Louis C.K. - Best Moments In Conan

when I took my dog to the bed the first time she was a I don't know a year old when I adopt her and the vet told me don't let your dog eat dark chocolate I don't know if you know this but I've heard this that yeah it's dark chocolate supposed to be poisoned a dog kills him and vets won't explain it further either it's like why does it kill him oh just say die like they won't tell you what like what do I do if my dog eats dark chocolate watch her die or leave the room but the the vet did tell me there's one thing you can do which is give your dog hydrogen peroxide and that foams up in the dog's belly and then they throw it up with the chocolate that's what you should know to do that but you got doing quickly before they ingest the chocolate all right so I come home like six months later sure enough my dog a dark chocolate I had friends would stayed over and they didn't know they left dark chocolate in low places [Laughter] I could put it on this high shelf I may be crawling on the floor later I might not need a snack so what so you know my dog and your dog eating the whole big bar of dark polish chocolate the Polish part doesn't matter but I like saying Polish chocolate and my dog had chocolate on her face and and I went oh my god and she looked at me like I was home for an hour alone what are you gonna you know come on and I was like you're gonna die and she's looking at me like I don't understand English but I get that you're upset hydrogen peroxide into this dog but I don't have any so I've got to go to the pharmacy and she needs to come with me cuz there's no time I'm in New York City and I take my I put the leash on her she's like excited we're going for a walk and I'm running and she's like this is great for you you never exercises she's just enjoying it and then we get to the pharmacy and she's waiting for me when I come out and I've got a bottle of hydrogen peroxide that I have to make her drink yeah like take yourself through that how do you make a dog like you just here drink this you know so I kind of wore a little in her snout and she goes like that and so I kind of grabbed her at Portland once she she goes I think I was pretty clear that I didn't like that like she looks at me like what's going on here and so I get my whole body around her this dog was 70 pounds she was like an alligator if she didn't want a dress on she's just thrashing on my trinket and at one point I have her on the end of the leash and she's looking at me all wet and on the face and she gives me this look like I don't know what happened to you but our thing is over I'm a dog and she starts going her she became completely vicious just trying to bite me and I'm trying to save her life yeah so I'm literally I'm punching her in the face in the Sun and people I look and there's hundreds of people in the sidewalk just cars stopping there she's gonna die I'm like it was a nightmare and finally I got enough in up her nose and whatever and she was like dude and then she just like a pump just move and just bring ahead yeah Brown like she's like another dog is coming out of her and she made it but she never liked me my car one time and a Bruce Springsteen song comes on and it may be really says like jungle what the one jungle jungle and this one where he goes home and he sounds far away and it's really far away sounding can you do it with the reverb can you do know yeah they're not doing it you know I try that so except for with Springsteen if it was you doing that I would have been like the hell's on my radio I did it just the same first and I heard it and it gave me kind of like a fall back-to-school depression feeling made me really sad yeah and I'm getting sad I've got to get the phone and write hi to like 50 people and then you know so many cool writes back and then somebody not as cool writes after an I'm like phone [Laughter] hey how come you didn't answer my texts [Applause] right cuz he wrote he wrote first so anyway I started to get that sad feeling I was reaching for the phone then I said you know what don't just be sad just let the sad adjust stand in the way of it and let it hit you like a truck and I let it come and bruise her and I just started to feel who my god and I pulled over and I just cried like a [ __ ] I cried so much and I and it was beautiful it was like this beautiful is just this the sadness is poetic you're you're lucky to live sad moments and then I've had happy feelings cuz it cuz when you let yourself feel sad yes your body has like antibodies it has happiness that comes rushing in rushing in to meet the sadness so you're I was grateful to feel sad and then I met it with true profound happiness it was such a trip you know and the thing is because we don't want that first bit of sad yeah we push it away with like a little phone third for the food and you get you get a little kind of you never feel completely sad or completely happy you just feel kind of satisfied with your product yes and then you die so that's why I don't want to get up being back in New York reminds me how New Yorkers do not hide their emotions and your hero a lot obviously and I find that to be quite refreshing a little scary sometimes but very refreshing it's nice because when people are all acting nice you got it assume that they're lying human nature's to be a little bit all the time you know but I like I was in a I was watch I was in a shopping for groceries and I looked