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what's that one story you've always wanted to tell on our slashes credit but no one has ever asked the right question a few weeks ago i was visiting los angeles i'm from spain but i'm fluent in english i needed help finding directions to a certain address i'm in downtown at this point on foot i ask a guy in the street if he knows where the address is he responds with no hablo ingles which is i don't speak english in spanish being from spain i understood him and asked him again in spanish then he says in crystal clear english dude i just don't wanna talk to anyone leave me alone i live in a small rural town when i was 7 my parents let my older sister and i ride our bikes about 3.5 miles into town to get lunch at the only restaurant in town which my mom's cousin owns i didn't realize how long of a ride 3.5 miles and was hot and tired and crabby and burned my tongue on my burger so i threw a fit and refused to ride my bike home a stranger overheard my sister and i arguing about this and offered me a ride home he said he could just put my bike in the back of his truck and everything would be fine my sister agreed because she didn't want to have to call my parents to come pick us up and she was tired of my whining and also she was 10 years old and dumb i realized on the drive home that i hadn't given the man directions or told him my name but he somehow knew my name and where i lived he dropped me off at home helped me put my bike in the garage and then drove down the road to go visit my grandparents it turns out the man was my grandpa's brother one of twelve siblings he recognized me because i looked just like my mom did at that age the play-by-play numbered list of the most inconvenient day of my life not the worst day the most annoying and inconvenient and overall sucky one got woke up by a frantic phone call from my friend asking me to drive him and his dog to the airport i say yes because i'm stupid and nice two paving stone falls off truck in front of me and punches a hole in my transmission car totaled three convince my other friend to pick me friend one and dog up on a women drivers to the airport and then me after my parents house to get a diff car four arrive at airport late and get stuck a dog drop off place because the crate friend one brought is too small dog not allowed on plane in such a small crate five except that now i have to watch friend one's dog for a week while he is gone because he fricked up and didn't plan anything out six friend two dog and i drive to parents house an hour away to pick up car batteries could put a new car seven spend next two hours buying new battery for car by now it's dark and i've wasted my whole day running errands and wrecking my car for my friend because i'm stupid and nice eight finally start driving home with dog from parents house nine halfway home some pedestrian bulbs out into the middle of the highway and i end up swerving to not hit them but it didn't work 10. hit woman with car 11. freak out pull over and run into street to see if woman is okay 12 woman is fine only managed to smack the side mirror but strung out on drugs and very out of it and crying 13. i feel terrible for hitting her obviously so i offer to drive her to wherever she needs to go because i'm stupid and nice 14. she gets in and we drive to a trailer park to meet her boyfriend she is on phone the whole way and is complaining to her bf about the crazy guy who hit her with a car she did not realize at the time that i was that guy 15 arrive at trailer park and immediately the dog manages to open the door and bolt out of the car 16 without thinking i run after him not my dog i ain't gonna lose it and chase him for about 20 minutes 17 realize i just left a meth head in my parents car alone with the keys in the ignition 18. freak the freak out again and run back to the car 19 meth head is still there i tell her i need to take the car and chase down this dog she responds with i'm sorry i ruined your day very sarcastically 20 lose my temper and tell her to get the frick out of my car 21 finally catch dog after two plus hours of chasing him through a trailer park at night 22. drive home and quietly drink myself silly from the crappy crappy day i just had tldr erected cars in separate accidents hit a woman with my car and lost a dog that didn't belong to me among other things all in one day sixth grade i had hit a major growth spurt so most of my clothes didn't fit and my family couldn't afford new ones once winter came around the only jacket i had that i could still fit in even a bit was much too thin to be of any use my teacher noticed and i walked into class one morning to see a big fluffy winter coat on the back of my chair and a chicken soup for the soul book on my desk her kindness still makes my eyes water even almost two decades later miss robertson if you're reading this thank you i never forgot i accidentally stole a car i had just gotten off work i was working two jobs at the time and i got belt any sleep i walked out and got into my car started it up and started driving home i didn't realize something was wrong until i couldn't find my awk scored and then i started realizing that there were things in the car that were not mine like the child seat in the back i was an 18 year old with no kids i flip a u-turn and bust ass back to work to hopefully get the car back before its owner notices it's gone i didn't cops were there and i was very quickly arrested owner dropped charges only after three things were done one i showed my keys unlocked and started her car then pointed to my car which was the same model color and year two one of my co-workers vouched for the fact that the customer parked in the spot i almost always parked in three camera footage was pulled for the past nine days i had work showing that seven of those days i parked in that spot and the other two i parked close to it was walking to the mailbox late one morning because i was expecting