Jimmy Carr: Live (2004) - FULL LIVE SHOW

[Music] well thanks very much but before we even before we even start i suppose i better warn you uh that in my act there is a certain amount of bad language i'm not talking about split infinitives there will be some swearing and there is some material of a sexual nature so if you are offended by rude or crude material for heaven's sake don't be a [ __ ] about it i was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago i got talking to a girl in the front right i asked her name she said it's potaka i said that's an unusual name you don't hear that every day do which you reply actually i do i don't know does anyone in here use vodafone products by any chance anyone mainly people over there i imagine that's where the reception is best i don't use vodafone products so not because they're not good products i'm sure they're reasonably priced i'm sure they work reasonably well um but i don't use them because i don't like their advertising slogan let's join the world's largest mobile community now correct me if i'm wrong that's the gypsies no offense to you if you want to dress in that manner and live in a lay by it's very much up to you can't believe you went like that well done good what's your name scott scott well don't feel bad about everyone laughing at his car it's fine you and i both know they all need clothes pegs oh yeah they'll always be work for people like scott to avoid my father used to say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger until the accident feminist and you may agree with this you may not feminist say a woman's work is never done maybe they've got themselves organized it'll be better it's a bit of an icy day you give me there matter what you've got to understand is that's post-modern misogyny that joke is in fact steeped in irony so don't you worry your pretty little head about it i had one of those serious relationship conversations the other week with my girlfriend when she sat me down and talked at me for about six hours i hadn't realized until then that when a man says he is spoken for that is quite literally what he means she said to me she said jimmy we're at a crossroads in our relationship down one road is hard work and commitment but ultimately happiness and down the other road well the other road is a dead end and i said that's not crossroads that's a t junction well i'm glad you laughed she went [ __ ] mental i should i suppose point out at this early stage in the in the show that uh despite my dress and general demeanor i'm not gay unless you're from newcastle and by gay you mean owns a coat you're looking a bit disappointed though sorry it's just homosexuality isn't my thing no hard feelings sorry i don't i don't want to spoil the mood i'm not you know not homophobic i'm not scared of you it's fine you know obviously some some people are straight some people okay that's fine and what you might call a stray i'm straight but i'm socially gay means i'll notice when a female friend changes their hair or buys new shoes but i don't accept your [ __ ] in my ass it's less of a joke it's just something i wanted to make absolutely clear i get the feeling from that look on your face i may have misjudged this situation you you either look hard or gay hopefully not both because if you want to take me outside i'm not entirely sure why supposedly the way i'm buggered as i'm sure you all would have ascertained i'm quite middle class and i'm from the home counties so i don't have an accent this is just how things sound when they're pronounced properly not there's anything wrong with being working class these days being working class is very much like masturbation it's nothing to be ashamed of of course there's nothing to be proud of either and both give you calluses on your hands sting the popular singer stings often bragging about his eight hour night sex sessions with his wife trudy imagine how long he'd be able to keep it up if she was a looker in japan they believe that tiger penis improves fertility but i think if you really want to get pregnant you're best off using a man's [ __ ] my best mate's girlfriend is six months pregnant they said you want to feel the baby on reflection i think they meant on the outside they say travel broadens the mind except with americans what tends to widen the arse a lot of people quote the fact that only 10 of americans have passports the thing is they say it like is a bad thing don't get the wrong idea i've got nothing against americans just one came up to me after a show a couple of weeks ago and said he thought it was patronizing i think you'll find that's pronounced patronizing it means when you talk down to someone don't worry i'm not being condescending i'm far too busy thinking about important things you wouldn't understand i'm not sure if you're aware this did you know you're 10 times more likely to get mugged in london than you are in new york city because you live in new york city see my favorite news story of the last year came from america i'm sure you all saw this story in the papers or on tv it was a story about a man in utah an american man who were he was out rambling in the wilds of utah the beautiful desert landscape and there was a rock fall and he got his hand trapped underneath a massive boulder and he had to sever his own hand in order to walk to freedom incredible story about human courage and spirit do you all see that story well i can't believe anyone saw it didn't ask themselves the question because i think he does beg the question would i be able to do that i've given it quite a lot of thought and i think yes yes i would be able to do that what do i care about in america's hand if it's life or death i'll cut his [ __ ] head off the other story that sort of tickled me from america not quite as inspiring i'll be absolutely honest with you was the story of an english woman an american man that's made the papers earlier in the year they were flying from jfk to london heathrow never met each other before flying in first class they just knew each other for eight hours and they were arrested as they came in to land at heathrow and the reason they were arrested was because the lady was fellating the man i mean sucking off it says they came to land the lady was fellating the man i myself prefer a boiled sweet i just can't quite imagine how that happened presumably at some point she turned him and said my ears are popping have you got a boiled suite and he said no no i haven't but i've got an idea now have we got anyone in from around the country is there anyone in from the north oh quite a few of you i ask you what's the point having a north south divide if you're not going to please it it is a peculiarity of the united kingdom that people from liverpool tend to think people from manchester are a bunch of [ __ ] and vice versa people from manchester think people from liverpool are a bunch of [ __ ] when will they realize so i should apologize really because i've used the c word rather a lot so far this evening and uh i know a lot of people especially the ladies let's be honest i find that a little bit offensive there is of course an alternative to [ __ ] i don't mean up the arse now are you all familiar with the phrase see you next tuesday see that it's the polite english way of saying the c word so it's not to cause too much offence although ironically i can't think of too many