When A Narcissist Realizes You Are No Longer Interested

as you learn about the narcissistic pattern it's also wise to reflect on the much healthier alternatives now below you're going to find a link to my new extensive course called ready set connect it addresses both the mindset and the skills involved in gratifying relationships and i hope you'll find it to be quite therapeutic [Music] for those of you who have had a long ongoing relationship with a narcissist whether it's inside your home or extended family or friendships or work or other kind of places you know that there can be times when you just have this increasing sense of futility and weariness uh the scent of the sense it says you know this just isn't working very well and i don't know that i'm interested in continuing in whatever it is that we have let's understand that when narcissists engage with you they engage with a very powerful sense of neediness now over time that neediness becomes more and more apparent in the beginning stages of any relationship it's normal to say what we have wants that we have with each other but narcissists don't just have wants they have a profound need to have you fit a an agenda that's going to suit their narrative for example they need your affirmation and they're they're very hungry for it we all have a desire for affirmation but theirs goes beyond that they need tight agreement to their agenda they need to have a feeling of superiority and dominance which is why they they always have the best opinion or the the best way to do things they can't possibly think that other people might have ways that would be better than theirs they can't think that way they need what your reputation might provide for example if you're well known in a community or people like you it's like well i want to latch onto that and so they they try to latch on in that kind of way they need you to buy into their illogic there are many times when you want to talk with them about certain impressions or interpretations or the way that we do things and they have their own little agenda and it's like no you have to just go along with whatever i say no matter how illogical or emotionally uh tinged that it might be they need your compliance they need your submission they need you to be an enabler to their dysfunctional way of life and i know it can wear you out now along with this real strong neediness that they bring to the equation comes all sorts of undesirable traits now at times the narcissist may have the the love bombing or the uh let me do favors for you kind of mindset because they'll they'll want to bring you into their uh zone and so if they do nice things over time you begin realizing okay i know i know there's a hook here and you're on to it then over time you begin seeing how critical they actually are they can have episodes of anger with you sometimes it can go into real strong rage other times the anger is more muffled and you just feel like there's this underlying sense of tension that they carry they don't say it but you just know it and you feel it too many times that narcissist becomes more complaining or griping you wind up being in circular arguments kind of wears you out just thinking about it doesn't it sometimes you have to listen to what i call their stupid salesmanship how many times has a narcissist tried to plead their case with you or convince you that you have to think or do things as they say it's like i don't want you to sell me on whatever it is you're trying to pedal but they'll do that and wears you out they use twisted logic they have hurt feelings when you don't say or do things precisely in the way that their neediness requires you have this constant walking on eggshell feelings they may give you the silent treatment in other words there are times when you have these ongoing engagements with a narcissist and all of this that i'm mentioning leads you to that conclusion i'm not interested in this anymore you might ask yourself now exactly what's the upside to my relationship with this person is this person contributing in a positive way to my quality of life am i a better person because of my association with this individual do i feel appreciated by this person or am i just being used and i'm and once i'm used up i'm just going to be dismissed is this somebody that would have my back when that time might come along and as you begin ponder those kind of pondering those kind of questions again it reinforces that uh question inside of you what am i doing here you may go back and you may try to discuss some of your feelings with that narcissistic person sometimes you'll withdraw uh you'll recognize that as uh your feelings and your sense of of discomfort become more known typically the narcissist will double down and explain why you're wrong and you need to come over to their way of thinking it's like no no no you have to give me what i need because they that's just what they there's their beginning point with you now over time as you begin just settling into that kind of feeling i'm tired of this i'm no longer interested in playing all the games that this implies the narcissist is taking note and they're thinking i can't let you get away with feeling like you're better than me which is how they interpret that they're not going to go away typically without a peep basically as time goes on they begin taking the notion that says well i'm going to bring you down before you have a chance to bring me down and very commonly then they begin thinking within within themselves i have to stay in the one-up position which means you can't one-up me or uh you begin realizing uh no matter how many times you try to discuss your concerns with them these individuals just can't be objective about it at all they'll become very subjective which means that they wind up having a very low level of empathy and a very high level of entitlement in the way that they engage with you and then they convince themselves despite whatever the the facts will say they're the victim look at what you've done to me uh look at how much how many nice things that i've done