AITA For Telling My Mom's Husband He Needs Therapy? [Reddit Relationships Advice]

hey guys check out our new channel for more edit relationship stories relationship hunt link in description enjoy the video am i the antagonist for not allowing my daughter to sleep in the same bed as her boyfriend my daughter and her boyfriend celebrated easter with us me my husband and our son a brother i asked her boyfriend to stay in our guest room as they air and married yet and my husband and i believe it's inappropriate to share a bed before marriage neither her or her boyfriend said anything at the time but later it came up that they don't visit more often because we won't allow them to sleep together i think this is ridiculous after all it's a house and our rules my daughter agreed but then said shed still prefer to sleep with her boyfriend and thinks our rule is what's actually ridiculous she then tried to tell us that they still respect our rule i pointed out that she was clearly lying about that since she was withholding her very present from her own family i said she was punishing us for having a very reasonable rule and that she obviously doesn't truly respect our house our rules she changed the subject then at the end of their trip i asked when the next well see them again and was told maybe the 48th of july unless they make plans with boyfriends family first when i pointed out she was still trying to punish us who waits three months in between visits to their parents she just left my husband feels that him right and our daughter is being unspeakably rude but my son thinks we're in the wrong and it's not a big deal edich is 25 and has 26. they've been together for three years and living together for two i didn't include this because the rule isn't based on their ages or if they're cohabiting so i didn't think it was important they will be allowed to share a bed under our roof once they are married and not a second sooner some people seem to think we're upset that she's choosing to stay in a hotel room instead of with us this is not the case she's choosing to avoid seeing us at all instead of spending time with her family added to a lot of people are under the impression that my daughter and her boyfriend visit every three months this isn't the case at all they usually only visit two or three times a year i could understand before with the pandemic and before that they were in college but we expected more frequent visits now that they're not as busy her brother manages to see us once a month so we know it's not too unreasonable of an ask but she certainly doesn't visit every three months if she chooses not to come in july we won't get to see her until october at the earliest now for the top comments ita but for a specific reason you can set whatever rules you want but if they decide not to come because of those rules they are still respecting the rules and you are tar if you get mad about that my house my rules okay then we won't come to your house because we don't like those rules both sides are in the right on that exchange i came here for this how are they not respecting ops rules if they are abiding them daughter is a grown adult the idea that she can tell her who she shares a bed with is ultimately ridiculous and op is 100 tall for that but fine whatever the rule exists daughter and bf are abiding it if op doesn't like the consequences of the rules she created maybe change the rule because in ops mind truly respecting the rules would be daughter actively choosing to come of her own volition and follow them rather than doing so begrudgingly and rarely not to mention it's not like they never visit a few times a year is pretty good at that age especially if they have to follow childish rules like that ita i mean it's your house and your rules but by that same token it's their time and their holiday your daughter is not an extension of you she has her own life to live and the holiday is as much hers as it is yours she respects your rules when she's in your house but who can blame her for wanting to stay away from your house when you insist on imposing such argus rules plenty of grown kids visit their parents once or twice a year four times a year is actually pretty frequent you need to understand that your daughter is now an adult in her own right how often did you visit your parents and in-laws at your daughter's age you're so self-centered that you view her actions as punishing you when in fact she's simply preventing you from punishing her well put can you imagine how demanding and insufferable this mother is going to be with if her daughter ever has a child not really because she's stated that she never has gone to visit her daughter this woman is a narcissist she expects her daughter to come to her to adhere to her stipulations and shows her grown daughter no respect at all yeah it's a wonder why she doesn't visit often and doesn't pick up when her mother calls makes me wonder if she's posted in our slash ray said benecists because it sure sounds like this poor girl can't win with her mother and for her own mental health has gone elsie honestly the amount of contact the daughter still has with op is shocking with how they are acting they are lucky it's more than once a year ita they respect your rule they just choose not to visit often because of the rule and don't agree with it you are choosing your rule over them visiting i love how the daughter is not respecting the rule by not visiting if you want a dog to come to you you give it treats if you want a person to come to you you treat it well edit my first award thank you if you want a person to come to you you treat it well dog treats might work here too depending on how hungry i am am i the antagonist for telling my dad that i refuse to be his adoptive son's sister i know the title seem pretty bad but let me explain the situation a bit a bit of background i 16f have two dads let's call them dadar and add c when i was about nine dad c disappeared we tried everything but none of our friends and relatives knew where he was he showed up nearly a year later with a woman and a baby in tow the