You know that
one teacher that everybody has that nobody respected? You know, everybody just knew, first day
of class everybody just knew. You just looked at each other,
all the kids, and nonverbally they were just like. With their
minds they'd be like, we're going to fuck with him until he
quits right? Thank you everybody. So if you donít know,
here's what the show is. It's just a bunch of funny people
telling 100% true stories. Tonight's topic is childhood.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ari Shaffir. So, I got this
Facebook message from this girl [bleep] [bleep] once. And by the
way, I'm going to say this name [bleep] [bleep] a lot in this
and they're going to bleep it every time on television. But
you guys should just all know that when you hear a bleep
that's because I'm saying the name [bleep] [bleep].
So I got this Facebook message. You ever get a Facebook message
from somebody that's like from high school or something, "Well,
hey, we drifted apart." And you're like, "I know, we did it
on purpose. Why are you ruining what we built up for so long?"
So [bleep] [bleep] wrote me and she goes, "Ari I noticed you
have a lot of Twitter followers Facebook friends and I'm in some
online contest to win a trip to the Superbowl and if you tell
them all to vote for me in this online contest I could win this
trip to the Superbowl." And my first thought was, "Go
fuck yourself. I barely even know you, no fucking way." But
since I barely knew her, I felt super obligated to do everything
she asked of me. You know that weird dynamic. Where like, like
if your best friend asked you for a ride to the airport. Your
best friend. You can be like, "You can get a ride to lick my
asshole. There's a shuttle leaving every four minutes right
there. Just cut it under there, it needs licking." But, no, I'll
never take you to the airport. You can go fuck yourself. Eat a
plate of shit. I'd rather watch you eat a plate of shit than
ever take you to the airport. In fact, now you know what now, if
I happen to see you at the airport I'm going to punch you
in the dick so you associate me and the airport with bad
thoughts together. That's your best friend. Like if somebody
you met at work like a month ago, if they asked you for a
ride to the airport then it's super uncomfortable. How do you
say no to that? It's always like, "Um, uh." You thought
you'd think of any excuse possible. You're like, "You
know, I work nights." "Oh, it's a daytime thing? Uh, I guess
we're going to the airport!" There's just no way around it.
So I didn't know if I should say yes or no to [bleep]
[bleep]. So, here's what I thought. I thought that I'll
look back to when I liked her the most and if I would do it
for that person, then I would still help her. I'll tell
everybody to fucking vote for her in this online contest. And
so when I liked [bleep] the most, when I liked her the most
was the ninth grade. She was the hottest girl in my ninth grade
class. Like by far the hottest one. She always wore a miniskirt
which, to an all Jewish school meant she wore it like right on
the line. That was as low as you were allowed to go. Most girls
wore it sock or below. Not this slut, uh uh. Rockin' some knee
at thirteen. She was so fucking hot, man. That was as high as
you were allowed, too. We had this rule where if a
Rabbi, if a Rabbi saw a girl in a miniskirt, he would just yell
out the word "knees". He would just go, "Knees!" And she would
have to get on her knees in front of the Rabbi. [crowd
laughs] It's not sexual, you guys. It's not a Catholic
school, it's a Jewish school. Relax. What, "oh?" Who's still
Catholic, by the way? Enough. What else are you waiting for?
Like what other sign do you need to not be Catholic anymore? I'm
not saying don't be Christian, you can keep being Christian,
but just join another Jesus club. There's like thirty
different Jesus clubs, right? They're all pretty much the same
shit. Love Jesus and hate the Jews. Is that pretty much?
Except one of the clubs loves to rape children. Don't be a part
of that club anymore. And if you're like, "Oh, are you just
hearing about this right now? Am I just breaking the news to
you?" Yeah, its been going on for a while. "For like months?"
Even longer than that. Like 1,500 years, continuous child
rape. It's totally trending. Be Protestant, be Methodist,
whatever. Be Mor-. Don't be Mormon, obviously not. But like,
be one of the other ones. My friend, Steve, he's
a Catholic and I tell him this all the time Iím like, "Dude,
you gotta.." And he goes, "Ari, I get what you're saying. I
understand what you're saying. You have to understand,
tradition is really important to me and my grandfather was raped
here and I want one day for my.." Alright. Anyway,
it was nothing sexual. Our rule was if they were on the ground
and the skirt didn't touch the ground it was considered
immodest. It was a half day suspension. See the difference
there? See the two religions? On one hand, you have a half day
suspension, nobody wants that. Okay, so anyway. So
[bleep] [bleep], she would sit in the front of our class with
her skirt on and she would let it ride up to around there. And
I would just sit in the back just staring at her with a boner
in my chin and these weird feelings I didn't understand.