situations or you want to call someone a [ __ ] you don't offend them sort of what i like about it i'll have a bit of a sit down i think oh you're all right was this sort of thing you had in mind no right okay i'm [ __ ] who's come the furthest does anyone come from like a long way overseas or can be ireland right now i know candy island so i happen to know that you've not come a long way from your home you've just brought it with you did you come with him no good can't be honest the furthest anyone came we'll [ __ ] you you're all in the area anyway were you what's that [Music] was that dover but you were castrated before you got a chance to right were you worried about sounding silly so you thought well i'll put on a ludicrous high-pitched voice that should sort things out shouldn't it so you're a sailor are you [Applause] imagine my surprise at your high pitched voice hmm bad things come in threes good example of that is atomic kid every time i think of atomic kick actually i'm slightly saddened because i think well somewhere somewhere in the northeast there's a supermarket three check out girl short i wrote that joke for a thing called worse britain's why i had to write jokes about lots of celebrities there's a program that we put on channel 4. i wrote this as well it was of any interest to you i went to a car boot sale the other week i found this old brown bent leathery tool turned out to be david dickinson now i don't know if anyone's seen any of the other tv shows that i made i make a show called distraction at the moment has anyone seen that oh just about every and one person liked it well that's good if i can entertain just one man i'll have been [ __ ] the distractions are quite good it's channel 4's replacement to sex in the city just imagine the city is dundee and the sexes anal you get the idea i i do another show called your face or mine has everyone seen that it's it's quite good fun i think it's a fun show it's a shallow as a tinker's bar or no offense i don't mean but you know it's quite a fun show it's it's basically about couples it's about looks in relationships who here thinks looks are important in a relationship quite a few of you being honest this evening i sort of sit on the fence on that one i looks important in a relationship you don't look at the fireplace when you poke in the fire do you but you do when it's sucking you off so are you two a couple do you mind me asking how on earth that happened what was what were you thinking you don't know you do a lot better than that you're punching way above your weight not just a little bit it's a different league well done is that money or personality or low self-esteem on her part lovely little mix of all three that's basically the show your face of mine that's it that's all we do we'd stream out half an hour the magic of television well that is quite awkward sometimes because there's quite young couples on the show and you know they're 19 or 20 and they're talking about their looks it can be a bit bit awkward sometimes we had an incident on the show where a woman came on with a medical complaint i'm not sure what the correct medical term is but she had a wonky face i'm pretty sure that's not the great medical term she wasn't an unattractive girl either she was quite good looking but one half of her face was a lot lower than the other just a bit wonky what happened is she'd sent in a videotape to be on the show and recorded it rather coquettishly like that and then she turned up and gone like that and we'd all gone like that and obviously the producer said well this is you know it's quite a serious thing there's a show about looks and she's got a wonky face we've got to at least address it for the audience i thought what am i going to say what's with a wonky face i didn't say that i i said could you tell me about your face and luckily she played along she said yes there's a story behind this when i was 11 i had a skiing accident i was skiing down the side of a hill and i skied into the side of a chalet and i broke my leg and my arm and my jawbone and my cheekbone and my eye socket and i had to be airlifted to hospital and i said at least you got to go in a helicopter her face fell sadly it didn't even up that would have been rather miraculous i can't be the only person i mean in real life i do constantly put my foot in it i can't believe anyone that does these kind of things but i mean i i'm i've learned the hard way that you're not meant to refer to your partner as your current girlfriend it suggests you're looking for an upgrade and that doesn't seem to keep them on their toes the way you would think it might oh no they don't like it i've also got a policy now after several unfortunate incidents whereby i would rather see a pregnant woman standing on a bus than a fat girl sitting down crying come on we've all made that mistake haven't we worst thing is you know immediately you've made it when's it you hang on there's nothing you you just like your food it's a terrible moment you just want the earth to open up and swallow her obviously i have to be a [ __ ] big hull now the other time when i put my foot in it but sort of deliberately is when i do charity shows i do quite a lot of charity shows and i'm not pretending to be particularly altruistic i do them because they're really good fun you get there's loads of comics come and do a show there's not about 10 of us backstage or hang out together it's like a little social and what we do is we dare each other we don't each other to open with the most inappropriate line possible and what happens is i tend to win the bet and not get invited back which if you think about it is a double win because you don't get paid for those shows i did a gig for the ashling foundation does anyone know the ashland foundation no well they're quite a small charity based in london they're um they're an irish charity and what they do is they take irish builders and navis that came over in the 1950s and 60s and these are older guys they're fallen on hard times they give them pensions and retirement homes on the west coast of ireland and i did a gig for them i thought it was a great charity i went out there and said it's lovely to be here supporting the ashland foundation i've got a new slogan for you [ __ ] off home the roads are finished [Applause] apparently they're famous for their sense of humour oh no they're [ __ ] not the other uh the other uh charity that i did a gig for uh last year was um stonewall you know stonewall the largest gay charity in europe i did a gig for them up in edinburgh i went on i said it's lovely to be here in edinburgh i'm not sure about supporting stonewall sure maybe if we raise enough money maybe one day we'll be able to find a cure but i'm not sure there's anything wrong with being gay that was pretty much their reaction although they were slightly more theatrical i don't want to sound callous or unkind or cruel but the children of courage awards how much courage does it take to get paulie all i'm saying is maybe we could just change the name to the children of horrible misfortune that way we could include ugly children as well if anyone's sitting there thinking i really didn't like that joke i don't like the subject matter i didn't think it was very funny imagine how it went down the great ormond street gala well comedy's been pretty good to me over the last couple of years i've