Fetish Worker interview-Aundreaxx

i was just like really clear it was just a really clear night and like the stars was out and i just remember like looking out up at the stars and i just remember just like asking myself like i just remember asking myself who was i becoming all right andrea yes andrea where did you grow up where are you from originally i am from cleveland heights ohio and tell me about your family growing up you had both your mom and dad um no so i my mom raised me i lived in a single-parent household um my dad was never really around he was never really a part of my life um he kind of let me know like around the time my mom died that he divorced her because she wouldn't abort me so my dad never really wanted me so i just grew up with my mom wow your mom did a good job thank you thank you i think i think she i i i think she did but i mean i don't know i'm into so much you know that i think she would be a little disappointed but at the end of the day it's my life so i can i should live my life the way i want to live my life you went to school yes i went to high school and i graduated from college with an associate's degree in arts good for you thank you but you chose another career at least temporarily right yeah i um so i started dancing when i was 19. i started exotic dancing when i was 19. and um i got off into like doing some escorting and like being a call girl for a short time um between the ages of 19 and 22. that opportunity is presented to girls that work in the clubs right yeah yeah um so i actually started dancing because um my dog got really sick and um i was kind of cut off financially from my mom for like ever since i was maybe like 15 or 16 and so i just didn't really have much financial support and um she started kind of dating someone and um i kind of felt like she wanted me to move out and like have my own place and stuff i just wasn't ready i've never seen my mom date anyone before so i feel like she kind of slightly just acted a little differently i could just tell it was time for me to get my own space and stuff so um i just needed the money and i started dancing when i was 19. um i my mom introduced me to one of her ma best friend's sons who's a writer in the music industry and at the time i was 19 and he was like maybe like 40 and he kind of like propositioned me in a sexual way he asked me to like perform oral sex on him for 80 bucks and i was not very comfortable i just kind of felt like i didn't have to do it in what context at the club no this is this is before i was dancing so this is what kind of made me start dancing um he said he would give me money to help my dog but he wanted me to like he was already like kind of like grooming me in a sexual way um so because he wrote music i at the time i wanted to be a singer i've always wanted to be like a singer and like be in theater and do plays and stuff and um i feel like to some extent he kind of prayed on that and um he wanted me to like record this demo song for him to send to like um a singer in the music industry so like my mom wanted me to do it and like it just seemed like a really great opportunity because i used to sing um growing up like i've sung at like the house of blues in cleveland and one contest at the radio station and um so i was open to to singing the demo and so the only thing was is i could only do it like after like after like school and stuff like that after work or whatever and so i would have to sneak out like i just kind of would sneak out of my bedroom window and go to his house so i can record um you know recording in his studio his in-home studio he didn't live that far either so i mean it was kind of like it was cool like i didn't feel like it was any way to get caught like it was like foolproof and um so um he kind of was like i guess his fiancee had just recently passed away so he kind of was like coming on to me like in a sexual way and i kind of figured like well i was flattered at first because he was like so much older than me i was like really flattered but i mean i didn't really know like you know i didn't really know i was getting into or whatever so this particular time i needed the money and my mom she obviously was dating someone and she didn't want to like you know help me out financially anymore my dad was never really around so um i got into this really big blowout with my mom and i just told her you know i need if i can't have it if i can like i need some money like i need help i was working like two two jobs at the time and i was paying my own car insurance or whatever i mean i was like really young i was working at amber crumby and fitch and um uh and i was working at like valley title fitness or something and i just needed i was like broke and i just was broke i was just broke and so um i just told my mom well okay that's fine you don't have to give me money i'll just start getting it from men in the street and obviously i don't think she believed me i i didn't believe me but i was serious about it i needed to i needed money and my dog was sick and anyone who knows me knows i love my dogs and so i i told this guy that i needed some money to help my dog and um and he told me that he would give me the money if i performed oral sex on him and at first i was like i was like i mean i was i just didn't know how to feel about it um just so happened that i had a nurse who would come and help my grandmother that was living in our home i guess she used to like turn tricks like back in the day and um and i kind of told her i'm like i kind of was going to her for advice i'm like hey this guy he said he's going to give me some money but he wants me to like give him like head or whatever and um she was like well if you're going to do it this is how you do it so i mean i didn't expect her to say i didn't know what she was gonna say but i just