Mr. Joe Rogan,
everybody. Let him hear it. So I've done a lot of traveling
doing stand-up comedy, and one of the weird things
about traveling is, sometimes you have to stay
in hotels, most of the time,
all the time. Forget what I said earlier. All the time. And most of the time,
it's uneventful, but I was in a hotel fire once, and it's something
you never think about, you hear about occasionally
on the news, but when it happens,
it's a real freak out. It was in the middle
of the night. We'd gone to bed at about 2:00
in the morning, and about 4:30,
and I hear... [imitates alarm blaring] I jump up,
and I grabbed the alarm clock, and I--what button
do I have to push to stop this? [imitates alarm blaring] I'm thinking, "I'm gonna wake up
every [bleep]ing person "in this hotel. I can't believe how loud
I have this." I mean,
it didn't make any sense. I'm delirious.
I don't know what's going on. I'm in that weird dream state,
and I hear, "Attention, a fire has been
detected in the building. "Please evacuate immediately. "Do not use the elevators. Take the stairs." I don't even know
if this is real. It doesn't make sense. I don't know if it's
a recording. I don't know what's going on. But then the guy keeps the mic
keyed open, and you hear a woman
in the background going, "We've got to get these
[bleep]ing people out of here." [laughter] And I'm in my underwear,
so I'm like, "Okay, what do I need? I need clothes,
my laptop." I grab my shit,
and I'm thinking-- I'm on the 15th floor,
all right? It's an old-ass hotel. We're in the Clift Hotel
in San Francisco. It's Joey Diaz, Tom Segura
and me, okay? I don't know what room
they're in, but, you know, I know we're all on
the same floor somewhere, so I'm looking for them,
and it's a real mind [bleep]. I'm on the 15th floor. I'm like, "15 flights of stairs.
How long does that take?" ♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪ I'm going through it in my head.
How fast can I run? I didn't think about the other
people in the [bleep]ing hotel. There is a river
of sleepy travelers that I hit when I open my door. I'm like, "Oh, no, you [bleep]. "You mother[bleep]
aren't urgent. There's not urgency
in your movement." There's a thin veil
of civilization that goes on when you're in a real
natural emergency, because it's a [bleep]ing
freak out. We get to the stairwell. San Francisco is an old city, and they have these
really old hotels that were designed
when people were tiny. They didn't get any food. They were these little,
tiny people. So I'm not a big guy,
but I get into this stairwell, and I'm like,
"This is [bleep]ing ridiculous." And it's one of those things
that they don't do anymore, where you can see
the whole way down. So as you're going down, you could see everybody
below you, and they're looking up, and it's this [bleep]ing river
of people, and no one's going fast. And then I start realizing
that a lot of these [bleep]ing people look like
they're sleepwalking. [laughter] And then I start thinking
about Ambien, because if you don't know, 39 million Americans
take sleeping pills on a nightly basis,
okay? And I never thought about that
until I had to deal with it. Most of the time, I go, "Oh,
well, you need to go to sleep. Whatever.
I don't give a [bleep]." But you do give a [bleep] when
you're in a [bleep]ing hotel, and all of sudden,
everyone is sleepwalking. If you've never experienced
this before, people who are on Ambien, they just do shit
while they're sleeping, and they don't know
they did it. You can just wake them up
and push them, and they just keep going
and figure out what to do. It's a very strange thing. I have a friend who takes it
every night. He can't not take it,
but he needs sleep so badly that he's willing to, like,
forget that he did shit. He made a [bleep]ing turkey. [laughter] Okay? This is not enough to get him
to quit doing Ambien. He got up in the middle
of the night, decided he was making a turkey,
went downstairs, preheated the oven,
drove to the supermarket, bought a turkey, came home,
stuffed it, made mashed potatoes
and gravy, cooked it, ate it,
went to sleep, got up,
and called the police. [laughter] He goes, "Someone broke into
my house and made a turkey." They're like,
"Do you take Ambien?" "Yes,
but that's not the point." No,
it's a [bleep]ing terrible drug. It's a weird thing. Taking sleeping pills
is a dangerous thing. So I'm in this hotel where you're entering
into the stairwell. Just this funnel
of [bleep]ing people, and some of them
were in slippers, and some of them
were in bathrobes, and everybody is [bleep]ing
walking really slow. And we hit the stairwell,
and we start going, and I see the smoke. As you're looking down,
you're seeing smoke. It's, like,
maybe ten floors down, like, maybe second, third floor,
and I'm like, "[bleep]. "Where is this fire? "What if I [bleep]ing see fire? What do I do if I see fire?" You don't want to be
the first guy to freak out, but you don't want to be the
last guy to freak out either. So there's that thing like,
"When go time is there, you've got to be ready
for go time." Nobody else is ready
for go time. People start [bleep]ing
waking up on the stairs. You could see them in the middle
of the stairway just going, "What are we doing?
What are we..." Waking up in the middle
of walking down the stairs in [bleep]ing fire in a hotel. And this guy, he goes,
"What's going on?" The wife goes,
"We're in a hotel fire." He goes,
"A hotel? Why are we in a hotel?" [laughter] These people are just walking
down the stairs waking up as their going, and you could tell the real
old-school Ambien junkies, 'cause they're used to waking up
in the middle of doing shit. And this one guy,
he grips the railing, looks around,
and just keeps going. [laughter] You can tell. He's like,
"Okay, we're doing this. This is what we're doing." So we're walking down
the stairway, and I'm really starting
to panic, 'cause I'm, like, everybody could move
a lot faster. And there's a space
between their head and the stairway above,
and I'm like, "If I could just get in
that space, I can make some
[bleep]ing progress." But you don't want to be
the first guy to step on people's head,
so I'm like, "Okay, keep it together. Keep it together;
keep it together, 15 floors." I have kids, okay? I'm starting to [bleep]ing
really freak out. And then one guy decides
to stop the line. He grabs the rail,
and he goes, "Do we even know
where we're going?" And you see everyone
just sort of just rise up behind this guy,
and everyone's thinking just murderous,
chimpanzee thoughts. It's just the deep,
primal part of your brain that wants to survive. And that was the guy
that I focused on for the whole rest of the time
we came down the stairs, 'cause I said,
"That's my guy. The moment I see fire, I'm gonna punch through
that dude's asshole, pull out his skeletal system, and wear him as a fire suit
to run to safety. That's my plan. I'm like, "I am not
[bleep]ing burning to death 'cause I'm in a hotel
with a bunch of sleepy bitches." And I'm also thinking
the whole time, "How the [bleep] is Joey Diaz
getting in this staircase?" That's part of what
I'm thinking. So, you know, I love my friend,
so I get outside, and I'm looking for Joey. We get outside. It turns out
it wasn't really a fire. It turns out it was a bunch
of drunk assholes who just set off
the fire extinguisher, which is really good
that nobody freaked out, 'cause the last thing is-- you want to be outside
when they go, "There was no real fire," while you're wearing
a dude's skin. [laughter] And you're like,
"I'm such a dick. I'm really sorry
about all this." Right when they said
there's no fire, everybody goes,
"Where's Joey? Where's Joey?" Joey Diaz comes around
the corner, and he's holding a joint. And I go,
"How did you get outside?" He goes, "I took the elevator,
like a doctor." [laughter] Thank you very much.
You guys have been awesome.
His woman's voice is straight out of Pablo Francisco.