over and there was a woman standing over there and as I looked over she looked away in a way that I knew she'd been looking at me the whole time and she went like like that just looking at me like uh and then I'm walking in another aisle same store and some guy saw me and he looked me up and down I went ah and I was like I know but how do you know you know what's coming through so anyway then I was on the subway and I'm standing on the subway knife to stand up to show you I'm standing on the subway like this this is me on the subway and there's a person here you know this is my corresponding you get yours the stander and there's your sitter look or at dhikr they're just right there I mean that's what they have no choice they're sitting like this and you're standing over I mean women are decent and they stand like sideways we just go like hey but anyway he's instead usually they tune out your dick like this but he's looking right at it right here so he's looking and he's kind of looking at it like what's up with that yeah and then he looks up at me and he goes and that's not that makes me uncomfortable and then he goes points right at my dick and then I realized I looked down at my fly is open not only not only is it open its aggressively it's like it's not like a pants like I slit like a pants vagina it's like a like a grizzly bears [ __ ] that would be okay so I decided I don't want to be on the internet anymore I don't like the way it feels anymore especially on my in my hand the devices I don't like this thing that I stare into this thing and it just it makes me feel upset and I look at things that I know we're gonna upset me you know I guess I just like the hit from going oh yeah you know like I'll go on my computer and I'll like Google an image I don't want to see so then I see a whole wall of it yeah you know a big dicks with nails in them sir you're gonna have to leave the library anyway so I decided I don't want and also what do you don't know well I have kids two daughters and I sometimes I'll be with my daughter and she's talking to me and we're talking and then bringing my phone goes bling so I'll just go down like this and my kids are nice people so they just wait but I started to realize a few things one thing I realized in life is that you can't just go by how a person reacts you you can't just go like it's alright with her right because she's my kid but she dies inside every time I do this because she thought she had a real connection you and then something gling yeah I mean that happens like if you're talking to a person and then they just go like this they just they just disappeared yeah it's a horrible abandonment and when it's your father just like aha is that right honey LOI I'm not doing my job if I don't ask you about the election it's just a week away you want to talk about it who are you supporting I'm gonna vote for Hillary because and it's stupid to say cuz I'm a performer and so you lit my audience in half but I I think she's great it's not a sight like a lesser of two evils I think she's great I really like I think she's really talented and I think she's super smart and I think she's done this for I'll take her over anybody there really isn't some it's not because of between the two of them I would take her over any anybody else who would do it and to me it's really exciting to have the first mother in the White House that's what I think this is not about the first woman it's about the first mom what is it about make about a mom because a mother she's got it a mother just does it she's got your cheat sheet she feeds you and teaches you she protects you a father we've had two hundred and forty years of fathers yeah father after footballs father fat father every kind of father and fathers are okay I'm a father your dad you're a great father can give a kid 40 percent of his needs top tops out of 40 percent yes yes any mother is optimistic optimistic any mother but just a mother like just a not even trying mother 200% like she can do to like what's the last conversation you had with your mom was probably Maud all right yeah it's enough like they just yeah they just keep so to me she's like guy says it's exciting to think about I'm excited about this election cuz it cuz she I don't want it to be the other guy just get look if huge vote I have no problem anybody post for Trump if that's your ideology you know although four more years of the I don't know if we can do because this is for and more years of a guy who can't be criticized what's more important than about a president then that you can bail over them that's what presidents are for yeah guys shucks like that's the point of the president is to get drunk and blame them for everything yes use them of this guy every time he's criticized everything stops and he makes everybody pay yeah we need somebody who can take abuse yes Hillary Clinton can take abuse going on we've been hazing her we've been holding her down and spitting in her mouth and yelling at her and she just gets up and goes well I just think that if children have proper health care so I'm totally in for her Louie you have you want people yes

Channel: BDZ

Views: 1,098,637

Keywords: Louis ck, louis, louis c.k., ck, c.k., comedian, comedy, conan, talk show, compilation, best, moments, louis c.k. - best moments in conan, funny, appearances

Id: qNbQ0DGVdMM

Length: 12min 59sec (779 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 22 2018