RALPH BARBOSA - STAND UP BLEND #ralphbarbosa #standupcomedy #comedian

I got to be careful though I'm a type 1 diabetic yeah that's right I got the diabetes yeah sometimes people don't believe me when I tell them and I think it's cuz I only weigh like a buck 35 I'm a skinny dude yeah hearing me say I have diabetes is like saying like hearing a really ugly dude say he got herpes you know what I mean like people just look at me like you got it like for sure like a doctor told you you think you got it like if you didn't like that joke you're ugly yeah I I got it when I was six and I had the same doctor from when I was six till I was 18 that's a long time to have one doctor so when I left I thought it'd be nice to leave a review on his website who knows him better than me you know I was like this man was my doctor for the last 12 years and I'm still diabetic one star [Laughter] I didn't like the nurses at his Clinic they try to like make me feel better they thought I was sad I wasn't until they try to make me feel better they would be like you know in time you might even find that diabetes could be like a blessing in disguise I think I'd rather have just a regular blessing but believe it or not I try to use I try to use that advice years later my friends were trying to start a fight at a bar and I I'm not I'm not a fighter I'm like got can full a diabetes card here you know this big dude pushed me I was just like hey man you don't want to do this I'm diabetic this is one of the downsides to Living in America though he goes me too what the [ __ ] bro we got to stick together he was like nah two types walked in one types walking [Laughter] now I I've always believed in Aliens I've never liked them but I've always believed in them you know people are always like they're so smart they come here to observe us why do they always crash land then and they're always naked you know humans we went to the moon and we got back with clothes on we're and also why are we just cool with that they crash land and just destroy our land destroying our property they're making me Republican I'm like we going let them get away with so we got to pay for it they're not even from here I don't even think we get the smart aliens I think the only aliens that have ever come to Earth are like college students I think they're on their Planet a bunch of aliens are just getting drunk they're like dude let's get [ __ ] naked and drive to Earth and then on Sunday morning they wake up at Area 51 like what the [ __ ] happened that's why in the pictures they always look dehydrated they're hungo he's trying to communicate he's like P like I never voted for like Trump nobody okay but I do think it's cool that Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani got like they went to jail I don't know like what no matter what side you stand on them like it just looks cool man [ __ ] Trump took it like a man they were like you got to turn yourself in on Friday he was like I'll go Thursday his mug shot look badass he look like a g he was just like like Rudy Giuliani R did not look as cool Rudy Giuliani is the guy who helped create the RICO Act and they use that to arrest a lot of mobsters gangsters drug dealers and then he got arrested under the RICO Act that's like if you invented plastic bags and then died suffocating on a plastic bag it sucks it sucks to be short you know I can't even go to the bar like everybody else man if I'm at the bar and I get bumped into I just get bumped into end the story I was at the bar with my girl the other night I was holding my drink some dude bumped into me I spilled some of it I turned around off swalls like man who the [ __ ] that guy's in a rush my girl was like he spilled your drink aren't you going to say something I was like [ __ ] alcohol is bad for for you I need to stop anyway a Mexican's worst enemy is another Mexican oh sh yeah every now and then somebody will be like you're next George Lopez even before this George Lopez thing my response was already like your George Lopez oh really whenever somebody would yell that from the audience or any Latino comedian they go out I just think it's funny that they're just like assuming I like looked up to George Lopez I wanted to ask you when you came up cuz you're 26 I don't think you ever grew up watching him even when I was watching him I was all right I wasn't mad when he said it yeah cuz like like I'm telling you like I have like a whole lot of respect for him still so what if he said it you know what I mean like he doesn't know me so like he knows you my boy you don't say I don't know somebody five times unless you know him yeah he's like hey this George Lopez I was like I want to call apologize and my first worst was like what the [ __ ] and I was like my bad man I didn't mean to be like rude or nothing it just like Dam kind of caught me off guard you know and he was just like yeah man he's like I just I was kind of like in the Heat of the Moment where her just kind of shooting the [ __ ] I didn't mean to like talk badly about you anything like that like but I apologize I was like you didn't have to man I was like I appreciate that a lot he was like no no he's like I did I had to whatever he he's like comic to Comic man to man he's like I just want to apologize man he's like and you got my number if you ever did need help with anything you got my number now oh that's cool yeah that was cool as [ __ ] my grandpa loves living in the states he loves the diversity he