needed like i was talking to an adult about it and i wasn't gonna talk to my mom about it because it was like a secret and um she just kind of gave me some rules to it and one thing she made very important to me was safe sex and protection and so i mean i had every intent on doing it but i got uncomfortable because he didn't want me to use a protection like he didn't want me to use a condom so i got super uncomfortable with that and i just felt like there's no way i'm gonna put my beautiful lips in jeopardy by performing oral sex from this guy on this random guy i just rather go to the strip club and i don't know take my top off and guys will pay me for the fantasy of being with me instead of having sex with them so i was dancing um i first well i don't want to say the clubs i worked at but i first started out um dancing like this it wasn't necessarily a hole in the wall but it was just like a real like laid-back quiet place or whatever and my first audition song i danced to was britney spears circus and um and they hired me of course i was underage but they hired me so that was my first dancing job how long did you do that so i worked there um for maybe like a year and i always like there's like three major clubs in cleveland that you want to work and i wanted to get to like the big dog club like we're all like the big huge mansion looking like look like um playboy mansion i wanted to work there but i just i don't think i had the experience at the time so i started out as like the smaller club and i did that for about a year i um but what would happen is that i would start to develop feelings for my regulars that would come in and see me so i would start to like like them and have crutches on them and stuff and um so like that's unusual yeah i know most of these girls despise their their clients yeah no i i i felt like i feel like they cared about me to some extent and i cared about them to some extent too so i just felt like it was a working relationship and i had really like developed feelings for this one client and um we ended up like hooking up and um i went to talk to one of my friends about it that worked in the club with me and i told her oh my god i said i hooked up with this guy i hooked up such and such and she was like oh really and i was like yeah and she was like well did he pay you for it and i was like no i mean was he supposed to and she was like yes you never like you never do that and not get paid for it so i was like oh okay so that's when i started to like make money from it but i mean it wasn't like i was just kind of like a streetwalker it was more so like i was really developing feelings and like i don't want to say falling in love with them but i really cared about them and you know i feel like i feel like they cared about me and i feel like they did care about me so we just kind of like would hook up every once in a while like every two weeks like they would fly into town like on business trips and stuff and um you know it was really nice for me as a younger woman like i would be in these really huge expensive hotels and like they were so nice like they were so big and they were so pretty and um i don't know i just feel like a little princess because they would spoil me and they would let me order a room service and like get cakes and like um i don't know everything i wanted and i just can help you with your financial security yeah so i had the best of else like i was pampered and i could just you know make my own money and i never had to ask my mom or my dad for anything else i need i never needed to ask anyone else for money because i was technically working for the money but it was like a some type of leisure to it so it was cool and your heart was even involved yeah so it didn't it didn't feel so bad like it didn't really feel bad i mean i've had like bad experiences like um like some guys would like like some guys i would feel like will be like murderers and stuff so like um this one guy i was sitting on his lap just talking to him at the club and um he was just kind of like you should get away from me and i was like why like i was like you know having fun hanging out with them like why he's like because i break women and i was like what do you mean and he was like i take them to my basement and i break them and you're way too pretty for for me to do to you what i normally do to them and i was like okay well thanks and i loved and then um so but so you run into a lot of situations where guys will um like are into like some like abusive stuff like you know they may be into watching like abusive porn and stuff like that so you'll have like moments where you may be doing a champagne room and normally the security is supposed to be like watching on the cameras to make sure the girl is okay but i've had instances where guys will like put me like in a headlock or something or be like hitting me and like like like like beating on me and i mean i didn't really have anyone come in and help me so i just kind of like had to like wait until it was kind of over and just try to stay on the other side of the room and keep a distance between us but most of the times in that environment guys are like high on coke and like it's just a lot of coke and a lot of drugs circulated and i never tried any drugs other than like marijuana but um yeah you'll have like you'll meet guys who are really like into some weird stuff like i was actually um dating this one guy well i actually dated two guys that i think murdered their girlfriends that i kind of like met in that industry just from like partying and stuff like i would run into them and like they they were just always in the area um at the club that i worked at so this guy was dating um well he liked me he wanted to date me but i just wasn't sure if i wanted to date him yet and i just was talking to one of my