(driving techno beat) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Written and directed by Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Made by animators who
voluntarily left their families ♪ ♪ And refused payment for
the glory of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ - Your show is the most popular show. Everybody loves it. There is only one thing wrong, oh glorious stallion of liberty. (whoosh) The internet continues
to spread lies about you, Supreme Leader. They are jealous of your power and good looks and dancing abilities. (driving techno beat) (transformation zings) (engines roar) - [Crowd] Spontaneous cheering! - We need to make the
wall higher, Bruce Willis. People are still trying
to escape to North Korea. Look, our most handsomest enemy. Stop him! (zing) - I'm sorry, Obama, I can't. He's too magnificent. - Right. Also he's probably bulletproof. - He is! It's true. (driving techno music) - Oh great irony! I make fun of Kim Jong Un's body while I am the morbidly obese one. Top doctors say his weight is ideal for his height and build! (crash) Ahh! I defecate myself in fear. (lightsaber humming) Ah, you fight with the strength of one with many real friends who
always laugh at your jokes. His moonwalking is too good! Such a talented dancer! (slash) Thank you. - American actress Veronica Mars! - The internet was holding me prisoner. You saved me, Kim Jong Un,
and my lady squirrel friend. - We're both your girlfriends
now and want to kiss you. - Without anybody telling us to. - (echoing) I love you, son. - Blow up! (explosion) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (upbeat rock music) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Real things that really
happen to Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ The penalty for questioning
this program's accuracy ♪ ♪ Is death by scorpions so
enjoy your mandatory viewing ♪ ♪ Of the Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ - Missile test will
commence in three, two, one (explosion) - The North Korean missiles
are the best missiles. There is only one problem, oh most glorious centaur of virility. (whoosh) The rest of the world doesn't believe it. We blame your old enemy, western media. (driving techno beat) (power zinging) (awesome guitar solo) - Today's top story, Kim
Jong Un's juggling skills do not impress women. (laughs) - I don't know how much longer I can print these filthy lies. (crash) - [Both] Our liberator has arrived! - Ah, Law Goblin, attack! (power zinging) - He's too strong! Retreat to the comment section. (crashing blows) - It's Avenger man, Robert Downey Jr. He's Kim Jong Un's best friend. - Uh, duh. - KJ, my man, I brought you
your own Iron Man armor. (transformation zings) You need more power! Take this, my ally. (video game leveling up sounds) - Please, be merciful. I was just jealous. His juggling so magnificent! - Those lessons weren't
a waste of time at all. (explosion) - Print journalism is dying, dying, dead. (8-bit music) - I actually brought you one more thing. It's from your dad. (crunch) Blow up! ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (rap beat) ♪ All the ladies love KJ ♪ ♪ His flow so fine ♪ ♪ Missing his show would be a crime ♪ ♪ Missing his show would be a crime ♪ ♪ The punishment is castration by donkey ♪ ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ - Today's episode, Wedlock
Ceremony Crisis Hour Gooooo! Finally, the two most perfect human beings will be joined in matrimony. - Oh, Kim Jong Un, nothing
could make me happier then marrying you of my own free will! - If there are any objections
to these two being wed, speak now and face immediate execution. - [Brad Pitt] We object. - Bradley Pitt George S. Clooney Ryan Gosling Reynolds - I don't care how handsome
and well-endowed you are, Kim Jong Un, Bi Jo Soo will be our bride! - But, but, but there are three
of you and only one of her. - (laughs) In degenerate America, she can marry all three of us. - And this baby goat, which is also gay! - Attack! (driving techno beat) He fights with the beauty of a cherry tree blossoming in winter, but not well enough. Laser! - [Americans] No! - You fools, you're attack
has weakened the barrier wall. All the women who desire Kim Jong Un for themselves are no longer restrained. - [Women] If we can't have
Kim Jong Un, nobody can! - [Voiceover] Kim Jong
Un suddenly remembered he was the orphan son
of a dying alien race and his mere presence on this planet gave him the super ability
to fly at great speeds. - Ah, our deaths are the inevitable result of capitalist excess! - I'm, I'm dying, Kim Jong Un. Please, so that we may be together, transfer my spirit into a robot that looks exactly like Anne Hathaway. (massive laser zooming) My love, I'm alive. Let us go play StarCraft,
