How To Handle Passive Aggressive People

hey everyone so today we're going to be talking about passive-aggressive behavior because this is one of those difficult or unhealthy or toxic behaviors that many of us have to deal with but we don't always really know what's going on because passive-aggressive behavior is often referred to as covert or sneaky aggression so it's one of the ones that we really just need to become more aware of and really be able to see what's actually going on here because it can really mess with us if we are in relationships where there's a lot of passive aggressive behavior it can really start to mess with our minds we're going to be talking about why people act out in passive-aggressive ways and what we can do how we can deal with it in healthy and productive ways my name is Julia Cristina and I'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and an online course creator of a master's degree in counseling psychology and I work to help men women get through the crap that is holding them back so they can like themselves and their lives more every day and dealing with a close relationship or two where there's a lot of passive aggressive behavior can really hold us back and really get in our way if we don't know what's going on and we don't know how to deal with it so what actually is passive-aggressive behavior well it's otherwise known as I was saying a minute ago covert or sneaky aggression where it is actually someone being aggressive but they're doing it in a really passive way so that it's not always obvious to us and can kind of make us feel a little bit crazy because they're sort of appearing as if they're being nice or something's like innocent on the outside but there's this like undertone of aggression that you can't always totally put your finger on but it doesn't feel quite right another thing that can come up a lot in passive aggressive behavior is something called gaslighting now I'm gonna link to a video I'm gonna make a video about what gaslighting really is and the details of that but for all intents and purposes gaslighting is basically when someone messes with your head by making you think that something's okay or something's a certain way but you know that it's not but they insist that it is so they almost make you feel crazy they're kind of messing with your senses there they're saying one thing and then when you question them on it they're come they completely deny it or they tell you that you're totally wrong or make you feel like you're delusional and so there's a lot more to it than that we'll talk about that but just to give you a little taste of it and passive aggressive behaviors one of those behaviors where you can't always put your finger on what's really going on because the person is not being clear or honest or direct about what they mean what they think and what they feel you just know that something isn't right but it's not always super obvious what it is so why do people do this let's talk about a little bit where this comes from not to excuse the behavior but because oftentimes when we understand it it can really inform and kind of change the way we handle it in more productive ways so understanding doesn't excuse bad behavior because everyone has a reason why they act in unhealthy or unserved or unproductive ways we all do have a reason it doesn't excuse it or make it okay but oftentimes it can help us really handle it in a more healthier productive way so usually people who are really passive-aggressive who just communicate this way all if not most of the time it's because when they were growing up their wants or needs or preferences didn't matter if they ever tried to be open and honest and clear with their feelings with their thoughts with what they needed they were criticized they were put down they were rejected and if this happened often enough they started to develop the belief that what I say doesn't matter and so I can't be open and honest and clear with what I need because it won't it'll be ignored it'll be rejected or be criticized or be put down so I have to figure out a different way to get my needs met and oftentimes that can be through passive-aggressive behavior and then they just bring that with them into adulthood because they never learned that it was okay to be open and honest and clear with what they were really thinking what they were really feeling what they're really wanting what they were really needing and of course because all of us have our wants and needs and all of us who want to be able to express the hoh's wants these thoughts or feelings if we learn that we can't do it in a healthy direct clear way we're gonna figure out a different way to get our needs met and oftentimes again that's through passive-aggressive behavior so it's often with people that feel really insecure with communicating their wants and needs with people that really fear any kind of rejection for expressing their wants and needs and you know just for people that just never really learn how to communicate in healthy effective ways so it's a tough one it is complicated it is complex it's not because the person is trying to make your life more difficult or trying to be a jerk or trying to mess with your head it's just because they don't know how else to communicate so types of passive-aggressive behavior and it can look many different ways like passive aggressiveness can come out in many different ways and one of them is through sarcasm so if someone's using a lot of sarcasm in their communication then that is a form of passive-aggressive behavior that's a form passive aggression the next one is if they're using a lot of indirect criticism if they're kind of being a bit insulting and critical of you but in in not overt ways or if they're trying to communicate something that they're not happy about but they're not doing it in a clear way so they might say something like oh wow you sure like to be on that phone instead of saying you know can you put the phone away can you pay more attention to me or I'm feeling ignored like they're not actually able to ask for what they need to kind of communicate in these sneaky ways or you know I guess they'll say something like I guess I'll have to do that I guess I'll have to take care of it I guess I take care of everything here instead of saying can I get some however to someone mind you know pitching in I did it last time so again just not being clear in their communication you know or they they when you ask them like is everything okay they might say you know everything is totally fine like if they make kind of an underhanded criticism or 900 remark or you know say something that doesn't feel quite right and you ask them if if what's going on they'll say no no everything's fine everything's ok like I don't know what you're talking about another form of passive aggressiveness is underhanded compliments so I don't know if this has ever happened to you someone you know they'll kind of boost you up and then pull you down right away so they'll say something like oh I'm so happy for your success man you sure get lucky don't you where they're like saying something nice but then follow it with something that you're like oh that sucked that did not feel good but you can't really put your finger on it because it's not overtly mean it's that covert aggression or they can say something like congratulations on the new job how did you manage that perhaps like build you up and then put you down and you're like I don't know how to respond to that I don't really know what to say they can also make sort of just underhanded remarks just sort of little cutting a little bit sort of poking remarks that are not super obvious and not overtly like cruel but they have this sort of undertone of insult to them another form of a passive aggressive behavior is either ignoring or giving the silent treatment or pretending not to understand so just downright ignoring if you say something and they just pretend not to hear you or you know they just pretend not to understand that's passive aggressive or if they agree to something and then and then say later on like oh I guess I didn't really understand