something important the mailbox is roughly a half mile from my house and on the way i have to pass a bus stop i was moseying along when i see the bus pull up but i don't think much of it because it's hot and i'm tired and i'm not getting on the bus i'm just going to the mailbox well the bus waits and waits and waits the bus is not leaving without me do i walk past the bus and ignore the situation do i thank the driver for waiting but explain i'm just getting the mail no i get on the freaking bus what do i do next i miss the stop i was planning to get off on next stop next town over bus only comes by once an hour and that is how i ended up drinking tequila in a walmart parking lot at noon never did make it to the mailbox one time in second grade we we are taking a state standardized test that means all day no talking and filling in bubbles one kid who sat across from me who i haven't heard say a word all year this was the end of the year stands up in the middle of the test in complete silence and says in an almost shout has anyone seen maladin i reply the movie the kid says what movie in quite the inquisitive tone and sits back down and goes back to taking the test as if that didn't just happen everyone was shocked including the teacher no one said a word after that weirdest moment of my life i saw a black and white cat club as in a club whose members were the neighborhood black and white cats i happened to glance across the street one night and saw about five or six cats heading for a neighbor's backyard i recognized all the cats none of them had the same owner there was the grumpy one owned by the old lady two houses down the one that lived on the other side of the block the probable stray ect then i looked closer and saw my new little black and white kitten with them what really makes this stick out to me was that it was only black and white ones none of other cats in the area and i know there were other differently colored cats in the area i'm still scratching my head over what that was welcoming party gang meeting cult initiation ritual has anyone else ever seen cats do this my story is my crazy ass medical drama that happened wow exactly a year and a half ago today everyone close to me knows about it but it's weird talking to them about it too because they all remember more than i do anyway and it was a hard time for them to just need to talk it out sometimes yeah no so i woke up on may 1st 2017 in excruciating pain some vomiting so i thought i had some horrible food poisoning that stopped after a couple of hours but the pain just kept getting worse it was in my entire abdomen but mostly upper right quadrant eventually my then boyfriend now fiance convinced me to go to an urgent care they couldn't figure out what was wrong thought maybe a gallbladder issue and wanted me to get an ultrasound gave me some tramadol and sent me on my way to the ultrasound except they couldn't get me in until 8 am the next morning i went the next morning barely able to walk and only thanks to the drugs and had the ultrasound now usually the techs doing it aren't supposed to tell you anything but she told me to expect their call soon by 11am i had a phone call saying to go to the er and tell them i was bleeding internally at the air i get taken immediately back and the cord scan done over ten tumors on my liver to that our five centimeter diameter and one ten centimeters diameter one that had ruptured over the next 15 days i spent in the hospital still in excruciating pain but on epic amounts of dilaudid after discovering i'm majorly allergic to morphine that was an adventure multiple surgeons and doctors come talk to me many scans done by a sea done etc turns out their hepatic adenomas caused likely by contraceptive use but it took them forever to diagnose because one they are super rare like an incidence rate of 0.004 percent of women on contraceptives get them in two they usually get one that is at largest quarter sized i had to have a liver resection removing half of my liver and the large bleeding tumor which grew to 15 centimeters in the days i was in the hospital the resulting surgery gave me a fabulous 13-inch scar across the middle of my abdomen and another eight days in the hospital following that surgery it took about a month to be able to get out of bed by myself and walk around for more than an hour or so and really a full six months to get mostly back to normal i had two embolizations in september 2017 and october 2017 to try and kill the two five centimeter tumors recently i had pain again and discovered i had a new crop of tumors had another embolization in august 2018 to try and kill those it's so annoying and all of my family feels sorry for me all the time they treat me like i'm so fragile when i used to be the strongest one of the kids me sibling and cousins i'm tired of being sick mariah and i'm more annoyed at my new tumors rather than upset by it it's just a frustrating existence that is hard to explain sometimes every time i think something gets better a new annoying thing crops up related somehow to the tumors i wish i could move past this point in my life so thanks for listening to my rant tl dr birth control pills gave me tumors and a giant scar it's annoying and i'm over it went on a date with a girl off tinder and we hit it off okay no real chemistry though and figured i'd never see her again next night she texts me and tells me she's at a bar near me for a birthday and that i should come through i figure why not and meet up and end up having a great time she's super chatty and there's definitely something there that wasn't there the night before after a few hours she tells me we should go back to my place why the hell not we are talking the entire cab ride back and she's coherent and fine we get to my place and she opens up her door and fascinates onto the street she has somehow become blackout wasted during the 10-minute cab ride at this point she is incoherent and can't tell me where she lives so i