which I now agree is a worthwhile and masculine pursuit. (explosion) (loud chewing) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (upbeat rock music) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ No theme song is ever good enough ♪ ♪ For Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Many singers have died at the hands of ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ - [Man] Oh, God, he's coming. Please come help me,
they're holding me (gasps) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong ♪
(gunshot) (body thumps) - Today's episode, A
Great Deceit Revealed, And Many Wrongs Righted,
or Psy-onora Suckers! (upbeat techno beat) - I love Gangnam Style! - Psy's moves are so freshy swag, and certainly not stolen
from any world leader/ noted gentleman adventurer. - That's incorrect, Jong Un. - It's Kim Jong Un's handsome-copter. The number one ace gift for
all of true Korea's children. - Kim Jong Un, this ends now! (power zings)
Ah! - Now is the time for
explaining the origin of Kim Jong Un's righteous fury. Many years ago, Psy was
a student of Kim Jong Un, learning the ways of dance
and appealing pudginess. Psy could not stand
that Un would always be the better dancer and go kart driver. So one night, he snuck
into his master's quarters, stole the sacred funk
dragon, and used its power for personal gain and glory. - Ah! (evil laughter) You can beat me in combat, Un, but can you beat me in dance? (upbeat techno) - Such beauty. - If I watch their dancing any longer, my eyes will surely melt
out of their sockets! - I don't care! - Me neither! - The sheer power of their dance is tearing the universe apart. - I'll destroy all of existence before I bow to you, Kim Jong Un! (transformation zings) The Five Member Explosive
Pulse Sensation Technique! I thought it was just a myth! (music builds) (powers down) - Not only did you defeat Psy, you saved the community center and brought these orphan's
parents back to life! - [Crowd] Kim Jong Un! Kim Jong Un! Kim Jong Un!
(epic guitar solo) (exploding) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (upbeat rock music) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (driving techno beat) - [Announcer] And Kim Jong Un wins the Korea-ball
Championship once again! Truly he's the best of this
sport invented in Korea then stolen by craven,
uncreative westerners. (whirring) - Kim Jong Un! I, Yao Ming, and also these aliens, challenge you to a ball game, except I'll bring great
shame to all of true Korea! Assemble your best players,
and let the game begin! - [Narrator] Kim Jong Un, as
shown in earlier episodes, can split into four equally
powerful Kim Jong Uns. This is now canon. - And impressive trick, but
you are still one player short. - [Denzel] How about me? - Oh my goodness, Denzel Rodman, award-winning actor and Korea-ball player. - Man, Kim Jong Un and I have been on so many
crazy adventures together, I just had to help a brother out. - So I guess there's no spot
for me on the team then, huh? (gunshot) - All right, buddy, let's do this! - [Narrator] Kim Jong Un
judged the animator's depiction of his Korea-ball skills unsatisfactory. Their deaths were swift and voluntary. He decided, in his infinite wisdom, to animate the sequence himself. - Let's get ready to rumble! (ding) (Rodman sings Let's Get Ready to Rumble) (spring bounces) (explosion)
(raspberry) - Kim Jong Un! Kim Jong Un! - This isn't over, Kim Jong Un. Alien allies, to me! (zing!) Rawr! - Yo, Kim Jong Un, onto my shoulders! Just as your father
would have carried you, was he not so busy with
important state matters. - This ball is charged with
my undying affection for you! (slow motion roaring) - I searched both China and America, but the true Korea-ball
master was here all along. (explosion) - You win! That was one crazy adventure, huh? How about some ice cream? (two silenced gunshots) ♪ Another adventure has reached it's end ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un is my best friend ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un is my best friend ♪ ♪ Oh God, please rescue
me, somebody please. ♪ (wild rock music) ♪ The Adventures of Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Written and directed by Kim Jong-- ♪ - [Narrator] Tonight the
Adventures of Kim Jong Un has been canceled. Please enjoy this episode of
Typical American High School. ♪ Typical American high school ♪ ♪ Filled with heteronormative teens ♪ ♪ All kissing in a thousand corduroys ♪ ♪ Trying to figure out what it all means ♪ ♪ Typical American high school. ♪ - So then I realized this is the only line I have in this episode. - Everyone, look. It's moody cool new kid, KJ1. He is such a dream boat. - I heard he had to leave his own school because when he asked
