(audience applauding) - Greetings all. You know what the
toughest part about being a gay, black police officer is? The discrimination. (audience laughing) - What? - Drum roll please. (slow tapping) That's your drum roll? - When a tempo isn't specified, any reasonable person
would default to lento. - Well, it's terrible and
you ruined a fun thing. - He wrote, "The number
eight, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign,
equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, capital 'd'. Oh, I see what this is. This is a--
- Yep. - Wow, that's... fantastic news. - She's worried about her
motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take
it out once a day, here. - I think you should do this,
you're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public. - Motorcycles are death machines, I have three kids, I'm not risking it. - Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to societies heteronormative
child-centric ideals? - Are you really playing
the gay card right now? - Yas queen. (keys jangling)
(fingers snapping) Pay no attention to him, Rosa. He's very emotional, Rosa. - Why are you saying my first name? - Well, Rosa, I read an
article in a medical journal that said one destabilizing
aspect of incarceration is the constant dehumanization, Rosa. You need to be reminded that you are more than
just a number, Rosa. You are Rosa... Rosa. - Yep, that fixes prison. - I've been on the phone six hours and I just want to cancel an account. Yes, you've mentioned the bundles and I don't want home phone service! No, do not transfer me Rodrigo. No, no! No Rodrigo! - Hey there Captain. Oh, is this your new assistant? - John Herbland, nice to meet ya. - And John Herbland has just been fired. - What?
- I have? - "Meet ya", you just
abbreviated a one syllable word. - [Jake] Is this for real? - Yes, now clean out your des. I removed the 'K' so you'd
understand how absurd ya sound. - [Jake] Oh boy. - Look him in the eye and
tell him what you did. - I didn't do it, Kevin. - Don't you say his name. No, Terry, I'm not mad at you, I know you didn't mean to do it. You just got hungry and that's the most
natural thing in the world. - I didn't take your pie. - You're lying! - I don't always
understand Peralta's texts. He says their still waiting on
the lab and "it's allz good." Alls with a "z". Then a box with a question mark inside, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark and yet, another box with a question mark, then, a box with a question mark. What does that mean? - It means you don't have
emoji's on your phone. - Good news is our evaluation will be done by Deputy Chief Brant. We have a good rapport,
he was once my Captain. - So, he's kinda like our Grand-captain. - That is amazingly funny. Oh, I've caused a problem. I think I am... getting a text message. Bloop. There it is. (sobbing) - Captain, get in here. - There, there. There, there. There. - I'm coming in. (sobbing loudly)
- Oh Boyle. - Thank you for this honor, Deputy Chief. - Oh, okay. You're welcome. - Lunch time is over. Boom! Did it! (laughs) Had it both ways. No regrets. Go Razzmatazz. Go Razzmatazz. Go Razzmatazz. - [TV Announcer] It's Bugle
Boy, winning by a head. - I lost everything. (gentle recorder music)
Now, the recorder is generally thought of
as a training instrument for children but, listen to her. In the hands of an expert
like Larum Layethgroom, the passion is... breathtaking. - Wait, before you say anything I wanna guess what happened
based on your face. Someone died? No, you won a prize! I'm not getting better at this. - The next chart shows the drop in the crime rate over the last month. (beeping) I just erased everything. Thank you.
- You're welcome. Team pop and lock, here we go.
(mimicking robotic noise) Come on, still? We saved your life. - Oh my god. Oh my god... it's happening. Yes, we did it!
(cheering) - Kitchen buds. - You all right, Captain? Tough weekend? - I went to Barbados with my husband. We wove hats out of palm fronds and swam with the sting rays. I've never been happier. - Guy's impossible to
read, don't even try. - That is, without question, the funniest story I've ever heard. - Mm, yeah. - Great, I hope there's a
lot of drug activity there. Of course, ideally, there will
be nobody taking drugs there or anywhere else in this district, but, if drugs must be
found, let it be there. Please God, let it be there. Resume the drill Timmy, and
do not do or say anything that a seven year old
boy would not do or say. Feel free to consult the
script I've prepared. - Okay, but, it's a little stilted. "I am feeling trepidation at the prospect "of a parentless existence." No kid talks like that. - Those lines were lifted,
verbatim, from my boyhood diary. Resume the drill! (singing) Duh, duh, duh. - What are you doing? - Nothing, just enjoying a taste of my favorite beverage, the soda pop. - Really? I've never seen you
enjoy a soda pop before. Have some now. (fake satisfied sighing) - It's delicious. Sergeant, I would like you
to meet Richard and Dan. They are puppies. - Very cute, sir. - Maybe your twins would like
some little furry friends? - I'm sorry, sir. But, that's impossible. With the twins learning how to walk, chaos reigns at the Jefford's household. I can't let those innocent
pups into that madhouse! Terry won't do ya like that! - I understand. Just know, you have disappointed... all three of us. - That's cold, sir. - Go. (clearing throat) - Marcus, I think we should break up. - That makes me feel sad. I am sad. - Your sadness is noted.
- I feel acknowledged. Thank you for breaking up with me. It will take me eight
minutes to collect my things. I think that went very well. - Hmm. - Great idea, take a breather. That was way too personal. No one needs to know you have sisters. New topic, the moons of Jupiter. - I think I might be pregnant. - Oh. Oh! Oh... no. I am good at emotion. (smooching) What the... - Fine, I'll say I'm sorry. - No, be sincere, like this. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. - Good, that's the one. - I've been craving Sudanese all day. I'll print out some menus. (thudding)
- Ouch. You ran over my foot. I am in incredible pain. - All right!
(group cheering) - Does anyone have a few
words they would like to say? - No one say anything, I want him to say stuff. Speech for Jake. Speech for Jake, go!
- Very well. Your six month absence was noted. Drinks are on me, there's a
two drink maximum per person. - Here he goes.
- It is nontransferable. You're guests will pay their own tab. - Oh, yeah.
- Valet parking is not included.
- Solid protocol. - Tomorrows briefing will be
15 minutes earlier than usual. - He's so bad ass.
- And I'm very proud of you Peralta. We missed you. - Aw, you ruined it. - No, no, I said millimeter. (loud laughing) - Okay, I'm gonna choke from laughter. You're too funny! - New plan. I'm gonna charm her. - Oh, no. - I'm sorry, I had to take that. - You gotta do what you gotta do. Captain Raymond Holt. What's up? (sultry music) - Well, how do you even
know he's in a bad mood? I mean, its impossible to read that guy. - This is the most
incompetent worthless report I have ever read in my life! Get your act together or so help me God, you won't live to see retirement! (door slams)
Good, he's gone. Now, lets get serious and focus up. (thumping and springing) Just trying to get to the printer. - (singing) Cream in my
coffee and rock and roll. - Peralta.
- Ah, Captain Holt! You look very... sad. I can never tell. - It must be very difficult. - Wait, are you crying? - Yes. Thank you for acknowledging my feelings. - Thank you for acknowledging mine. - We're both great at this. (crying and sniffling) - You look chipper, Captain. You have a fun weekend? - There was a small fire in my home. I lost many photo albums
of treasured memories. I'm devastated. - Any smile that lasts longer
than a second and a half is a conman's ruse. - Fake.
- That's fake. - That's a fake one. - I said it. And I meant it! (cheering) - Great work team! (upbeat music)
My favourite character currently on tv.
“I am a human male!”
I thought this was for Homicide. He was awesome in Homicide and much younger. Homicide was on in the late 90’s I think.