10 Subtle Ways Covert Narcissists Will Betray You

being very entitled and controlling narcissists have no difficulty stepping all over your personal boundaries so that's why I put together an extensive video class called this is me it has 25 videos written documents guided questions I'm going to teach you how to have healthy boundaries there's a link below and I hope you'll find it to be quite therapeutic foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] as part of your effort in knowing and understanding the narcissistic pattern it's good to have a contrast with what the healthy personality looks like so let's remind ourselves that in healthy personalities there are so many characteristics that would come to the Forefront and stay consistent for example healthy individuals are honest but you don't have to worry if they're messing with your playing with you healthy people are reliable they're approachable they're available healthy individuals are conscientious and by that I mean they make decisions with the the good of the group in front of them in mind there's a courtesy that they would have they're authentic what you see is what you get they're tuned into you and so many other characteristics that would go along with the healthy style of living now narcissists want to have the appearance of being healthy especially the covert narcissist it's kind of like well I don't really want to be all that but I want you to think that I'm that way and as a result they can give appearances that would make you think that they're on your team when in fact beneath the surface they're driven by their own selfishness and entitlement and scheming and secrets and haughty attitude and simmering frustration the an element of superiority Etc they simply don't want you to see it up front now let's understand that narcissists look toward you as narcissistic Supply they want you to feed them and to prop up whatever cravings and desires they have even as they give you the impression that oh yeah I'll do the same in Reverse when in fact they don't over time when you're with that covert narcissist and keep in mind over time it doesn't show up right away but over time you're going to see certain patterns and trends that will show up and these patterns and Trends can put you on to the fact that you are in fact dealing with that schemer so I'd like to talk with you today about uh 10 of what I see as some of the most common ways that ultimately the covert narcissist is going to betray you and they're going to illustrate that they're strictly into themselves now the first thing I have on my list at number one is they will indeed create a false positive regard up front toward you it's truly sad to think that when you begin knowing a narcissist or when you're around them for an extended period of time they're already playing you you just don't know it they can let you know that they're friendly or they can give you the impression that they're tuned in and they they seem to want to know things about you but part of the Betrayal aspect of the covert narcissist is they're data gatherers and it's like okay the more I can know about you and the more I can get an idea of what your Trends and tendencies are then I can work my schemes with you that's what they do so up front they'll try to create a positive but false regard toward you number two and this goes right along with that they can start out as seeming to be loyal but over the Long Haul they they don't live up to the hype that's associated with their sense of loyalty in other words their loyalty goes one way and it's not them toward you uh if I can give you that like I say they can seem to be interested they can seem to want to connect but then there's so many times when it's like where'd they go I thought that we were we were tuned in each other I thought we were like this I thought that you really cared about me and so over time their sense of loyalty begins to fade and yet they want you to be available to them they want you to tune into them but you begin realizing uh that via the shine wears off fairly quickly now a third way that these individuals will betray you is criticisms regarding you will begin creeping into conver the conversations and often they come in the in the guise of concern you know I really don't like it when you do this because I don't know that it's the best thing for you in fact what they want is they want you to do what you want you know for example they can just say imply well I know that this is important to you but I don't think that's going to be a very good idea and so they begin whittling away at your sense of resolve or your interests or your preferences a a fourth indicator of them betraying you is they can start lying by omission and now by that I mean over time you begin realizing there are significant things about you that you didn't tell me about uh you can appear to be virtuous but then you learn behind the scenes there can be a lot of hidden kinds of things like money habits or activities that don't involve you or maybe they're into porn or addictive Tendencies maybe they're into flirtations or gambling or they they hang around with the wrong crowd they may appear to be super moral when in fact when they're over with a different crowd they they are like the chameleon that shifts colors but over time they lie by Omission they just don't talk with you about it but you begin finding there are certain things there it's like you didn't let me know this stuff up front a fifth way that they'll betray you is they eventually become reluctant to compliment you now up front they might be nice and friendly and pleasant but over time it's like I don't want you to get the big head now and uh sometimes they can just brush you off uh when you have certain interests that that you want them to share with you you know why would I want to do that and so over time they seem to be reluctant to tune into you to uplift you uh to be a positive presence with you and then a sixth way that they'll betray you is you'll notice they don't give good apologies if you do catch them red-handed doing something wrong or if something has gone in a wrong kind of way in their mind they're thinking I don't really owe you an apology if something happened wrong even if I was involved in it you're probably you probably are the one that did it or someone else did it and as a result if they do apologize it tends not to be sincere or can have a yeah butt element to it and You Begin realizing you don't like taking responsibility for your flaws do you and in doing so they betray the relationship with you a seventh way that they can show a betrayal toward you is they're just dismissive in general with regard to uh to things that you like and you do for example if you say hey I got a