A Covert Narcissist's "Let's Pretend" Game

being very entitled and controlling narcissists have no difficulty stepping all over your personal boundaries so that's why I put together an extensive video class called this is me it has 25 videos written documents guided questions I'm going to teach you how to have healthy boundaries there's a link below and I hope you'll find it to be quite therapeutic [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I want to step into a discussion today regarding the whole world of the covert narcissist and I want you to see exactly how skilled these individuals are at putting up a wall of Defense which is all built upon pretense these are the covert narcissists true to the definition of narcissism have a very high need for control they want to have admiration because they feel very entitled they want to keep the upper hand in other words they like to stay Superior over other individuals they're quite willing to exploit people they have low levels of empathy but part of the covert package is they tend to being excellent Pretenders they try to make themselves out to be somebody much more trustworthy then they actually proved to be in the long run self-absorption is always there on the inside they just don't want you to see it up front now it's important for you to realize that these individuals are very broken individuals who are desperately trying to project a together image these people have self-esteem problems they have a hidden insecurity they don't want anybody to see but it's in there and it's it's working it's It's Magic if you will in a backwards kind of way they're inclined towards lots of passive aggressive behaviors and attitudes when I say lots I mean Lots they hold other individuals in disdain and yet strangely at the same time they want those that they hold in disdain to have admiration for them in other words they want them to defer to who they are these are people who are not inclined towards meaningful Insight perhaps they can intellectualize for a while about psychological truths Etc but in the in the end they don't change which is the ultimate goal of insight would it not be they don't grow and their their entire approach toward relationships is is frankly one big effort in gaslighting they want you to stay confused about your understanding of things so that they can fill you with them and their way of doing things that's how they operate and and so when we say covert and what we mean is there's a game of pretense that they maintain pain so that you don't really see exactly what their schemes are until you're fairly deep into the relationship with them now that understood I'm going to go through multiple indicators that says you're dealing with a covert narcissist who is in fact playing the Let's Pretend game and the more you're able to see these indicators then the more you realize okay this is something I have to watch for and you cannot allow yourself to to get in too deep with these individuals man what are the first indicators I'm going to mention here is covert narcissist can be negatively positive okay does that sound like a uh a contradiction of course the answer is yeah but by that I mean they can complement people while at the same time complaining for example they may say something like John did a really good job which is not something he's done in the past so they're saying something nice but not really or it could be that I really like being with this group of people unlike some of the other folks I've been around and they can put these qualifiers on there and let you know that there's a negativity that goes along with their positive comments eventually you're going to be on that list but that's that's how they tend to do it they try to disguise their criticisms with a false seemingly upbeat kind of mindset another indicator of their covert Let's Pretend game is they can seem to show interest in you but then there's no real follow-up and they they care about what's happening in your family or in your work or your concerns or health issues or whatever it might be but then when it really comes time to follow through and show through action that they're on your teams like where'd they go or another thing that they might do is they may actually do things nice for you but then you learn over time that that becomes part of their scoreboarding toward you it's like well I have done things nice and then it may be a year later or five years later or two weeks later I don't know it's like after all the nice things I've done for you why don't you do things for me they want something in return and so that that pleasantness that they have that helpfulness they have is part of the pretension game another indicator that these are pretenders is that these individuals tend to make lots of excuses for their mistakes honest people in other words non-pretentious people say yeah if you hang around with me you're going to find out that I make mistakes I miscalculate sometimes I do things right too and so there can be a sense of that and honesty but the covert narcissist wants to have this clean unblemished uh image and so whenever they do make mistakes then they don't want it to be known or it could be another spin-off on that is sometimes they may actually make self-deprecating comments about who they are but in a way of trying to get ahead of the Posse so to speak it's like well if I say oh yeah I blew it on that one then if you say it it doesn't come across that that hard and so there are ways that they can offset something like that in addition part of their pretension gain is they can can make exaggerated promises how many times have you had this person only to later find out it was all inaccurate who comes on real strong in a positive kind of way like oh you have never you should never had an ally as strong as me or one thing you can always count on is I will always have your back and so they can come on real strong and fight wow this is really nice I appreciate that but then later on it's like when the the shine of the relationship is is worn off or if you've said or done something that doesn't exactly fit their schemes it's like all those nice exaggerated promises they were flying out the window in other words there's a lack of sincerity in addition the these covert narcissists tend to be way too sensitive related to their own public Persona they need to look right they want to be with the right individuals they want to have such a good image that there's there's constantly efforts to minimize whatever uh criticisms others might have and maximize the positives and I understand we don't want to just go air our dirty laundry but the covert narcissist is way too concerned with Public Image to the point where what you see on the surface isn't necessarily indicative of who they really truly are likewise these individuals can be too thin-skinned if you question them it's kind of like hey look I put