (cries) - Anyway, my band is playing tonight if you want to get the gang
together and come through. I think we're actually
gonna have two bass players which will be really cool. And just for the sound-- Hey, guess what song this is? (hums) So good right? When were you born, it's
from the movie remember, and they go to kiss and then it's like. It's really important to me. - I can't talk right now, okay? - You interrupted me? - Yeah, I did. - My mechanism is the steamroll everything I've ever known it breaks down when you interrupt me. - Well, good. I'm sorry it's just I
have a lot of work to do. - That's fine, I just
wanted someone to listen, to care, to share my stories with. - Okay but--
- I just I feel like, nobody really notices me and it's like, they see me but it's like,
do they really notice me? (thunder rumbles) I just feel like, do you see me? - Oh no, sad conversation vortex! - I've just been really down lately and you're such a good listener. I think I have somebody and
then I just think to myself, what do I do? - My favorite guest star for College Humor has been John Milhiser. He's been in Hitler's A Teen Girl, Noises That Dad's Make, but my favorite appearance he's made was in
The Straightest Dude Ever written by Jessica Ross. It really highlights just like when guys perform their
straightness at you at parties and things and my favorite part of that sketch is probably when they are in awe of how straight he is and one of the descriptors
they give is like, yeah, it's really cool
he smells like shit. I think that's such a perfect
straight dude descriptor. He's also doing the weird rap hands thing during that, that I think is very funny where he's rapping at no one. He's just super funny in that sketch and I think you should watch it. So, please check it out. - Hey, sorry I'm late. - No worries, thanks for coming. - Oh yeah, of course. By the way, I brought my friend John. I hope that's okay. - God, why'd he have to bring John? - Who's John? - He's one of those straight guys that's always shoving it in your face. He's flaming straight. (rock music) (grunts) - What's up guys, cool party. You need me to fix the fuse box? - Nope John, fuse box is fine. Just try to enjoy yourself. Don't nut tap me. - No homo, you guys want a beer? - Yeah, I'll take a beer. Oh, it's warm. - You guys got a lighter? - You smoke?
- No. See the game last night? - What game, there's baseball, that was just-- What?
- Oh man. That guy's so straight, he doesn't even finish
conversations properly. - Okay but don't you think he's acting just a little bit too straight. I mean like, I don't
have a problem with it but some people do. Does he have to wipe
his hands on his pants? - [Man] Is that a straight guy thing? - Yeah, as straight as the 40 yard line. - [Man] He's doing rap arms
but he's not even rapping. - Oh I bet he freestyles though. He's scratching the
back of his head a lot. - [Man] He looks like maybe he's hurt. - That's so straight,
man I've always wanted like a super straight friend, you know? - I mean it's pretty fun, he
smells like shit all the time. - What about me? - He's pretending the drum
set's right in front of him. Classic straight guy move. - He's rocking out. (rock music) - Ah! - Whoa, nice sunglasses. - Got 'em at a gas station. - Cool! - You got a lighter? - No. - Fuck! - Whoa, he's as straight as a
long piece of dried spaghetti. (knocks) - Zac, I didn't know your
friend John was straight. - Okay how can you tell he's straight? - He's got that straight voice. - It's like a not gay James Dean. - James Dean was gay? - Yeah.
- Really? - Big time gay. - Really? - I don't know. (knocks) - Your stud's here if you
want to hang something. - [All] Thank you! - I'm straight too, you know? I just don't feel like flaunting it. - Okay Raph, that's coming
on a little bit too strong. See he's just straight,
straight as a boomerang that doesn't function properly
because it's so straight. - If he puts his hands down his pants. (cheers) - Oh yeah! I bet he's the type to really
take charge in the bedroom. - I really want him to tell me how to look, dress, think, and feel. - He's a jerk! - I know. - He's checking out the TV. He's checking out the TV! - Panasonic? - Yeah, it's a Panasonic. - Okay.
