33 Minutes of George Carlin

is another one of these civic customs swearing on the Bible you understand that chin they tell you to raise your right hand place your left hand on the Bible does this stuff really matter which hand does God really give a fuck about details like this suppose you put your right hand in the Bible you raise your left hand with that count but what God say sorry wrong hand try again and what why does one hand have to be raised what is the magic in this gesture this seems like some sort of a primitive voodoo mojo stick why not put your left hand on the Bible that your right hand hang down by your side it's more natural or put it in your pocket remember what your mother used to say don't put your hands in your pockets does she know something we don't know is this hand shit really important well let's get back to the Bible America's favorite national theatrical prop suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down or backward or both and you swear to tell the truth on an upside down backward Bible with that count suppose the Bible I hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible in an American Court or a Braille Bible and you're not blind suppose they hand you an upside down backwards I knees Braille Bible with half the pages missing [Music] at what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up they fucking made it up folks it's make-believe it's make-believe now all right [Music] let's leave the Bible aside we'll get back to the science fiction reading later the more important question is what is the big deal about swearing to God in the first place why does swearing to God mean you're gonna tell the truth wouldn't affect me if they said to me you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God I'd say yeah I'll tell you about as much truth as the people who wrote that fucking Bible how do you like that swearing on the Bible doesn't mean anything it's kids weren't 'god is kid stuff did you know that when you were a kid if you if you told another kids something he didn't quite believe he so you swear to God I would always say yeah I swear to God even if I was lying why not what's gonna happen if I lie nothing nothing happens if you lie unless you get caught and that's a whole different story sometimes a kid would think he was being slick with me and he'd say you swear on your mother's grave I'd say yeah why not first of all my mother was alive she didn't even have a grave second of all even if she was dead what's she gonna do rise from the grave and come and haunt me come and haunt me all because I told a lie to an eight-year-old get fucking real with you sometimes I would say I swear on my mother's tits kids are impressed with things like that I mean I don't care about my mother's tits either I don't care if they fell off fucker not my problem there your tits my you keep an eye on it swearing to God does it mean anything swearing on the Bible doesn't mean anything you know why because Bible or no Bible got it Oh God if it suits their purposes people are gonna lie in court the police do it all the time all the time yes they do it's part of their job to protect to serve and to commit perjury whenever it supports the state's case swear it on the Bible is just one more way of controlling people and keeping them in line and it's one more thing that holds us back as a species the Ten Commandments here's my problem why are they 10 you don't need 10 I think the list of Commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to 10 it's a padded list here's what they did about 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people how to keep him in line they knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told so they announced that God had given them some Commandments up on the mountain when no one was around God had given them that Ten Commandments but let me ask you this when they were sitting around making this shit up why did they pick 10 why 10 why not 9 or 11 I'll tell you why cuz 10 sounds official 10 sounds important they knew 4 was 11 people wouldn't take it seriously so why do you kidding me the 11 commandments get the fuck out of here but 1010 sounds important ten is the basis for the decimal system it's a decade it's a psychologically satisfying number the top ten the 10 most wanted the 10 best-dressed so having ten commandments was really a marketing decision to me it's clearly a bullshit list it's a political document artificially inflated to sell better I'm gonna show you how you could reduce the number of Commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical we're going to start with the first three and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was taught as a little boy I am THE LORD thy God thou shalt not have strange gods before me thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath right off the bat the first three pure bullshit Sabbath Sabbath day Lord's name strange gods spooky language spoken language designed to scare and control primitive people in no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century you throw out the first three Commandments one you're down to seven next honor thy father and mother obedience respect for authority just another name for controlling people the truth is obedience and respect should not be automatic they should be earned they should be based on the parents performance parents some some parents deserve respect most of them don't period you're down to six now in the interest of logic something religion is very uncomfortable with we're going to jump around the list a little bit thou shalt not steal thou shalt not bear false witness stealing and lying well actually these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior dishonesty stealing and lying so you don't need two of them instead you combine them and you call it thou shalt not be dishonest and suddenly you're down to five and as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together thou shalt not commit adultery thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife once again these two prohibit the same kind of behavior in this case marital infidelity the difference is coveting takes place in the mind and I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife otherwise what's a guy going to think about when he's waxing his carrot but marital fidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep the idea and call this one thou shalt not be unfaithful and suddenly we're down to four but when you think about it honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so in truth you could combine the two honesty Commandments with the two fidelity Commandments and give them simpler language positive