had a really sort of good run at it and i wanted to give something back and what i thought i'd do is try and sort of put some do some gorilla comedy put some comedy in places where you don't normally find it obviously you all you know come out to a comedy show this evening and people watching the comedy dvd tend to be in quite a good mood already but what about the people that aren't having a good day what about the people i don't you know reading the small ads i mean you can't be having a good time if you're reading the smaller you're either buying something second hand or you're filling in a personal and let's face it if you're summoning up your personality in 30 words or less it basically means you don't have a good one so what i thought i'd do is put some you know i've got a credit card i've got quite a good phone manner i'll play some small ants maybe cheer some people up along the way would you like to see them of course you [ __ ] might this is the first one that i placed i put it in the in the personals it's um incurable romantic seeks filthy hall this one's slightly more optimistic than that it's a bit more ambitious albino he she seeks similar now i've not had any responses to that as yet but as soon as i get two i'm going to set up a blind date they won't be able to believe their luck this next one sort of the basis for all small ads in my opinion in the personals good-looking athletic notting hill-based movie star millionaire seeks gullible stunner now the business opportunity section of uh of papers i i travel up and down the country doing lots of stand-up gigs and i always sort of read the local paper it's normally getting quite good fun the business opportunity section useless for me unless you want to buy a cafe in solihull no good so i thought i'd try and brighten up with an ad i placed this small minority wanted to spoil it for the rest of us there's always one is it you now sadly i didn't get any responses at all to this next one wanted 30 [ __ ] and a zeppelin for elaborate practical joke [Applause] now the announcement section in a local paper should be an interesting thing but it's not as births marriages and deaths but of course if you know if you know the person you know involved in either being born or getting married or dying you sort of know you don't need to read in the paper so it's a bit pointless although my nan used to collect anything to do with our family or friends just to collect all the little personals from the local paper and put them in a shoe box she collected them all for like 50 years and then she died and we put them in the bin that's not a joke that's just what happens anyway i thought i'd try and you know cheer up the announcement section of the paper i went with this ad amanda i'm running a bit late we'll be there in about an hour how far apart are the contractions this next one is well it's just plain odd but i ended up putting it in public and legal notices but only because i was out of ideas as to where to put it nemesis wanted i'm five foot ten into kayaking books and conversation by day justice honor and vengeance by night seeking arch enemy possibly crime lord or deformed megalomania this next one's not my finest piece of work but i kind of like it speech impediment there's a new support group for the london area cool [Laughter] now obviously we set up all of these with with real phone lines so people could call up if they wanted to and we put an extra long answer machine message tape for that one because we thought we'd get any complaints could take a while this next one doesn't have a phone number i just wanted to get the message out there does anyone else think there's something not quite right about gary lineker this next one might be handy for some of the front row i'll put it in the lost section lost virginity yes get it does anyone here read private eye magazine oh quite a few of you right well you can attest to the fact that these small ads in the back of private eye are mental they're the most mental thing i've seen it's full of people saying things like i'm just doing a law degree and i need 5 000 pounds to complete my thesis and then bank account details it's the everest of optimism i thought i'm getting in on that action i placed this needed 20k no questions asked then two weeks later when no one came up with the money terrible but all right 10k one question nothing personal i'm willing to compromise i'm a reasonable man now there's a for sale section in all of these magazines around the country hitachi washing machine dx250 under warranty until kill kill kill kill them all february 2004 in perfect working order 180 pounds of nearest offer the reason i'm so pleased with that is because i phoned it in and the only thing the operator said to me was is that four kills yeah fine for sale holiday photos choice of ski sun or city break ideal for anecdote or alibi for sale bonsai tree large the other thing i've got quite interested in now obsessed by is the you know the adverts you get busy on railings at busy intersections in roads up and down the country you get them all over the place you've all seen those yeah what kind of nutters are replying to those what people are out of work and they're thinking yeah the railings that's the answer not a job centre or a friend of a friend i'll just go with the railing anyway you know so i thought what i'll do is i'll set up some of my own i'll put them up around west london and i'll see who calls nut as it turns out i needn't have bothered my ass well i'll take you through some of the ones that i did anyway get rich quick simply set up a premium rate phone line to find out how just call 900. lose weight fast fed up of dieting and exercise incredible results guaranteed try amoebic dysentery is your memory letting you down and what about your memory is it letting you down call for an information pack right now before we forget money worries work from home earn pounds you don't even have to get out of bed to find out more just call pimp jimmy well this is the last one of these i am you grammar letting me down i don't know if this has ever happened to any of you but i split up with my last girlfriend because she was very hypocritical she used to say i love surprises but then when she found out i was sleeping with her sister my girlfriend always says you never tell me how much you love me i don't want to upset her a couple of weeks ago we were making love and she had she had an asper attack i did briefly think i was doing really rather well then about sort of the 90-second two-minute mark i thought hang on she's laying this on a bit fig either she wants something or she's not well and she wasn't totally panicked i didn't know what to do so i phoned a friend of mine who's a doctor he lives just down the road for me and i said to him you know what should i do he said well yeah don't panic it could be quite serious it probably isn't but i'll pop right over i said what should i do in the meantime he said finish yourself off they'll give you that look it was the right thing to do i realized i shouldn't really take the piss out of the asthmatics they've got enough to worry about the national asthmatics emergency helpline service was shut down recently apparently a problem though you've seen phone calls i've asthmatics in no i would have heard you i don't know if anyone's got this are there lots of couples in this evening