loves the technology he appreciates it all because he grew up in this tiny little village in Mexico I don't even think the village had a name it was like two and a light bulb and that was like the only electricity he loved that light bulb man they they have TV so like you'd be in trouble his mom be like no light bulb for a month so now that he's over here he like appreciates the hell out of everything he's Amazed by everything he's Amazed by movies that aren't even new anymore like I love watching old kung fu movies he'll watch them with me the whole time he's like oh my God stuff is amazing there no way it can be real like look at all this I got to tell him like Grandpa Chinese people they exist I actually uh a while back I had two friends go to prison for selling drugs and uh don't worry the story gets better not for them they're in prison but for me I got material out of it I like it when drug dealers call you from prison they always ask the same question they're always like who would have thought I go from driving to B to sleeping in a Cell everybody that's why we asked you to stop they asked me not to talk about this stuff on stage but the way I see it for the next five to seven I can say what I want when they were dealing like small time drugs like weed and stuff we didn't really care but when they started moving to heavier things we sat down one of our friends and we had like a real serious talk like hey man don't go down this route cuz uh nobody wants to see you get you know locked up or or killed and then he started taking us out to eat to really nice restaurants and we were all just like heroin is not that bad everybody here thinks I like guns I'm not like a gun freak but I will say this it is a little bit of a culture shot when I came here and I saw that your grocery stores don't sell guns that is wild what if you got to kill somebody y'all Y you're messing up what's like what's going to happen what's going to happen the day you need eggs and revenge you're just going to have eggs all right come on let's whoop some ass nightclubs nightclubs people get shot in those here I don't like them you look at my face I only get invited to the ones where someone's going to die that night heard people party at nightclubs like some ancient like sacrifice [ __ ] like yo There Will Be Blood tonight but it'll be worth it for a good night like around 1:45 a.m. everybody's drunk everybody's still partying but the eyes start looking around around like who's it going to be somebody this night was too fun for someone not to get shot so I don't be at nightclubs man but it's cool man Texas has not legalized weed uh we've been asking them to and they just gave us more guns we legalized open carry we were like we just want to carry weed they're like how about carry a bazooka I was like I don't want to like no license needed I somebody said weed which is amazing I don't know what else to say about it that's weed is good uh very good I started smoking I was like 13 I was bullied into it honestly I had a heart for the dude it was a big dude I grew up with the guy he he got into way heavier drugs I I drew the line at weed but I remember we were like 12 13 he's like yo smoke smoke this weed with me I got weed and I was like nah no way man he was like smoke this weed with me or I'm going beat the [ __ ] out of you like yo are you that desperate for friends this guy was literally on some like if you're not with me you're against me I like I'm going to smoke weed with you cuz I feel like if I don't you'll be suicidal later man like and I didn't I didn't really want to keep smoking weed with the dude on account of uh he's crazy so I didn't admit that I liked it I was like this is dumb but I was like you ever seen SpongeBob when Squidward found out he likes crabby patties that's how my friends were there like you like marijuana don't you Ralph like all right I do yeah I don't even I don't even smoke weed that often man not not anymore at least sometimes I'll upload videos of my standup on YouTube and people will be like this guy's so baked I'm not this is just my face I do think that because I smoked so much during puberty my face got stuck like this you know how they tell your face going to get stuck like that keep making it I don't smoke that often anymore I I used to I I really do believe that smoking weed as a teenager saved my life though I honestly do cuz I I was a Troublesome little angry kid I used to fight for dumb reasons somebody will be like hey man I was with your girl last night and I'll take it to I'll be like what' you say about my girl but weed mellowed me out instantly with the first hit I remember smoking and just being like man you can have my girl bro no problem I was like let me introduce you I like her so I know you'll love her you know yeah Mel or Meow Man for the most part I was raised from my grandma though which I love when you're being raised by an old lady who doesn't know English you grow up with zero consequences I used to get phone calls from school but who do you think she needed to translate these cars that's right I ran that house anytime anybody would call speaking English ID have to translate she'd put the house phone on speaker and she'd be like who is it what are they saying and if I didn't feel like translating or get it in trouble I would act like I'm listening I'd be like okay uh I don't they're talking real fast Grandma but they're saying something about proof of residency she' be like hang up I'm