- Okay, okay what? Is that good, bad, Panasonic what? - Yo, chill out man. - You got a lighter? - You already asked me that. Look, you're straight okay? We all know that, there was never a doubt in our minds you are straight. You don't have to shove it in
our faces all the time, okay? It's too much. That's not even straight! That's gay as hell! What are you doing? (cheers) - Hockey! - Yo, if I could get real for a sec. I know a lot of people don't accept me because I'm so straight. But you know what? I may know how to fix a
light switch but I ain't one. I can't turn off my
straightness, you know? I'm straight. I'm straight. Love it or leave it, you know? If you'll excuse me I gotta go
sharpen my knife collection. (screams) - I would like to talk about a very talented individual
known as Avery Monsen. A sketch he was in
recently from our series The Shining, Ghosts Get
Caught Having Weird Sex. It was so funny to me. This was a sketch that Zac Oyama wrote about that one particular
quick scene in The Shining where we very briefly
glimpse a man in a tuxedo getting a blow job from
a guy in a bear suit and then everything just moves on and Zac just extended that scene. Just imagined like well, it's embarrassing to get walked in like that. What if we saw their perspective? So please enjoy, Ghosts Get
Caught Having Weird Sex. - [Man] Katie! Katie! Katie! Katie! Katie! (dramatic music) - Well, this is embarrassing. - I thought I closed that. - Yeah, well you didn't Frank. The door's wide fucking open. - Yeah, I know that now! - I said I was gonna put on
something more comfortable, close the door and sit on the bed. - She probably didn't even see anything. She was probably just like, whoa that's something weird and then kept going 'cause there's a lot of weird stuff happening right now. - I can't see shit in this mask. - Okay, well she's gone now. So, where were we? - Here's Johnny, oh my God! Oh my God, I'm so sorry. - Come on!
- I'm so sorry. What are you doing? - Will you just go please? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Leave! Should I close this? - Get out of here! - Okay, sorry again, sorry. Katie, Katie! - Well, this is just mortifying. - Come on, it's not that bad. - For you maybe, I'm the
freak in the bear suit. You're just the big man getting his dick sucked through a mask. - Honey, you can't
think about it like that besides isn't it kind
of fun somebody saw us? - Oh God, it's just experiment after experiment with you, isn't it? - Okay fine, whatever. Jesus I spent 500 bucks
on this hotel room. - Like it matters to
you, you come from money. Why do we always end
up arguing about money? - Fine, I'll drop it. I don't know why you're so upset anyway everyone can see me, no
one knows who you are. - No one even knows who I am? So, I'm just another faceless bear to you. It doesn't matter what's under the mask as long as you get to fuck it. - God, I didn't say that, come on. I just said nobody knows
your face or your name. - Well I have a name. (soft music) It's Carter Ryan Prichard
and I was born in Seattle and I was raised in New Hampshire. My mother was a professional dancer and my dad worked at a soap factory. - What? - I hate jazz and I've always
wanted a summer in Tuscany. I've been on two boats
and I can't read or write. I am Carter Ryan Prichard
and I am a proud bear man. - As well you should be. My name's Franklin Joseph Baker and my whole deal is I just
want a bear to suck my dick. (cries) - Okay, okay. Let's make that happen for ya. - Would you look at that? The door opened all by itself. - My favorite guest star in a College Humor sketch
is Jacob Wysocki, easily. He played Brad, Katie's boyfriend in Every Hospital Scene Ever. Katie wrote this sketch
that was sort of like, people with serious
injuries in the hospital just ripping out their IVs
like they do in the movies. There were a few times
where I was doubled over by the monitor trying
to hold in my laughter and not ruin the take. That guy has so much energy it's nuts. There's a lot of prop work but also just a lot of weird
stuff that wasn't in the script that just kind of came to life. All these ingredients, plus Jacob, just made for a wild
two and a half minutes and I just ended up
really loving this sketch. So, please enjoy Every
Hospital Scene Ever. - [Woman] Katie? Katie? (soft music) - Where am I? - You were in a car accident. - Oh God, no! Brad!
- No. Please leave these on. - Where the hell is he I
need to find him, Brad! - No, no, no, don't take these out. - Get these out of me. How could this happen? - You were hit by a minivan
going down the highway on the wrong side of the road. - Oh God why, why? - You have three broken
ribs, a broken leg, severe cuts and bruising,
light head trauma, but we'll believe you'll
make a full recovery. - God, get these the hell off me. - Katie, these are important. - Brad! - Katie!
- Brad, can you hear me? - Katie, can you hear me? We gotta get out of here. They're trying to get us, I think they think we're aliens. They put a bunch of tubes in us. Get these tubes off of me! - You gotta leave that in.
- I'm of this world. - We're human! - Don't put your tubes
in me I don't want this. - We're not prisoners! - Honey, you're pushing. - Katie I've got bad news.
- What? - I totaled the minivan, I'm so sorry. - Oh God.
- It's gone, it's dust. - Babe as long as you're
okay I don't care. - Oh no, no, no, we do
not chew on the IV tube. - What are you guys pumping us with? - They're probably
putting mind juice in us. What kind of juice is this, some kind of government mind control, huh? - Morphine. - Who are you working with, the FBI? - CIA?
- Putin? - Are you Putin? - I'm not Putin. - Are you Putin? - Keiser.
- Huh? - Keiser. (screams) - Get this off of me. I need this off of me. - Stop putting them back on, man! I want to be a part of you. - Please don't make it sexual. - [Katie] Take this one. - I want to be inside of you. Can you feel it? Baby look at me in the eyes. - What?