pick her up and walk her up the block to my place up three flights and settle her in my room i don't feel okay sharing a bed with her when she's like this so i leave her some water and put a trash can by the bed just in case and start to leave my room and head to the couch i hear something as i get to the door and turn back in time to see her roll off my bed hit her neck on the corner of the trash can and slam onto the floor she then starts painting the walls like a sprinkler i just watch it happen for a minute i can't do anything once she stops i pick her up and take her to the bathroom she starts round two as i go back to my room and start cleaning up after a few minutes i go check on her and she is passed out in my toilet at this point she is completely immobile and i can't get her up she has become 50 pound heavier so i grab a pillow put her head in my lap and resolve to sleep in the bathroom with her worried my roommate might stumble upon her in the middle of the night after a few hours of rough sleep she wakes me up and tells me she needs to use the bathroom i'll even let her do her thing after about 15 minutes i get worried and go to knock on the door only to find in a jar i push it open only to be confronted with a wall of stink she has passed out on my toilet while taking the most obscene crap and her head is now jammed between the toilet back and my sink somehow i managed to get her head free but she is out i can't do anything anymore i can't get her up and i can't wipe her ass for her so i leave her and go to the couch after a few hours i hear her get up and go to my bed i check in on her and she is out fully clothed in my bed and covered in puke still defeated i go back to the couch i have to work early in the morning so i go to check in on her around 7am only to find she has gotten her period in my bed i leave her 10 a t-shirt and jeans and erections to the nearest laundromat she texted me later apologizing and we went on another date and ended up sleeping together wonder what happened to her i was with two of my friends around midnight we were in high school at the time and were going to pull into the parking lot of a park to smoke weed while sitting in the car we had been here several times before and it was private enough where nobody ever bothered us this night we pull in and see a group of people just walking across the parking lot from one side to the other and into the pitch blackfield they weren't together but almost 30 people throughout the parking lot just walking in the same direction they looked like they were from all walks of life a construction worker kids a grandma all different looking people as we pulled into the lot and my friend's car shined his headlights on some of the people nobody turned around to look at us they just kept walking without breaking eye contact with the field tldr i went to a park to smoke weed with friends and came across a cult or possible group of zombies when i was a kid we lived out in the country and this very pregos dog showed up on the farm my stepdad told us not to feed it cause we already had more dogs than we needed and if we fed her she might stick around and have her puppies so of course we secretly fed her just as my stepdad predicted she had her puppies we were thrilled but knew we would have to hide them from my stepdad he is not a cruel man but he would have killed them it might be hard for a lot of people to stomach but we were living pretty hand-to-mouth and he lived in reality of food for dogs vs food for kids we didn't have the money to support a stray dog's puppies or heck even the money for gas to take them to the nearest shelter after a few weeks of sneaking the mama dog food in back of our feet said she stopped showing up i worked on a dairy so i started sneaking a little milk home in my saddlebags to feed the pups unfortunately after a few weeks of that my step had found them and was pretty irate over the disobedience and stealing milk however with much pleading my sisters and i convinced him to let us keep them he said he wasn't paying for shots or food fine by me i could make in a few weeks at the dairy to get this done unfortunately orphaned puppies have weak immune systems and they all got pavo before i had the money my sisters and i spent all day and night for several days trying to keep them alive with a right dropper of water to keep them from getting dehydrated one by one each puff succumb to the illness eventually only a single one was left in my stepwood softened by our dedication told us we could keep it if it lived by some miracle she lived we named her sassafras and she was the cutest little corgi ishmat one day my stepdad calls to me and tells me to grab a towel i come outside with a bath towel and he shakes his head no and i send me back to get a work towel i come back out and he looks at me as sad as a true blue cowboy could look and says i'm sorry pumpkin i didn't know she was there he had accidentally backed over the puppy's head when he put the farm truck into reverse sassafras had been sleeping in the shade behind the tire he says it's your dog you need to handle this i will never forget how surprisingly hot the insides of my puppy were as i scooped her into a towel to bury her i was heartbroken a month or so later my stepdad comes into my room with a holding baby possum in his hand next to his chest i was perplexed because possums were a vein on the farm cause they killed chickens i stood there confused and he gruffly says well are you going to take it or not i cautiously reach out and grab it it wasn't a possum it was a blue heeler puppy she turned out to be the most amazing dog i was blessed to have her in my life for almost 17 years and could write a book on all the adventures we had together i know my stepdad might get a lot of flack from the internet folks but he was an amazing man who taught me so very much and offered very real and often hard lessons in the realities of life i know i'm better for having him in