phone call from this friend and she was talking to me about this and they may look at you like okay or it may be that uh that they they purchase something they're real excited about or they're going to an event or they they had a very serious conversation with someone and it was very meaningful and that covert narcissist can let it be known I'm not tuned into that I don't care about stuff like that and so they don't ask follow-up questions they don't really seem to to want to know why you feel or perceive things the way you do they just kind of have this quiet passive resistance or you know dismissive towards you now an eighth thing and this begins to show up in the relationship where they betray you is increasingly you notice how they'll criticize other people and by that I mean they can say well I don't like those folks over here and they other people you know the you're in the group or you're not in the group uh they have an attitude of exclusivity I like certain people but I can't stand those folks over there and over time you begin thinking I think I'm going to be next what's you what is that person saying about me behind my back and so part of the Betrayal is they just have this criticism in general and You Begin realizing yeah and I'm part of the in general eventually that begins to happen a ninth way that they'll betray you is that they'll fish for compliments even as they offer few compliments for example and they may see you and say hey something really great happened to me today uh and it's it's okay to say stuff like that and they want you to Regale them or they may say something like hey didn't you like the way I handled this or I I won this award and I don't want anybody to know about it but it was a pretty big deal uh and and of course they do want everybody to know about it but they're they're hungry for positive affirmation even as they tend not to give it and in doing so they're letting you know it's all about me although they simply won't say that and then number 10. and that is now narcissists are consistently unwilling to receive include part of the the definition of narcissism is they're so full of themselves that they can't stand the thought that you wouldn't think that way and so when you come along and say hey there's something I'd like you to know or there's a problem that's here it's like I don't want to hear about it quit trying to control me or that's not what happened or uh no let me tell you what happened and over time like I say we have these kinds of Tendencies where they begin showing that they're not nearly the loyal friend or a cohort that you thought they were and there are these what we might refer to as micro betrayals and as they pile up and you have more and more of these you know that you're dealing with a covert narcissist understand that covert narcissism is built upon passive aggressive anger and by that I mean these individuals carry a lot of frustration on the end side with you or with the world around and when you don't cater to them it really bothers them and these these Tendencies begin to creep out in addition let's understand that covert narcissists want or they need to feel like they're in control but with the least amount of vulnerability they don't want to play their cards and let it be known what their thoughts and real intentions are they have many double standards you're supposed to be loyal to me but don't expect it in reverse they'd rather invalidate or argue than try to understand you and they have an incessant need to be above you uh they uh and that is part of their fear being vulnerable they like making you vulnerable so it gives it takes the attention off of whatever their insecurities might be now if you have been with a covert narcissist over time and You Begin realizing these patterns of their betrayals toward you I know that there are times when you can feel duped or fooled or played by that person but please understand it's not your fault you're dealing with master manipulators your problem if we want to put it that way is that you don't think in manipulative ways in the same way the narcissist does and so the narcissist thinks oh it gives me an inroad given the subtle scheming of covert narcissists why don't we just say we're going to need to build in a certain amount of pessimism in our relationships until we have enough long-standing evidence that that tell us what trends and reality are really there and I know that you don't want to have to think that way but over time people will reveal themselves you just need to be patient for it to show up now I hope that video searches this can give you some good food for thought if you haven't already subscribe to the channel I would encourage you to do so as you watch the videos on a cumulative basis I hope it gives you a good educational experience I know there are times when you are dealing with things like this that you might decide I could use some help you know that I've been sponsored for years by the people at betterhelp.com it's a it's a team of licensed professional therapists ever since the pandemic we've known that online therapy has become a effective affordable available accessible and so if that's a need that you would have you know we have a link below that will take you to their website please seek the help that you need if that's something that would be warranted likewise I have my therapeutic courses it's like signing up for an online class they're very extensive and each course has at least 25 videos with multiple with written documents per video and guided questions it takes a lot of work and but hopefully it would be very beneficial to you we have Ready Set connect about making healthy connections this is me about establishing boundaries free to be finding yourself despite the controllers we also have my webinars they're on our website along with my podcasts and many articles that we have on the website and books Etc plenty of resources okay narcissists covert narcissists in particular want to give the impression that they can do healthy relationships over time the patterns indicate otherwise keep in mind knowledge is power and when you understand these things and you know what you're dealing with it allows you then to establish those boundaries that would be most necessary for you because ultimately I'm hoping that you can see through their schemes and you can commit to that healthy personality style and in the end you can become a person of peace foreign [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 139,946

Keywords: gaslighting, covert narcissism, narcissism in relationships, NPD, anger, self esteem, psychology, Dr. Les Carter, manipulative people

Id: _OsIkGCU4ds

Length: 14min 30sec (870 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 07 2023