friends about it and they were like you know he murdered his girlfriend yeah i'm pretty i think he murdered his girlfriend but like he was trying to get me by myself and i was like against it obviously because like i think he murdered his girlfriend and like you know i've just met guys who just like who are just into some dark stuff and like we'll make certain jokes about like killing their girlfriend and putting them in the cuyahoga river and it was really nerve-wrecking for me because people was really being found in the river like dead like women were really dying and like being found in the river so i just been in some like close call situations where it could have been really bad for me but i was able to like get out of that situation thankfully because i didn't know what was gonna happen like this guy was dating and i went over to his house i thought it was just going to be him but it ended up being like three of his friends and i just kind of came in and i just didn't know what i was walking into and so i was trying to be normal like not feel like like not let them know i was scared or anything and like i kind of like asked a question like um so yeah so why are you single and he was just like because i killed my girlfriend and threw her body in the river and i was just kind of like okay well i'm gonna get ready to go so i left but you'll find a lot of that in the strip clubs like you'll find like a lot of like politicians and like police officers at the strip club too like a nice portion of my clients were police officers and this one police officer like i guess you you start to feel uncomfortable because some people have so much power that if they did something to you they can get away with it so it's just a really scary situation to be in because you never really know like what could happen to you and if you ever be found like um there was one police officer that was like really really obsessed with me in a way but he was like a regular he would come to the club and you know i would dance for him or whatever we never hooked up or anything because i was like really scared of him but um so he wanted my phone number and um i gave him my number and well actually no i just told him i was going to give it to him at the end of the night and so um at the end of the night the security usually comes out and like clears out the premises so no girl feels like afraid and so and so i got in my car and i started and i seen him like i see him in his car but i was hoping like if i started just driving off he would never like like like of course you don't think anyone's gonna chase you down the street in your car and it was like really late like four o'clock in the morning and um he started following me and he was like chasing me and i was like trying to drive and trying to get out the way because i couldn't believe this officer was chasing me he's a police officer and i'm like what the [ __ ] like if it's a police officer chasing me like what the [ __ ] like so then i got to a red light like the right the light turned red and so i stopped at the red light and like he hopped out the car and he started knocking on my window and he was like you said you were going to give me your phone number and i was like okay well so i gave him my phone number and he called it right in front of me and i was so happy i gave him my real number because i felt like if i were to give him a fake number like he probably would have been pissed so i didn't really know what to do so i just kind of gave him my number but you'll just find like guys who like have their like they have like really sick obsessions with girls like they will become like really obsessed you'll get stalkers and stuff like that like like this one guy um i met um he kind of became a stalker and i don't know if he ever like had my home address or not but um one day he texts me and he he was like um i bet you're wearing like he said something about the color of my underwear and the color of my underwear was exactly what he said it was so like i don't know if he was like following me or not so you meet some weirdos yeah it was crazy yeah it was really scary and i was so young like i didn't really know what to do like i never told anyone i just kind of was like well that comes with the territory you know like you're playing with guys desires and sexual urges so you never know like how they may respond especially depending on the type of like porn and stuff that they're watching like people start to like dehumanize you in a certain type of way where you're more of like just a sexual object so you you never really know how people would respond to you like um but then like that's when i started to kind of like realize that the fetish industry was really a lucrative industry because i would have some clients come and just want to like um buy my underwear that i was wearing they wanted my used underwear so they would like buy their my underwear and just smell my underwear and um i had some guys come and like just want to like smell my feet and like lick my feet and stuff and that was so funny so that's my first time i ever like had like uh i ever knew that feet was like a thing that people like get into so i would start letting them like kind of like suck my feet and smell my feet like so that was kind of fun so yeah and it's safer as well i think right yeah and you don't have to have sex so i liked it that because i didn't want to like i got uncomfortable at you know at a point in time i kind of felt like i felt like maybe the money was changing me and changing like my outlook on life because everything became about the money and not about like who i was as a person and i didn't really like how it was making me feel and how it was making me feel about myself like um one night in particular i was leaving the club and like obviously these