I get irritated very fast. Small things make me mad. It's not a joke. This is an example because I want you to understand what I'm saying. I don't like it when people eat and sweat at the same time. I don't f***ing like it. I don't f***ing like it. Like somebody eating. Why they eat. They're like, Oh, I'll punch you in the f***ing face if I'm there. I swear to God I'll punch you in the f***ing face. Slow down. Anybody going to take that food from you? Slow down. Tell you what else I don't like. You're not going to like it, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. I recently realized that I don't have any patience for unattractive people. There. I said it. That's how I feel. I know when you first hear it, it's a blow. It's a blow. At first I ask that you stay with me, okay? Stay with me until the end. I feel like they're very needy. Unattractive people are very needy. They always want something. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. You know where I can? No, I don't know. No, no. I treat them like f***ing cats. Get your ass out of here. Get out of here. You better get. It's too much. It's too f***ing much. Let me tell you what the joke came from. So you don't think I'm a dick? Okay. I was at the bank, right? I get down at the bank, I'm in my car. I'm about to pull out the parking lot. You got to stop at the little parking booth, right? You got to give the guy your ticket. I go to get a guy my ticket. He slides the glass back, sticks his head out. Very unattractive, man. Whatever. He sees me. When he saw me, he lost it. He got excited. He's like, uh uh uh uh uh uh uh. This is. Ah ah ah ah ah ah, ah, ah, ah. May that ugly ass face right in my f***king face. Kevin Hart on my bank. You got to be kidding me. He said I'm not letting you out of here till you tell me why you chose us. Why us? Why you bank with us? Why did you choose us as your financial institution? I can believe what the f*** I heard said. I don't have time for this shit. Press the button. Let me the f*** out of here. I don't have time. He did it again. Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh. And let you out here to tell me why us? Why did you choose us? Why us? Why did you choose us? Kept saying us. I told you, I don't have any patience. I f***ing lost it. I snapped. I said, Stop saying us. You don't got shit to do. That goddamn bank. This parking lot ain't got shit to do with that bank. Hit the button. Let me the f*** up out of here. Because when I got mad, he looked me dead in the eye. He said, I got all day, Kevin Hart all day. I realized he's not playing. He's not going to let me out. I got to answer his f***ing question. Okay, fine. You want to know why I chose this bank? Your customer service, Loan rates, free checking. There you go. That's why. That's why I chose y'all. This is what pissed me off. He goes, That's all you had to say with your little ugly ass. I said, What did you just say? The f*** did you just say to me? Get your ugly ass out my life? He hit. I had to pull off. I'm pissed. I'm not ugly. You ugly. F***ing pissed. I stop at Chipotle two blocks up. It's a long line in Chipotle. Now I'm even more irritated. I'm only in this long ass line because of that unattractive ass conversation. While I'm standing in the line, the woman behind me goes, Oh my God, that is such a nice day. It's so beautiful outside. I'm about to f***ing snap. I'm a loser. I'm a f***ing snap. I'm a turn around. I'm gonna let this goddamn woman have it. I turn around, I see her. This is by far one of the most attractive women I've ever seen in my f***ing life. She was gorgeous. Immediately. Instantly. I had time. I had f***ing time. I said. I said, You know what? It is a nice day. It's so nice outside. I turned into a f***ing weatherman. I said, What we need is rain. We ain't had no rain in the middle. She said, I wasn't even talking to you. Turn her back on me. What the f***? Oh, no, no. That is not acceptable. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. She turned around. What? Ha. Uh. That's. Uh. I just want. I just want to know what made you choose Chipotle as your place for lunch today? She's not telling you that. I said. I was an unattractive person in that conversation. Guy flipped it on me that fast. Let me tell you something, people. No matter how good you think you look, I promise you that you don't look that f***ing good. I promise you, something will happen in life to show you that you don't look that f***ing good. My wife gave me a reality check. We was in the bed watching TV. Commercial came on with the little monster from Lord of the Rings. Smeggel. I think that's his name. Smeggle. He was doing this shit right here. You know, the little monster. That's what he did. He was doing this shit. My wife said, Oh, my God, babe, you be doing that. I said, Bitch, what did you just say to me? The f*** did you just say you'd be doing that in the morning? This ain't got no shit. Call me a f***ing monster to my goddamn face.
