12 Passive Aggressive Tactics Covert Narcissists Love To Use

if you have ongoing exposure to controlling people it's a virtual certainty that you're going to experience blurry boundaries which is why i have created the extensive online course called this is me establishing boundaries with the controllers in your life there's a link below that will give you all of the details and i hope that you would find it in therapeutic [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] i'm sure you're familiar with the term covert narcissism when we talk about a narcissist who has a covert pattern we're talking about someone who has all of the primary ingredients that go into the making of narcissism the high need for control the very self-absorbed style attitude of entitlement condescension manipulation lack of empathy but the covert is quite skilled at hiding the the fullness of that narcissistic dimension behind a veil of normalcy and so you don't really see it right up front now there's one huge pattern though that tends to go along with the covert narcissist that tips you off as to what you're dealing with and that is they also by definition tend to be quite prone towards passive aggressive uh techniques or tactics that they'll use with you now it's important for you to realize that when we talk about passive aggressive focus on that word aggression these are aggressive individuals narcissists do not manage their anger well at all and when we talk about having a sense of aggressiveness we're talking about them taking care of their frustrations in such a way that's going to be damaging or confusing to you but then when we put that term passive on the front of it again that goes with that covert pattern that it's just going to try they're going to try to make it look like something that is not necessarily the is the case and so passive aggressive covert narcissism it just all goes hand in hand now what i'd like to do is zero in on 12 of the most common passive aggressive tactics that the covert narcissists will use and it's going to be so essential for you to know what you're dealing with because they want you to believe that you're the crazy person when there's some difficulty between you and them they want their consummate gaslighters they want you to feel confused about the legitimacy of being you but when you see the pattern for what it is you'll realize wait a minute this is part of the manipulation so let's get right to it and identify these 12 tactics that the the covert narcissist is likely to use with you now the first one i'm just going to put it under the category of general lifestyle non-cooperation that's their passive aggressiveness and when i say lifestyle non-cooperation i mean things like they procrastinate very easily they'll tell you that they're going to do something and then they don't or if they do engage with you in some sort of a project it's a half-hearted effort or they can just suddenly be unavailable or they're constantly tardy but they always have a great excuse that non-cooperation is their way of quietly saying you bug me that's the aggression you bother me you're just a nuisance but they won't come out and say it they'll just let their passive behavior do the communication for them now right along with this is number two and that is sometimes the covert will say that they want to be helpful but then they get sidetracked for example they may know that you have a particular project coming along and they'll say hey look i know how to do that i did that last week let me let me help you out i'll get back with you and then they don't get back with you and then you realize they do that a lot make lots of promises to be of assistance but then when push comes to shove they're just not there and again you can see that the the covert element is it's like i don't really mean that i i consider you to be somebody that's more of a a bother but i i want to try to keep up my veneer of looking good that's that that's the covert part of the narcissism and it's part of their passive aggressiveness now a third tactic that they'll use is sometimes you may wind up needing to confront them or to discuss with them some of the difficulties or differences that are there between the two of you so the third tactic is they can respond to your confrontations with perplexion for example if you say don't you remember we talked about this yesterday or uh you had mentioned to me we were going to have thus and such but it didn't turn out that way and they may just um say something to the effect of i don't even know what you're talking about or what what do you mean by that or where did you come up with an idea like that or are you not even talking about the same pattern and so they speak in quizzical kinds of ways and when you try to pin them down it's like well i guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree and again particularly when they do this in an ongoing kind of way it's their way of letting me know don't mess with me you're not going to get anywhere when you try to confront me a fourth tactic is the the covert narcissist will often tell you what to do via questions uh for example they may say something like why is this something that bothers you so much if they're asking you to do something or why are you showing me so much resistance now what they're saying is i need you to do what i tell you to do but instead of being direct they ask you questions in a way of time trying to shame you or don't you think we should have included this person in our plans or maybe we could have handled it that way and it's their way of saying you're so beneath me i don't like how you do life that's the aggression a fifth tactic that they will use is they will constantly play the role of the victim there are so many times when you're with that covert narcissist that they'll let you know that this person over there didn't manage things well and now they're having to pick up the pieces or this person over here just doesn't appreciate the good things that they bring and you notice they do this over and over and what they'll do is they'll uh they they complain about being underappreciated by everyone else and it's their way of expressing the fact that they're frustrated and then if you say well you seem so angry it's like no no no in fact if anything i'm one of the nicest people you ever knew but their constant victimization is there is it reveals the fact that there's this agitation that they're sitting on from the inside out now this leads directly to number six and a sixth tactic that they'll use is they refuse to address conflicts with the person in front of them but they'll run a hidden smear campaign behind their back as an insider talking to another insider for example if you have bothered the narcissist rather than that narcissist in directly and say hey let's talk the narcissist may go to a co-worker or a friend and say you know i don't know what's going on with this person over here i try everything and so that what they'll do