what you were saying where you kind of know that they did but they didn't want to they didn't want to disagree with you or they didn't want to have an argument about it I didn't I have to deal with the issue and so they just pretended like everything was fine and then later on you come back and you're like hey I thought you said that this was okay or I thought you said that you would do that or I thought we agreed on this and they're like oh I don't remember that or like oh I guess I didn't understand what you really meant as a way to avoid having any kind of conflict because again people who use passive-aggressive ways to communicate really fear any kind of conflict they've never taught how to deal with issues head-on another thing that they could do is insult you and then laughs so say something kind of really nasty but then laugh about it so that you get confused cuz you're like that was nasty but you're laughing so was that meant to be hurtful but you know if it felt hurtful if it felt cutting then chances are that's what was intended another thing you know and this can go along with all of these is if they avoid something and pretend like everything is okay so kind of not dealing with something if you address it and say you know I notice that you did that you said that and then they pretend like oh no no like I don't know what you're talking about like everything's fine you know I think you're just reading into things like it's no big deal like you know there's no problem but then they go behind your back and gossip about you and talk about you and tell other people about how mean you are or about how selfish you are about how inconsiderate you are but never actually address it with you gossip is another form of passive aggressive behaviors about getting out feelings of hurt or anger or frustration in in direct ways doing it about you behind your back instead of actually sitting down and talking to you about it so how do we deal with this how do we deal with passive-aggressive behavior because it can be so frustrating and it can be so difficult and it is a really tough one to deal with because oftentimes people will deny it now it doesn't mean that everyone who ever says anything passive aggressive is so entrenched in it that they can't ever own up to it because I think all of us have been passive-aggressive the active passive-aggressive the dumb passive-aggressive things at some point and there'll be different people who will be able to handle your response your clear direct or or assertive response to them people will be able to handle it in different ways depending on how intense their fear of conflict is depending on how entrenched they are in their feelings of not being able to really overtly own up to or address what they're really thinking feeling wanting and needing so kind of play with it and kind of just try some of these different strategies out so the first one is to really just call out the behavior that doesn't feel right to you call it out in a soft way so trying to be kind of gentle again because for them often times any sign of like aggression or any sign of any like them that'll really quickly kind of just like pull back or deny or just recoil because it makes them so uncomfortable because I don't know how to deal with it so calling it out in a soft way saying something like I get the feeling that something put you off or that you're upset about something or something made you angry or annoyed or upset let's talk about it or can we talk about it and they may or may not be willing to but at least you extending the olive branch and saying that you want to deal with it that trying to let them know that this is something that you do want to talk about you do want to work through the next one is to again give them a little bit of the benefit of the doubt getting to give them an opportunity to kind of save face a little bit and say I don't know if you meant that in that way but that felt kind of hurtful or that felt a bit insulting or that felt a bit mean but I you know I don't know if that was intentional but that's how it felt so again not being really forceful in the way that you communicate the next one is to just tell them how something made you feel to just be overt and say when you said that it didn't feel good or kind of hurt my feelings or it kind of just made me feel bad or it just it just didn't feel good and to know that they may not own up to it they may not accept responsibility they made against a I don't know what you're talking about you're just too sensitive but - it's important for us to be able to communicate and healthy and productive and honest ways even if they can't necessarily own up to it or take responsibility for it it's important that we set those healthy boundaries that we are assertive and clear in our communication and to hopefully maybe communicate to them through our healthy communication that it's okay to be more open and honest so maybe teaching them a little bit about how to communicate in healthy ways to say how something made you feel to own what's going on to be clear and respectful in how you address things and then maybe hopefully they'll catch on to that which leads us to the next way to deal with it and this is really important that we don't get sucked in to their drama so they're being unproductive or unhealthy in the ways they communicate that we don't get sucked into it and start acting really passive-aggressive ourselves that we don't you know fight fire with fire that we don't you know compromise our own integrity and the way that we communicate just because they are that we hold our integrity that we hold our ground and address things and not let someone walk all over us or or emotionally manipulate us or take advantage of us but also not being aggressive or unproductive in the way we communicate - so being able to just say it like that didn't feel good I didn't like that and another thing that can be really helpful is just saying to them what are you trying to say what are you thinking what are you needing what are you wanting what are you trying to say and inviting them to be more clear with their communication to know that they may not be able to again to expect and accept denial or avoidance but at least you are being clear with your communication in your trying to open the doors for better better communication and eventually they will catch on and they will start being more open and honest and clear in their communication as they learn from you and as they learn to see that what they're doing isn't gonna fly it isn't okay and that you need and want better and more from them in the communication it's coming from a good place you want the relationship to be better you want the relationship to be more open open and honest and healthy and as much as you communicate that they will start to catch on hold your ground don't get sucked in be clear and respectful and in your communication have your boundaries that is essential speaking of boundaries I have a download for you 25 ways to say no some of them you'll be able to use in some of these situations people who are being passive-aggressive and some of them you'll just be able to use in all kinds of life situations learning how to say no and just having healthy boundaries for ourselves I'll put the link in the description make sure you grab that subscribe to the channel like the video share it out let's stay connected and come and join my facebook group go to me group com and I will see you again soon take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 413,338

Keywords: Blimey Cow, BuzzFeedViolet, Alive Academy, toxic relationships, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive relationship examples, how to handle passive aggressive people, how to handle passive aggressive behavior, how to deal with passive aggressive people, how to deal with passive aggressive bevavior, what is passive aggressive, what is passive aggressive behavior, julia kristina, julia counsellor, spot emotional abuse behavior, emotional abuse behavior, silent treatment

Id: zoE_A4eJjho

Length: 17min 6sec (1026 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 21 2018