Marisol

[Music] all right marisol yeah marisol where are you from where'd you grow up version um i was born in waukegan illinois but i was raised in north chicago so northern suburbs of chicago yes and so tell me how you grew up you had both your parents when you were a kid uh yeah um but my mom and dad didn't have the best relationship so they separated when i was eight and um i am one of seven siblings i'm number six and they my siblings were pretty pretty sad about the fact that my mom wasn't around but i was actually uh i was actually glad she wasn't around because she was like physically abusive to me um i don't think i have one memory of having like a regular childhood where there wasn't any kind of violence she like for example i remember being four years old and i had an accident i peed on myself in my sleep and she came into the room and she's like what's that smell and i remember her picking me up and taking me to the bathroom taking all of my clothes off and turning the cold water and putting me in the tub and while the cold water was hitting my body she was spanking me and she was saying she was speaking at the moment but i i couldn't hear her over the cold just rushing through my body and and the pain that my body was feeling from her hitting me or another moment where my grandmother used to watch us when were kids when my parents used to go to work and i remember being like five or six and i was playing with the neighborhood uh children and my grandmother must have said something to my mom maybe i did something wrong that day who knows i don't remember but she came out of nowhere with a tree branch and i just instantly felt like a burn on the side of my body and i looked up and it was her and she was like yelling what did i tell you and i had no clue what she was talking about and she just continued to beat me from one side of the street to the other and all of the kids were watching and i just felt so embarrassed so the abuse was for you or for all your siblings uh it was mostly just me and my older sister i never seen her uh use any kind of like violence towards my brothers at all it was just me and my older sister yeah she would beat us with like a wire hanger um an extension cord you name it whatever she could reach for um so when she left i i was relieved you know i was like maybe i'll get some sort of some sort of peace you know maybe maybe today i don't have to worry about because she would even beat me if i lost my socks and you know i would be terrified every day like making sure that i keep my socks together and when she left i was like eight years old and i thought that that was gonna be the worst of it but i was wrong uh so when um when she left uh my my dad took care of all seven of us and uh he had to obviously work full time every day to take care of seven children and he would come home exhausted and he would still cook for us and and and clean the house you know and i know he must have been beyond distracted my my dad is like i have so much respect for that man he's amazing um but sadly because he wasn't present even if he was there physically i don't think he was there mentally because my mom was the love of his life and he was he was depressed for a while there so i think he was just in his own little world for for a little while um but anyhow but then uh a few months after my mom left i started getting sexually abused by my two oldest siblings and my two oldest brothers and my older sister and um i'm eight years old so i don't i don't know what's going on you know i didn't and then my parents never talked to me about like if anyone touches you here is not a good thing or protect yourself in this way um [Music] they so anyhow uh my so i started getting abused by my older sister first and and it became like it felt very uncomfortable for me at first and and then it was just happening so often that i just i it was like an out of body experience like i would drift away whenever it was happening and then when i would stop i would come back and and it would be as nothing has ever happened and then um and then my two oldest brothers started doing it and that was really intense for me i had no privacy because it would happen everywhere i could be taking a shower and you know i i have a memory of being like nine and being in the shower and being picked up and put on on the sink and then proceeding to do things to me and uh but it's crazy your mind has a weird way of protecting you from your trauma um i would do things without even thinking that i was protecting myself like when it started happening i slowly like would shower less i would dress in really baggy clothes because i didn't want i guess in my mind if i didn't look attractive um i would be left alone um i remember uh being i remember always telling i have a younger sister and i would wake her up we would share a room and i would wake her up in the middle of the night so she can go with me to the bathroom and i always thought like you know maybe i'm just i don't know afraid of the dark you know and there would be days where she would be too upset because who wants to get up in the middle of the night you know and um i would be like can can you go with me and she would be too upset so i would i would say okay and i would watch her go back to sleep and i would be sitting there um in the middle of my room looking around and hearing just pure silence and and then next you know i would just be peeing myself because i was too afraid to go to the bathroom um my siblings room was next to the bathroom and i knew that if i would go i could disappear for a little while and um ah thank you um and so i went on until i was 16 so it happened for eight years literally every single day i didn't have i didn't have not one day to breathe i guess and um and they're and again like you do things without knowing you're doing them you know like i i struggled with um the smallest things like i i'm super afraid of the dark you know i need to have some sort of light somewhere uh or for me being an accomplishment is being able to sleep