my life the camera in the woods in front of my townhouse building growing up was a wooded area within a massive drainage area my friends and i were trying acid for our first time at my house when we were 17 standing outside and we see this little red light in the dress like a camera tell them we must be tripping because i would have noticed that before it's too dark to go and investigate next day i don't see the light and kind of forget about it graduate go to college and come back for a visit my parents friend was living with them since house was empty think my parents are swingers btw since their kids are gone their friend and i are standing outside smoking a bowl because my parents dislike smoking he asks if i've noticed the light in the woods we went to investigate in the morning and saw nothing no camera in the daylight nor red light the next night three more years pass and it turns out one of the neighbours was spying on his wife who wasn't cheating but became obsessed with spying and moved on to neighbors and coworkers through recordings the camera was disappearing because he had a strictly pulley system thing from a tree to his window and must have noticed people pointing to the trees towards his camera through the feed it was clear fishing line and that's how no one noticed my neighbor caught him because the pool system broke and the camera fell into her car windshield cops were never called just a lot of head ducking after that i work with a guy who ended up on the air after an intimate night with his gf they tried the back door and apparently she had eaten jalapenos a jalapeno seed went into his well he was in a lot of pain this is what he's known for at work now i had been working a job under the table and was let go they gave me a month's paying cash as severance i was in shock and not having internet at the time this was in dinosaur times before iphones went to a local internet cafe downtown run by the same company that runs easyjet actually to update friends and family on what happened as i'm typing i notice someone in my peripheral vision crouching down by my chair i'd like to think the suddenness of having lost my jobbies why it takes a minute for it to click i look down and my backpack is missing i turn and see the guy heading upstairs to the ground floor and the exit not really thinking things through i tear after the guy i get to the top of the stairs and see him walking outside and have a moment of panic that he is going to hand my back off to an accomplice but no i managed to catch up to him and again not really considering how badly this could backfire grab him and start yelling at him fortunately he didn't have a weapon which was extremely lucky for me instead he silently gave me back my bad and then just walked away up the street i was so hyped up on adrenal line that i just stood there shaking for a while before i went back inside to finish up when i got back to the chair i double checked that my personal stuff like a digital camera were still there because i had heard sometimes they'll snake what they can from it first in case they get caught fortunately everything was there including the envelope with my severance in it i had totally forgotten about it up until that point it was basically the only time i have ever carried that much cash on me almost two thousand dollars and it happened to be the day i was almost robbed this story was one of those legends passed down at college i knew a guy who swears he met the guy involved he was a really shy guy pretty unlucky with the ladies never had a girlfriend but really nice and hoping to meet a nice girl too he went to a ball at another college and got himself pretty plastered but managed to pick up and the girl asked him back to her room he was over the moon and back they go they make out in her bed for a while but unfortunately he's too a bit too wasted and falls asleep when he wakes up he's still naked and the girl is nowhere to be seen he gets up and tries to find his clothes and they are gone too hungover and utterly miserable he realizes he's been duped she never liked him the whole thing was just a chance to pull some cruel joke he wraps the sheet around himself and prepares to make the dash back to his own college but he's feeling heartbroken and decides that it's time for revenge first no one is going to make a fool of him like this he makes sure the door is locked then squats on her desk and lays an enormous steaming booze fueled sloppy turd all over her homework satisfied with his work he leaves where he runs into her in the corridor bringing back his freshly washed clothes with coffee and bagels for them both while in iraq we were sent on various missions one night the iraqi police came to us terrified they claimed that there was a giant hairy monster eating iraqi police they asked us to go hunted down we got our gear and patrolled southern for luja for six hours after the patrol was over we were informed that we were hunting the iraqi equivalent of bigfoot so there we were hunting a bigfoot and iraq god bless america my boss graduated from the same school i'm currently a senior at and one time he told me about how he was accidentally involved in a bomb threat so him and his buddies would play football on the school field when school wasn't in session and one time there were people doing a photo op on the field and they left their camera case my boss thinking it would be a kind gesture brought the case to the main entrance so the people could come back for it next time he was in school he was waiting in the cafeteria for first bell to ring but staff told them to stay in the cafeteria apparently they thought the camera case was a bomb when it was clearly not so my family used to do a crap ton of road trips we would drive about 14 hours every major holiday to see family on the way there is this wonderful italian restaurant amazing food but the portions are always so huge that we never finish the food well we had leftovers on the drive home