were still guys that i was interested in like like uh physically attracted to because i would only like go towards guys that i was physically attracted to because it would make my job a lot easier like i wouldn't have to like like deal with any guy that was like stinky or musty or anything like it would be guys that were like clean cut attractive like i mean they weren't always fit but i'm a chubby chaser so i like heavier guys so um but yeah so one night in particular i um had like like two clients like i had like two clients like lined up that wanted to like sleep with me for money and i just remember like and this and this was two guys and like in like the same day and i just remember like before i went um and these are two like separate things i've never like done any like gang bangs or trains or anything like that but it was just like i've never slept with more than one person in a day and i remember like walking outside of the club and like i don't know this the sky was just like really clear it was just a really clear night and like the stars was out and i just remember like looking at up at the stars and i just remember just like asking myself like i just remember asking myself who was i becoming and um thank you i just remember like looking up and just asking myself who was that becoming because i didn't know who i was anymore so i didn't end up going through with it i didn't end up seeing either one of them but it just bothered me that i felt comfortable like maybe like sleeping with two guys in the same day for money and i just it bothered me that i felt okay doing that and i didn't do it but um obviously like well well well in my childhood i grew up like in a very religious environment i was like raised in a strict religious environment and um so i knew right from wrong but of course right and wrong is subjective depending on the person you ask so um i it just didn't feel right for me um and even being religious like i felt like i was never really understood in my religion because of my own like childhood traumas that i never really addressed or never really um really felt like was something that i needed to acknowledge um like i was molested by a lot of of my babysitters relatives and family that i would be left with when my mom was at work and um i think it first started happening before i was even in school like before i was in kindergarten i started being molested and most of the people that was molesting me were women so that caused me to like struggle with my sexuality really really hard and at some point in time like it i just was introduced to sex at a very early age so since i was introduced to it at an early age like as i became in my teens and like my my pre-teen years i um kind of like developed like a porn addiction and um i just was like really entrenched in the world of sexuality and exploring and like exploring your sexuality so um i mean i kind of felt like i didn't know if i was like gay or straight but i knew i had developed a strong attraction to women and um yeah at first i first was molested when i was like a kid and it happened when i was playing hide and seek and i was hiding in a closet and this particular person came into the closet and started touching me in my private area and my first instinct was to get up and leave but this person told me that if i got up to leave that the boogeyman was going to come get me so that's how young i was i was afraid of the boogeyman and i never told anybody and i never said anything and it just started to happen on a recurring basis at different people's houses and um i don't know it just wasn't a good it just didn't make me i don't know i don't know i don't know how i felt but it's just things that i would never forget um like one experience i had where this um ozer guy molested me at a babysitter's house and he he had some like mental i don't know what was wrong with him but he was like a violent he was a violent person so um when he would touch me i would want to like start like screaming or asking for help and he would start like hitting me and um like like hitting on me and i was like scared to say anything so i never said anything i just kind of like took it all in and i just was like well this is some weird this is some weird [ __ ] that's going on maybe it's just like i don't know i just thought like maybe i didn't think it was normal but i didn't know why i was like the target in in in every different situation it just seemed like no matter where i was like if i was at school or if i was like at like at i don't know like i don't know like just like babysitter's house or just like wherever you know it would just kind of happen so i just thought like maybe like i don't know i just didn't know what to think about it um yeah and then i would start to like so this so the guy that used to like molest me and would start hitting me if i was telling anyone um so he had sisters that were um there as well and um one time i was just venting to them about being afraid of the dark and he was like well she was like well you know my brother really likes you a lot so if you if you're ever afraid you know you can always call him for help and he would do anything for you so that's when i started to equate um love and abuse together synonymously so i was like okay well maybe people will develop like these strong feelings for you that they can't control their self so they'll beat you up or hit you and so i was just like i kind of was a little flattered yeah humans are interesting yeah so the fetish thing you're doing now are you more at peace with that are you more comfortable with that so yeah i'm more at peace with that because i feel like i don't have to like have sex with anyone so so how i started doing that is um so obviously some things happen at the strip club with my feet and i was like oh this is