language instead of negative and call the whole thing thou shalt always be honest and faithful and we're down to three thou shalt thou shalt they're going away they're going away fast thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Goods this one is just plain fucking stupid coveting your neighbor's Goods is what keeps the economy going your neighbor gets a vibrator the plays o come all ye faithful do you want to get one too coveting creates jobs leave it alone you're throught coveting you're down to two now the big honesty infidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet thou shalt not kill murder the fifth commandment but when you think about it when you think about it religion has never really had a big problem with murder not really more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason [Applause] all you have to do is look at Northern Ireland the Middle East Kashmir the Inquisition the Crusades and the World Trade Centre to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill the more devout they are the more they see murder as being negotiable it's negotiable you know with the pennies it depends it depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed so with all of this in mind I leave you with my revised list of the two Commandments thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy Nicky and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone unless of course they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to to is all you need Moses could have carried him down the hill in his fucking pocket and if they had a list like that I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall as long as they included one additional commandment thou shalt keep their religion to thyself Oh some people don't like you to talk like that oh so people don't like to shut you up for saying those things you know it had lots of people lots of groups in this country want to tell you how to talk tell you what you can't talk about well sometimes they'll say well you can talk about something but you can't joke about it say you can't talk about something cause it's not funny comedians running to that shit all the time like great they'll say you can't talk about rape rapes not funny I say fuck you I think it's hilarious how do you like that I can prove to you that rape is funny picture Porky Pig raping elmer fudd see hey why do you think they call him porky and i know what you're gonna say elmer was asking for it elmo was coming on to porky porky couldn't help himself he got a hard-on he got horny lost control he went out of his mind a lot of men talk like that a lot of men think that way to think the thing is the woman's fault I'd like to blame the rape on the woman say hey she had it coming she was wearing a short skirt these guys think women ought to go to prison for being cock teasers don't seem fair to me don't seem right but you can joke about it I believe you can joke about anything it all depends on how you construct the joke what the exaggeration is what the exaggeration is because every joke needs one exaggeration every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion give you an example you ever see a news story like this in the paper every now and then you run into a story says some guy broke into a house stole a lot of things and while he was in there he raped an 81 year old woman and I'm thinking to myself why what the fuck kind of a social life does this guy have I want to say why did you do that well she was coming on to me we were dancin and I got horny hey she was asking for it she had on a tight bathrobe let's say Jesus Christ be a little fucking selective next time will ya now speaking of rape you know what I wonder I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole these are the kind of things I think about when I'm sitting home alone and the power goes out I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the North Pole I mean per capita I know the populations are different most people think it's the equator I think it's the North Pole people think it's the equator because it's hot down there they don't wear a lot of clothing guys can see women's tits they get horny and there's a lot of fucking going on that's exactly why there's less rape at the equator because there's a lot of fucking going on you can tell us a lot of fucking at the equator take a look at the population figures billions of people live near the equator how many Eskimos we got 30 35 no one's getting laid in the North Palmas no fucking call guys say to their wives hey tonight honey huh tonight huh are you crazy the windchill factor is 305 these guys have deprived their horn either pent up every now and then they bust out they got to rape somebody now the biggest problem an eskimo rapist has trying to get wet leather leggings off a woman who's kicking you ever tried to get a leather pants off of someone who doesn't want to take them off you would lose your hard-on in the process up at the North Pole your dick would shrivel up like a stack of Dimes that's another thing I wonder I wonder does a rapist have a hard-on when he leaves the house in the morning well does he develop it during the day while he's walking around looking for somebody these are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools now I probably got the feminists all pissed off of me because I'm joking about rape feminists want to control your language feminists want to tell you how to talk and they're not alone they're not alone I'm not picking on the feminists they got a lot of company in this country there's a lot of groups a lot of institution this country want to control your language tell you what you can say and what you can't say government wants to tell you some things you can't say because they're against the law or you can't say this because it's against a regulation well here's something you can't say because it's a secret you can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought and basically that's the game they're in same with religion religion is nothing but mind control religion is just trying to control your mind control your thoughts so they're going to tell you some things you shouldn't say because their sins and besides telling you things you shouldn't say religion is gonna suggest to you some things you ought to be saying yes something honest a first thing when you wake up in the morning is something you're to say just before you go to sleep at night here's something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 o'clock when the bells ring religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying same with political groups of all kinds political activists anti-bias groups