like if you say so my friend's wife she gets mad at us cuz we like to spend money on shoes and we never donate to her causes he married a really smart woman uh she she's an environmental scientist I think I might be screwing up her job title I just know I don't like her she cares a lot about Earth and she's always asking us to donate to things things she tries to get us man she throws us these hypotheticals she's like if I gave you $300 would you really rather spend it on one pair of shoes that some poor kid in some country probably made with his hands instead of just donating it to something more productive like fighting climate change or global warming I was like I don't think you get it I am not the type of dude who would let some little kids work go to waste I mean I get where she's coming from though she does tell us like the stats on Earth and you know it's doing pretty bad but I don't want to donate I don't want to put money into it either like you know is the earth going to die if we don't fix it yeah maybe but I don't know I think we got to be honest with ourselves as a human race we've we've run this earth into the ground man we've we've turned Earth into like a 99 Honda Civic like yeah I don't want this to die this is my only ride but I I'm not going to keep putting money into this thing man [Music] like I do want to care more about stuff like the environment but then I see people who like really care and I'm like man they got it one of my neighbors got his third recycle bin when I saw that I was like I think we're going to be okay virgin religion virgins religion basic [ __ ] this does remind me of something uh teen pregnancy here here's why I got a little sister and she's not pregnant well she better not be only God knows but she has a little friend a little friend got pregnant and went to a school that's for pregnant [ __ ] like only in America right like a it's a school for only pregnant teenagers which is wild because imagine if some regular girl try to go apply they're like you don't qualify you're not [ __ ] like that virgin get out of here but I'm very close with my friends especially because uh I was an only child I was an only child for a while until I found out that I have half siblings which that got me excited finding out you have half siblings out there is like finding out that they made sequels to your favorite movie you know when you first hear about these sequels you want to see these neverbe seen sequels but then you meet the sequels and you're like they should have just stopped after that last one yo they were making fun of your haircut earlier right it's [ __ ] up you can't make fun I mean you can but it's it's kind of wrong it's wrong to make fun of Mexicans with the little man bun ponytail cuz that's our heritage it derives from that Apocalypto [ __ ] you remember that just went around full circle this is 300 BC [ __ ] right here [ __ ] around with our lineage I would never rock it it looks ridiculous but a lot of my friends here in New York think that Texas is racist it is I mean y'all are racist here too but it's different like in Texas people are racist cuz they're just biased like that they were just raised to hate y'all get racist not because it's just in you y'all just get racist when it's somebody who's like messing up everybody's day you know I mean Texas like yo you're Brown I don't like you right here you're just like I don't care if you brown but I don't like you cuz you held up the TR I also be the fact that you're Brown I seen the dude holding up the train he was holding up the train his backpack wouldn't let the doors close but he didn't know it was his backpack so he was just standing there while the doors were like finally somebody yelled out they were like yo take that sack off and go back to where you came from like oh [ __ ] what's scary is that that it work but I was I was an only child for a long time which I feel made me into a social weirdo like I don't really like going out my friends will force me to go out to like bars and parties and on the way to a party they always say the same thing they always be like you excited come on get excited never once has it worked on me like never once have I've been like all right here I go poptarts Pop-Tarts poptarts comedi what torso strudles ah [ __ ] Bloods and Crips look if you watch the commercials Pop-Tarts is like the one that I thought was ghetto I'm like yeah I wouldn't [ __ ] though like but as I started spending the night at people's houses poptarts is on some middle class [ __ ] yeah I like poptart I like toast shoulders too but it's too much work I got to put the icing on [Music] there that's that's too especially after you buy them at a self checkout store it's like I sold them to myself now I got to create them [ __ ] I've heard Pop-Tarts like can get people sick as long as I don't got to make them that's fine though I'll take the cancer just don't make me work but I will I'll go to parties but I'm trying so hard to like be social but I think people know I'm forcing it I feel like I'm an undercover cop at parties cuz I just walk around talking to myself be like play a cool Ralph they think you're one of them and then somebody will walk up and be like hey you know where the restrooms at and I'll be be like I don't I didn't want to be here walked to my car like you blew it you blew it all right next one Latinas another porn one therapy Latinas don't do therapy Latinos recommend therapy they they D to it yeah