- We're not going back to jail. - We'll make this a run,
we'll jump out the window. - We're on the ninth floor. - Get back, we're jumping. (grunts) Push it! - Yeah. - We gotta get out of here. - We gotta run like wolves. (screams) - I freed you. - [Brad] Thank you baby. - Get that away from us. We're getting out. - Come on we gotta get out of here. Come on baby. Stay back, we're getting out of here. We're gonna go get on the hog. Let's get out of here baby. (grunts) - I'm not going back to jail. - You leave him alone, you witch doctor! - [Katie] Leave him alone! - Leave him alone! - My favorite guest star was Ryan Stanger. This was my very first video it was called Music Festival Boot Camp. There was a scene in the sketch where I sit on a toilet in the middle of the park and Ryan is screaming
obscenities in my face and this was my welcome to College Humor which I wouldn't have it any other way. - Move, move, move, move! Bring your heads up! That's your girlfriend's favorite band! She's gonna be on those shoulders for no less than 30 minutes and you know she's gonna wanna dance. You just got dumped! (upbeat music) (hawk cries) This water is $7 is that a problem? - [Group] Sir no, sir! - It's only 16.9 fluid
ounces, do you care? - [Group] Sir, no sir! (upbeat music) - Say hello to your new squad leader. - [Group] Sir yes, sir. - You have a problem
with that Jerry Garcia? - Sir, no sir. - Then say hello! - Hello new squad leader! - Shit, I didn't know I was
teaching fucking manners too. Ready, set. (whistle blows) (upbeat music) You got to be God damn kidding me. Are you above getting covered
in other people's sweat? - Sir, no sir. - Then get back in there and
do five more times, scumbag! - Sir, yes sir. - Move! And go! (upbeat music) And time. Jesus Christ, are you
even making an attempt to hide your Kirkland Signature Vodka? - Sir, yes sir! - 'Cause if we were in Coachella right now you'd be in deep shit motherfucker! - Sir, yes sir! - Andrea Bocelli could spot those flasks from a mile away and guess what? The only thing he's known
for more than his singing is being blind you fucking idiot. - Sir, yes sir. (hawk cries) (upbeat music) - You have five bands
until Lana Del Rey goes on. Do you love this music? - [Group] Sir, yes sir! - Are you sure it's not
just a bunch of loud noises? - [Group] Sir, no sir! - Keep moving! They just decided to play
Creep, that never happens! - [Man] Sir, absurdity sir! - [Sergeant] Shut the
fuck up grateful dork! - [Man] Sir, yes sir! - Get your shit sorted out now God dammit! - Sir, yes sir. - Yeah keister those motherfuckers. Shove 'em up your little ass maybe that'll make your voice drop. - Sir, yes sir, yes sir. - Right now you sound
like a chipmunk, don't ya? - Sir, yes sir. - You sure you don't love this music? - [Group] Sir, yes sir. - The answer is no you dumb motherfuckers because in fact you do love this music. - [Group] Sir, yes sir. - Yes, that's right you
gutless motherfuckers. (upbeat music) (sings) ♪ Like to see them spread eagle ♪ ♪ Soundcheck ♪ ♪ Check, check ♪ - Which chipmunk would you be? - I'd be Alvin, sir. - Bullshit you'd be Alvin! - Sir, I'd be Theodore sir. - Theodore, that's right. Well if you're Theodore,
I'm Dave motherfucker! - Please don't make me
do it, it's so dirty! - You must be crumb dumb shithead. You think the toilet at
Lollapalooza is gonna be clean? - Sir, no sir! - I was at Woodstock in '94
and I got shit all over my ass. You think I whined about it? - Sir, no sir. - You just bought the rest
of the squad 20 roof raises. Everybody arms up, arms up. Up, down, up, down. - Sir, okay sir. - Sir, okay sir. We're learning shit today
you stinky piles of garbage. - [Group] Sir-- - Shit for brains. - Yes sir, sorry sir. (blabbers) - Now you're making some music. - Yeah, sir. - You ain't got no more TP. - Sir, yes sir. - You're all out of TP. - Sir, yes sir. - I hear those chicken shit turds hitting the water right now as we speak. (grunts) You're gonna have to use the cardboard. You know what I'm talking about, you gotta use that Goddamn cardboard. - Sir, yes sir! - That's that! (cries) (scoffs) - I don't want to go anymore. (upbeat music) - Are you guys having fun? - [Group] Sir, yes sir! - I can't hear you I said, are you pieces of shit having fun? - [Group] Sir, yes sir! - Then fucking dance! (cheers) - Thank you. - Hey guys, it's Brennan
from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff and please keep watching
because if you stop watching I start to vanish, you get it? I'm not really real, I'm
just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me!