alone you know i i couldn't sleep alone for for a very very long time or even sleep on the outside of the bed you know because uh i uh i would we had bunk beds my little sister and i and she would sleep on the top bunk and i would beg her all the time please sleep with me and i would sleep in between the wall and her because if she was behind me they wouldn't mess with me but the if i was on the outside of the bed um there would be days where i would wake up and i'm on someone's shoulder and i'll just look back at my sister and she's sleeping and then i'll just but but it's weird how how i could go into my siblings room and and they would do horrific things and i would come out of the room as if nothing ever happened like your mind is it's a crazy thing the way it protects you uh um and then uh because i was going through so much at home i began to become a really angry person you know hurt people hurt people that's i i feel like that is so true uh i went to uh you know in school and plus we weren't living in the best of areas you know we didn't we didn't have much we struggled a lot like we were living off one income which is my dad's bless his heart and there would be moments where we didn't have electricity for a little while or during the summer we didn't have gas and we would have to boil water to take a shower or seeing rats or roaches as a normal thing you know like people would be like oh there's they will freak out off of a rat or a roach and i'll just like oh it's whatever to me you know i was so used to it and um and we didn't like i said we grew up with close to nothing you know we lived in like two bedroom apartments and it's eight of us or um have to share like really tiny rooms um and we were always moving around we never had a steady place and uh so we're dealing with all of that at home whenever i would go to school i was just really an angry kid and i was that kid that was always in like the dean's office for fighting every week i was i was violent i was just angry you can look at me in any weird way and i was already down your throat you know and um or you could say any disrespectful thing to me and i was already again like just i i chose violence every morning and i think that that was my way of because whenever i was in these fights i was never mad at the person who i was fighting i was always thinking about the things that were happening to me at home and i would just take my anger out on them um and then one day uh i started skipping school a lot i think it was my sophomore year and a teacher asked me what was going on she was just checking in and i was so fed up and so frustrated that i just wanted to be left alone but she kept bothering me and i didn't mean to say it out loud because i swore to myself i'm going to take this secret to the grief like no one is going to know what's happening to me at home because i felt so embarrassed so much shame and disgusted but i i blurted out she's like what's wrong what's wrong because you're crying because of the way that you're crying you have to be crying about something else and and i said i'm being sexually abused at home and she stopped and then i went and then i said i'm lying i'm lying i'm kidding i nothing's happening it was too late by then um she she ended up reporting it to the principal and the principal called the cops and and then a detective was in my class and they took me they took me to the police station and then they started interrogating me and and i remember the guy saying something is happening look at you and i was like what does he mean by that but i remember i was dirty my hair was full of grease my clothes probably smelled because when i was afraid to go to the bathroom and i would pee on myself i would change and um i wouldn't shower in the morning because i would be too afraid to and i would go to school like that and um he started asking me questions like what is going on and and and i said i just but i don't want them to get arrested you know because they were my siblings and i obviously they were all i knew and we didn't have my mom and we were all pretty close and i didn't know the difference back then back then i was just they're my brothers and i love them and i want to protect them and i don't want to i don't want to get them in trouble and and it's not like they were bad bad people to where people can be like yeah they definitely committed that crime you know they were to everyone else they were really good people you know they they helped people whenever they needed help they helped my dad whenever he needed help like they in the daytime they saved me from any other person that would try to disrespect me or they would protect me from harm in the daytime but i would always ask myself well at night who's going to protect me from them and uh so so they were removed from our place from home um my older sister was already out of the picture she got pregnant when she was 16 so she moved out um but they removed my my my uh brothers and uh you say removed the cops took uh they they got arrested for a while and i kind of don't want to like say where they are just that that's fine yeah um so uh but my dad didn't take it very well and my my two other brothers didn't take it very well either they were mad at me my dad when they were going through the investigation process you know my dad was trying to convince me to lie because i mean i i i guess if i put myself in his shoes were both his children right and i can't i mean i don't have children but i can't imagine how it must feel to to see both of your children hurting but it felt like he was supporting them and i wasn't getting any support at all so because i i didn't lie i told him the truth my dad was in my dad and my other siblings stopped talking to me for a while it went on like that for maybe about almost three months where i was pretty much shunned and i'm 16 years old and and i just blurt out the biggest secret of my life and now i don't have anyone and um and i remember being alone sitting in my bunk bed at 16. and just thinking to myself