a girl to prom dance, every other female
student threw themselves in front of the trains! He now must wear that dampening belt to keep his charisma levels
below 500 at all times. - I don't think he's that awesome. My jacket of letters has five letters. How many does his possess? Not as many I am sure. Ah! That's it, KJ1, I challenge
you to a racing car race! Meet me at the corner of
Street and Avenue tonight. Then we will see who is top banana. Only a grave disappointment
to their father would not show up. Ha ha ha ha! KJ will not show up. Nothing can beat my Vin Diesel 7. (thunderous footsteps) (cheering) - Three, two, one! Race time go! - You'll never beat me! I have made sure of that. - [Both] Save us, KJ1. - There's no way he can rescue them and win the race, unless... (leveling up sounds) - Our eyes are stuck this way now! (rock music) - (laughs) I won, I-- (crash) - KJ1, will you take us all to prom dance so our lives can continue unabated? (alternative rock song) I'm so happy with sexy,
fun, American teens who don't run major nation-states. - Oh, the pressures of that
job would truly be miserable. (splashes) (explosion) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (upbeat rock music) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ - Today's episode, Greatest Leader Nurtures
His Nations Future, or Nuke Kids on the Block. What a fine school. Your graduation to execution
rate is outstanding. - Thank you, Metal Minister. We are all so proud. It will soon be destroyed to make way for a giant statue of Kim Jong Un. - What, what, what, what? On whose authority? - Kim Jong Un's! - Then it is a righteous
and true decision. The school must be destroyed. Unless Paul Griffin of
gentility, the United Nations holds their annual
nuclear weapons contest. Top prize is enough money to
build the best statue ever. Also the school can stay, probably. All of us know that you love peace, but will you build a nuclear weapon if it means helping these children? - Can we please help, Mr. Un? Can we? ♪ Building a nuke to help his kids ♪ ♪ 'Cause Kim Jong Un is
the greatest there is ♪ ♪ This bomb's going to be
the metaphorical bomb ♪ ♪ Also the best literal bomb ♪ - Kim Jong Un is building a bomb. He must be stopped! - I agree, Bruce Willis. Only America and their
friends must have bombs. There is fair and makes sense. - Also, I hate helping children. - Yes, also that. ♪ We've got kilotons of fun ♪ ♪ The bomb's almost done ♪ ♪ Let's execute the scientists ♪ ♪ And we'll be number one ♪ (gunshots) - Our bomb will win. It is extremely powerful, and 10 times the size of
a typical American penis. (crashing chord) - Oh, ha, ha. Oh, that is rich. I cannot believe that you were serious. What a typically futile American effort. Paul will now see that true
Korea has built the best bomb. (moos) What nefariousness has transpired here? (laughter) - The Koreans are so dumb. They must have mistaken that animal for a thermonuclear weapon. (laughs) - Let this be a lesson
to you, Kim Jong Un. Your one puny bomb was no match
for our American brainmight. - Oh shit, we've only built one. - The world will thank us for freeing them from your imperialism. (explosion)
(screaming) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ The Adventures of-- ♪ - [Announcer] Okay, now
is time for weekly summary of President Putin's exploits
for children of nation. Monday Putin tames six black bear. Tuesday Putin restores sight to blind man. Wednesday Putin discovers
blind man is deviant. He feed to tame bears. - Sir, I am so sorry. They hacked our signal. We will execute all children whose minds have been polluted by this filth A.S.A.P. We have tracked the
intrusive signal to Moscow. (power zings) - Again? I already punched meteor back into space. Kim Jong Un, most virile world leader. What is meaning of this? You impugn my highly-rated, critically-acclaimed children's program? Then fight is inevitable. Superbowl Ring Punch! Also Bear! Oh, his smooth chest glows like
precious gem in winter sun! Too bad I must destroy. (yelling) - Stop! It was a ruse. Putin did not hack into your broadcast. But sadly, my simple robomind
cannot figure out who did. - Un, you are not just leader. Also, world's greatest playboy detective. Can you solve mystery? (Middle Eastern music) - Sorry Assad, but we
need your chemical weapons for our collection, so hand 'em over. - You won't get away with this. My friend Vladimir will protect me! - Will he? Or is he too busy fighting Kim Jong Un because someone broadcast
his show over Un's. - [Putin] Not a chance! But how? I thought-- - You could trick us into fighting? Please. Kim Jong Un is too smart