woman jay was my uncle's gf and nadzi had rescued her when he found out she was pregnant and before anyone asks daddy is gay so no chaos and biologically his his brother and the rest of his side of the family were practically a cult and ad see had left them years ago when he realized how awful they truly were long story short dad see couldn't come back until after the baby k was born and things got even more complicated when kate basically imprinted on him dada was upset but he tried his best to accommodate both jay and kay dada has massive abandonment issues that stemmed from a pretty awful childhood it took a while but after a while we started to move past the whole disappearance thing about seven months later kaye's dad apparently started looking for him again dad sees family is filthy rich with a lot of connections and jay didn't want to stay anymore because she was scared 4k dad c decided to go with him and my dad's ended up getting a divorce over dad c's decision he used to call often but after a while it was total radio silence except for birthday calls dada was super crushed over what happened and i guess my resentment for both j and k started there about two weeks ago dad c showed up again after nearly six years to ask if we were willing to house them for a few months apparently my uncle was finally caught and thrown in prison and kay now six needed a safe place to get a fresh start dada has a bleeding heart okay so he said yes i agreed to also sometime in the six years he was gone dad c adopted kaye and never told both me and dad are in the two weeks he'd been here i've tried my best to be cordial k is a good kid but there's a decade between us so there isn't much i can do him two days ago dad still lectured me about spending more time with kaye because kaye was my brother and as the big sister he looked up to i should want to spend more time with him i snapped and told him that while kane might legally be my brother i'm not his sister aside from the seven months k lived here when i was 10 i hadn't seen or spoken to the kid outside birthdays for the entire ready of his life and while i can be nice to the kid and try not to resent him it doesn't change the fact dad see ditched me and dad after him and jay i told dad see that the three of them are welcome to stay in my dad and his house and that it'd be polite but that's it i can be kaye's friend but i refuse to be his sister and that dad see has no right to force me into that role dad c was crushed and jay's been glaring at me non-stop since then so am i the antagonist now for the top comments nta holy hell have you considered writing this into a drama that being said see abandoned you he has no right to ask for anything from you and should be begging your forgiveness not lecturing you oh my god you see it so much parents walk out on their kids for extended periods and then think they can just come back like nothing happened they think the child is going to hold the same respect for them as a parent and authority figure even though they haven't been involved in so long yep my dad who lived halfway across the world for most of my life lectured me about not trying harder to be a big sister to my half sister after he hadn't told her that i was her half-sister until she was 16 years old i knew the entire time that we were half siblings but her parents decided to shelter her from that fact yet i'm the crappy sister for not wanting to drive for hours to go pick her up from college i said nope nta you don't have to associate with someone you don't feel close to cordial yes but that's it jake and glare all she wants the only reason i feel a bit bad is because of dada he's always been very family oriented he practically raised his own siblings and he always claimed dad c was the first good thing that ever happened to him so with what's happening right now the atmosphere at home is pretty tense and i just don't want to hurt him even more he doesn't think i'm the tar either it seems like dada raised you very well despite all the bs going on don't forget to tell him how much you appreciate him and as often as you can nta hey dad see you abandoned me you don't get to decide who is my family or not hey up for clarification is dad c biologically related to you it popped into my head that if he's not it makes it worse in my thoughts on that he adopted his nephew while abandoning your family it was the family money wasn't it what did jay expect she broke up a family due to her drama while she needed to be safe she is at the root for it all we don't actually know which one of my dads i'm biologically related to they never wanted to know in terms of appearance i have dark hair and light eyes i could have taken after either of them dadar is blonde and nadzie is a brunette but both sides of their families have had members with both dark slash light hair and k is blonde too as for the money part i honestly didn't think so dad c was discerned when he left and jay was my uncle's mistress but i guess i never expected my dad to abandon me either so are you okay with not knowing honestly there is nothing to be gained by knowing not to mention how it may add to the emotional turn oil if she is related to the dad that abandoned her no let sleeping dogs lie yeah no a-holes here i'm the kind of person that knowing that i don't know something drives me up the walls i would have to know even if it ruined everything in a lovecraft story i'm the guy that has to read the necronomicon doom humanity doesn't matter learnt secrets so was c paying child support at all either way if i'm getting this right one he disappeared with no warning and no contact for a year i'm guessing no child support during this period two he showed back up with his brother's mistress and a baby 3. when she wanted to leave he decided to divorce his husband and abandon his child to go with her 4. after 6 years of basically no contact and again i'm guessing no child support he shows up wanting favors and making demands for you to act like a sibling to the kid 5. on top of all this he adopted the kid at some point which would have meant going to court