Fentanyl Addict interview-Adrianne

so you're from arizona i'm actually from new jersey i left new jersey to go to a treatment center called tlc and when i went there everything was really great and everything i was there for almost like nine months or so i was there for a really long time and i ended up meeting somebody out there and you know rehab romance fell in love and everything um i ended up getting pregnant got kicked out and i moved into a studio six which is like an extended stay i was working a really great job and then it was just like one day i was like i want to try some weed again i just want to feel the feeling of weed that went completely out the window the guy i was with at the time got the weed but he also got some balloons and i've never seen balloons before so we get back to our room and he's like trying to hide it i'm like what are you doing what are you doing he's like nothing i'm just going to throw it out i'm like what is it though and he's like it's it's heroin i'm like okay and at first i'm like i mean we should just throw it out like no no we got to do this now like we're doing this and it just went this was how long ago this was oh my gosh over six years ago now like it's honestly i never even never even really thought about it how many years ago it was but it's been a really long time so you weren't you were one of these kids that started with drugs early i wasn't i wasn't like i wasn't the one that started off with weed early i was more interested in in the science behind everything and the medical part of everything i would like study my mom's books because she'd have a library of like all medical books all about pills and i was just like from the beginning i was really intrigued about medicine then also it turned into i started dating somebody and of course the bad boyfriend thing started experimenting with pills it was like percocets and vicodins then it went from percocets to vicodins to roxies then it went from roxies to oxys and then it went from the guy i used to get my supply from he got busted doctors got busted and i was left with going to atlantic city to pick up heroin then it was like off to the races from there and it was like i went to three rehabs out in new jersey none of them worked i mean i was determined to try and stay clean but it was just like something stuck to me back in every single time be like the littlest thing and my parents were never they tried to not understand addiction even when they've had addiction in the family they've tried to hide that like they're like no there's no such thing they didn't believe in any type of therapy any type of rehab they locked me in my room to cold turkey for two weeks it was like the most brutal two weeks my entire life tell me about that mind you i didn't even start throwing up violently until after those two weeks i really don't know how that started to happen like that but it did my mom was like literally scream in my ear like you did this to yourself you did this to yourself like there's no mercy for you like you need to go through this i've heard heroin addicts or i guess fentanyl is probably same thing describe going cold turkey like like worse than death i wanted to die like honestly there's been no part of my life where i've ever wanted to die more like and i wouldn't wish withdrawal on my worst of enemies that's just terribly i can't sleep i can't stand up i can't talk right i can't focus like my eyes are going to do like my thoughts i can't process like my spine feels like there's like it's just prickly isn't it it's just every part of my body just feels like it's just out of order and there's no fixing that at all unless i get my fix and that solves everything right exactly everything is just perfect after that like it's like i got that warm hug back again i got that void filled like all right let's go to work now what an interesting drug i know it's crazy it's absolutely crazy like amphetamines i was never really into that you know it was like my love was you know the opioids and the opiates it's like ah they make you feel so good like it made me feel like i was on amphetamines which a lot of people were like i don't know why you do opiates or why do you ovulates they just make people nod out and i'm like tell me what getting high the first time especially is like oh wow um the first time getting high um on a pill it was like i snorted it and about 15 minutes after it was almost like like oh this is what i need in my life like this is what i need to have and then all of a sudden my first time doing heroin instead of snorting it i shot it in a wawa bathroom i was like i saw everybody else shooting up and i was like oh it looks really cool i knew the dangers of it and everything um i just didn't really care i was just like i want that feeling i did it immediately fell in love i was i remember like leaving the wawa bathroom and the mark from the tourniquet was still on my arm and going to go buy cigarettes and the lady just like looking at me like what the [ __ ] and uh after that it was every day i would go down to atlantic city if nalang city camden which is extremely dangerous um i almost overdosed on camden bags and it was like the littlest amount was like i'm used to doing like a bundle at a time which bundles 10 bags the bag is about like a point each and a camden bag it's so strong that you do one bag you do the full one and you're used to doing a bundle you're probably gonna overdose like you have to do like the littlest amount of that bag so you're currently using fentanyl or heroin fentanyl i stopped using heroin um because