what did you do you just ruined your family now we're not together no one's talking to you you're an idiot and um i began to shame myself i began to blame myself and i saw a bottle of i think they were advils on the dresser and i couldn't swallow pills because um because of my mom like when i was uh when i was like five i ended up getting like a fever or headache or something and she was giving me a pill so i can feel better but i couldn't swallow it and i would say mom i can't swallow this you know and and she's like well i'm going to continue to give you pills until you swallow one so there i was in the kitchen just taking pills until but i couldn't my like i couldn't even swallow one so i kept i kept throwing them out so when i looked at the bottle i grabbed maybe they took out 12 pills out and i crushed them and i just took a bottle of water and down they went and i just remember laying on the bed thinking okay everybody will be better now off now i won't be here anymore and i won't have to deal with any trauma anymore i just want to be at peace and i fell asleep and a few hours later i woke up and nothing you know i was like what the [ __ ] you chose the wrong drug yeah i was like what happened why am i still here um but then i i uh i looked at myself in the mirror and i said i i'll never do that again i said that was that was silly and um and then we are and then we moved and my siblings were gone and i still i was still the like the black sheep of the family uh and because they're my siblings i have to hear about them all the time you know in the beginning when christmas would come around thanksgiving any holiday they would be skyping them facetiming them and in the beginning they would force me to say hi and and i would do it you know i'd say hello i'll pretend like nothing ever happened and then when i leave i feel i just felt so shitty because i felt like everyone else didn't understand the trauma they caused you know i was i was super depressed i i still deal with ptsd and massive anxiety because of it no no apologies from anyone not at all to this day not at all not at all and um and then uh and then i began to um skip school more i was super lost super super lost i uh and even because of because of the trauma i really didn't know what boundaries were you know i i put myself in a lot of situations that now looking back i shouldn't have but because no one taught me boundaries and i was being violated at home a lot of things that a normal person would say hey that's a red flag i'm like i don't i don't i don't see anything you know like like for example um i would hang out with uh this married couple across the street and i was maybe i met them when i was 13 until until i was 16. and they were in their late 20s i believe and they introduced me to weed and i would smoke weed with them every single day and i remember looking down at the husband's leg and he had some little like black thing around his ankle and i'm like what is that i've never seen that before what is that and he and his wife said oh he's on house rest and i'm like okay uh what is he on house arrest for and later on i learned when i got a little older that he was on house arrest for um raping an underage girl and they would do sexual things in front of me and i didn't notice that they were um grooming me uh he never touched me um but she would always say sexual things around around me and then they would have sex in front of me and then when i turned 18 they asked if i wanted to join them and i i said no i'm like i was like no i'm i'm okay you know you guys have fun no judgment you know but but i didn't realize that i put myself in these crazy situations because i did i wasn't taught boundaries or i got a job when i was 14 years old and i was getting paid like maybe like five dollars an hour and my boss was in his mid-40s and uh clearly i got the job because you know my dad couldn't afford much and i just really just needed shoes or needed clothes you know it's not even that i wanted things i i needed them badly you know and this man would always look at me when and i would work on the weekends and he would always look at me and say you're wearing the wrong panties today and i would just laugh it off again clueless you know and and then he comes up to me and goes do you want to see a picture of my girlfriend i said sure and it's a 14 year old girl and then um sorry and then he continues to make like inappropriate comments all the time every day when i'm working and he i was work he owned a woman's clothing store and one day he comes up to me he goes how do you like you know our clothing and i said it's very nice i like it you know it i love it i i i like the looks and he goes well why don't you try a few outfits on for me and you can keep everything you try on and i me coming from a place where i don't have anything i said okay i'll do it and uh and then he calls the sick the mall security guy over and he's like in his late 40s and i'm in the fitting room and i'm trying these i'm trying the clothes on and i open the fitting room door and they're both standing there and they're asking me to turn around and they're saying all these provocative things to me and they start like touching themselves and i'm just standing there like this is absolutely like it's it's so unfortunate but this was such a normal thing for me and this was such a like it's not a big deal you know like it's not like he's asking me to do something worse because it can be worse and then i uh and then i ended up quitting that job and i never told i never told my dad i never thought to to tell someone about this man and and then i met a guy when i was 16. and he we started dating each other and then we started having we started having sex but i didn't want to and i didn't know that i can say no so i would do it every time it was asked um and uh so life kept just going on and that relationship became really abusive like uh verbally abusive and i was still doing things to please him just because i i thought that that's what you were meant like that's what