Bill Burr - Best Moments In Talk Shows

so you want to go with the 22 caliber right perfect on to the shoot in the house to low caliber gun you can't really kill anybody from a distance you know so if they take a hostage you can just start shooting at them perfect on the road I talked about getting a 22 everybody makes fun of me you know cuz they you know it's that guy thing like oh well you're gonna shoot a squirrel well you little you know gun but if you're ever in a house that that's what you want little 22 you know I'm basically teaching you guys how to kill somebody I think so it's the 22 you think it's superior to the way you don't to get a lot of a vacuum cleaner 44 Magnum it's like you're gonna shoot through the guy through the wall blow your dog's brains out like drop the engine out of your car way too much little 22 you can still hear if you miss long story short Hugh Jackman plays the part of Gary Hart and he was he was amazing and I had a really fun scene where we were tailing him we were chasing him down this alley and he's like the nicest guy ever but he's a big guys like 640 he's ripped and we went down the alley and he and his characters mad at our character and he just turned around and looked at us and for half a second I was like oh that's Wolverine [Music] what's funny in the scene is though as a reporter I have like a notebook and I dropped it and after the screening we went to the Toronto Film Festival and all these actors are coming out to me I love the choice you made I love the choice you made to drop the notebook I go now dude that was real I was like how much admission scandal it's just no win it but you uh you have a you're a licensed helicopter pilot yes so it was true how long has this been the case I get it 2014 or 2015 I can't remember what made you want to become a licensed helicopter pilot conspiracy theory and living in Los Angeles what is the conspiracy theory that led you to it well I'm not into like you know people think of you in a conspiracy theory they just automatically think that you think you know you think there's lizard people in shapeshifters and you know you have a soul I'm had on no I just sort of read up on the banking system and I'm like this is kind of a giant Ponzi scheme and you know I was living in LA and I was just looking at it's like you can't get out of this city even when it works like what if it ever hit the fan how do I get out of here and it just seemed like up and out was the only way to do it so ya know so again think you know yeah but then I always watched magnum p.i and always liked ICI and he flew that huge 500 which I thought was cool and so then and I'm also sort of a closet gearhead where I don't know a lot of stuff but I watch videos of people repairing engines and I just really got into it next say no I'm flying around in Leslie I guess my question would be though based on your escape plan do you have your own helicopter no it's a lot there's a lot of holes in it this is not enough for your family you said you're a sports fan were you excited about that were you rooting for the with the Cubs I flipped like 10 times because I love Cleveland I also love Chicago and the 34 30 on Steve Bartman kind of soured me on Cubs fans because they really had that whole mr. Smith goes to Washington sort of like you know heroes like you know wait let's play too and you know we went to him we lose some and then you just see what they did to that kid it's like oh these are the same but the kid that it tried to catch a ball with 12 other people that for some reason didn't get in trouble they all think this guy was it landed on him and I just looked down like you guys at this these are the same pieces who vote for the Red Sox roof for the Yankees you're all the same people so now I was like yeah I'll root for the Indians then they went up three games to one and all of a sudden Indian fans started talking trash saying how they were gonna be a dynasty or something like that they would they were Titletown and I was like to hell with Cleveland I'm really like I'm just like a contrarian yeah I getting that sense Mary Mike it's enjoyable you need to be medicated you need to be out here when Hillary loses right like I wouldn't want to be in Kentucky when Hillary loses and everybody skipping around that's boring you know the whole thing is just like about annoying people like when people tweet it's very easy to piss off one side the art is right you got to try to get everybody so you tweet stuff like Trump is such a dope he's actually gonna make me vote for a woman not everyone you know Ariel out of a box what what cereal so basically what happened was a lot of empty seats where I was up cuz StubHub was gouging people so bad people just stayed home so there was all these empty seats behind us really but my buddy was taking his biz beer empty beer cans was sticking him there and this guy I don't know he had a problem with it and he's in rather than just being hey do you mind my wife and kid got to get by can you just ba ba ba ba he just immediately went to hey was there something wrong with the bottom of your chair and then it escalated and then I pulled the ladies line which usually diffuses it I was like ladies ladies doesn't shake my hand my Boston anger comes up and I'm just talking loudly about