when i was in vegas i almost died i had pulmonary edema i had heart failure and kidney failure yeah i collapsed in my boyfriend's arms it was like i have this like little scar right here well not little it's kind of big um i just kind of ignored it because in vegas i was really bad like it was just constantly going going going because that's how vegas is you don't sleep in vegas and we had nowhere to go i it's different out here out here you can have like places to go and people are nicer in vegas you don't have that uh so where i could go at the time would be like some of bandos are dirty you know i don't really have access to cleaning supplies and mind you i was also doing meth so i would tweak you know pick etch it well it inflamed i started getting bad fevers i would get dizzy i wouldn't get high anymore so i was trying to double my dosage and nothing was working and then all sudden one day i remember going to this dude's abandon and my boyfriend immediately was so tired that he fell asleep and out there it was like okay you sleep i watch you i sleep you watch me so i'm like all right i'm gonna let him sleep he needs to sleep to avoid getting robbed yes yeah that or you know you never know out there people just like to [ __ ] with you you know so i'm talking with this one guy and all he has at the time is like weed and some meth which is not gonna do it for me you know especially i'm like dying at this time i didn't even know i was but i'm dying and i'm sitting on the floor just exchanging stories and stuff like that finally i have this urge to go pee and i go to go it up and i can't my body will not move i'm like what the [ __ ] is going on like what is going on with me right now and i'm like i had to go to the bathroom really bad though like shane what do i do what do i do so i finally gained the courage to ask this guy hey do you think he can possibly pick me up and bring it to the bathroom and he's like yeah no problem no problem he's really nice about it so he brings me to the bathroom i use the bathroom ah good great cool done go to get up can't get up so i have to call this guy over again and it's so embarrassing because it's like my parents are down and i don't even know this guy so he's cool about it though he helps me out i go sit back down the floor he goes you know you really should go to the hospital like no you're you're right you're right i should i'm not gonna deny it this time i'm just gonna wait for my boyfriend to wake up well that was like hours into it finally it's dark out now he wakes up i literally have him help me up as soon as i held him up i'm like listen i need to go to the hospital and just boom so uh i remember hearing a little bit in and out and i remember the guy that was so nice tell my boyfriend you cannot call 9-1-1 you cannot bring 9-1-1 here i'm on papers get her out of here so my boyfriend had to pick me up put me in a shopping cart wheel me across the street to 7-eleven meanwhile he's freaking the hell out like oh my god i don't know what's going on with her like oh my god i've never seen her do this before calls 9-1-1 9-1-1 was there he said like instantly i don't know if it was because they knew the situation that i was in and how important it was he said that they put me in the ambulance and i almost was like refusing the iv it was like he's like every time they would try and hook you up with the fluids you would go like that and he was in that was it i couldn't go with you after that he wasn't allowed any contact with me because of my father meanwhile my parents they wanted nothing to do with me they were just doing it just to be spiteful [Music] they had a bet on who was gonna die first my grandfather or me at that time because they were told by the doctor hey listen adrian's not doing too well we have to drug induce her into a coma don't know she's going to survive this this is the only possible chance of survival she may have so you might want to come out and like visit her in vegas no they didn't do it the only people that visited me was my boyfriend and his parents that was it and i tried calling them my mom answered all she did was tell me about that bet told me about how my cousin who's like my best friend growing up is being domestically abused so bad that she needs to get a divorce um that my grandfather ended up dying during my coma and that they want nothing to do with me once again it was my fault i put myself in this position tough love she's a hardcore italian catholic like to the max and she kind of was she was raised without a mother really when she was 12 years old her mom came into her room and was like listen annie either you leave with me right now or you stay here with your father but either way i'm leaving and so she was like put in that like really tough decision you know what i mean i can only imagine being 12 years old being told like hey either you come to me right now or you stay here but either way you're losing your mom like that's it so she ended up making the decision of actually staying with her father her father was older at the time so she matured up you know took care of him and i guess the second she turned 18 she realizes i can get married and i can have my own family she does that it was a mistake she ended up marrying having a kid i end up leaving divorcing him met another person got pregnant again with my brother he started dealing the father started dealing drugs and all this other stuff so she's like i can't have this around you know my babies i'm done with it decided to be a single mom and she did not find love again i guess until a few years