that's all I got on that one sometimes people just get straight weird like one guy sent me a message on Instagram and I never opened it so then he sent me the exact same message again on Facebook that's like if you hit on a girl she rejected you and then you went home and changed your shirt and hit on her again now you're just weird in two different colors cartel anything else hold on hold on what' you yell up influencers influencers and cartels BBE and babies yeah I hate when influencers and like those YouTube families have babies I feel like that baby was created just for Content you can make babies for Content you know like porn but don't don't create the baby just to have videos as far as cartels go I'm for him they keep the economy going let's be honest I mean they murder and and rape a lot and but at least they do it in Mexico it's like sweat shops as long as it's not here you know got an iPhone [ __ ] it I see a lot of girls post their cash app on Instagram yeah they won't even post naked they just post a cash app like hey in case anybody wants to send money which I don't think there's anything wrong with that there's just this one girl that I didn't like she posted her cash app and then under it it said don't be one of those lame guys who only sends like $4 I didn't even know her but that made me so mad I sent her a message I was like Hey I'm going to need my $4 back been cool man I've been having a cool little week uh I ran into my mom's ex-boyfriend the other day yeah he's doing really good man he uh he was right we we were holding him back he dresses so much nicer he got a car now I approached him I had to I said dude if this is what getting away from my mom looks like I'm ready bro that's the one dude that broke up with my mom every dude she dated she would dump them but I remember the day he broke up with I was 10 years old he's walking out the house I was like he is going places it's been cool man Chicago put me in a good mood I was in a bad mood when I came the other day back home I got pulled over and and I wasn't moving though so I didn't think it was that fair I was just I was parked I was parked in a parking lot and then this cop just pulled in behind me and lit me up but honestly I was like damn he's good cuz I was just about to start speeding he's two steps ahead of me he's going to make detective [ __ ] ass I felt like he was messing with me a little bit cuz like I'm just sitting there in the parking lot right and you know he rolls up on me he knocks on window he's like hey you've been in this parking lot for quite a while and it's starting to look suspicious why are you just parked here I said sir this is going to sound a little crazy but the dude who invented parking lots this is what he wanted us to do with [Laughter] them he didn't really like that little joke I was like I'm doing what I'm supposed to do I you should get in your car and try it out man yeah he didn't really like that little joke like I don't think he was racist at all but as I said that joke I could see any love he had for Latin just depleting in his eyes he started asking me if I was high I don't like to smoke weed and go out in public so when cops ask me things like that I don't even get nervous you know but this time I was pretty high to give you an idea of how high I was like I couldn't even focus on on the officer talking to me because there was some lady in the parking lot walking around screaming out for somebody named Roco she was like Roco Rocco Rocco to the point where like I don't know what the cop was talking about I was just like what's going on with Rocco why is he not answering am I Rocko he was like Hey pay attention he was asking me if I was on drugs or if I had drugs but I don't know like the way he asked me made me feel like maybe he's looking to party I only say that because cops have an official way of asking things like cop lingo they're like hey are you under the influence of any drugs do you have any substances on you things like that but he didn't ask like that what he did is he's right here at my window right and then he and then he hits one of these he goes and then he licked his lips y heit a me a mean ass P did he he goes you do cocaine I was like I've never tried it but if you have some I'll try it once he was asking me for my ID but look the whole reason I was in this parking lot was I borrowed my cousin's car to go to the store and when I got there I realized I forgot my wallet so then I just you know sat in the car killed 20 minutes on Instagram before driving home the whole reason that this cop approached my car was cuz after he had seen it parked there for a while he ran the tags and when it came up under my cousin's name it showed that my cousin has a warrant out for his arrest like I said I don't have my ID man and you don't know how hard it is for a Hispanic dude in a 99 Impala to convince a cop his name is not Carlos I was like sir I'm not this Thug you think I am I showing on my emails from Banana Republic I'm if I was Carlos you think I have banana points come on man I was like I'm not Carlos I'm Roco maybe I don't know anymore yeah I don't know man I started smoking as a teenager which was cool I grew up with like the exact same group of friends my whole life the same friends growing up like a little group of six of us we're still tight till this day like brothers but I always remember right around the time I started smoking my friend started coming out the closet yeah it's like