how many couples do we have quite a few by show of hands how many do we have by shouting out hundreds brilliant wondering does anyone have this arrangement in a relationship it's becoming ever more common now for couples to have an arrangement whereby they're totally faithful to each other but they've got a clause whereby if one of them was to meet a certain celebrity they would be allowed to stray has anyone got that going on in their relationship who have you got you right i noticed that you're sitting next to a lady you're going to do one when you go home she's going to kill you right or strap on and [ __ ] you certainly [Applause] one or the other anyone else got one you've got one who have you got jim carrey all right he might be up for it and who's your boyfriend got anything i'm not bothered anything good looking what bit of a change yeah lovely you can't say that the reason i mention it is because i've got an arrangement with my girlfriend whereby if i ever get the opportunity to sleep with kylie minogue she can [ __ ] off are you all aware of what snowballing is the sexual practice snowballing one below that who is that down there quite proud of that well done everyone else nonetheless okay well i'll explain it says something about you snowballing is a sexual practice where having administered oral sex your partner doesn't spit or swallow so much as return to sender via a kiss oh you're looking shocked and appalled as i explained that to you let me assure you i found out the hard way and he does raise an interesting moral dilemma should you spit or swallow well if you really love yourself so i can see some friends of mine up there and you're explaining that to your mum brilliant oh what a brilliant day out that will be what a lovely drive home so this snowballing thing marvellous are there any catholics in buddhism do you want that one if you're up there i'm a lapse catholic i don't know much about catholicism but i like some of the ideas very much like the idea of the confirmation the confirmation correct me if i'm wrong is when you're about 12 and you meet a bishop and he says to you you're definitely a catholic i don't know if he does that he says you're definitely a catholic he confirms you you aren't confirmed i think it's a very good idea i think other religions could do with that i think the jews could do with that i've got a lot of friends that are jews and they always say i'm jewish a new books come out called better than sex with claire rayner a lot of things in that [ __ ] category i'm struggling to think of anything that wouldn't make the mark i suppose the rwandan genocide might just edges well good i was in a bookstore last week there was a third or four titles bought the lion the witch i said to the phd english graduate sorry shop assistant i said i said what's this what's this psycho the rapist section she said i think i find that's pronounced like a therapist i don't know if you're all aware of this are you all aware of the fact that um that christopher reeve wrote a book last year he wrote a book called nothing is impossible i say he wrote it you dated it it's not important just on the back fly leaf cover of the book it says since the accident christopher's never looked back i mean fair enough but there's no need to rub it in is there i met an incredible girl on the internet smart sexy uninhibited of course it turned out to be a 12 year old paraplegic ball i'll be honest the sex was disappointing i think we've reached a barrier there haven't we and we will laugh at that and nothing more it's not fair enough a couple of weeks ago i failed to perform sexually well how is that a laughing matter a couple of weeks ago i failed to perform section i'm not going to go into detail suffice it to say i arrived early my girlfriend said don't worry that happens to a lot of guys i said right there's two things come out with that firstly who are these a lot of guys and secondly if it's happening to more than one of us don't you think it could be your fault she says there's never an excuse to raise your hand to a woman what if you've got a question she says that because she's a woman she's good at doing two things at the same time if that's the case why is the threesome out the question i was in the high street the other day there was a girl there with a clipboard she said could you spare a few minutes for cancer research i said all right we're not gonna get much done we can pop into boots and see if they've got anything you know that disclaimer they put at the end of films you know the one that says the characters in the events in this film are purely fictitious any relation to real characters and events is purely coincidental yeah do they really need that on lord of the rings is anyone watching that thinking this is a brilliant documentary i might think about going to new zealand on my holidays but wait no i don't want it ruined by sarah man he's all calming your hair what i'm just saying i'm just i like the spy skills as much as the next man but it's a no it's i can't help noticing you've got a tattoo on your what's your boob isn't it really it sort of draws the eye what is that exactly it's a rose as if boobs aren't fun enough as they are she's thought i'll brighten these things up no fellas going to like these what are guys like they like flowers don't they yeah i'll get a picture of the flower did you not think what do you like what kind of thing you look like sort of blow the like cars and guns and tanks get a nice tattoo of a tank on your tip lovely he could be you know and going all was that sherman because flowers unless he's secretly gay and i'll be honest there's a lot of earrings in spiky here good fine i remember before j-lo before the term ghetto booty when we used to just call it a fat ass of course jlo's had a bum insured for 10 million dollars don't know if that covers contents i was talking to my nan about anton deck she said she didn't know which one aunt was i said you know which one deck is she said yeah my girlfriend asked me recently one of the one of the big questions in life she said to me do you want to have children i thought about it i thought god is there any truer expression of the love that you have for another person than to have a child with them because really that is a bond that lasts forever it's not like getting married marriages break up but having a child together you know you're going to be bonded through that child for the rest of your life and then i thought about the money i thought how expensive is it bringing up a child it's apparently the most expensive thing you can do costs a hundred thousand pounds to bring up a child until the age of 18. it's incredible amount of money it's not like buying a house we can sell it on it doesn't appreciate that's just gone and then i thought about the education of the child would i send it to state school or private school i'm doing all right i might think about private school but i'd probably end up sending it to state school and then you know maybe i'd compromise on that become a bit of a hypocrite end up reading the daily mail going to parent parent-teacher meetings becoming my dad it'd be awful and then i thought i thought more about well why am i thinking about having a child when i think about adopting a child isn't it just about the family unit and love rather than just having a little mini me running