AITA For Not Adopting My Foster Daughter [Reddit Relationships Advice]

hey guys check out our new channel for more edit relationship stories relationship hunt link in description enjoy the video am i the antagonist for telling my sister i don't give her about her problems i 28 f have a sister 23 f she's my youngest sibling we also have a brother 25 male for as long as i can remember my sister has used me as her confidant and honestly i don't usually mind but she's always had these really big problems and at times it can be emotionally draining to be the person she turns to dump her problems on in the last two years it's been even worse at a young age 19 i was diagnosed with infertility i was told it would be highly unlikely i would ever be able to have a biological child then a couple of years ago when my husband and i wanted to explore our options we were told there was hope and so we began our journey to grow our family my sister is a mom of three kids she's in a very toxic relationship and cps has been involved in their case because of her boyfriend my husband and i have been very open with our families about our struggle because we were hoping everyone would understand that we might be preoccupied and busy i spoke to my sister and told her i would need some space from being her person to confide in while i was dealing with that stuff she whined a little but she seemed to respect my boundary that lasted all of a month before she was gradually complaining to me more and more and ignoring when i would tell her not to circumstances got worse for her after christmas and she has tried to dump so much on me finding out her boyfriend cheated had a kid with someone else got another woman pregnant one of her kids is special needs and her boyfriend is kind of a deadbeat she was telling me how hard life was and was feeling like she was drowning she was complaining that the women her ex got pregnant wanted stuff from them and she said something shitty about the baby he has with someone else and the unborn child with the other woman and how unlucky it was to have all those kids and she was upset it was going to ruin her chance to have more kids i hung up the phone on her that time and i couldn't talk to her afterward my husband came up with an excuse he knew what had happened to avoid confrontation we both hope that would be the end but she called me on her boyfriend's phone last week and she was trying to vent again and i snapped i told her i didn't give a [ __ ] about her problems while i'm dealing with my own i told her i had enough of my own [ __ ] to deal with without her unloading her [ __ ] on me and i hung up the phone and i blocked both numbers she bitched to our family about me and our brother said she told everyone i was selfish and self-absorbed and had no compassion for anyone but myself he told me he found it ironic to call me that when she's the one with no compassion for me she's pissed and my parents want us both to apologize they said she was in the wrong but i could have handled it better too am i the antagonist now for the top comments nta it's great your your sister feels like she can turn to you when she has issues but you are absolutely allowed to prioritize your own mental health it's really important to set boundaries and keep them with family exactly not the a-hole you tried to set a clear boundary and she broke it nta however it is not surprising for someone who has clearly not respected her own boundaries by staying with someone who doesn't respect them to also not respect her sister's boundary and i get it i only rather recently got out of a relationship with someone who was extremely toxic it was difficult to leave but it didn't give me license to complain to everyone about a situation i wasn't fixing you established a boundary and she broke it then she complains when you don't want to break your boundary yourself nta never let people tell you you're selfish for focusing on yourself every now and again you need to look after yourself nta she has the self-awareness of a stone to whine about too many babies to someone struggling with fertility even if that wasn't the main issue constantly complaining about self-inflicted problems would drive anyone to cut her off oh god i would have gone mental to have someone with three kids complaining back when we were trying to have kids i would have at least said yeah it's so sad that people who shouldn't have kids keep having them personally i would only give the sister condoms four gifts from now on but i'm cranky old woman op should send brochures for vasectomies since it's the sisters bf who keeps knocking up women at least then there won't be any more kids i'd say not the a-hole here you tried to set boundaries and asked her to stop because it has been taking a toll on you which she refused to respect it is not your responsibility to be there 100 of the time when she wants to vent when you also have a lot on your mind you have expressed this to her and you even got out of a situation that upset you before going off on her then for her to go and use her boyfriend's phone to contact you is absolutely ridiculous she needs to respect your boundaries nta you asked nicely and your siblings don't consider your reaction extreme tell mum and dad nicely to stay out of it you've had