A Covert Narcissist's #1 Tactic, Hands Down

being very entitled and controlling narcissists have no difficulty stepping all over your personal boundaries so that's why I put together an extensive video class called this is me it has 25 videos written documents guided questions I'm going to teach you how to have healthy boundaries there's a link below and I hope you'll find it to be quite therapeutic [Music] [Applause] [Music] one of the most disillusioning things that I've heard from many of you and other individuals that I've worked with in my counseling office is you can say in retrospect I can see that person that I was dealing with that was very difficult had some very strong narcissistic Tendencies they had a high need for control they were they had a raw selfishness that pushed them along entitled attitudes that went along with it haughtiness and condescension the need for superiority a lack of empathy all of those ingredients that go into the makeup of narcissism but then what I'll hear from individuals is but I didn't see it right away and that's especially true when we're dealing with covert narcissists covert narcissists are aren't really skilled and giving you the impression that they're into you when in fact no they're not there's something else going on behind the scenes that eventually shows up but not in the beginning part of the relationship narcissists Are chameleons and their masters at giving you one impression when in fact there's somebody entirely different now the number one tactic the number one Ploy that narcissists covert especially narcissists will use is they engage with you and pull you into their sphere of control is simply this and that is they will disguise themselves as trustworthy okay uh there's so much dishonesty going on in the way that they engage with you keeping in mind that uh narcissism is all about propping up a false itself false of course being the uh the opposite of true and uh dishonesty is just it's part of their makeup they're dishonest though in a trustworthy seeming kind of way I mean for example many times these covert narcissists will start out and maybe uh continue on in their relationship with you by doing nice favors for you they can be very friendly in general and it can be very charming and you've never had a friend quite like me they can be very smart and can give you some advice and be very helpful in the way that they engage in certain projects with you particularly if it's their level of expertise sometimes they'll actually ask you about your day and you you can think wow this is really nice and then that narcissistic person can more or less give the impression well of course you can trust me this is what I do this is what I bring to the equation now behind the scenes as they're showing themselves to be trustworthy and available and all the rest there are all sorts of hidden meanings to their behaviors and and this is the nefarious part of it because you're just taking it at face value but in their trustworthy I'm here for you kind of mindset the real meaning of that behavior can be broken down with many kind of statements for example the meaning of that behavior is their way of saying I really need you to admire me and so after I've done all these nice and wonderful kind of things and I've gotten you to trust me ultimately you're going to give me some admiration aren't you that you're going to Adore Me Oh I so want that or the meaning of their nice behavior is I'm trying to prove to you how together I am now there's a set up there because that means that if there's a problem well I've already proven that I'm together which means you're you're not in addition behind the scenes uh the meaning of their behavior actually can be now that I've been nice it's going to be impossible for you to go counter to me and it's like look at all the nice things I've done for you how available have I been and You Begin seeing me start cashing in their chips and which leads then to another presumption that they then make and they that is now that I've been trustworthy and nice and available you owe me your loyalty and uh and if there are some services that you can give me like you can help me out with certain things I think you need to do that for me as well I've had so many friends and myself uh if it's let's say you have a a profession like a lawyer a medical doctor in my case a therapist people can come up and they want free advice and all that and I don't mind helping out in these other individuals don't but narcissists is like no I want you to start giving me from whatever your level of expertise might be that's what you owe me now that you and I are kind of tight we're like this with each other uh likewise well as they have proven themselves to be trustworthy so to speak they have a mindset that says well that means if you and I have a problem it must be your fault look at me look at how nice I've been and then if that problem persists I'm the victim and you're of course the perpetrator and it's it's so disillusioning when you begin realizing that all of that trust me I'm here for you I'm available kind of message that they can give you is part of a false veneer um let's let's kind of go back and look behind the curtains so to speak to get an idea of what's really going on inside that narcissist even as they use that tactic that says you can trust me I'm here for you first we're going to say that with narcissists and this is one of the ways that you can know that it is happening and you're not just making this up with narcissists there is no boundary that you have that they'll respect uh let's keep in mind that when you have boundaries it begins with you getting to Define yourself and then living inside your definition of who you want to be what your preferences are your intentions or your priorities or your opinions you get to do all of that ultimately narcissists are thinking no you really don't I'm going to be nice to you because then you're going to start thinking like me because I'm going to fill you with who I am and so that's part of their skin that's the way that they engage with people likewise this tells us also that narcissists ultimately don't really have a high regard for you as illustrated by their eventual rudeness toward you in private they can start becoming more submissive or argumentative and they'll say that you're not interpreting correctly or they can eventually show disinterest and you thought hey I thought you and me I thought we were tight and if they were honest they would say well I was just deploy it was a tactic but they won't do that but rudeness begins to eventually emerge and it illustrates what's really going on down at their character