after that where she found my dad she used to like deny him all the time to like no i don't want i don't want to marry a landscaper like that's it like like you can just tell like how my mom is like she's just very very judgmental and just very harsh and finally she married him uh they ended up taking care of the business together she had me and then she had my little sister and just we were just raised you can't have sleepovers not even my cousins can sleep over i can't go anywhere so it's like she wanted this family but she never wanted to let us go it was like i wasn't even allowed to go to like dances like going to a dance i'd have to like really beg them to go to if i i could never walk home from school even though i lived right up the road from it i wasn't allowed to have boyfriends uh my dad actually chased guys away from the house with his peterbilt truck which is like crazy to think of like all right dads are kind of like that sometimes but like they took it to the extreme like i've even ran away once uh i wanted to be with this one guy i thought it was love you know it was my first love so i took off and when they found me my mom grabbed me by my hair and i remember like pulling me out and like just like kicking me in the stomach and like you're not gonna do this one again she pulls me out of school i'm homeschooled now they said that the reason was for depression uh i wasn't allowed to leave the house at all they had an alarm system so like the second you would open up the door window anything it would like ding ding ding so they knew like they had surveillance on me like 24 7. i wasn't allowed to do [ __ ] and of course naturally that makes me want to rebel you know and my rebellion was pills you know opiates it made me feel better like oh i can i can deal with my mom if i just have this and i hid it for the longest time with them and it was great until they found out and uh i remember my dad threatening that he was gonna shoot he asked for my mom to grab the gun because he was gonna shoot me in the head so of course i'm like a teen i'm like you know rebellious i'm like go ahead dad do it do it dad go ahead they freak out over that and call the police saying i'm suicidal really really mom okay makes a lot of sense so i get sent into a mental hospital which is horrible i don't wish that one on my worst enemies because it's just like oh my god get me out of here and you can't go anywhere you're in involuntary hold it's like oh terrible terrible terrible but so the fastest i can get out of that house i got out of that house but then i quickly ended up back there again too because the boyfriends i was dating at the time were just abusive um couldn't deal with it had to move back so they would win but it would quickly within two weeks all the [ __ ] would unravel again like it was just a non-stop nightmare it's like i think back on now and i'm just like wow like it was a really [ __ ] up life like really [ __ ] up for somebody to go through all this traumatic stuff like just boom boom boom all at once i'm shocked i didn't kill myself like really and uh i remember begging to go to rehab and they were like i don't know about that like you're just gonna go to rehab and you're gonna hang out with these friends and you guys are just gonna do drugs together like mom do you know what rehab is like you know rehab is to rehabilitate so you can recover yeah i'm sure there's a small percentage of people that do connect with each other and get high but at this time i really wanted to be clean like i really really wanted it and it just didn't last at all because it was just like that constant like no you're a drug addict like you're you know you're still doing drugs even though i'm asking you're still doing drugs so it's like hearing that so much [ __ ] it why not might as well do drugs that continued continued then i finally was like [ __ ] it if i'm gonna do this right i'm going out of the state like i can't do this around them i went to arizona i chose arizona believe it or not my parents were moving out there but i wasn't going to where they were going at in arizona it was just arizona just seemed like it was beautiful place completely across country i won't be anywhere near new jersey or my fellow friends and stuff like that i went out there i was still withdrawing when i got off the plane i was brought into this like halfway house for like prison women i went to the wrong one so i'm like what's going on here they pulled the van and i'm like what is going on you see all these like big women i'm like this is not the place is it so i get out and like immediately i've never been through this experience before i've never been i had to strip cl strip all my clothes hand them off to somebody and shower right there i've never been through that experience it is quite the experience i'll tell you that and then the clothes that they give you uh it was like 3xl top like two xl pants i'm like trying to like i hope my pants don't fall down you're sleeping in these bunk beds you get woken up at four in the morning you have to do chores all the time like sweeping up the entire place and all this other crap oh my god you gotta write 40 times what you're grateful for and da da da just like constant pressure and meanwhile i'm like throwing up i'm like just skin crawling the whole time i'm miserable i don't want to talk to anybody but you're forced to talk to people you're forced to work and it's just brutal as hell the bunk beds we lived in soon found out they were infested with bed bugs they cut one of the bedbugs uh one of the posts in half bed