enough of her bitching you do not have to be your sister's whipping boy when her lousy life choices catch up on her also the only time she does ring you is when it's another problem at no point does she ring you to ask how you are or how your life is her conversation is always a one-way street and you decided that you no longer wanted the traffic you don't need calls from a disaster diva who only calls to tell you how awful her life is nta and i'm sure your parents love you but i'm always a bit wary when people say you could have handled it a bit better if you were someone who had a history of snapping sure i get it but it doesn't sound like it from your post so maybe they could stop and consider how badly things had to have gone to the limit for you to snap when you did i'm also really sorry about the problems with fertility you're having we went through something similar over a decade ago and to this day don't actually know why we didn't get pregnant other avenues didn't get too far and now we are child free can't say it's a bad life only that i know my hubby who was way more into having kids really struggled with it maybe even still does to some extent guys a freaking natural parent it's so warming to see am i the antagonist for refusing to help my wife paint my wife and i have wanted to paint just about every room in our house since we moved in mid-2018 last fall i got covered and was home for three weeks my wife was already wfh because of the pandemic and since her job is 75 travel she had almost nothing to do her days consisted of responding to an occasional email and streaming netflix i decided to use my time off asymptomatic to get as much painting done as i could my wife told me she couldn't help because she had to be at her computer in case she was needed total bs but fine so i would paint in the day and do regular housework at night in two weeks i had every single room painted it wasn't back breaking or anything but the most help i got was in choosing paint colors paint colors that she now regrets our dining room which doubled as her office is now a nice gray but now that her building at work is going to be the vaccination site for her company she's working from home again for the next two weeks no travel scheduled she wants it repainted to some kind of darker red i told her i'm perfectly fine with her painting the room but i already did it once by myself and i wasn't painting again she told me that wasn't fair because i painted while i was home not doing anything and she couldn't help because she was working now i'm actually working all day and i don't want to come home and paint at night especially after doing it all by myself not even six months ago am i the antagonist for refusing to help her edit i forgot to include that her emails go to her phone and watch both are always on her second edit since a lot of people have the same question according to her the mls she receives are not urgent 75 of her job is travel as i said when she isn't traveling she's preparing things for the next trip so since there is no next trip there's nothing to prepare for her office is actually the dining room im not willing to let her have free reign over color choices because of that im not some controlling douchebag who insists on having the final day of every detail of our house this is a common space and we have to agree on the color we agreed on the color before i painted the first time through several amazing friends we got a ton of swatches and several samples before we bought paint this post is obviously not a full painting of our relationship please stop telling me that we're headed for a divorce please stop trying to tell me that my wife is insane and that i should leave her please stop telling me that i'm a controlling piece of [ __ ] now for the top comments nta your wife is weird maybe say i already did it and it's fresh and done if you want something else then that is your choice but i'm done yup pretty much exactly what i've said i told her that if she regretted the color then that's fine i told her we could pick a new one but it would be on her to get it on the wall totally a reasonable response hell who says she herself has to do it if she's that upset about it y'all can hire somebody to do it for you if you have the funds nta she is the only one who wants it painted the painting is not a need or even necessary because it was just painted a color she helped pick out if she wants it painted a different color she can do it maybe i'm just petty but even if she didn't help pick out the color she doesn't like it she should fix it no in a shared dwelling it is a dick move to unilaterally decide on a paint color and impose it on the other tenants she helped pick this color and didn't do any of the work so she can do the work of repainting now but op would be the [ __ ] 100 if he had chosen a color without her and just painted the walls i would assume the hypothetical situation still includes a veto option nta how does she respond when you explain the situation to her like you just did here she needs to accept the same excuse she gave you before she argues that we are both working all day so we should just paint the room in the evening is this the only kind of self-centered non-reciprocal behavior she's exhibited or is it typical i had a