special interest groups are going to suggest the correct political vocabulary the way you ought to be saying things and that's where the feminists come in now as I said I got nothing against the feminists in fact I happen to agree with most of the feminist philosophy I have read I agree for instance that for the most part men are vain ignorant greedy brutal assholes who just about ruined this planet because with just about ruined this planet because they're afraid someone might have a bigger dick out there somewhere men are basically insecure about the size of their dicks and so they go to war over it you don't have to be a political scientist or a history major to see the bigger dick foreign policy theory at work it goes something like this what they have bigger dicks bomb them and of course the bombs and the bullets and the rockets are all shaped like dicks I don't understand that part of it but it is part of the equation so I agree with that abstract that that man men males have pushed the technology that just about has this planet in a stranglehold mother earth raped again guess who a she was asking for it I also happen to like it when feminists attack these fat ass housewives who think there's nothing more to life than sitting home on the telephone drinking coffee watching TV and pumping out a baby every nine months but what's the alternative what's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months pointless careerism pointless careerism putting on a man tailored suit with shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men this is the noblest thing that women can think of to take a job in a criminal corporation that's poisoning the environment and robbing customers out of their money this is the worthy esteem they can think of isn't there's something normally they could do to be helping this planet heal you don't hear much about that from these middle-class women I've noticed that most of these feminists are white middle class women they don't give a shit about black women's problems they don't care about Latino women all they're interested in is their own reproductive freedom and their pocketbooks but when it comes to changing the language I think they make some good points because we do think in language and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language so maybe some of this patriarchal shit way I think spokesman ought to be spokesperson I think chairman ought to be chairperson I think mankind ought to be humankind but they take it too far they take themselves too seriously they exaggerate they want me to call that thing in the street a person hold cover I think that's taken it a little bit too far what would you call a lady's man a person's person that would make a he-man innit person little kids would be afraid of the boogey person they'd look up on the sky and see the person in the moon guys would say come back here and fight like a person and we'd all sing for it's a jolly good person that's the kind of thing you would hear on Late Night with David Letterman [Applause] so I think it's an exaggeration and I like to piss off any group that takes itself a little bit too seriously and it does not take a lot of imagination to piss off a feminist all you got to do is run into now headquarters or MS magazine and say hey which one of your cute little cupcakes wants to come home and cook me a nice meal and give me a blowjob oh that pisses them off you want to piss off a feminist caller a cum catcher that'll get her attention don't act disgusted don't act disgusted half of you are going to go home and go down on each other tonight remember if you're willing to swallow come let's not make-believe something I said was disgusting okay I like people but I like them in short bursts I don't like people for extended periods of time I'm alright with them for a little while but once you get up passed around minute minute and a half I gotta get the fuck out of there and my reason for this my reason is for one that you may share possibly I have a very low tolerance level for stupid bullshit [Applause] and everyone wants to tell you their stupid bullshit and a lot of no know when to stop talking you ever run into that guy doesn't know when to stop talking just continues running at the mouth like verbal diarrhea don't know and the conversations over stupid trivial shit you don't care anything about things you're not even remotely interested in they tell you about my mom and dad well my mom and dad went on vacation down to Mammoth Cave Kentucky this about six years ago I think seemed like it was six about six years ago six or seven possibly seven could be yeah somewhere in there six seven more than six less than seven let's call it six and a half so my mom and dad went on vacation to Mammoth Cave Kentucky and my dad found a big rock what he thought was a big rock turns out it was a dinosaur turd a petrified dinosaur turd twenty-seven pounder you know now that I think of it it might have been eight years ago that would have been close to y2k wouldn't it remember y2k whatever happened everybody's all worried about that nothing ever happened big fuss nothing ever happened no dad let's train you know so let's say well say it's eight you eight years eight it was either 8 or 5 so my dad I gave my mama's big turkeys in here mom this is a big dinosaur turd put it in your purse to take that home my mom said dad I don't think this is a dinosaur turd this thing is still warm whoever dropped this thing is still walking around in here and we better get the fuck out of this cave nine years ago nine I know it was nine because my wife was pregnant with our first boy mock moody Bunnell Sayid Ben Salaam and he's ten now or is he 18 eleven maybes eleven he's either eleven or five and while all this is going on you're searching through your mind for something diplomatic and tactical and graceful that you can say to help end the conversation and all I can ever come up with is blow it out your ass when it comes to bullshit big-time major-league bullshit you have to stand in awe in all of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims religion no contest no contact religion religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told think about it religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day and the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do and if do any of these ten things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time but he loves you he loves you and he needs money he always needs money he's all-powerful all-perfect all-knowing and all-wise somehow just can't handle money religion takes in billions of dollars they pay no taxes and they always need a little more now you talk