bugs just like like arachnophobia i was like oh my god this is the place i live in like holy [ __ ] uh finally thank god i don't know who it was i think it was one the counselors reviewed my case and she's like adrian you have insurance she's like you don't need to be here she's like you're supposed to be over across the street i'm like why what's across the street and uh she's like it's a lot better you have a doctor you have an actual like nice house with you know real bed in it and stuff like that and i'm like can we go now so i was able to move which was great and i got to see the doctor that was the first time ever i was put on maintenance drugs which was uh subutex and i was put on gabapentin ativan um what was the other one oh trazadone which is like an honor card but held sleep it was the first time in my life i actually felt good like but of course i try and call my mom again to tell her what's going on and it's not good enough for her still and she's like you're still on drugs in my eye you're still on drugs it got so bad that i literally just couldn't even deal with it anymore and the doctor ended up calling my mom and was like listen i have a son that's on drugs and i know it sometimes looks like they're still on the drugs he goes but my son has been clean off of heroin for 30 years now like or some astronomical numbers like he's like so just give her some time and let her try this method i guarantee you it's gonna be a lot easier on her it's gonna be a lot easier on you that's when she's like well i don't give i don't care she goes she's not stepping foot in my doorway ever again unless she's clean for maybe maybe 10 years and even then i don't think we're gonna allow her in the house so he's like you got a really tough mom i'm like no no my dad still refused to talk to me like all this [ __ ] is just all bad so it's just horrible what do you think the core of your addiction is is it the way you were treated by your parents i don't want to i don't want to blame it on that i feel like that's like a no but that causes some form of trauma and it totally is and i just learned recently that ptsd i feel loved as a child is a tough thing to go through right even if it's something that you don't get it's considered ptsd you know in your childhood so thinking of that yeah it probably was like my mom was so straight that like i remember it was like maybe seven or eight years old and this is really weird to remember this memory grabbing a knife and going underneath my bed and like just wanting to die like she was cruel she was horrible like if we left anything out on her landing like a sleeping bag or something she called me a [ __ ] uh that was worthless i'm too stupid for college uh i'll never get anything done right i better find a really really rich husband because i can't figure out anything um i was put in sylvan learning center because i wasn't good enough at math she said i was too stupid to figure that one out it was just like i was always not good enough i was not good i was stupid i was this i was that like you tell that to a child like that's really traumatic like you know the child might not know any better but soon they will and either way that just puts a lot of [ __ ] up [ __ ] in that kid's head like i wish it wasn't like that i really i really want a relationship with my mom like she got along my older sister and that was it like everybody else in that family just rebelled against her but she was never the problem you know your siblings tell me about just briefly tell me about them uh my oldest sibling colleen she's ocd to the max probably because of my mom she doesn't do any drugs though she's too scared to even take a tylenol probably because of my mom she finally married at the age of 31. um she had problems with finding men that would stick around and all that stuff she is great musician by the way i have to add that as a positive note you know great musician but she's very tough to deal with too she always takes my mom's side even if she knows that my mom's wrong she'll still take my mom's side with it just because i guess she wants to keep that relationship i guess your other siblings are um anyone similar to you the middle sibling uh my brother he kind is he kind of was kind of treated the same way when he was 16 he ended up having a kid and so he dropped out he was like completely disowned by my family at this point he dealt with a lot of [ __ ] so he pulled away from the family but he was slowly able to get back into that family and now they have a relationship again which is cool good for him you know what i mean like hey if you're gonna have a relationship with her awesome like that's great but uh he did drugs um he didn't i don't think he did anything like hard hard but i know for a fact he was smoking weed every once in a while i guess he would do a viking in here and there but my sister-in-law she was addicted to xanax she tried to hide that one for the longest my little sister she's the smartest one in the entire family like she's the poster child she is getting her doctor in the university of arizona like super smart like but my mom once again is super heavy on her she can't go anywhere she is gone for the littlest bit of time and my mom's calling or calling or calling or calling and calling her like it's unbelievable and i tried to warn my mom like mom stop don't do it don't do it like please like you see what happens when you do that like just stop like let let her have her life like she's going to a beautiful university she's beautiful she's smart as hell like she's got it going for her she's