against his own brother and he never thought to mention this how do c and j act together like a couple or like two friends co-parenting a child because it really does sound like he realized he was b went off and knocked up jay and then ditched his old family for his new one maybe it was so easy for him to adopt kaye because he's actually the father even if that isn't the case this guy ditched you for seven years he's not your father you don't have to call him dad if you don't want to be polite but do not feel bad pointing out that you're not family if he considered you family he wouldn't have left not the a-hole at all webta adopting only three of our four foster daughters throw away account for privacy english is not my first language so please be kind so my wife and i are raising four foster daughters aged 14 to 16. all of them have been with us from a young age some time ago we had a family discussion about us adoption and after giving it some thought they all said they would like us to adopt them of course we were very happy and honored so we put the process in motion now three of the four girls have either no biological family left or their remaining family agreed to the adoption but in the case of our youngest daughter the family refused they were against her being placed into foster care in the first place yet none of them offered to take them in after her addicted mother abandoned her they have played a fairly marginal role in her life so far however when they don't agree the adoption can't happen and we have to respect that the problem is my youngest daughter has developed abandonment issues after her mother abandoned her at two years old and her going through three foster families before arriving at us she had been in therapy for several years now and although it has gotten a lot better the fears are still present after she heard she couldn't be adopted she got very sad and anxious and talked about how if she was the only one not adopted she would be the only one who could still legally be removed from the family we have been telling her that after almost a decade of her being with us that chance is very small but she is still afraid about it now one of the reasons we wanted to at least propose adoption to our daughters although the main one is of course that we love them to pieces that we would make clear to them that we are committed to being their parent their whole lives not just till they are 18 but while the other three girls are very happy and looking forward to it the whole affair seems to only have made the abandonment issues of the youngest worse and we feel bad about that we have been telling her a lot that if her biological family ever change their minds we will adopt her in a heartbeat and that it won't change how we treat her of her sisters but she is still very sad she isn't sure she wants to come to the adoption ceremony because i will cry for sure and i don't want to ruin it for them we have offered to ceremonially adopt her at the same ceremony but she refused because it isn't the same to be fair it isn't she has never explicitly said she doesn't want us to go through with the adoption of the other three but we can see she is very sad about it and that it is feeding into her issues on the other hand we don't want to disappoint our other daughters so read it would we be the [ __ ] for adopting only three of our daughters now for the top comments info if the parents have not agreed could cps slash ss not go to court to amend the care plan and recommend adoption as it would be in her best interests i work in uk and this would be possible even if the biological family were not agreeing to it that's what i was thinking i'm an awes but most places have laws about acting in the best interests of the child we are only getting one side of the story of course but surely up adopting their youngest is better for the child than the risk of her going back to the disinterested family or having her live in a constant state of anxiety about the possibility of it nta either way yes sorry i should have added on my comment nta it sounds like you actually would adopt her if her biological parents weren't so cruel you're not the [ __ ] the parents are it doesn't sound like parents even but parents family what country is this where family other than the parents have a say i'm guessing the netherlands twee instead of two gave it away or maybe belgium but idk the rules there as far as i know that's not how it works here in the netherlands but i should also say i don't know dutch law you're all stuck in a tough place because your youngest cannot be adopted it sounds like you are supporting her as much as possible through this on top of being caring parents for all of them however it wouldn't be fair on your other daughters to not adopt them and give them the security that adoption provides nap because i don't think the kids are r if you can do adult adoption maybe do that when the youngest is old enough or have some other sort of ceremony i'd say not the a-whole because youngest b.o fam for sure are of course but they are only edit ingot autocorrect tangentially related to this current conflict edit yes they are the root cause of the conflict no doubt and we all agree on that but under subroles the interpersonal conflict here is between op and their daughter i get you the question op is asking doesn't include the youngest daughter's family's role yes the family's decision hurts everyone but that's an entirely different situation leading up to where op is now this is about op and their internal conflict and potentially the daughters no way holes here in that context it like someone asking hey someone shot at me in ww2 so i shot back and killed them ayta not the a-hole hitler is the a-hole for starting all this true but not directly related to the moral question here this is how i interpreted the situation for no a-holes heavies not the a-hole totally agree the b.o family who won't care for the child nor permit the adoption atta nta maybe set an adoption date for her on her 18th birthday make a huge deal about it this is an excellent idea