nice i can't make money doing this so um i stopped dancing when i was like 22 um because i like got really entrenched in a particular christian sect of religion and i got baptized and um i just kind of was like like a lot i kind of like this one story where this guy um i guess was dating this girl and asked her to like like text her and ask her to see pictures of her feet or something and um she kind of betrayed him and like was telling her friends about it and putting in a group chat and stuff and making fun of him and it had gotten back to me and at the time i was the new cute girl around i was like you know the hot girl the new face or whatever and everyone was making fun of him and so um i reached out to him and i let him know that there's nothing wrong with him liking you know feet there's nothing wrong with embracing your own kinks and your own sexuality there's nothing wrong with that so we end up like linking up and um he would like you know like click my feet and stuff and like i just let him know like you know you're free to do whatever you want with my feet like you can be comfortable being yourself so i felt good because i felt like i was doing a service to humanity by letting him know it's okay to be himself and he can consult my feet whenever he wants to and um so that's where it started and then i noticed that um i don't know just like guys who i just were here like we're having like a hard time like they may be nerds or something and people were just like making fun of them for liking feet like i just would let them know that it's okay to like feet and you can suck my feet and look at my toes and stuff and um is it less violating for you yeah i think it's like i kind of like i i kind of like noticed that i liked the dominating another male is how i felt like dominating a male made me feel good so you're more in charge yeah yeah so they would stuck my feet and i could just do whatever i want like i could just you know i could do whatever i want and it made me feel it made me feel like empowered like it made me feel like i had control or power over i imagine the money might be better too right yeah they were paying me well at the time they weren't paying me at the time i was just doing it for fun but um one day i had um painting my toenails this really pretty like dark red color and i posted it on instagram i was like new nail polish and like i got all these messages from these guys like oh my god your feet are so pretty can i worship your feet and i was like i didn't know what that i didn't know what that meant but i it never occurred to me that all this time i had been letting people worship my feet all this time so i started like looking more into it like looking at the foot fetish community and stuff and then i started using hashtags so people can discover my feet and so i made up only fans for my feet and then i would have guys reach out to me and pay me for pictures of my feet and um like sometimes they would want videos of my feet too so you know they would just you know i give them some photos and some videos of my feet like doing some weird stuff like in mashed potatoes or spaghetti or something like that and sometimes they would want me to change my nail polish so i would charge some extra for that and sometimes they will want me to make like um like a a gift list on amazon and um so they can buy me like jewels for my feed and like accessories and stuff and so then i was started to make a lot of money from it um and then i would start to charge my friends to like suck my toes and lick my feet so now i was making a lot of money doing it because a lot of guys that i had grown up with and had no idea that they had this fetish a lot of them started to reach out to me and it was cool because i was comfortable with them because i had known them for so long so it was like sometimes i would like you know they would i would link up with them and they would just like you know lick my feet and stuff and i sent pictures of my feed and videos and i started to make a lot of money doing it and um like the fetish community in general is just a really good lucrative business because you'll have guys who want to like buy your urine and and stuff like that and then you'll have guys who like like like currently i also dance too so like you'll have guys that are into like some other kinky stuff like like they want me to slap them or spit in their mouth and um i mean it's it was fun for me because i was able to you enjoy the control yeah and now i can inflict abuse on someone else consensually with no one being hurt on purpose yeah so it was cool what have you learned about men from all of this what if i learned from what about men oh what if i learned from men about men do you see men differently because of this um i don't i don't know i don't really see men differently because i feel like maybe i never really knew what men were about anyways because you're not really judging them yeah i'm just kind of like letting them be themselves and um i don't really know what it will look like to like i don't know like the whole concept of a real man and a real woman like i don't even know like what that even means so it's just like i just feel like everyone should be free to be themselves and do what they want to do and if it's consensual and it's and it's you know and no one's being hurt um i just feel like everyone should be free to explore their own sexuality and embrace their sexuality and during this time i felt like it gave me an opportunity to embrace my sexuality as a woman and not feel like people were taking it for me so um like i've been raped a couple of times like through the process of dancing and stuff like that and meeting people that you think you can trust and you find out that they're maybe you were too trusting so um i just kind of feel like it's a way