getting depressed i'm noticing it please stop before this gets worse she just nope she knows how to be a parent i don't whatever you know i can't say much more into that and uh she my little sister's opened up to me a couple times where she's actually admitted that she wanted to kill herself because of my mom isn't that crazy like it's like what the hell man and they hear that like to hear that about like i'm here my little sister say that [ __ ] to me it's like are you serious like this is not how it's supposed to be like this girl's gorgeous she's got it all going for super smart she's getting straight a's like so i don't know why my mom's thinking that you know she can be the way she is to her she's getting everything she wants with 18 like why aren't you treating her better yeah so it's messed up it's really messed up do you have kids no i was supposed to have a kid that pregnancy that i said that happened i ended up having a really bad fever and i ended up losing that child it was very it was first term so i guess i can't say it as a child but it was still very traumatic the boyfriend that i have uh he really wanted a kid too so when we found out it was like oh wow like we're gonna have a kid and when it didn't happen i didn't want to tell him like it took me like a good two weeks to tell him that like i'm not pregnant anymore and that devastated him like i don't think he's been the same since we would getting pregnant possibly get you to stop somehow i don't know i mean i'd like to think yeah i wouldn't want to bring a baby into this world the same way that you know some babies get brought into this world but then again i don't know because there's been so many things i've done in my life where i'm like i would never do that no i could never and then all of a sudden of course life just has its way to being like you were wrong and the drugs you're playing around with have a way of just not letting go yeah yeah common sense is not part of the equation right you're clearly smart and sensible and you have all these things going for you but you got a hook in you that you just can't take out yeah i mean i'm gonna say you can't you could but right it's gonna be tough right yeah it's definitely tough even like me almost dying didn't stop it you know like i remember being hooked up to ivs in my picc line and shoving drugs into that big line like how dangerous like girl you just almost died because of these drugs like what are you doing you know like didn't didn't bother me one bit like now come on let's try this i've got an open vein cool that's the sick thinking you know that i had it was craziness yeah really changes your what your ethics just are changed permanently or not permanently but like while you're on the drug the things you will and won't do or are very altered yes yes absolutely there's been so many things like just thinking about like all the things that i've been through like i would never have been in that position if i wasn't on these drugs like i graduated in high school with my with my license in cosmetology i loved that job like it was great like i was like i'm going to be something like i'm going to become a teacher i'm going to go around the salon salon teaching people all these different things and it's going to be great like i got extra certifications for doing classes and it just never ended up happening and it sucks it really sucks but it's like going from being a cosmetologist that was like doing really good in a really nice long spa to being you know in these terrible situations with people that i never want to be involved with my entire life people i would never want to ever meet again or have anybody that i know involved with like i don't know why i did some of the things i did like it's like like you're saying like common sense is just not there like i've been put through the worst like i became a stripper out um in arizona actually this was like we were just starting to become homeless but we had my car to live in and i was like all right i'm nicking this in the butt we're gonna we're gonna figure this out and i thought figuring this out was i'm gonna become a stripper never done it before in my life heard about it seen a lot of girls making a lot of money from it i'd never had any outfits i didn't have no heels i didn't have no dance history i just walked up to this job i'm like i need a job please and thank god i was like taken under this one woman's wing and she gave me my first pair of heels taught me about all the dances and what type of music to dance to with what group i'm dancing for which is great but with that industry comes along with another dark side of things like i was kidnapped i was drugged and thank god for that time that i was drugged that somebody was actually like knew where i was and knew that it was very abnormal abnormal that i was not back at a certain time ended up having to go knock on this person's door and they found my body just like lifeless on this person's bed like i was stripped naked like who knows what this person was doing with me like i don't know to this day what the hell they did i have no recollection recollection of it i just remember this guy asked me do you want to drink and i was like yeah sure why not okay cool didn't think anything of it nothing of it of course another common sense thing went right out the window and i remember coming to in my friend's car and being like what the hell is going on he's like dude you were gone for like 13 hours he's like what the hell happened i'm like 13 hours i was like what are you talking about and i remember looking and i'm