likewise we can also say that despite that original seeming trustworthiness these are individuals who are very controlling they're rigid in what they think needs to happen in their life which means they're going to be non-cooperative with you as long as you don't go along with them they can be bossy at first they may seem to be sweet or Pleasant or friendly but behind the scenes it's like no they're absurdly overbearing in addition we can say that narcissists will show how defensive they are one of the best defense tactics is to appear to be wonderful and you know the the best defense is a good offense is they keep pouring themselves into you then they can come back and say well explain why I've been so nice then of course the reason is because it was a tactic it was a ploy in addition uh they eventually show how in fact they really are super condescending toward you they don't see you as being an equal they see you as someone who can and should be manipulated and they're going to master that skill they're truly disinterested in your insides even though they may imply early on that that's not the case yes it is you see early on before you showed up in the world of that narcissist that person began drawing certain conclusions about life and relationships that are then being played out on the stage that you're on these individuals learn these narcissistic individuals learn that it's not okay to be authentic uh instead they're very artificial in the way that they engage with people they learn what you have to do to be accepted and what you would have or what would happen if you were not accepted and they've learned how to maneuver and figure out so that friendliness is part of what they learn okay this will get you somewhere and along the way though they suppressed a whole lot of their real thoughts at least to the public inside they can have lots of anger or agitation or entitlement and it's like I can't let people know that right now so suppression is part of their game only over time you realize well you can only suppress for so long it's going gonna start showing up it just tends not to show up in the beginning point but then eventually as you get to know them here it comes all that suppressed and latent kind of uh attitude toward you uh in addition they learned artificially to go along with whatever agenda people had for them but then eventually they began realizing well if I can be the one to write the agenda then I will wind up coming out ahead but in the meantime they're gonna part of the agenda is they're going to be friendly and the best friend you ever had Etc uh you just don't know yet that they're in an imposing mode they're setting you up and then this is why eventually you're going to be on the receiving end of criticism or directives that you didn't ask for or stubbornness and over time they reveal that that trustworthiness that they came at you with was in fact just their way of saying I'm buttering you up because I need to keep you inside my circle and my sphere of influence and um that's where they're gonna go with you I mean wouldn't it be nice if we could have a sign or a little uh a badge that we could put on a narcissist that says something to the extent I I'm a I'm an entitled narcissist proceed with caution but instead they don't do that I think we need to come up with a badge like that uh you have to figure it out based on what they portray and then eventually what they uh give to you over time and through experience uh narcissists are experts at posturing but they truly lack the the willingness to be vulnerable with you they want you to be vulnerable and that's so essential for you to understand that they're not willing to trust you even though they say that you need to trust them uh and then ultimately their control nature just can't be contained that's just who they are so I'm hoping you can see that and many times it's after the fact that they were using tactics on you when they more or less implied I'm here I'm available I'm your best friend I'm for you but it's all just a tactic because I have an agenda and I'm eventually you're going to find out what my agenda is it's very disillusioning and then when they come around and say well you're the problem I'm hoping you can realize okay I didn't see this up front because you were good at disguising it I see it now and there's no way I'm buying into that I am not taking responsibility for that person's false portrayals I won't play that game and I hope the video such as this can give you some good awareness of what you're dealing with and in doing so knowledge is power and it gives you the power to to hold firm on those healthy boundaries that we're talking about if you've not already hit that subscribe button Gus and I will keep more videos coming in your direction sure enough as you're trying to come to terms with this it could be that you would need some some therapy and I'm so pleased that I'm sponsored by the people at betterhealth.com actually for several years now and uh it's uh there's a whole team of licensed professional therapists that can assist you it's affordable it's accessible and and if that's something you need I would strongly encourage you to go in that direction likewise I have my therapeutic classes and it's like signing up for an online course and each one has multiple videos with uh guided with written documents and guided questions we have Ready Set connect about making good connection Skills free to be about finding yourself despite those controllers this is me about setting those boundaries we also have my podcast my webinars we have our website with many articles my books plenty of resources for you I truly appreciate you letting me be on your journey with you isn't it frustrating when you realize that a person can say hey trust me I'm here I'm available only for you to find out down the road that it was all a tactic it was a ploy it was a ruse to pull you in once you see it though I'm hoping that you'll stay away from all of the other hooks that they want to kind of put into you and that you can be true to your own self listen to your own gut listen to your own best judgment and be true to who you need to be and in doing so it positions you to have a sense of peace that that narcissist will not be able to share with you I so want you to be a person of peace foreign [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 316,599

Keywords: narcissism in relationships, covert narcissism, gaslighting, anger, passive aggressive, malignant narcissist, psychology, mental health, Dr. Les Carter, surviving narcissism

Id: pw6rym2o_Vs

Length: 14min 5sec (845 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 20 2023