for you and all i get is your disinterest in return to me you're just an ungrateful kind of person and all the while you're thinking no i've been trying really hard to be the nice person or the glue or the the one who's trying to be objective and it's just not working understand that when you get to that place where your interest in perpetuating all of this dysfunction has just become too unbearable uh let's let's understand narcissists feel like they have to have the final word it's their way of trying to hold on to some vestige of superiority over you and one of the things you've probably heard me say in other videos when you have crisis or conflict or difference that's when you get to see the fullness of a person's character character isn't necessarily revealed when everything is going wonderful character is revealed when we have some strain or differences or difficulties and then in our maturity or lack of then we bring our our real cells to the equation and say well what are we going to do with our differences in in the case of the narcissist they just go straight back into that needy demanding mode and they remind you of your defectiveness and then you're over there thinking if i'm so defective why are you still requiring my allegiance then in healthy relationships there's a nice ebb and flow that we can have whenever our differences come along let's let's start with one huge thought and that is there's no such thing as a perfect relationship and so when you enter into any kind of uh ongoing relationship with a person you just start with the assumption that says over time our differences are going to come up and we'll notice as we go along what does work and was does not work we can remain honest and open with each other about what our thoughts and needs and perceptions are we can discuss ways that we can understand each other more fully and how we can make improvements by the way we call that the maturation and the growth process and in the end as we have our differences and our lack of perfection we can actually create an atmosphere of trust we can build bonds even in the midst of our differences and we can actually find a deeper sense of connection does that sound like anything that a narcissist knows how to do unfortunately no we are going to say differences are inevitable but human beings are not commodities to be used um instead of thinking well you didn't give me what i want so i'm just going to discard you and i'm going to go to someone else instead of thinking that way it's like well as we know each other we can each grow and mature because of that i'll learn to give you respect and you can give me respect in reverse and we can have a benefit because of that narcissists can't think that way so when it comes time for you to say you know my my interest is so weak that i'm just not at that place expect the fact that narcissists are going to say well if that's the case then you're going to pay because you're not meeting my needs they they require you to be the enabler and let's just also say knowing that that's how they're going to do you're not being unreasonable when you say you know i don't want to continue on with this and then when they go straight back into that blame and accusation and uh trying to force you into some uh role that you don't want to play and they put guilt and shame onto you you know my reaction to all of that would would then ultimately be you're proving my point now that's that's an insight that's an awareness that they'll never pick up on but i hope that you can listen to what your gut tells you and you can practice self-care it would be nice if you could have interpersonal ways of making these kind of difficulties go away or growing in as a result of them but in the lack of the interpersonal uh possibilities in try personally within yourself you can resolve uh you can take the result that says i'm going to use my disinterest in this relationship to become an even deeper person of integrity and good character that's where i'm going i hope that videos such as this can give you some good awareness about what you're dealing with the more you understand the nature of a relationship with somebody who's highly narcissistic the more you're able to make informed decisions for yourself if you've not already hit the subscribe button and the notification bell that goes along with it i would encourage you to do so many times when you're dealing with these kind of situations you could use a therapist that could help you sift it out i'm so pleased that we're sponsored by the people at betterhelp.com there's a link below and if you have a desire or a need for online therapy which is very popular and has proven to be quite effective these days uh then go through our link and then there's a whole team of licensed professional therapists that you could select from i have my therapeutic courses and each one has multiples of videos and written materials and questions that will guide you towards a therapeutic goal we have ready set connect about making good connection skills this is me about establishing boundaries we have free to be about finding yourself despite the controllers we also have a new podcast now that's up and coming and we have my books and other resources and i i do appreciate it when you allow me to be on your journey with you you know you can get to the point where you can say okay i've seen enough i've got to move on for my own sake of well-being brace yourself because narcissists aren't going to aren't going to take it well but then like i say that illustrates why i'm needing to make the the decision that i'm making anyway and in the meantime i'm hoping you can commit yourself to being a person of dignity respect and civility because it's those it's ingredients such as that that will take you to your place of peace [Music] you

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 688,438

Keywords: PSYCHOLOGY, covert narcissism, malignant narcissism, anger, gaslighting, Dr. Les Carter

Id: q7Dnqxqoo5o

Length: 13min 51sec (831 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 02 2022