for me to take back my sexuality where i'm saying like this is my terms this is on my terms and this is all my conditions and it's no longer being like stolen from me it's no longer feeling like something precious is being ripped away from me i feel like i just have more control over it i feel like i can do what i want and i can ask for what i want and it makes me feel empowered like i feel like in society today like we try to like like condemn sex workers and people in the fetish industry and i just kind of feel like depending on the person that's doing it like if it's consensual and if that's something they want to do that's for them like i don't feel like it's okay to condemn people and make them feel like crap because of what they choose to do like we all have our own kinks and we all have our own fetishes and we all have things that make us you know that make us tick and no one should be like shamed because of it and i'm just all about embracing yourself and embracing your sexuality that's great yeah thank you and a little bit safer for you right yeah it's a lot safer because it's on my terms though i feel more comfortable saying no because i can say no i can say no no i don't have to do something that i don't want to do and i don't have to like feel uncomfortable or feel like i don't do anything i'm not comfortable with so you know it's it's less about that person on the receiving end and more about my comfortability and i can you know i can say no when i want to like i don't have to do anything i don't want to do yeah and so most times it's not like i'm like soliciting myself myself or anything but most of the time the guys will get like so excited that they'll just like climax in their pants so i don't really perform any acts or anything or touch them in a sexual way they just like you know get excited and you know it happens in their pants like i'm fully clothed they're fully closed and they just kind of like you know get off on just feet and so like they'll be so embarrassed and and stuff like that but you know i laugh it's a little it's a little funny to me it's flattering but um so but you know it's it's okay though it's okay you know everything's gonna be okay all right we'll all be okay yeah yeah because a person embracing themselves is the best thing in life you know being happy with themselves and being happy with who we are you know like i kind of feel like sometimes we get so wrapped up and everything else like like personally for me like being raised a very religious person i just never belonged in my religion because i was just so different like because of my life experiences as a child being molested i was drawn to certain sexual things like so i just didn't feel like i belonged because either the like the people were like really like picking on me or just making me feel like i felt out of place and some of the people wanted me to fill out the place like i felt like i like i just felt like they didn't want me to feel comfortable and so i didn't feel comfortable and i just never felt like i could be successful in that particular um religion because i just felt like i couldn't that i wanted i wasn't i was always in trouble i was always in trouble because i was just me and i guess i'm in trouble but um like i've been disassociated a couple times i'm currently disassociated now and basically that's when no one's allowed to talk to you or you know anyone if you have family that's in that religion they're not allowed to talk to you no one affiliated with that organization is allowed to converse with you so you feel outcasted and you just feel like you're thrown away and like you're disposable and like people will forget about you for making mistakes or you know struggling with in a certain area struggling in a certain area people will just make you know make your issues their issues by um by just showing you that they can no longer like be associated with you and it it's more hurtful than anything for me personally because i've never really had like i've never really felt like i've had like much of the ideal family situation anyways like not having a father and having older sisters that i kind of felt like didn't really take on to me because my mom had me when she was so much older it was kind of like we were in a separate generation so i never really developed like a sisterly bond with my older sisters and like i don't know i just like after the death of my mom like things got really weird and um just got really weird and uncomfortable and then i end up getting like disassociated from my religion and and they like i just feel like they i don't know just used it like one of my sisters i felt used it as an excuse to like not talk to me and not converse with me yeah i just i've just always felt like i never really belonged anywhere like i was like severely bullied throughout school um like i didn't even like i wasn't i never even went to preschool because i was bullied in preschool and then i was homeschooled in sixth grade in middle school so then i was like integrated back into public school and i was raised in a diverse area so like when i first started school all of my friends were like white hispanic you know black and then like i'm like so i just got thrusted into public school with like majority black um students and that was an uncomfortable experience for me because obviously i stood out and i was like really bullied about the way i talk the way i dressed and um i don't know it was hell it was [ __ ] hell i got my ass bullied like i used to be crying in the bathroom like that's how bad it was like i would be crying you're a good student though i was yeah i was a good student i was just kind of like i was just a quiet girl i was like a really quiet shy girl like no one really knew me i was like elaine that's what i was called a lame so no one should