is they'll gripe to other people about you and eventually you'll probably hear about it and then when you confront them about it's like no that's not what happened and it allows them to have their frustration make you look bad but without any kind of accountability a seventh tactic is sometimes they'll pay you compliments as a way of also giving you a complaint okay for example let's say you get a new car and they may say something like well it must be nice getting a new car because i can't afford one or it may be that um uh they may say something like uh you know you can be really helpful when you put your mind to it and it's it's their way kind of giving you a backhanded uh you know slap in the face when in fact they're not really saying nice things uh they are but they're not it's just their way of throwing a dig in at you that's the aggressive in a passive kind of way an eighth way that they might show their passive aggressiveness is sometimes they just don't include you in activities there might be times when you find out that they went to lunch with someone and then you could have been invited but y'all weren't or it may be that uh they'll just go and do things with friends and uh have no intention whatsoever to talk with you about what's happening they just don't include you and you think well but i thought we were a team or i thought that we were on the same wavelengths like now i only like to include you in things like that and so many times they just act as if their the connection with you is non-existent now another thing that they might do this would be number nine and that is they may just uh brazenly ignore you and then when you do com uh say something about it they'll feign innocence for example it may be that you finally do say hey you know i might have i might have wanted to join you with this or i might have wanted to do that and it's like oh well i thought you were busy or i had no idea that you would be interested in something like that or i i thought you already knew about our plans and so they'll be very slippery in the way that they engage with you as you try to come to some sort of terms with them a 10th tactic that they'll use is that sometimes they'll try to hold on to a moral high ground as a way of passing judgment on other individuals but they make it sound like you know it's it's not passing judgment for example if you want to include somebody in a decision making progress process it may be it's like well this person you know they they've made a lot of mistakes in the past and and i i just don't feel like i need to connect with them when in fact no that's not the case or they haven't sat down and talked with that person or that person they're a little too shallow for my taste and so they're constantly letting it be known people that want to engage with it they just don't measure up to my standards and you constantly feel like there's this ongoing judgment that you know is going to be a part of the equation an 11th tactic that they'll use is the classic silent treatment there may be times when there's just a frustration that won't go away and and that narcissistic individual wants to punish you and so they can become very evasive they can ghost you and they know that you want to hear from them and they won't give you the time of day they won't return text messages or calls it's their way of saying i hold you in disdain but they're not actually going to say it say it but they're just going to let the passive behavior be the communication and then finally a 12th tactic that they can use is they can give the appearance of being pleasing and helpful to you all while all the while they're holding on to grudges uh there are times when it might be like i'm gonna be the nicest person you ever know but then later on they cash in and they say you know all those nice things that i did for you you have you're the least appreciative person i've ever met and finally it comes back out now i know i've run through these uh rather rapidly and there are so many more things that i could come up with but let's go back to that whole notion about covert narcissism all the control and the manipulation self-absorption lack of empathy and then the passive aggressive it all fits together it's their way of keeping up a false front while uh letting you know that you do not pass muster you you're not a good person and so you might think well should i confront them on this and my response is go go find a brick wall and bang your head against that it doesn't work because they'll pull the passive aggressive with you on that once you see the pattern uh don't make it your task to reform that passive aggressive covert narcissist but instead recognize okay this is somebody who will not communicate clearly and honestly and in any way in an accountable kind of way therefore i need to go ahead and decide what my north star is and i'm going to stay consistent with what i know is wisest and best and when they well somehow let it be known in their passive aggressiveness that i don't measure up it's like i realize that but i need to move on i'm on to you and uh when they just roll their eyes it's like there's there's exhibit a right there uh i'll never measure up i get it but i'm going to be comfortable with me i hope that videos such as this can give you some good insight about what you're dealing with and when knowledge is power and once you're on to it i'm hoping you can just determine i want to be somebody that is moving in a forward direction if you've not already hit that subscribe button i would encourage you to do so hit the like button because that helps us on our algorithms and we'll keep more videos coming in your direction if you have a need for therapy for somebody that can help you unpack this we have a sponsor that can assist you with this the people at betterhelp.com are is our sponsor and there's a link below that will take you to their website and there's a whole host of uh licensed professional therapists that you could uh choose from i would strongly encourage you to take advantage of that if that's a need that you have we have my online courses ready set connect this is me free to be and they're very extensive with multiple videos written materials and documents and questions we have my podcast we have our website with many articles so avail yourself to the resources that we have okay passive aggressive covert narcissism it all fits it's all a part of a pattern i'm hoping that you can say i see it i'm not going to get pulled in uh and i'm going to be a person that is going to be steady good i just lost gus on that one and i'm going to be a person that's going to be steady because i want to be a person of peace [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 251,694

Keywords: covert narcissism, malignant narcissism, gaslighting, manipulators, psychology, passive aggressive, anger, mental health, Dr. Les Carter

Id: mztSUPynskY

Length: 14min 49sec (889 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 18 2022