you're supposed to do and then it became too verbally abusive that it we dated for five years it took me like a good year and a half to get out of that relationship uh and um then i my depression and my ptsd started to get really bad like i would have um i'll have nightmares every day um i would wake up like punching things um and now this is like is in my early twenties i would go out and get drunk like just just shit-faced and i would black out and i wouldn't remember remember anything and uh and i could be i would have moments where i would be super drunk and and i would lock myself in the bathroom because i felt i guess i felt like something was coming for me i guess but it was my ptsd i i felt like this huge amount of fear and i would just be sitting in the bathroom just rocking back and forth crying um and i i i was pretty bad for a while um and then one day uh i remember waking up and just just feeling like okay what are you doing with yourself what are what are you doing with your life and and i because of my trauma when i was skipping school a lot i dropped out of high school because i was i was so lost i i wasn't worried about you know science you know i careless about that you know i was trying to survive but you need an education to be a successful adult at least that's what we're all told uh and so my education just i was the system failed me in that department as well you know uh when my when my parents separated my mom took me with her for a little while for maybe like a year and she never took me to school like because she took me and my younger sister so she used me as her babysitter and so because i didn't go to school i was never taught how to read and when i went back to with my dad uh i was just getting passed on you know from grade to grade to grade and here i am wanting to learn you know i i love learning and no no adult at all seeing that like you know hey this girl doesn't know how to read or write maybe we should teach her that because that's my job you know and no i remember you know being like 11 and or or from seven to like 11 and every birthday you know i people the adults would tell me if you make a wish it'll come true and there i am in front of the cake every year closing my eyes and just saying all i want is to to know how to read because they wanted to progress um and so luckily when in in eighth grade uh a teacher finally noticed that i had that problem thank god for him and he saw that other kids in other classes were having that problem and he took all the other kids out put us in one class and and he taught he he taught us the basics and uh and i still struggle with it not as much as i used to thank god but it definitely it made me feel like i couldn't amount to anything and and i just it has always made me feel like i'm stuck and i and i so desperately want to learn i so desperately want to be better my biggest fear is being stagnant so when i woke up that day and i asked myself what are you doing like snap out of it you know i i it was like i was arguing with myself i'm like so you've been through hell and back so [ __ ] what you're so so your parents failed you so what so the school system failed you so what you're 21 years old now do something about it or do you want to be you want like 20 years 30 years from now to still be waking up feeling the same [ __ ] way and uh i reached out to a a therapist and i got i got therapy and and i remember the first day she said what do you want to accomplish with this therapy and i said i really don't have the answer right now all i know is that there's a wall in front of me that's blocking me from living my life and i'm ready to kick this [ __ ] down and i began the therapy and therapy is life i cannot say that enough it saved my life that woman is amazing and i learned boundaries finally and i learned how to fight for myself and and uh most importantly i learned that i was not the problem it wasn't my fault i shouldn't carry any shame and then uh fast forward some years later i think i was 27 and now i know how crazy this is going to sound whether it was a dream or actually happen i don't care i'll take it i was sleeping and i felt like i woke up but i couldn't open my eyes and i don't know if you've ever had that feeling when you're sitting in the back seat of a car and you're sitting next to the window and you close your eyes and you just feel the warmth of the sun and you can see you're like your red eyelids you know well i i was sleeping and that's exactly what i was feeling and i just felt this warmth cover my body and this silence and then this pure feeling of peace just no worry no anxiety no no hate no violence just pure peace and then i remember hearing my voice but it didn't feel like it was me i know it sounds crazy but it said to me marty you've had enough maddie it's okay to let go now it's okay to move on it's time to forgive and i opened my eyes and i just started crying they cried for like an hour but i cried with so much joy and i uh at the end of that week i i wrote two letters for my siblings and i forgave them i expressed all the pain that they caused i expect expressed that i had no depression and ptsd and anxiety they're like my friends at this point but i also express that you don't define me and i forgive you and i no longer carry that hurt or that pain and that from that moment forward i will start living for myself you know i heard maya angelou once said love liberates and i want to love myself each and every single day so i can liberate myself from all this trauma so i can have the ability to break these generational chains of don't ask don't tell and walk through life with a purpose because the only person that is stopping me from doing that is me so you better watch out all right marisol thank you so much for sharing your story thank you it's powerful thank you uh [Music] [Music] i mean it's like oh my god i think it might be

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Id: 36XJ8akXdFM

Length: 51min 53sec (3113 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 18 2021