around the place and then i thought about how much it would mean to have my family name live on and you know what that would mean to my my nearest and dearest and then then i thought again about the relationship with my girlfriend how that would change how i'd probably end up calling her mum or something you know be really sort of change that and that would change my life and probably ruin it anyway i sort of weighed up all the pros and all the comms and and in the end i said no of course by then i'd come luckily all over her tits mom understood that good fine right you know ladies and gentlemen one of my ambitions is to is to write a book like many comedians i'd love to write a book but i don't really want to write a novel because i don't know if you've ever read a novel by a comedian but they're shite we don't seem very good at it but you know it requires having an idea that lasts more than 30 seconds not going to happen so what i thought i'd do is it's a book of correspondence because that way you're getting someone else to do half the work yeah i'm always thinking would you like to hear them well good good otherwise we'll be having some quiet time this is the this is the first letter that i wrote it's to my uh my local mp uh chris smith dear mr smith do you get tired of people writing to you who are clearly just wasting your time and have nothing better to do this is to uh charlie statham who's the head doctor of nhs direct in west london dear sir i heard about a doctor that took out someone's appendix with a coat hanger on a plane now i'm not a qualified doctor but i do take an interest and i've got all the proper kit could you talk me through the procedure please write back soon she's in terrible pain is anyone in here a member of amnesty international i think someone's timidly put up a hand at the back but are you worried about being persecuted well i wrote a letter to the head of amnesty international in the uk i hope you like it it's to kate allen director of amnesty international uk dear madden i like what you people do writing letters to complain about human rights violations is like a political version of points of view the bbc or fascist leader may not change what they do as a result but at least you'll slow down their day as they wade through the postbag i'd be surprised if they got around to torturing anyone before 11 30 the number of letters you sent lots of people do nothing because they know they cannot change the world but you good people are not deterred from making futile gestures on behalf of human rights and i for one applaud you inspired by your unilateral approach i decided to hold a fundraising dinner on your behalf at my home i charge people 20 pounds ahead to come and enjoy a meal and drinks with all profits to go to amnesty although a success creatively we went for a south american theme unfortunately the groceries were expensive as was the booze and in the end i made a loss you now owe me 57 pounds 40. now amnesty god bless them got back to me almost immediately with this letter be honest he's a little bit condescending dear jimmy thank you for your letter i was delighted to hear that you're a supporter of amnesty you do appear to have a few misunderstandings about the work we do so i've enclosed a copy of our new information leaflet what we do which fair enough is a very good name for an information leaflet i've also enclosed a copy of our new annual review human rights before profit which i've had a flick through and is no way to run a company regarding your recent fundraising dinner i'm sorry to hear that all the energy and creativity which you put into your event did not result in you being able to make your planned fundraising donation i usually advise our supporters to start small and build up with their fundraising it's also an excellent idea to work out a simple budget beforehand and to have a think about just how many people you can attract as guests to your event this helps immeasurably with planning your expenditure and setting your ticket price and hopefully we'll ensure a different outcome at your next fundraiser in terms of your request that amnesty reimburse you for the loss i'm afraid i will have to say no well i was very disappointed and 57 pounds 40 out of pocket but i had a money-making idea who buys fair trade products here quite a few of you buy fair trade you know the tea the coffee the sugar that kind of thing i had a bit of you know i think i spotted a gap in the market so i wrote them a letter the reason i'm writing is i think i've spotted a gap in the market told you no one is more exploited than the farmer of the coca leaf whilst drug barons get rich exploiting both third world farmers and first world recreational users we stand by and do nothing i propose a fair trade cocaine joint venture i have a contact in distribution and you guys have the perfect cover to sell through customs who knows if it all takes off we could end up millionaires brackets and help the poor i wrote this one to martin bell you know martin bell the man in the white suit political campaigner dear mr bell your personal assistant is keeping things from you [Applause] now i've not had a reply to that which would seem to suggest i'm right this is one that i wrote to in terms of taste and decency we take a bit of a dark turn here let's be honest um it's a letter that i wrote to david yellen when he was editor of the sun dear yelland i thought that was good tabloid is strong dear yellen there's been a lot of talk about genetic engineering obviously it's a very complex area could you tell me is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purpose of weaning pedophiles off babies only i'm thinking of starting a company with a slogan they'll squeal but not to the comps think it's morally acceptable to write that letter i think it's okay to laugh but to applaud really that's in very power text i wrote this to john stevens the metropolitan police commissioner dear sir john i've got a bet on with a friend i say most policemen are just nice guys doing their job whereas he says all coppers are [ __ ] which is it right what should we do here well very much your decision i wrote a letter to stephen hawking would you like to hear it fine on your own heads be it okay stephen hawking in cambridge university dear professor i know you get lots of letters asking you all sorts of things about the nature of the universe and i also know you don't have a lot of time on your hands to be answering all of them in great detail but perhaps this question from my nine-year-old will inspire you a little he is severely disabled and has similar limitations to you but equally he has a great spirit and refuses to give in on a world all too ready to dismiss him as a full-ride monotone or voice box wheelchair-bound freak anyway what he'd really like to know is would you like to come over and play now obviously when you send a letter like that you're not expecting a reply you're certainly not expecting a phone call but that's what i got my younger brother patrick answered the phone and passed it to me said stephen hawking's assistant i was slightly taken aback she was inquiring as to the name of my son now the only disability my son has is tragically he's fictitious but as i said my younger brother patrick had answered the phone so i said patrick uh i gave her name and then she asked about his disabilities and i