and my sister decides she was hungry also she wasn't wearing pants don't remember why not but she wasn't well she was hungry so she decided s to eat some of the leftovers what does she do she goes and spills the entire carton of leftover pasta onto her underwear we all start screaming because we have nothing to clean the pasta up with so my sisters decides to use her underwear to clean up the spaghetti well now we have spaghetti and underwear which isn't very helpful so what do we do with the spaghetti underwear we throw it out the window the underwear hit a car and splatters the windshield with spaghetti i'm really glad we don't go on many road trips anymore we went on a lads night out and somehow two random scottish birds ended up coming back to our house with like 14 lads we're all just drinking having a laugh when someone points out that the one bird is tossing my mate off under a blanket we all make a joke about it call them out on it and tell them to go somewhere private so he takes her to my bathroom he freaks her on the bathroom floor and they come back downstairs after the deed's done i go up for a pass and there's a watery substance all over the floor so i ask wtf is on my floor she goes bright red he starts laughing and says she's a squirter mate i was like tf jude clean it up namate is his response so i went upstairs and cleaned the scottish bird's cheese off my floor with a mob went back downstairs with the mop walked straight up to him and slapped him across the face with the mop once when i was eight years old i was running through the forest suddenly i got pulled back by something i didn't know what but it didn't hurt i called for my dad when he came he gasped and said that i shouldn't move he then proceeded to remove a fishing hook that was in my skin right next to my eye one more millimeter to the left and i would been blind with one eye for the rest of my life i was a huge slacker in high school i wouldn't read reading assignments i'd cheat on assignments and tests i outright didn't do assignments if i didn't feel that the grade was worth the time etc most of my teachers were aware of my laziness and a few of them rightfully suspected the cheating aspect as well my body was the same way in my spanish one class we had spanish nicknames just for fun mine was thomas and my buddies was josue this was the last period of each day and our teacher would let us out before the bell would ring if we were to finish class early for each chapter in our textbook we'd be given an assignment to make flash cards on which one side would be one of the chapters vocabulary terms in the other side would be the english translation easy assignment right well it was worth such points that i couldn't be bothered to ever do it anyway to grade them she'd walk up and down the aisles between the desks check for the stack of vocabulary cards and move on to the next student nothing too thorough it's the end of the period and we are ready to leave early as usual which she said that we could do after she checks our cards she goes to check jose's cards and he actually has them done i'm stunned just as much as she is as she continues up the aisle and with her back turned joe sue passes me his cards as she approaches me she asks thomas do you have your vocabulary cards without even looking at me expecting me to say no yes ma'am i respond flashing the cards at her she looks baffled she knows that something is up josu where are your cards oh i put them away misses we reyes do you mind pulling them out and showing them to me again as josu reaches underneath his desk for his binder he of course doesn't say anything but he doesn't have to his facial expression says it all i neither want to screw over my friend nor want to get caught cheating how severe would the punishment be our friend jane is eager to have his cards checked so that he can leave early completely unaware of what's going on jane walks up to mrs ries from behind and asks if she'll check his cards she turns around and as she checks his cards i give josue his cards back how do i get us out of this predicament mrs ries turns back around and sees josie with his cards she then looks to me and asks thomas now where are your cards uh i threw them away i sheepishly answer she gives me the all too familiar look of disappointment and asks why would you do that i continue let's be honest you and i both know that i won't use them anyway well go get them and show them to me please this is it we are about to get caught cheating is there a way out of this i walk to the trash can brainstorming what to do when i get to it and don't have any cards to show her do i shamefully act like they are suddenly missing from the trash can do i cut the bullcrap and try the honesty route i don't know i continue to the trash can and am flabbergasted and what i find a stack of the chapters vocabulary cards sitting neatly on top no freaking way i bring them back to my desk and show them to her she looks to josue and he flashes his cards to her as well with a surprise tone she says i'm sorry that i ever doubted you too she continues checking others cards and my buddy whispers whose cards are those dude i have no freaking clue the next day i tell jame about what happened he asks you know what's funny what those were my cards i threw them away on my way out of class those cards were there for only seconds and he had no idea that i needed him to put them there what are the odds [Music] [Music] [Music] you

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Keywords: reddit, askreddit, askreddit funny, top posts, top posts of r/, r/, r/askreddit, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, top posts of all time, askreddit question, askreddit top posts, ask reddit, askreddit reading, subreddit, reddit stories, best of r/askreddit, funny reddit, best reddit posts, best of reddit, reddify, toadfilms

Id: H5Bo-mF09yo

Length: 32min 27sec (1947 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 07 2020