and unpimply for that. - Hm, how ironic you preach liberty but would deprive a leader
of the ultimate freedom, to do whatever he wants to his people. - But I, you see, health care-- (rock music) (gunshot) - Yippee yo ki yay, the
good and noble succeed. - But, but my, my chemical weapons. - You are better without them. Here, take Un's loyalty manual. It will teach you efficient, result-oriented execution techniques. - Kim Jong Un, I know
your charisma and comfort in crowded room has blessed
you with many friend, but I would be proud to join their number. (Russian music) (explosion)
♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ - Today's episode, Mortal
Desires Run Ruinous, or Christ-Must Be Stopped! - I am special! Give me Xboxes and endless
positive reinforcement! - Oh glorious leader, as true Korea's handsomest
medicine doctor, can you tell us why our child has turned ugly and self-indulgent? - I am sorry to say, but he tests positive
for western decadence. - (gasps) But how? We were so careful. - Hm, wait, what is the date today? - It is, of course, Kim Jong
Un Is Great at Handstands Day. - All know that on this day,
Kim Jong Un held a handstand for a world record of almost five seconds. - So by the corrupt
western calendar it is, gasp, December 24. You don't think? - (evil distorted voice) Ho, ho, ho. - Trying to corrupt the
youth of true Korea again, Lord Satan Claus? - Thanks to me, the world's children are all spoiled and ungrateful. True Korea will be no exception. Rudolph Lundgren, take them! (laser humming) - With pleasure, master. (lightsabers crackling) - Please, spare me. I know that there's one
gift you've always wanted that the great Kim Jong
Il will never get for you. Disney McMouse ears. (ethereal Korean music)
(child's laughter) - Nice try, but Kim Jong
Un has long since purged such childish weakness
from his noble frame. (lightsaber crackles)
- Aaah! Satan Claus is still coming to town. (rockets firing) (explosion) - Oh no, if these presents
reach the children, they will be ruined. They will want careers in the arts and protein in their diet. (festive music) Huzzah! A very merry Kim Jong Un Is
Great at Handstands Day to all! And to all a good night. - And that is how, as midnight passed, that it because Kim Jong Un Is Also Pretty Good at Somersaults Day. Our glorious leader saved us from materialism and needless desire. - [Robotic Voice] Curfew violation! Curfew violation! Violators must be punished! - Truly, this is for our own good. (ethereal Korean music) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ Today's episode, Doubt
From Within Weakens Us All, or The True Story of Minister
Stupid Hat Rectum Face. (video game music) - Kim Jong Un! Stop playing Pokemon. You must be doing boring leader things with no discernible purpose. - But Minister Ugly-Teeth-Feces-Breath, top scientists say electrosports sharpen glorious leader's
brilliant strategic mind. - We do. Also, we find his cake intake
to be normal and healthy. - And yet I still think these games childish frizzle-frazzle. This is the first clue to my incompetence. Your endless hours spent playing Pokemon will never help true Korea. (thunderous explosions) What is that? Certainly nothing
ironically proving me wrong. - (laughs) Kim Jong Un! I, King Cyber Nerd, am tired of losing online Pokemon battles to you, so I have brought the
fight into the real world! - Ah, my cowardice is revealed! - (bang) This is truly the fate Minister Limp-Penis-Bad-At-His-Job
deserves. I was wrong to take your Pokemon game. Now go, save your country. Augh! (rock music) - Kim Jong Un chooses
Bulbasaur in patriotic spirit. - True Korea is only Korea. (crash) - (laughs) I have defeated
Kim Jong Un's Pokemon. Now as holy law dictates, I
am the leader of true Korea. - (laughs) So you might think, but by confronting Kim
Jong Un in the real world, you have made one crucial mistake. - Oh, really? And what would that be? - You have allowed Kim
Jong Un to enter the game. - Just like my paintings. - Kim Jong Chu, powerblast! (explosion) What is that? You wish to stay in your Pokemon form for the nation's safety? It is done. Those who find it odd
will be fed to the poor of other nations since there
is no poverty in true Korea. Or cannibalism. ♪ I want to be like Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Where there ever was ♪ (explosion)
♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ (epic fanfare) - Jennifer Huntress, which
cute boy will you kiss? Me, Thor Jr.? - Or me, half formed fetal pig? - My answer is neither. Another's arrow has pierced my heart. (arrows thunking) - And now he has pierced ours. - He's like Legolas
with better cheekbones. - Kim Jong Un, how are you
so skilled at the Hunger-- - [Censor] Does not exist.