West Coast fans forgetting that I'm a bald 50 year old man that's gonna get thrown off the upper deck and finally after ending a half a mile at the World Series and I'm mad at this idiot behind me what do I care okay what do I care about this guy you know he's not gonna hurt us is four of us you know he was like 80 pounds overweight so watching a fall on us he's gonna do so I went down to get a beer when I came back he was mean-mugging me the whole way uh-oh really he's with his wife and kid no yeah you know look like you just got out of Denny's and he's looking at me like he's got it something so my eyes are starting to go but I refuse to get glasses so I'm sitting at like as I'm walking up like this guy looking at me so you know when you have old eyes you got to look away and then look back so I did that now he thinks I'm soft like oh I got it something happened on the walk up to him I was just like I'm not doing this anymore it's just like dude come on man I gotta respect the Dodgers I love you guys I'm sorry put that thing can we can we just crush and squash this right so I got to do the fist bump and he literally he's so immature like like emotionally that when he went to do the fist bump he didn't even move his hand up he just had in his lap and he just kind of went like this you know you're like when a toddler goes to wave for the first time they don't lift their arm up they just do just imitate me like that like did that hit the fist pump and then we will find so I think I figured something out would because there's an overlap with Irish guys and Mexican dudes as far as like a disconnect like you have like this anger and like I think like when you meet a four year old Mexican dude you got to do the math that's like meeting a 60 year old Irish guy in therapy years like they're like they're even more hardcore stay in that face ten people with flamethrowers and not even flinch be like what I'm not backing down you gotta get on me out so I gave him the alcohol squashed it and they may be my buddy the angers boss Boston guy next to me after as he walked out he was just like dude how did you do that how did you do that just like well you know I've been married for five years losing fights all the time so I just learned this and congratulations on the baby you just had the baby yeah Friday morning I did my wife dude I didn't uh I didn't do anything I felt unbelievably useless I was in total panic mode when I dropped her off at the emergency room she goes all right you got to go park the car down in the in the in the spot and I swear to god I was in such fight or flight I was I was driving down there this voice my head just said just keep going just like a Bruce Springsteen song about that going get cigarettes and you just there's something hilarious about people abandoning their family we're like like the hell that you would be in to do that move but just knowing you were gonna do it like the level of excitement that you would have before like okay I'm gonna I'm gonna go get some cigarettes I'm never gonna see you people again your mother in law all of this stuff is over the grave site to move to Canada crashed do you think people are gonna really move to Canada you think so many people here the rents too high and all that just thin it out give us a little negotiating thing and then what's gonna be funny up there it's not gonna be Michael Moore's Canada what he said though you keep your doors unlocked and everybody's drinking syrup and it's yep he didn't he didn't say everyone's drinking zero everybody of color that tried to make it playing hockey up there listen to the stories they have you and Alabama know do you think the debates had any impact at all we had to watch so many debates do you think it had any impact on the election no I think you up people already made up their mind like I was dying laughing by the fourth one I was just like who are these people sitting there in the fourth debate going like well I don't know but well that was a good point but then again there is that it's like you knew who you were voting for no you knew from day one sorry what about the angle there was a lot coming from the Hillary Clinton camp that Trump is bad for children and they had a lot of ads that said you know children are watching this guy oh we all know duck children five and six years old they're always tuning into the debates Watergate like it was unbelievable I said yeah I was like three years old just taking it in yeah that was just like wow this guy's gonna get impeached I can't this is the most amazing thing that's happened and my three-year-old so as a child you were not that interested in politics and you don't think children are in general I I don't I know there's so much stuff that's going it's a really weird time I just hope people stop yelling at each other and there's a bunch of just a crazy stuff out there that's yeah I'm a loner man I don't like people so that like no I don't ya just Fifth Avenue during Christmas time you can thoughts that go through my head I just want to chop that tree down and watch it land on people No wasn't gonna stick to that I was fried we tried and tried let you play drums so that was fun wasn't it it went right in the tank yeah right in the tank I got a trash people are it doesn't work doesn't fix it