have all the papa work ready and make an appointment for the morning of her 18th birthday involve her in it every step of the way i really really hope that op lives in a country allowing adult adoption my country unfortunately isn't one of those so this isn't always possible even if you want to that being said op would have probably mentioned it in the post if that was the case am i the antagonist for telling my mom's husband he needs therapy when he tried to guilt me into letting him walk me down the aisle my mom married her husband james three years ago i 25 f was not living with my mom at the time nor were we in the same state so i haven't really interacted with him a lot i got engaged during lockdown last year we are planning to get married when everything is safe again i asked my mom if she would walk with me she said yes everything was good then james approached me about two months ago saying he would like to walk me down the aisle that he knows he can't replace my dad but he loves me and my mom and would love to fill the father of the bride role so i can have someone in it i told him my mom was filling the parent of the bride role and that made me happy he pushed a little told me it made more sense for him to do it i said no my mom told me he had just wanted to make the suggestion because he felt maybe i would prefer it i didn't want to fight so i left it alone then he came to me again he talked about how he lost both his girls his wife and daughters died almost 20 years ago and how much it would mean for him to be accepted into that role and would give him the chance to do that with another daughter he told me even if i don't want it would i do that for him so he would have some healing and a chance to be in the role with someone i said no again and he told me i must be very cold to know what it's like to lose a father to do that to someone who lost both his children and is reaching out and offering to do it for you i told him maybe he needs therapy if it's so hard and he's so caught up in the loss of them that he can't see me as my own person and as someone who would want my remaining parent walk with me and fill that role he was offended i would make that suggestion my mom bent over apologizing after she heard what happened i guess she hadn't known the whole thing from before he still i wanna say salty but he's still offended and thinks i overstepped did i am i the antagonist and before anyone asks my fiance and i are paying for the wedding ourselves he is not contributing to anything now for the top comments nta if he still has problems about letting go of his wife and daughters suggesting therapy isn't a bad thing to do he can mourn as long as he needs but projecting onto you isn't healthy he overstepped by trying to guilt you into letting him walk you down the aisle i think he's offended because she took his gas lighting and gave it back to him him i need healing okay go get some then how dare you i wouldn't call this isolated incident gaslighting i'd call it the type of desperation who comes from someone who has unresolved trauma that comes from multiple bereavements it's possibly resurfaced because he's reminded how he'll never see his daughter get married op hasn't made any references to other cases of abuse so we shouldn't just imagine they are there he needs help navigating through it not saying op should help him of course but that he needs some help nta that is a devastating loss and i can't even imagine losing your entire family like that however he 100 needs therapy it's been 20 years and it sounds like he's trying to use you as a stand-in i'm glad your mom sounds like she's on your side and hopefully he doesn't bring it up or try to manipulate your mom onto his side i don't think he just wants to stand in at the wedding i think he wants the whole father-slash-daughter relationship with op that he lost when his own daughters died he probably never expected to get that opportunity again until he met oppsmum so this situation may be relatively new to him and he needs to learn to handle it that's also likely but from what little op has said i don't get the feeling the step dad has put too much effort in before this nta and honestly he's weird for even having made the suggestion in the first place he came into your life as an adult was never a father figure to you so walking you down the aisle no yes exactly so weird and uncomfortable asking once was awkward enough we see he's a stranger to you but to then insist who thankfully op isn't getting married for a while so it won't hopefully be super cringe at the wedding nta he told me even if i don't want it would i do that for him wtf you barely know the guy and he told to you to disregard your own feelings on your own wedding day tell him to foe what is he on edit thank you for the award omg and another one what kind of man has the audacity to ask a woman he barely knows to turn her wedding into his personal therapy session does he really believe that a 45 second walk with a stranger is going to cure him why is he asking her to give up what she has planned on an incredibly important day just to cater to his wants he could have slapped her face and said you mean nothing i'm the only person that matters in this world and it would have the same effect edit spelling is hard even if he knew he four years no means no she has the right to say no idtp pl get that you have a right to say yes or no to something

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Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords: aita, askreddit, reddit aita, reddit open marriage, reddit, cheating reddit, reddit cheating wife, reddit cheating, aita update, reddit relationships, reddit update, reddit stories, reddit funny, reddit breakup stories, reddit confession, relationship STORIES, reddit family relationships, reddit relationship advice, relationship drama, break ups, reddit cheating girlfriend, reddit revenge, reddit creepy, reddit school, reddit relationship stories, tifu, reddit hunt

Id: RqpoDC7eIIM

Length: 25min 26sec (1526 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 06 2021