myself out there why would you have a question about me and sometimes it's like you're just wanting them to explain themselves uh you might say something like hey how did you come up with that conclusion and just right there it's like so what are you doing trying to make my life miserable or if you say something like um when you had this in your background how did that impact you anyway and you're trying to get to know them and so they may think oh so you're trying to make me feel guilty huh and so they they don't know how to receive any kind of questions that might have a tinge of some sort of negativity they're going to exaggerate their interpretation of your intentions there um now in addition to that we'll talk about exaggeration covert narcissists can sometimes have an exaggerating uh need to appear pleasing they can go overboard and try to be helpful I recall one person saying you know when when I had covet I had this person that was just going to the grocery store for me going to the drugstore for me and dropping things off to the point where it's like okay okay you made your point that's enough I mean it was way overboard but then that's part of that now that I've been so nice what are you going to do for me in reverse and there's this uh this sense that says I'm going to keep people in my debt and if sometimes I have to be the nicest person you ever met that's that's a good scheme that I can use and there's always a hook on the back side by the way I'm all for being helpful let's just do it with without the uh the the hidden agenda that might be there likewise covert pretentious narcissists tend to be poor listeners they may seemingly be interested in who you are but inevitably they have a way of either bringing the topic back to themselves to their favorite topics or they'll just move on to something that they feel more comfortable with they don't really want to know you at a real full level unless they're Gathering facts that they're going to eventually use against you and then let's uh let's add a final one and that is uh these are individuals who tend to tell lots of half truths I'll give you an example they may say something like John over here has some anger issues well it could be that you later have talked to John and find out that somebody had promised to do something on a major project and they completely forgot or completely dropped the ball and John had some issues well okay there may be some validity there but the the narcissist can try to make that person look really bad or it might be that that narcissist might say something like well you know Sally over here is not very trustworthy she doesn't follow through on things you talk to Sally and you find out well actually there was a severe illness in her family Circle and she had to excuse herself for a period of time only to get back to what she was doing so in other words they'll tell certain truths that seem on the surface to be accurate but then behind the scenes it's like oh those comments were made outside of the context that's what they do that's part of The Pretender game so let's keep in mind when you're dealing with covert narcissists the name of the game for them is let's pretend they're constantly in search for the favored position and they're constantly in search for your regard for them and honesty is optional if they have to stress that's okay and then while they give the appearance of being nice at times ultimately you realize they're not nice people they can be very judgmental they can be manipulative it's it's not good to know what you're dealing with there and then over time you find that they can turn on you on a dime just like they've probably done quite a few other individuals now once you spot this and you think I got duped I got played let me encourage it don't don't get too hard on yourself keep in mind they're Pretenders and they're good at their game and so there are times when you'll think they pulled it off for a while but once you understand what their game is I'm hoping you can realize uh that in in their world they don't know how to be healthy so I'm hoping that it causes you to be that much more committed to your own sense of healthiness and uh in in doing so you can think you know for them being in Pretenders which means they're dishonest that's the name of their game the name of my game is authenticity when you get to uh to be with me that's what I stand for and I want to do it in stark contrast to that covert narcissist Let's Pretend dishonesty I hope this gives you some good awareness of what you might be dealing with if you've not already done so I would encourage you to hit that subscribe button and hit the like button too we'll keep more videos coming your direction there's a notification Bell that'll let you know when new ones are coming along I know that I really appreciate you letting me be on your journey with you I know at times when you're trying to deal with things like this you could use the assistance of a therapist I've been sponsored now for several years by the people at betterhelp.com I'm sure you're familiar with that company they're ever since the pandemic the online therapy has become very popular and people have found that it's a it's quite accessible it's affordable and it's something that can can bring great results if there's a need and we have a link below that'll take you to the better help website and you can click on the link that we have and you'll get a 10 discount on the first month please get the help that you need likewise I have my therapeutic classes and these are extensive courses you'd be signing up for lots of work I put in lots of work and making them each day each class has multiple videos with written documents and guided questions meant to help you do some self-discovery we have Ready Set connect about making good connections this is me about establishing your boundaries free to be finding yourself despite the controllers who want otherwise for you we also have my webinars that I've already presented but they're still available on our website for purchase in addition we have my podcast we have that our website with lots of Articles my books plenty of resources okay let's keep in mind the name of the game of the covert narcissist is let's pretend knowing that they're pretentious to individuals meaning they can't be authentic I'm hoping there's uh the side of you that says somebody in this world needs to step up with a much better alternative sign me up for that and in doing so I hope that it positions you to being a a beacon for healthiness and decency and in the end it allows you to find your place of peace [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 103,764

Keywords: self esteem, gaslighting, covert narcissism, malignant narcissist, NPD, anger, passive aggressive, Dr. Les Carter, psychology

Id: Q3pDP5Z4yNw

Length: 14min 29sec (869 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 13 2023