hard playing yourself as an actor no that's what I've been doing my entire limited acting career like real actors are like Anthony Hopkins where he played that serial killer and salads of the land of electors yeah and then like the next move that should have ended his career like you should never been able to see who's anybody else and then the next movie he played like John Quincy Adams and he was literally John Quincy Adams my buddy saw this thing one time John Travolta was talking about like just the walks he's like Vinnie Barbarino walked this way Vincent Vega walked this way like you know whatever the guy from get shorty walks this way and I just met with to hearing that going through all my characters walk like me they all have a Boston accent they all look like that I just I am like I just I'm trying to be believable yeah as yourself yeah it's basically the the least amount of work you could possibly do as a performer about parenting in the 70s and that's you know that was when I was parented like you what do you think of parents now how do you compare them to parents in the 70s oh that's just completely the kids have so much power it's like ridiculous like half of these kids I'm like I look and I just have what happened to me and I'm like looking at a kid and be like this kid's about ready to get punted across the grocery store and it just never happens right they just they just don't get hit and I think it's hurting your battery your wait a minute let's get this lit cuz you're mad that children are not being this should be the threat of it half of it was just it look it was just your dad was acting like he was gonna do it he never did it but your mother did and because cuz she was a woman it was like okay cuz it's like yeah you know you let a girl beat you if you kind of felt emasculated yeah what's what's going on here did you did you buy Alexa no I don't know why people would voluntarily bug your own house like do you think you're the only one listening in on that you never saw weird science how creepy these nerds are all these cameras on your phone all of that the people go on ancestry.com why would you send you saliva into the Internet why would you do that why don't you just go to the Illuminati and help them build your robot replace it I get if you're like african-american you know yet they made them change the names you don't know where you're from but if you're white I just the most arrogant thing ever like you know what you are basically don't you like hops fully yourself are you like I just have to figure out this recipe because I am a hoot 2% Portuguese I knew I liked peppers too much so far in your opinion about being a being a dad uh I actually like going to the park with my daughter pushing her on the swing you know all that and then also at her first birthday party I realize how lucky I was to have a girl because they just sort of chill out and take things in and I saw the little boys they're like maniacs they're like throwing stuff ripping like literally watching my daughter she just kind of waves hi at everybody and the boys would come up just rip toys out of her hands it was like breaking my heart cuz she's she's you know she's so innocent she hasn't met an [ __ ] yet so like it's sort of like this Oh what was that vibe and then the boys you know that Klieman are they throwing rocks down on the car it was like Braveheart every time I told him it's like you guys you got to stop doing this and then also you can't you can't tell other people's kids not to do stuff right so you got to kind of like be loudly like hey he's climbing up on the utility pole and kind of hope that somebody does something we're back in the day you could yell at people's kids and I think that that needs to come back and that's what's holding back this country at some point you gotta be take it off hey I said don't do that and then you got to be like hey look you little [ __ ] you know that's my car yeah I'm throwing rocks on it yeah yeah boy I throw you over the wall you're not gonna do it but you scare him a little now as a comedian yeah it's like the walls it's like you're in this walk-in closet of what could be funny it meanwhile there's like a swirl of trash with every toothbrush he ever used spinning around the Pacific Ocean nobody cares god forbid you teased the Navy a little bit and people have liked it like a conniption well what did you say about the military that got people so mad or this one guys I was just saying like yeah the guy who flies the fighter jet okay and has missiles shot and that guy is a hero however if you're the guy that like points in the direction that the plane takes off and you don't think that guy the guy who points in the direction is yeah the guy doing warrior one like the yoga pose like the battlefield is that way no but everything has just become that it's just become like this oh this you know that whole first-responder thing you know all these like old words you have to say it's so stupid I'm a first responder I love that one it's like dude I called you I saw the fire

Channel: BDZ

Views: 6,170,419

Keywords: bill burr, usa, comedy, comedian, american, funny, compilation, talk show, best moments, conan, jimmy, kimmel, fallon

Id: GsO92EQxEYo

Length: 16min 26sec (986 seconds)

Published: Tue May 07 2019