lot of this exact kind of thing with my ex who would argue against objective facts to get what he wanted and would deflect or attack rather than addressing what i was saying no this is pretty much it well glad to hear it if this kind of behavior starts turning up more frequently make note of it in my marriage it went from a couple of odd moment slash conversations to becoming a regular thing nta presumably she helped choose the grey original color as she helped pick them and not being able to help was bs as long as she was checking in every so often she could have at least helped with prep clean brushes give you a break for 15 minutes etc as long as she was checking in every so often my biggest argument at the time was that her emails go to her watch so she wouldn't even have to go check for new emails what happens when she goes to the toilet or gets a cuppa does she have to pee at her desk am i the antagonist for not adopting my foster daughter hired it i'm 37 f and have been married to my husband for 12 years and we have an 11 year old son jeremy my husband and i have always wanted to adopt but after we had jeremy we wanted to focus on him we felt about two years ago we could begin fostering as it would be an ideal time to introduce the child we met jessica f9 she was seven at the time and she had been in the system since she was three she had moved between three houses in the last two years it was really sad and she seemed to be going through a lot we decided to take her in she has been having difficulties with jeremy ever since she was very shy at first and he was outgoing my husband and i have been working with a therapist for the last year and a half she has made great progress she has made friends and is doing well at school recently she has even been calling us mom and dad which makes my heart melt while her relationship with us has been blooming our son has had nothing but animosity with her we no longer give him our undivided attention and we do put a bit more into jessica as she needs it she needs to feel secure and we won't just dump her it's come to the point whenever he sees her his eyes are filled with an intense hatred no one should ever have it's bone chilling our relationship with our son has suffered as well he is always in his room studying he is three years ahead of where he should be and gives us one word answers and does not take part with us on family events before we had weekly outings with him as a family now it's just us and jessica while he goes to a friend's place my son has always been close to his father's side two months ago after coming back from visiting them we got an angry call from his grandparents the next thing we knew my bill his uncle has moved into our neighborhood he is a successful investor and has always taken a liking to my son he has even offered to pay for him to go to a private school from next year my son and him are both academics and he spends most of his time there he even has his own room and sleeps the nights there we've tried to become more assertive but we are only met with more resistance sill and her family come and visit bill a lot and they have family outings while completely ignoring us and our foster daughter she even joked that if we kept this up we were going to lose parental rights this really terrified me because she is a cutthroat lawyer who's even come on national news my husband is buckling under the family pressure and wants our son back we tried to ask him how to repair the relationship but his only answer is she has to go no therapy nothing we were recently approached by cps to adopt her and jessica seems very keen on becoming our daughter but as things stand now we cannot no matter how much we want to my husband wants our son back and has been crying a lot a friend of mine called me enough for giving up jessica but i can't see another way now for the top comments ita but judging from all your responses to others input all you want is for someone to tell your fears are perfectly justified and that you aren't a terrible person for hurting your son for years and getting ready to traumatize your daughter she calls you mom and you live it so the formality is irrelevant oh your in-laws are so mean who tf cares these are your children you fight for their well-being and happiness that is what a good mother would do at any rate her fears are justified but for all the wrong reasons exactly everything she fears i'm doing she's doing herself just said how she cannot see the truth info did you ever talk to jeremy two about how he would feel if you started fostering kids beforehand op can't even stand up to the grandparents enough to get her kid health care what do you think well i'm guessing that they didn't but either way if they didn't or if they did and he said he didn't want to foster kid or kids in the house then they are completely tas here unfortunately there are probably only two solutions here which both suck they keep jessica but loose jeremy or they lose jessica and keep jeremy therapy can't always fix everything info why is there no mention of therapy for your son for the entire nuclear family up you're the a-hole it sounds like your fear of your sill is rooted in the fact that you have given her a case you've neglected your son and let him live with family members