I said it's a group of six of us it started with one he broke the ice he let us know that he's bisexual and at that same day at that same time another two of my friends came came out and told her that they were gay so the remaining three of us just kind of looked at each other like trying to figure out who's next I'm not going to lie in my head I was like damn what if it's me it's just mad confusing you know how confusing it is to be this 15year old kid thinking you're growing up in the streets with the thugs and it turns out nah you're just a dude from a predominantly gay neighborhood is off it it threw me off so bad man you know what I mean I'm I'm I'm I'm 15 half my friends are coming out the closet it's confusing I had to have a heart to heart with my buddy I was like Paco you and me been hanging out every day together since we were seven do you think I'm gay too he's like man I'll put it to you like this man he we're in school so he points at my classmates he's like you see Jessica and Emily over there if if you could have sex with one who would you have sex with I said either one he okay what about John and Jessica I said Jessica but I know you're going with this I should [ __ ] John to really figured things out he's like do whatever you want man so I'm straight now I'm K I'm kid but yeah I don't know good times as teenagers you know I started smoking my friends were coming out the closet we were all just putting things in our mouth that we like learning about ourselves it's cool man I miss I miss where I grew up I like that area I grew up like right in between a really bad neighborhood and a really nice one so like I've always understood all the hood lingo but sometimes out hear it and like I still don't catch on quite you know it throws me off I guess cuz of where I'm at in the area like the other day my neighbor was catching up with me he's like Ralph I know you've been hitting some fat licks off these comedy shows homie break bread with your king F babies you know me and you we go way back like four flats on the Cadillac cuz I was like man I don't like when you talk like that Kyle I can tell I grew up on the batter side of the area just based off of the relationship advice the older dudes used to give me like this older neighbor named Roger I was just venting one day I was like yeah I don't think he's going to work out with this girl man he's like you got to do what I do when I'm having problems with my girl I look right in the face and I say look baby you can do what you do in those streets but at the end of the day the streets don't love you like I do I was like I don't think we're having the same type [Applause] of relationship problems there like yeah I get jealous sometimes but you Roger I think your girlfriend is a prostitute I can tell I could tell that I was on the batter side just because of the gas stations man like if I'm ever in an area and I'm not sure what kind of area it is I walk into a gas station that's how I calculate the statistics you know what I mean if I go into a gas station and that store has more hot chips than regular chips I know my chances of getting shot have gone up 60% but my chance of getting some good weed has gone up 120% I had a I had a job at of McDonald's when I was 16 and like I used to get kind of depressed as a teenager like I'll admit I even had a little bit of like that self-hatred but McDonald's saved my life after two weeks of working there I was like nah I don't hate myself this much I'm out deserve better nightclubs nightclubs people get shot in those here I don't like them you look at my face I only get invited to the ones where someone's going to die that night but I will say this it is a little bit of a culture shock when I came here and I saw that your grocery stores don't sell guns that is wild what if you got to kill somebody yo they were making fun of your haircut earlier right it's [ __ ] up you can't make F I mean you can but it's it's kind of wrong it's wrong to make fun of Mexicans with the little man bun ponytail cuz that's our heritage it derived from that Apocalypto [ __ ] you remember just went around full circle this is 300 BC [ __ ] right here [ __ ] around with our lineage I would never rock it it looks ridiculous but is the earth going to die if we don't fix it yeah maybe but I don't know I think we got to be honest with our ourselves as a human race we've we've run this earth into the ground man we've we've turned Earth into like a 99 Honda Civic like yeah I don't want this to die this is my only ride but I I'm not going to keep putting money into this thing man like sometimes people just get straight weird like one guy sent me a message on Instagram and I never opened it so then he sent me the exact same message again on Facebook oh God that's like if you hit on a girl she rejected you and then you went home and changed your shirt and hit on her again now you're just weird in two different colors I feel like I'm an undercover cop at parties cuz I just walk around talking to myself be like play a cool Ralph they think you're one of them and somebody will walk up and be like hey you know where the restrooms at and I'll be like I don't I didn't want to be here walk to my car like you blew it you blew it as far as cartels go I'm for them they keep the economy going let's be honest I mean they murder and and rape a lot and but at least they do it in Mexico it's like sweat shops as long as it's not here you know got an iPhone [ __ ] it I see