like oh my god what the hell i was like i don't know i was like the last last i remember this guy asked me if i wanted to drink i said sure you know that's a normal thing to do when you're in that industry you have a drink you know loosen up that was [ __ ] up that was when it was like it all became really real to me like this [ __ ] is no joke you don't look like a heroin addict really or fentanyl addict oh cool all right let's get the little you could say if you could snap your finger and just be clean you'd be like yeah back back to normal society all right but then this is like this dark side of me that's like i don't know if i want to go back into normal society you know like i don't know if i really want to to be that like absolute normal person you know that's the sick side of it though like it's like that you know playing between the two is there is there some attraction to the dark side of life and being a black sheep and all that kind of stuff i guess the adventure of it as messed up as that sounds like i i would never want to go through like the whole kidnapping the whole being drug thing like i've never want to go through that again but it's just like i guess like that adventure of you know drug seeking and doing drugs and like the kind of like attraction that that all has like the ritual of it that kind of has me keep coming back too because a lot of it i'm sure i could i could do it on my own you know i'm sure i can get clean on my own it's just some of that mental stuff is just still there and somebody like your mom would probably be like just just just straighten out and do this right exactly and it's just not in your personality to do that yeah i don't think so clean or not clean yeah yeah it's an interesting lifestyle isn't it it really it really is it really is like i never thought like when i was five years old like oh you're gonna you know possibly get somewhere kind of close in your life to where you wanna be and then you're going to like you know completely just back pedal and just go right into a swamp you know it's it's been something else shame and guilt and all that from it absolutely absolutely like i've done things that i did not want to do at all like i i have taken things from my parents that i would never dream to do and i feel so like i feel like a piece of [ __ ] like when my boyfriend talks about like oh i would never steal from my family and stuff like that i'm just like sitting there in the background like oh [ __ ] like i'm a piece of [ __ ] like i'm worthless like [ __ ] this is not cool that one sucks that one really hurts and there's nothing i can do to make that up to them like they want nothing to do with me like and then now being ostracized makes it even harder for you to deal with everything yeah your whole life i'd imagine yeah it's tough but i think with maintenance if i were to be put back onto like that maybe that same maintenance that i was at at tlc i feel like i could do it because it was like i don't know like i believe in medicine and therapy i really truly believe in that because you can't just talk things out all the time there's gonna have to be a little bit of a band-aid until you can get to that root of the problem and without that like it's been proven to me without that little bit of a band-aid i can't really get any further it's like a hamster wheel so hopefully i get that strength to kind of like you know say goodbye to all this and just try it one more time but i don't know when that's gonna be i hope it's soon because i'm 31 and i don't want to be six years old possibly in a tent you know i mean it's kind of not glamorous at all it's not yeah i want to have like that beautiful wedding one day and have a beautiful family and be able to have that really great life that like everybody sees and maybe get my cosmetology job back and be able to like cut hair and color hair and do the things i love to do it's like right now it's like i'm kind of just stagnant i don't want to go out and do anything because i don't feel like i look right like i don't even want to go out and be a stripper anymore like i just feel like i don't look right i'm just not there yet you know so what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in all of this wow [Music] like important lesson let's see to kind of like instead of do everything like learn through everything and by my own experience maybe you've just taken advice from elders and like hear and kind of see their experience and realize i don't need to go through that myself i wish i would have done that like i used to read nikki six's book the harem diaries and i was obsessed with it like so obsessed with it and it was all there right there like his diary entry is right there you know how he's so sick and he's ruining his life and he can't do these shows and this this and this and this and how it's not glamorous it's not like everybody thinks it was right there you know but no i'm like let me experience this myself let me do this my way and i'll probably figure out a way to do this it's like nobody nobody gets to do that nobody is a successful you know drug addict to the point of where like you know everything just works out great for them all the time it just doesn't doesn't happen all right adrian thank you so much for sharing your story thank you i wish you the best of luck with whatever you do from here thank you thank you very much thank you very much you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 304,279

Keywords:

Id: kLP_Z5nyYzo

Length: 36min 58sec (2218 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 28 2021