you know watch a fair amount of daytime tv i was able to cobble something together and the reason i did that was not to sort of continue the joke i just thought well she'll be embarrassed on the phone if i say it's just a silly joke so i thought well i don't wanna embarrass her i'll just set that'll probably be the end of it but it wasn't the end of it at all uh about two weeks later i received this letter a lovely letter and she sent me a biography of stephen hawking with a photo it's not signed and then about a week after that i got this letter from stephen hawking himself it's absolutely genuine i'll read it to you now dear patrick my assistant karen has sent me a letter from your father who tells me that you've invited me to come over and play it's very kind of you to send me the invitation but unfortunately i'm teaching at caltech in pasadena until the first of may so i can't take you up on your offer even though i am 60 i think it's never too late to play one of my birthday treats was to go for a balloon ride and that was really exciting if you're interested contact ian bentley at innovative ballooning there's the contact details and phone numbers i did contact him and he bought us a balloon ride i did briefly consider crippling my younger brother i just the reason i i sort of share that with you legend is because you know it's all a bit clever clever sending people you know letters and kind of running away but that one went horribly wrong and i also thought it demonstrated that stephen hawking is not only a brilliant man but a brilliant bloke what a lovely thing to do you know you know yeah fair enough having said that responding to a letter where you yourself are described as a four-ride monotone voice box wheelchair-bound freak maybe not that clever well this is the last letter it's a letter i wrote to hsbc anyone back with hsbc oh quite a few of you alright this letter i write to them dear sir or madam i really love your latest hsbc commercials the ones about cultural diversity and the importance of communicative sensitivity in international finance having said that i must take issue with the statement you make that the rudest thing you could do in thailand was to reveal the soles of your feet now i've been to thailand in my year off and i can tell you you can do things a lot ruder than that there a lot ruder my friend keith shatner hooker's mouth for a tenner i just wanted to let you know in case you were thinking about doing another ad about holland or something [Applause] my girlfriend said you wanted me to tease her i said all right fatty things don't always work out the way you think i always thought it was going to be my mum that would catch me masturbating [Music] i think you're shocked imagine my surprise according to official statistics one third of all accidents in the workplace go unreported how on earth do they know when i was a kid i had an imaginary friend and i used to think that he went everywhere with me and i could talk to him and he could hear me that he could grant me wishes and stuff and then i grew up and i stopped going to church well that seems to have divided the room somewhat there's two distinct groups there there's people who thought that was funny and then there's a larger group we'll be going to heaven while we're on the subject of religion i imagine there's quite a few people in here that go to mass or or wherever protestants go hell how about you know have you all seen the new mel gibson film the passion of the christ it's upset an awful lot of christians they're very up they're up in arms about it he's made a film about the life of christ but he's tacked on this silly hollywood ending where the hero comes back at the end does she love the little baby jesus or does she love the little baby jesus or not she's going for a week is it a wee or a poo it should be time huh it's a bit embarrassing isn't it when people say they hear voices in their heads as opposed to where exactly hearing voices in your legs that's properly mental i saw an advert i've had our literacy classes in the newspaper there any single men in this evening anyone single you're single don't panic i've got some advice for you if you really like a girl and you ask her out and she says to you i love you like a brother suggest a weekend in norfolk unless you're from norfolk in which case it probably is your sister so are you from norfolk you don't look like you're from norfolk you're from thetford in norfolk and is that your sister girlfriend both so and you're here with your sister not really though saturday night i'll take my sister she's she's a looker have you ever with the i'm only asking do you think do you think your sister's attractive can i ask do you think she's attractive or not she's okay did you give her one i was very low sorry what about you love i can't believe that he's from norfolk and he's brought his sister it could scarcely be better amazed you didn't bring your mum did you split up oh marvellous imagine your family tree's a straight line is it it's just a piece of timber sorry i may have misjudged this it looks as if there's going to be a short fight after the gig which i imagine i'll be losing is she do you think she got bladder problems maybe some sort of yeast infection or not we'll ask her when she comes back i just hope she hasn't got any vagina off the videos it's a lovely word though isn't it vaginal oh clearly not i've got a friend that picked up two girls last week i said they're like buses he said yeah you wait ages and then two come along at once i said no they are like buses someone came up to me and complained about that joke a couple of weeks ago after a show quite a big-boned girl she said to me i think you're fattest i said no no no i think you're fattest someone calls admiral insurance every six seconds for a quote juan nutter environmentalists tell us that every day an area the size of wales is destroyed why isn't it wales so are there welsh people in this evening you're from wales don't worry do you know the most common crime is in wales no hang on i've got to ask someone about her fufu it's a long time for a pee all right you're fine you're sure is that better bless you so i've just talked to your friend about being from wales do you know the most common crime isn't wales have a guess or guess sheep shagging well that's rather insulting isn't it and to add insult to injury or wrong it's not sheep shagging it's actually ram raiding the second most common crime is having sex with a miner if anyone's offended just look for the other meaning you'll be fine i bought my girlfriend a book called cheap and easy vegetarian cooking which is ideal for her because not only is she a vegetarian she's reading a book at the moment called women that love too much which i think could have the title shortened to [ __ ] the reason old men use viagra is not because they're impotent it's because old women so very ugly when it comes to the environment it's not us but our children and our children's children that will pay for our mistakes which is a relief no matter how much you give a homeless person for a cup of tea you never get that tea throwing acid is wrong in some people's eyes i went up to the airport information desk i said how many airports are in the world she said i don't know i went up to the check-in desk the girl said to me window seat or rise i said window suit oh you're