- Games? - I will explain with a
relevant and truthful flashback. As a boy, Kim Jong Un entered the annual true Korea battle royale. Even as Kim Jong Il's son, the
only advantage Un was given was a canteen of water, three
matches, and a submachine gun. (gun firing) Also, the other competitors
were tied to trees. He won 17 times. - That story has done the impossible, made you more attractive to me. Let us make furious love this instant. - No! A Kim Jong Un J Law power
couple would too powerful. Internet nerds, attack! - [Both] She love us, not you! - Quick, take my golden acting man. You deserve it more anyway. (power zings) - I am so sorry. I was just jealous. After People Magazine
called you Kim Jong Swoon. (rock music) (Snow screams) - I saved myself for you. (80's action movie music) But still I know you
kiss better than all men. I look like a sexy X person sometimes. I hope that is okay. Now let us go for a lover's jog. Truly, you have found the
Silver-Lined Playbook to my heart. (gentle music) (mournful flute music) - It is late, sir. Do you require a sleeping cake? - (robotic voice) Kim Jong Un, my son. ♪ Kim Jong ♪ - [Narrator] Il. - It is true, I was dead. But then robot stuff
happened and now here I am. I, your father, have returned. Pah! Weak and emotional as always. Disgusting! Now show me my kingdom. It's worse than I expected. You have completed none of my plans. Great Satan America and false
Korea remain unconquered. Infant plastic surgery
is far from universal. Australia still stands in the
way of my memorial centaur. Squirrels continue to secretly mock us. I know they do, don't deny it. There is only one clear course of action. Kim Jong Un must die. - But sir, consider his accomplishments. His celebrity friends, his discovery of the female super-orgasm. - Meaningless. When it comes to Kim Jongs,
there can only be one. - A Highlander quote, hm. An inferior western
film that failed to meet Kim Jong Il's cinematic standards. He would never reference it. - (gravelly voice) Impostor! - You can speak, weird. This cyborg was being controlled remotely. I will hack it's mainframe
and discover from where. Yes, hm, hacking, hacking,
continuing to hack. Aha! I have located the signal. Shall we follow it to it's source? (epic horns) ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ - Kim Jong Un, my son. Australia still stands in the
way of my memorial centaur! Kim Jong Un must die. ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ - Whoever was controlling
the cyborg is here, McMouseland Tokyo. If we are to remain undetected,
we must try to blend in. - Donald Mallard, Gopher. Wait, Donald doesn't have a penis. Oh, Kim Jong Un. I should have known! - Another robot, with numbers for eyes. Peculiar. (explosion) - Ah, you're awake. Welcome, brother. - Kim Jong Nam! - Yes, it is me, the forgotten
eldest son of Kim Jong Il. I was heir to the throne until I was caught sneaking
into Tokyo Disneyland. After my exile, I conquered this place and made it my kingdom. After our father died,
I ordered my Imagineers to make him a cyborg to
hunt out and destroy you! It would have been a fitting end, but now I must kill you myself! (crash) (laughs) You can't hurt me. I spent the past decade
absorbing all of western culture! (rock music) Look at you. Deep down you don't even want to win. You want to live in a world
that has melted cheese, internet deviants, and allows
women to speak after dark! Give me control of true
Korea, and you may live here, sipping water beers and
watching fairy tunes. - The Orb of Leadership! No, you can't! - (laughs) But he can! And now I am, wait, what's happening? - The pressures of leadership, responsibility for the world's richest and healthiest country. - It is working. Brilliant plan, sir. - How do you deal with this each day? (mournful flute music) - Hip, hip, hoorah. The pressures and
responsibilities of leadership are once again yours. All is well. Now, come, let us burn this
park, bleach the earth, and construct a monument to your father. It's not Australia, but it's a start. ♪ Kim Jong Un ♪ ♪ Kim Jong ♪ (ominous chord) (beep) - [Narrator] On 8 p.m. on
True Korea Only Channel, it's Rodman and Un, crime haters. One is a handsome ladies' man and the other overstates
his fame to friends. - I deserve this. - [Narrator] Then at nine
it's Rodman and Un again but this time they fight vampires. - Don't worry, they can
only hurt those who lie about being the world's most
famous basketball player. - [Narrator] It's a living nightmare. Then at 9:37 it's Rodman and
Un, Handsome Suit Lawyers. - Stop, my brilliant partner's evidence will free that sexy lady! Meanwhile, I turned myself
in for being a bad friend. Truly, the greatest crime of all. - [Narrator] Then at
10:19 it's the same show, but we learned the
lawyers are also doctors. - Quickly, doctor, her heart has broken because a true friend made
a commercial mocking her. - Pistachios. (kissing) - She is better, but she will
never forgive the friend. - Nor should she. - [Narrator] Then,
streaming on true Korea's robust world-class internet, it's Friends. Kim Jong Un imported the finest
Jews to create witty banter. - Kim Jong Un, how you going to date two sexy ladies at the same time? - [Narrator] He then fed
the Jews to pit worms, and wrote it himself. - Also, I am a worthless betrayer who can not actually introduce
you to Macaulay Culkin. - [Narrator] Buy the entire
Rodman and Un collection on Betamax and receive the bonus movie, actual footage of a false
friend being tortured. - Okay, okay, look,
(Un yelling in Korean) In some circles I am
more famous than Jordan. (punching and yelling)