and take a backseat to jessica and now that you feel like that may have consequences you're willing to even consider tossing aside a child with trauma who will likely be exceptionally traumatized by this rejection i started out categorizing your son's behavior as almost tantrum-like and your in-laws is enabling that behavior but your replies and some other comments have kind of shifted my view you let them raise your kid while you played rescue ranger and now that's going to bite you in the ass you have failed both of your children she gets her son makes him come back and you file a restraining order against the in-laws and call the police how are they losing their bratty son the son is a spoiled little brat what grounds exactly do they have for a restraining order this family member is providing my son with emotional support and i don't like it especially with the lawyer still they'd be laughed out of court and probably lead to a cps investigation for neglect i don't want my kid near them parents win they can deny who he goes into contact with it's parental rights i can't speak for outside the u.s but here yeah they can cut anyone off they want cps won't find they have neglect give me a break people who say that were spoiled kids yes parents can deny contact but you specifically said a restraining order that comes with specific standards being met they would get laughed out of court if they tried to get one they are literally barely housing the kid at this point and they admitted to leaving him home during family outings he's definitely at an age where he will be interviewed you really want to bet cps won't find neglect i'm very sorry your own parents didn't pay attention to you growing up but i'm here to let you know that wasn't normal and that your parents lied to you when they told you that only spoiled children want attention from their parents i'm actually with the husband here who has realized you've neglected your son and yes you have lost him you dropped one kid overnight and justified it by saying this traumatized child needed me more you need to get over it some weird savior gratification thing the only way to get him back is to reassure him he counts and comes first which he hasn't four years tbh i don't think he'll forget the last two years anyway he'll be scarred from your and his father's betrayal you didn't even ask him if he minded jessica coming to join his home and when he made his displeasure you focus more on her ignored him winter well bill will take care of him and he'll come round eventually and worst of all you intentionally further fostered a relationship with jessica and let her call you both mum and dad you think jeremy didn't see you happily replacing him before his eyes even on the weekly family trips you didn't add a child to the family you obliterated your existing one which means if you want a hope and hell of getting jeremy back a traumatized child who simply needs you more bc or his mother you can't adopt jessica am i the antagonist for calling out a teacher hi all i 24 f avenis 7f who we will call k who is the daughter of my 40f sister and her husband i go to grad school about 2 hours away from where they live so i'm often with k when kate turned six i asked her what she wanted for her birthday from me and she told me she wanted to spend the day with me i did her justice on this birthday i'll let her pick whatever movie she wanted to watch and such i'll let her choose from all of my movies and i told her i could find absolutely any movie she could want to watch lo and behold she chose captain america the winter soldier my sister tells me she chose it because she heard me tell her that the best captain america movie is winter soldier but who knows kids are funny like that well regardless although i was a bit hesitant i put it on and she loved it much like a sponge she absorbed the entire plot she was quiet throughout the whole thing aside from a few questions and she had grand old time the next time i saw her she asked if we could watch every movie i agree to but i kind of expected her to lose interest but no k watched all of them and she understood all of the intertwining storylines and was a great movie watching partner during my spring break we watched one division and shed tears together i get a phone call a few weeks ago from my sister and it's k on the other end asking if i'll go to a big presentation she's doing for her class about something they care about or find interesting with parents and such invited to come watch she did hers on bucky barnes her main squeeze and since it was on a friday i agreed kaye absolutely kills it she explains bucky barnes from ww2 to hydra to his assassination background which a few of the parents shared concerned laughs about but she made sure to include that he was recovering as of late haha when i picked her up she's all bummed out and tells me someone has to talk to her teacher well i go and her teacher tells me she told her that it was inappropriate for her that perhaps she should be focusing her interest on things thing more appropriate for gals i was confused but eventually i asked her if she would tell the same thing to a boy in her class with a similar interest i told her she was maintaining a double standard which was only serving to hurt interests and that