Just like I liked her, man. She was hot. I liked her.
So we had this math class taught by this guy named Mr. Sager and
Mr. Sager was that one teacher. You know that one teacher that
everybody has that nobody respected? You know, everybody
just knew, first day of class everybody just knew. You just
looked at each other, all the kids, and nonverbally they were
just like. With their minds they'd be like, we're going to
fuck with him until he quits right? I mean, it's obvious.
Mr. Sager, the only thing he ever did wrong, he had
a deep voice and a little bit of a lisp. That was it. He'd be
like, "The x-axis meets the y-axis." And we were like, "Oh
yeah, you're fucked. How dare you try to teach children?" So
one day, Mr. Sager, he was turned around, he was writing on
the chalkboard, like this. And I figured out, that if you take a
rubber band, if you tie it around your fingers, if you then
take a half a paperclip, if you hook it on the rubber band and
pull back, you've got a weapon, you've got a gun. It's as close
as the Jews got to gang violence. Like this is it. And I
was pointing it at Mr. Sager. I was never going to do anything;
I was just pointing it at him trying to get [bleep [bleep]
attention. You know, like, "Aha, woohoo, look at me! Class clown.
I'm not learning and just being a badass." But then as
I was doing it, my fingers, they started getting real sweaty. So
it was like getting hard to hold onto the paperclip and I was
point it right at Mr. Sager. Like, "Uh oh, this is bad." And
I didn't know what to do and if I knew anything at all about
tensile strength I would have realized like, oh, I could just,
I could just do that and itís not a problem at all anymore.
Completely negated, just like that, it's over. But that was
the lesson I was missing on the chalkboard right then so I was
like, "I don't know how to handle this situation and math
is stupid, by the way." And so I thought maybe, "Do you go away
from the target? Does that make sense?" Yeah." As soon as I was
like, "Nope, thatís wrong." And I couldn't hold on anymore and
the paperclip just shot out of my fingers and went right at Mr.
Sager, no arch at all, like a straight line through the air.
It made that noise. You know, like, "[inaudible]." Like
it made that. And it hit him, it hit him right in the back of the
head right where the ear meets the head. It hit him right here
and it drew a little beat of blood. Yeah, sick shot, right?
We're talking back of the classroom trying not to let go.
Never miss a target. So, Mr. Sager, he goes, "Ow, who
did that?" And he starts to turn around and he looks at the
class. And you know the rule; you know the code of conduct in
high school. Nobody ever rats on anybody, so nobody's going to
say a word; nobody's going to talk about it. But then, Mr.
Sager, he starts upping it, he starts going, "If nobody tells
me who did that, nobody is leaving this class. You'll all
be late for your next class." And all these little Jew-lick
kids, they start thinking, I can see them murmuring to each other
like, theyíre like, "Wait, if I get a tardy on my record, am I
not getting into Harvard Business School?" They start
wondering, "I don't know Ari that well. Do you know him? I'm
not even friends with him. I never played football with him.
Why would I even suffer for him?" And then [bleep] [bleep],
this kike heed. I think my favorite line in all of
comedy. She raised her hand up and she goes, "Ari did it." And
I'm like, "Motherfucker." And I got sent to the principal's
office, I got suspended for five days. [inaudible] No, I should
have been, dude. You can't shoot a teacher in the face and get
away with that, gotta set a precedent down. It was the worst
trouble I've ever gotten in though. My parents thought I was
a bad kid after that. They made me see a therapist for like two
years. The whole time I was like "My fingers got sweaty, that's
all that happened." Anyway, twenty-two years later,
I got a Facebook from [bleep] [bleep] saying, "Can you help me
win a trip to the Superbowl?" And I just wrote back, "Why
donít you ask Mr. Sager for help?" It felt so good.