about a good bullshit story holy shit yeah sometimes it's okay but not all the time that's and they're the only words that seem to have that restriction I mean there are a lot of words you can say whenever you want you know pneumoniae nobody gives you a letter all right you can't yell it in the hospital a great deal but what the hell there are words that you can say no problem topography no one has ever gone to jail for screaming topography but there are some words that you can put a jail for there are some words that we just have decided we will not say all the time sometimes okay if you're running through the jungle chasing somebody that we're at war with you can holler berm if you're shooting a criminal it's okay it's the all-american thing dirty fuckin crook but if you're with the Bishop's wife at lunch it's better enough to ask him a goddamn lettuce you know what I mean it's just like we've decided there be some whereas we won't say all the time and I was just trying to find out which words they were for sure all of them I wanted a list cuz nobody gives you a list that's the problem they don't give you a list wouldn't you think it'd be normal if they didn't want you to say something to tell you what it is nobody even tells you when you're a kid what the words are that you're supposed to avoid you have to say them to find out which ones they are shit fuck that's two oh ma that's enough trial and error please MA give me a list huh all right you're six years old now and here's the list of words your dad and I don't ever want to hear you say hey thanks my boy that's gonna save me an ass-kicking there too [Music] yeah you never know what's gonna be on the list cuz it's always somebody else's list you didn't make that up somebody told you that shit they told you better we do not say that so you gonna and you don't know what's gonna be on their list God people's lists even change from day to day some people on Friday night got a list you know about two or three words Sunday morning goddamn they make 27 words these are the same people two days later different list so you gotta kind of watch out what you're gonna believe from them the trouble is I was trying to find out what these words might be and I wanted to know the ones that you could never say on television I mean the filthy words that are always filthy there are a lot of these little two-way double long-tongued words that have two meanings words that there's okay part of the time I call them like part time filth some of these words they're only 50% dirty they have words like ass ass was hardly even a dirty word anymore but it has a few meanings that you can't say on television that's what I was talking about what can you say on television that's another one of those places where we can't use these words all the time but some of them are all right some of the time ass is all right on television you can say on television things like well you've made a perfect ass of yourself tonight but you can't say hey let's go get some ass [Music] bitch bitch is another word like that same kind of word it's the only dirty part of the time depends on what you mean by bitch you might be the lady from the San Diego Zoo visiting one of the tonight shows and you might just have a bunch of little canines with you there one of them is a female you see there's the bitch Johnny and it's okay fine just don't refer to the singer the same way that's is that bitch gonna do another number yes animals are fine on those two-way words and that's it that's what I was trying to find the words that were always dirty not just part of the time but completely filth well in in looking for these words I kept finding new categories we have so many ways of describing these dirty words it's well we have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words that seems a little strange to me it seems to indicate that somebody was awfully interested in these words they kept referring to them they called them bad words dirty filthy foul vile bug course in poor taste unseemly street talk gotta talk locker room language parents talk body naughty saucy raunchy rude crude lewd lascivious indecent profane obscene blue off-color risque suggestive Kherson cussing swearing and all I could think of was shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits [Music] shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker and tits that was my original list I knew it wasn't complete but it was a starter set [Music] yes WBAI is the one who played them shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker and tits now that was the original as we've added a few words since then we've added fart turd and twat and I know there are some other words that many of you are wondering about why they haven't been considered why they haven't shown up on the list thus far we're looking at them all very closely some of your favorites might make the list this year asshole ball bag hard-on piss hard blue balls paint rookie snatch box pussy pecker pecker head pecker tracks jism joint Donecker torque poontang cornhole and dingleberry jingle very a very popular word and to my way of thinking dingleberry a rather innocent sounding or a dingleberry sounds Christmasy to me let's put one on the tree dad and the greatest arrogance of all save the planet what are these fucking people kidding me save the planet we don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet we haven't learned how to care for one another we're gonna save the fucking planet I'm tired of fucking Earth Day I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists these white booj wahhh liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths people trying to make the world safe for their vole hoes besides environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet they don't care about the planet not in the abstract they don't not in the abstract they don't you know what they're interested in a clean place to live their own habitat they're worried that someday in the future they might be personally inconvenienced narrow unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me besides there is nothing wrong with the planet nothing wrong with the planet the planet is fine the people are fucked difference difference the planet is fine [Applause]

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 1,008,304

Rating: 4.8359318 out of 5

Keywords: george carlin, stand up comedy, comedy, best of george carlin, carlin, george, funny, 10 commandments, religion, saving the planet, anti pc, jokes, 7 dirty words, bible, bible jokes, funny jokes, 33 minutes of george carlin, laugh planet, 2020

Id: 6IvmVqGycEo

Length: 32min 41sec (1961 seconds)

Published: Thu May 28 2020