what are you threatening me she said no no no calm down calm down window seat or aisle i said i'll have a seat i bought one of those round-the-world air tickets twelve hundred pounds amazing value thirty-seven hours later i right back at heathrow a lot of people say modern art is pretentious but i look at it like this boxers boxers don't have sex before a fight do you know what that is they don't fancy each other if you eat a lot of spicy food you can damage your sense of taste when i was in india last year i was listening to a lot of michael bolton every year in this country thousands of dogs are needlessly and pointlessly destroyed every night hundreds of homeless people go hungry all i'm saying is it wouldn't happen in korea i would like to take this opportunity to recommend korean food to each and every one of you that cuisine is delicious they're delicacies they're the dog's bollocks on holiday i went walking in the lakes it's called swimming and while i was there i met a very beautiful girl and i fell in love but she was going up a friend of mine so i had to hide the way i felt that's not easy wearing speedos men men tend to fall asleep directly after sex all i'm saying is maybe for women put a bit more into it sorry that's not meant to be misogynistic in any way i was reading in tits and arts magazine very interesting and informative article about the difficulties of asking your partner for anal sex it was entitled what if she takes it the wrong way sorry i can see you're shifting uncomfortably now i didn't need to i didn't mean to offend you i'm sure whatever you decide about anal sex i'm sure he'll be right behind you it's easier to get forgiveness than permission just thought i'd slip that in well what i'd like to do i've done a couple of interviews on television i've done i've done sort of uh des o'connor i've done parkinson's i was all right on them i was fine but i wasn't brilliant on them and i'd like to get better so what i like to do is to kind of practice with a member of the audience doing an interview now would anyone like to interview me yes right her what's your name what i'll tell you what we'll discuss it down here because it sounds to me like you don't have a proper name but lady in the blue as you will now be known you want to stick a mic on her unless you're busy unless you're busy standing by a door well i'll be honest she could get up as well christ thank god she could get up because that was sit down hello i thought i was sitting in my own chair you thought you were sitting in your own chair unlucky you thought it was a joke well it sort of is have you not seen a pattern emerging there's a little list of questions what's your name oh i don't make up my own questions you can make up your own yeah feel free um my name is blonde blonde yeah it's irish it's irish for what typo i'm not gonna tell you what it's irish for what is it irish for flour that's it yeah flour yeah what kind of flour little flour not self-raising no no little flour little flour yeah it's not difficult yeah is it is it spelled oh well fair enough all right little flower but i just worry on the dvd if you know if you're watching this back home i can pronounce blonde right blonde go ahead kick off ask anything you want actually i've got those there but you know do you want me to speak from this really do you want me to ask these questions it's not complicated okay right back at you it would appear i've got the skills to pay the bills great to have you here great to be here we'll try and hold it together you're not graham norton no i'm not graham norton what do you think about fame well i'm glad you've asked me that a lot of people a lot of people they get their first little taste of fame and they let it go to their heads they end up in the priory clinic talking about themselves in the third person okay let me assure you jimmy carl's not gonna let that happen so who would you most like to sleep with anyone living or dead anymore living [Music] this could take a while which is your greatest regret well they say that you should regret the things you you have done not the things you haven't but my greatest regret is something that i didn't do it's a girl called barbara do i look like a wife eater now because she's crying i'm sorry no it's fine i don't think i might be giving her an orgasm i'm not i've never seen it before i've got no frame of reference which words or phrases do you most overuse hello i'm jimmy carr all i'm saying is when you think about it can i park here is it in you where do you get your ideas from i think it's a cerebellum but it could be the frontal cortex i'm not sure which book changed your life heidiges being in nothingness what is your most embarrassing there's more to that feedline punchline then we move on okay go for it okay what is your favorite recorder of all time well it's a different question go back to the book damn what it changed your life heidig is being in nothingness before i got that but we had a wonky table in the kitchen what's the worst heckle you've ever had i was probably one i was doing a gig in bristol i told a joke not a brilliant joke was all right i said has anyone in here being caught thieving in the middle east let's have a show of hands and a bloke about four rows back held up a hook properly abu hamza style all right yeah i know to my eternal shame i said give me a big hand how do you relax i put smarties tubes on cat's legs and i can walk like a robot if i'm really tense i make it go down the stairs they get a bit confused cat looking confused is brilliant okay little face what makes you angry well i can't get the lid off the valium okay which historical figure do you most admire joan of art lovely tits that's the one thing you'd like to do before you die kylie so predictable [Applause] any other questions of your own any other questions any questions any other questions here most people would just read that and then think of a question so you're you're irish are you imagine my surprise i'm actually um where are you from island dublin i'm actually what people refer to as a plastic paddy because i've got irish parents and an irish passport grew up in england well no i was born in ireland irish passport irish parents but i've got and i've got you know irish passport everything irish but i speak like this and present myself in this way because i was educated in the uk just goes to show what you can do when you apply yourself every time i speak to an irish person now i'm slightly saddened i think i think it doesn't have to be this way well i think you've done a wonderful job blonde londy leonard thank you thanks very much for talking to me thank you very much indeed jimmy that was low wasn't it give her a big round of applause thank you very much indeed if you had to choose between saving your own life and saving the life of a loved one most people agree make a brilliant game show mother always said if you have anything nice to say [ __ ] off i read an interview with margaret thatcher a couple of years ago and she was talking about her funeral she said i don't my funeral to be a morbid affair i wanted to be a celebration i thought you won't be disappointed in love my sister had a baby aunt to see her she said you want to win him i said to him a dead leg shall cats have got nine lives which makes them ideal for experimentation a dog is for life not just for christmas