ever feel that yeah no one should ever feel that way but um you know i i feel bad because i feel like i would come home and like bully my brothers and it made me feel bad because i felt like i was making them feel like the way people in school was making me feel and i still regret that even still and i've since then apologized to my brother because i wasn't happy for the way that i acted thank you i wasn't happy for the way that i acted but i feel like you know it's weird like be like the whole bullying thing is very weird anyway it's always hurt people that hurt people yeah and so i wasn't proud of how i handled being bullied because i would come and bully my brothers live in the household so that made me feel like a shitty sister so um and then my youngest brother passed away he was like um he was murdered in 2011. and that kind of like during that time i had already started dancing and so that just became like a whirlwind of emotions because i started to like use sex as a way to like mask my pain and not deal or process with the things that i was going through emotionally so i would kind of use sex as a tool and um i think that's what my biggest problem is is like learning how to like process my emotions without feeling like i need to like um have sex with someone and and most times it's not very enjoy sex is not really an enjoyable thing like for me growing up like having sex like when i first lost my virginity i thought it felt like death and like i didn't start having sex again so i was like 18. i lost my my virginity when i was 16. oh my 16th birthday and it was so bad but um yeah i don't know the guy i lost my virginity too he was like a sweetheart he would like come to my bedroom window when he got into fights with his family and just come and spend time with me kind of was like a safe haven for him he would like bring me flowers to my bedroom window and stuff so just kind of happened but sex was never really enjoyable for me um i just i don't know why i was doing it i just was trying to mask how i was feeling and i guess i always felt like like people were always pushing their sexual desires on me and like doing things to me as a kid that i just kind of was like well maybe this is what like you're supposed to do i don't know you know so i think that's kind of like where my struggle is is trying to identify and figure out why sex became like a tool to feel better even if it wasn't enjoyable i think maybe it was the intimacy i was like looking for like being intimate with someone and getting a hug or just being embraced it just kind of made me feel better and i was willing to do whatever to like fill that void and just kind of like obviously it backfired and my life was like just spiraling out of control and um yeah i don't know just kind of felt like i didn't really belong anywhere i didn't i don't know the places i thought i was supposed to be like in my religion the places i thought i was supposed to be i just didn't fit in i was never gonna be perfect enough sometimes that can be frustrating just not being perfect enough and um one particular time one of like the highest ranking men in the like in the organization the church yeah like he would like like he like will obviously go around from district to district or circuit or whatever and um he came on to me in a sexual way and um i didn't really know how to take that um i felt like i lost faith in religion after that to be honest like i just was like i don't feel safe anywhere when it comes to people and like their sexual desires and um like no one like no one in my congregation ever like voluntarily came to me to let me know that wasn't my fault and so i don't know i just didn't feel as safe and i just didn't feel like um i don't know i just didn't feel like i belonged i just feel like anywhere i go people were going to be sexual you know towards me or just towards anyone like people you know anyone can feel like uncomfortable and um yeah i after that happened like after i experienced him coming on to me like that and no one ever coming to like really like coming to me like voluntarily coming to me and saying that this wasn't your fault and that you didn't do anything wrong it just bothered me because i felt like when i am doing something wrong everyone is quick to correct me or like make me feel like like i just wasn't good enough and like i was like breaking everyone's heart and like um like breaking god's heart and um but i just felt like when someone wronged me like like when a man of a certain status wronged me no one really it didn't seem like they cared i mean just in some way they cared like no one i just didn't feel that embracing that love to let me know that it wasn't my fault and that bothered me that bothered me a lot because i was told that this was a place that i belonged and ever since i came into it i just never felt like i belonged i just feel like the odd girl out and i think because of my past a lot of people held that against me and just never really wanted to give me a chance and um i feel like if i would have spoken out against this man like my past would have been brought up and i was just kind of like over it like i was just over it at that point in time and it just really bothered me mentally it just bothered me mentally for a while and i don't know i just it just bothered me so i just kind of like strayed away from organized religion because sometimes you're just really not safe anywhere so yeah i don't know andrea well thank you so much for sharing your story thank you i wish you the best of luck with whatever you do thank you i appreciate that thank you you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 1,604,350

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: z-SKBgnSn68

Length: 48min 11sec (2891 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 05 2022