Captain Holt King Of Sass | Brooklyn Nine-Nine | Comedy Bites

[Music] captain wuntch good to see you but if you're here who's guarding Hades spot checks are done needless to say I'm thoroughly underwhelmed huh from your expression I would guessed constipated or chilly there's your CompStat report this is I move now walking is too close to dancing and there's no more advance on me plus I'm hoping my leg muscles will atrophy so I won't be tempted to use them I bet you feel real good about calling her dancing a hobby huh sarcasm the cowards lie the angel has a place upstate local sheriff says there's a car in the driveway right now it must be there okay they're gonna have to raid the place without us it'll take us two hours to get up there or we could Jam not taking a helicopter you know I was gonna say chopper look for altar I know you're having fun but a helicopter is exactly the kind of wasteful expenditure that wuntch will use to bury me if something goes wrong okay sir or is the kind of thing she'll crucify me for not getting you could've had a chopper Raymond why don't you take advantage just a minute my cauldrons boiling over so you both have the mumps sorry to say it's very contagious you may not want to be here detective oh it's cool I keep up to date on all my vaccinations I'm immune to stuff you've never even heard of but not immune to braggadocio how's it going with your sister sir but last night she told me in great detail about a fight she got into with her trainer whom she accused of stealing a hairbrush now she's on the phone screaming at our mother we'll keep her out of your hair I'm good at distracting people it's what I do with my toddler's all day long how does she feel about balloon animals I'm sure she has a complicated relationship with them what if she comes no balloon you don't believe moms take on this she thinks I'm the one who should apologize just cuz it turns out the hairbrush ended up being in my car yes I'd love to discuss your hairbrush for even more time but I have some pressing police matters to attend to get you always working what happened to my fun Big Brother fun I would never find you take that back I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it sir did you ask me they never should have made the movie Abu Dhabi I would don't bother Wow I'm gonna use that please do have a nice day are you ready for this one daddy's daughter Hannah's getting divorced hate to say I told you so but I told you so you know we should fix her up with her nieces son what's his name - dr. Oh Vince and he's not a doctor is a pharmacist although that might appeal to an kid and who should we fix him up with her Oh now sell you know I'm still getting over the tragic loss of my wife she was such a strong female woman with nice heavy breasts excuse me ma'am I was wondering if you could answer some questions about that car accident you witnessed this morning pin Lily's at SIA good maybe that's it what is she trying to tell us I don't know probably never meet your heroes coz they're gonna turn out to be friendly you need to get over this Marshawn Lynch situation real quick now we just have to figure out what language you speaking so we can find a translator here ma'am take a look at this map of the world yes keep one of those on you of course in case I ever need to prove my point in an argument Laos fine oh it was better than fine it was Laos so where you from uh where did you grow up where were you born 20 mime in there sir a child tying his tie I'm trying to do a simple half windsor so she knows I'm a baby look at this see how basic this not in I called the game real ray or fake ray and joining us is a very special contestant captain ray Holt himself [Applause] alright here's how the game works I will say a phrase you tell me if I made it up or if it's something that captain Holt actually said in real life to an actual human being I understand the logic of this game great phrase number one the futility of lighting candles only to blow them out immediately is just one reason I find children's birthday parties impractical all fake I say fake - I don't remember saying it so it must be fake it was real Jerry's kids at their birthday party I remember now okay another one all right phrase number two any smile that lasts longer than a second and a half is a con man's ruse all right sir I'm sorry that I got in the middle of your family business but I'm afraid I have to get in the middle of it again look if I don't talk about this a lot but I actually have had a difficult relationship with one of my parents yes your father you talk about it obsessively Wow I would say obsessively I mean share their time sir I wish she was there for me more but although right sorry you look in my experience the best thing to do in these types of situations is just talk about it that's not the relationship my mother and I have we're not open like that really because you're open with me only because you asked me of knowing intrusive personal questions all the time exactly you need to do that be the Jake in the conversation you want me to just say cowabunga mom yes awesome well it's not gonna happen alas we are not cowabunga people dismissed attention squad today is the most important day in the history of this precinct for today is Halloween I thought we were gonna say it together I never agreed to them all right as you may know for the past two years captain holt and I have engaged in an epic battle of wits the goal to determine who must call the other an amazing detective-slash-genius the first year by sheer dumb luck Jake eked out a feeble victory and last year I let the captain win because he's old and sad sad because the competition was so dismal is this meeting about something it's about everything no what no you were behind all this you played me like horse blue Haim plays the flute but how I've been planning this theft for three months I know but I've been planning it for a year last Halloween after you won the bed I went back to my office to do everyone's paperwork but I did no paperwork I started to plot my revenge I began by creating a word cloud but how could you possibly have known I was gonna try and steal your watch I know you were trying to take something important to me during the year I drew your attention to my watch you're eight minutes late you're 14 minutes late you're three minutes early in Chicago you annoyed me into stealing it exactly now you had a target but you needed a plan fortunately and walk through the door handcuffed to Diaz scumbag pickpocket is Dan McCreary you take anything off of anyone anything anyone the look on your face priceless I put McCreary into my employ immediately fast forward to this morning you commenced your plan McCreary stole my watch and then replaced it with the replica and while you celebrated McCreary put my watch back in my pocket the watch never left my person sergeant a member of the commissioner selection committee is coming in today to tour the precinct and do some interviews would you mind speaking with her of course Terry loves answering the horror questions oh he is I guess you don't have time to take off those ridiculous suspend you all right bad news captain a water main burst downtown there's been several injuries that's unfortunate and the victims are in our blah blah blah but Tom the real tragedy Terry Olivia Crawford aka your main commission competition tweeted a statement addressing the water main break and she's been retweeted by the mayor kudos to our brave officers it's in all caps anyway I don't see how this is bad news because the Commissioner raced like all of life is a popularity contest and olivia is sitting at the hot senior table whilst you are eating lunch alone if the mayor wants to make me the next NYPD Commissioner it'll be because of my record in my qualifications not my social media presence this is a serious job I know but like it or not the decision is political and social media is a part of politics now you need a Twitter account not gonna happen the whole thing is inane besides 140 characters is far more than anyone needs to make a point they actually upped it to 280 oh good god so Gina and I are worried about you you're drinking a second can of cells I need this to settle my nerves hurricane debbie is approaching my little sister Debbie she's a real drama queen the drama queen of the Holt family what did she laugh out loud one time she's laughed out loud multiple times sir you have a pretty low bar for what you consider drama once I used an exclamation point in the email you called me Diana Ross I assure you in this case I do not exaggerate Raymond here judge for yourselves you are oh my god my trip here from the train station hey I swear to you I heard the cab driver mumble under his breath you will go tonight is that not the most insane thing you have ever heard I'm kidding you you

Channel: Comedy Bites

Views: 4,327,558

Rating: 4.9425616 out of 5

Keywords: NBC, The Office US, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Michael Scott, Ron Swanson, Liz Lemon, Jake Peralta, Steve Carell, Nick Offerman, Andy Samberg, Tina Fey, brooklyn nine-nine, terry crews, stephanie beatriz, brooklyn nine nine, brooklyn nine nine backstreet boys, brooklyn nine nine bloopers, captain holt bone, captain holt marshmallow, captain holt hot damn, peralta and santiago, peralta and santiago first kiss, peralta proposes to santiago

Id: kDhsYABUjVc

Length: 10min 4sec (604 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 01 2019