so do be careful at the office party watching sex on telly with mum and dad that's embarrassing i didn't even know they knew she's the camcorder a very common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time want to cook quantically easy there i'm joking they want to [ __ ] them i live quite near a special needs school there's a sign outside it says slow children i thought that can't do much for their self-esteem but look on the positive side of course they can't read it i'm afraid that's almost all i've got time for this evening ladies and gentlemen um there's just one thing left that i'd like to do which is go through some jimmy carr merchandise if we could just lock the doors i've gone for some comedy t-shirts which i'd i'd like to show you they're just up here i see you know the comedy t-shirt it's an under-utilized medium in my opinion hang on it's perfectly normal thing to do sell a bit away you know the rolling stones do it why not me uh this is the first one that i did it's uh i'm stupid what do you think says i'm a so you're wearing the person next to you [Music] you know it's got jimmy kahn.com on the sleeve i'm a stupid on the back it says the national association of special needs carers who thought that was it says my girlfriend went on a un-sponsored trip to investigate child labor in the far east and all i got was this lousy t-shirt see there's a very serious issue there children as young as 10 are working you know 80 hours a week in sweatshops in the far east stitching trainers i wouldn't mind it's a workmanship that suffers this one's rather predictable but it's kind of fun as well it's the christian alliance against bad language can [ __ ] off i've got another religious one now but for a reason this is the best selling t-shirt ever in the world jesus loves you it's the most popular t-shirt ever jesus loves you he's not in love with you i was going to go for he's not fussy about looks incidentally if we're all god's children what's so special about jesus says love hurts it's a nice sentiment isn't it love hurts sort of shows a sensitive side love hurts try a lubricated finger this takes a little bit of explaining it's true love weights is the slogan it's the slogan of the promise keepers they're an organization in america that believe in holding on to their virginity and chastity until marriage britney spears was a member i think there's some footage of her leaving on the internet anyway their slogans true love weight i thought she loved weights it's such a lovely slogan it deserves a t-shirt true love waits pulls out and comes on a tits i imagine you're getting the hang of this by now so you know try and guess this one see no evil here no evil speak no evil what do you think no idea see no evil hear no evil speak no evil row hypno actually there was a there was a story in the paper earlier this year there was a story about an englishman arrested in iron appa for taking advantage of three girls by putting rohypnyl in their drinks what's the world coming to in iron apple you're telling me ro hypno is now cheaper than three bacardi breezes now this one this is a this is a picture that the man on my right your left is is on fire you all see that he's on fire special olympics torch arrives i did briefly consider the phrase flame [ __ ] i thought no let's not get out of hand well this is the last one i'm going to leave you with this ladies gentlemen it's been a pleasure talking to you this evening obviously this is a lovely t-shirt world's best dad i don't know are there any dads in this maybe a nice thing for you to wear around the house world's best dad nice wear that with pride world's best dad i [ __ ] your mum i've been jimmy carr you've been absolutely lovely thank you very much i don't know if that's ever happened to any of you if you've ever had kind of quite a good day at work you've got everything done that you need to get done it's all gone well and then you've been kept behind at the end for some reason anyway thanks very much right the encore um i suppose i better do some more jokes really uh how many do you want ten i could do ten should we count them down yeah why don't we count them down [ __ ] it i've got a friend she's got a theory she reckons a way to drive a man wild with desire to nibble on his earlobes for hours and hours i think it's bollocks one one hang on all together or not at all one oh we gotta do this ten times now i've talked myself into a corner right my mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex not the best advice i've ever been given i burst him through the bedroom door so i can have a new bike he was very upset he secretly was surprisingly nice about it i got the bike two i went to the races last week with a friend he said don't back the heavily handicapped horses i said i'm not a [ __ ] idiot i know that for them it's all about taking part in their own way they're all winners in pizza express you can now get garlic bread with cheese and tomato now correct me if i'm wrong that's a pizza well four and [ __ ] off not you a lot of people say that men with big flashy cars have got tiny [ __ ] am i the only one that reckons that women were the spaces and people carriers well clearly not there was a worrying moment there where i thought it was going to have to say bucket fanny thankfully that's been avoided ladies if you get a burning sensation when you pee it could be one of three things it could be cystitis it could be a bushfire or it could be someone's talking about your vagina when it comes to charity a lot of people will stop at nothing i saw a charity appeal in the guardian a couple of weeks ago and it read little zuki has to walk 15 miles every day just to fetch water and i couldn't help thinking she should move i've sponsored a child in africa she's got the jimmy carter t-shirt the jimmy carr hat but i worry is it doing any good i've not got any more bookings i was out last week collecting for a sponsored walk in the end i managed to raise so much money i was able to afford a taxi i tell you what just before just before the end of the show ladies and gentlemen you know we've we've had a fun night haven't we that was quite a good laugh i thought i enjoyed myself [ __ ] you no it's been really nice thank you very much indeed for coming out you know i don't want to bring you down at the end of the show but i'd like to let's just tell you this is quite a frightening fact i'd just like to end on this i'm not sure if you're aware of this but if you took all the money that we in the west spend on food in just one week you could feed the third world for one year now i don't know about you good people but i can't help feeling we're being overcharged for our groceries hi b jimmy carr thank you very much indeed thank you very much you

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 1,406,113

Keywords: jimmy carr, jimmy carr stand up, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr heckle, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy car comedy special, your face or mine, jimmy carr laugh, 8 out of 10 cats, satire, jimmy carr roast of rob lowe, jimmy carr live in glasgow, jimmy carr live in new york, jimmy carr liverpool accent, live, full show, jimmy carr full show, jimmy carr full stand up, jimmy carr full show stand up

Id: wwQS2YZhQ40

Length: 74min 35sec (4475 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 18 2020