her job was to encourage not to tear down her teacher told me that perhaps i shouldn't expose her to such things and i told her that perhaps she should reavail at her teaching skills and where she puts her attention because some of the students presentations were god-awful even for first graders well turns out she sent an email to my sister and brother-in-law but my sister sent a complaint up the flagpole and now the teacher is being monitored closely to see if she'll be kept for the following school year am i the antagonist i kind of feel like it because she might get fired now for the top comments nta the teacher not only introduced gender bias but wanted you to shut down a child's enthusiasm for something they enjoy that person should not be allowed around children in an educational environment i despair that little girls still face this crap in 2021 100 this a teacher plays a vital part in forming their students any teacher with this type of attitude needs a new career path away from developing minds as a young boy my parents actually got me hair dressing sets and kitchens to play with because those were things i was very passionate about i'm autistic so also tend to become very obsessed with my special interests especially as a child they supported me because it made me happy i had many comments from teachers classmates and plenty of others growing up that my hair was too girly always kept it very long as a teen or that i shouldn't wear nail varnish or eyeliner and must be gay or wish i was a girl i happen to simply be a straight guy that believes that no toy should be gendered and people should enjoy whatever makes them feel good it's time to stop the gender norms bullocks i'm a bully beardy tough ass [ __ ] with two black belts and if i want to sleep with my ikey shark and stop by my neighbor's house to smell the flowers ain't nobody telling me that's not manly edit thanks for the awards dudes and dudettes love you back dee i just want you to know you deserve all of the sharks and to smell all of the flowers you too kind stranger you too nta if she gets fired it's her own fault nta if she gets fired either they were planning on non-renewing her anyway or this is part of a bigger patent of inappropriate comments yeah i doubt one comment would put her on probation i sense a bigger issue nta that teacher is sexist and that means it has no place in schools you stood by your niece and she'll know you will defend her and help her when she needs it nta did she seriously say avengers and superhero type stuff is not julie man i was a major tomboy as a kid and liked to be rough and tumble hubby liked the fact i didn't mind camping or getting sweaty working in the yard etc my daughter is much the same she loves the avenger movies and has it as our little bonding movie thing why isn't avengers in the mcu on journey mcu has many female superheroes who are an inspiration black widow captain marvel mariah hill wanda maximoff the list goes on engine kinda pushed just how many strong female superheroes there are in the mcu and did not try to be subtle about it at all probably could have done it much much better but at least they got screen time to do stuff esh the teacher sucked because she brought gender into it it doesn't matter what you pick there are no boy slash girl things you guys suck because it is an appropriate topic for a seven year old to present in school i teach and at the end of the day if parents choose certain films to watch with children at home that's their call however what will get you in trouble is if that content is carried over into school and is then exposed to other children whose parents have chosen to follow age ratings e g the movie it a few of my class have watched this teach 10 year olds and reminded them when they started to talk about it slash draw about it that is a movie rated older than themselves and they are not to discuss it in school it would not be fair for another child to get told about or exposed to that if they've chosen not to which could upset them you have to take some responsibility in this too for example what if another parent had complained about the content also not cool with some of the students presentations were god awful they are first graders getting up speaking in front of people is a massive achievement for them that was a rare thing to say nta good on you for sticking up for your niece a teacher shouldn't be discouraging students from interests just because it isn't gender norm shame on her for teaching children double standards i'm glad the school is monitoring her because she should not be teaching those discriminatory ideals to her impressionable students

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Keywords: aita, askreddit, reddit aita, reddit open marriage, reddit, cheating reddit, reddit cheating wife, reddit cheating, aita update, reddit relationships, reddit update, reddit stories, reddit funny, reddit breakup stories, reddit confession, relationship STORIES, reddit family relationships, reddit relationship advice, relationship drama, break ups, reddit cheating girlfriend, reddit revenge, reddit creepy, reddit school, reddit relationship stories, tifu, reddit hunt

Id: Qn5HhBbTsD0

Length: 27min 15sec (1635 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 13 2021