a lot of girls post their cash app on Instagram yeah they won't even post naked they just posted cash app like hey in case anybody wants to send money which I don't think there's anything wrong with that there's just this one girl that I didn't like she posted her cash app and then under it it said don't be one of those lame guys who only sends like $4 I didn't even know her but that made me so mad I sent her a message I was like hey I'm going to need my $4 back it's been cool man Chicago put me in a good mood I was in a bad mood when I came other day back home I got pulled over and and I wasn't moving though so I didn't think it was that fair I was just I was parked I was parked in a parking lot and then this cop just pulled in behind me and lit me up but honestly I was like damn he's good cuz I was just about to start speeding he's two steps ahead of me it's been cool man I've been having a cool little week uh I ran into my mom's ex-boyfriend the other day yeah he's doing really good man he uh he was right we we were holding him back he started asking me if I was high I don't like to smoke weed and go out in public so when cops ask me things like that I don't even get nervous you know but this time I was pretty high but I'm very close with my friends especially because uh I was an only child I was an only child for a while until I found out that I have half siblings which that got me excited finding out you have half siblings out there is like finding out that they made sequels to your favorite movie you know when you first hear about these sequels you want to see these neverbe seen sequels but then you meet the sequels and you're like they should have just stopped after that last one and he was asking me if I was on drugs or if I had drugs but I don't know like the way he asked me made me feel like maybe he's looking to [Laughter] party I only say that because cops have an official way of asking things like cop lingo they're like hey are you under the influence of any drugs do you have any substances on you things like that but he didn't ask like that what he did is he's right here at my window right and then he and then he hits one of these he goes and then he licked his lips y he hit a me a mean ass P did he he goes you do cocaine I was like I've never tried it but if you have some I'll try once I like poptart I like toal strs too but it's too much work I got to put the icing on [Music] there that's that's too especially after you buy them at a self checkout store it's like I sold them to myself now I got to create them some [ __ ] I've heard Pop-Tarts like can get people sick as long as I don't got to make them that's fine though I'll take the cancer just don't make me work he was asking me for my ID but look the whole reason I was in this parking lot was I borrowed my cousin's car to go to the store and when I got there I realized I forgot my wallet so then I just you know sat in the car killed 20 minutes on Instagram before driving home the whole reason that this cop approached my car was cuz after he had seen it parked there for a while he ran the tags and when it came up under my cousin's name it showed that my cousin has a Waring out for his arrest yeah and like I said I don't have my ID man and you don't know how hard it is for a Hispanic dude in a 99 Impala to convince a cop his name is not Carlos I was like sir I'm not this Thug you think I am I was showing on my emails from Banana Republic I'm I was Carlos you think I have banana points come on man I got a little sister and she's not pregnant well she better not be only God knows but she has a little friend a little friend got pregnant and went to a school that's for pregnant [Music] [ __ ] like only in America right like a it's a school for only pregnant teenagers which is wild because imagine if some regular girl try to go apply they're like you don't qualify you're not [ __ ] like that virgin get out of here like I don't really like going out my friends will force me to go out to like bars and parties and on the way to a party they always say the same thing they always be like you excited come on get excited never once has it worked on me like never once have I been like all right here I go good times as teenagers you know I started smoking my friend friends were coming out the closet we were all just putting things in our mouth that we like when drug dealers call you from prison they always ask the same question they're always like who would have thought i' go from driving to B to sleeping in a Cell everybody that's why we asked you to stop they asked me not to talk about this stuff on stage but the way I see it for the next fight to seven I can say what I want I miss I where I grew up I like that area I grew up like right in between a really bad neighborhood and a really nice one so like I've always understood all the hood lingo but sometimes I'll hear it and like I still don't catch on quite you know it throws me off I guess cuz of where I'm at in the area like the day my neighbor was catching up with me he's like Ralph I know you've been hitting some fat licks off these comedy shows homie break bread with your king F babies you know me and you we go way back like four flats on the Cadillac cuz I was like man I don't like when you talk like that Kyle

Channel: Comedy Inquisition

Views: 409,818

Keywords: Ralph Barbosa, Stand up, Comedy

Id: SL4LDM6ehQs

Length: 42min 59sec (2579 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 28 2023