Affair Love vs Authentic Love

good evening good evening good evening everyone out there on Facebook live I'm glad to come to you for another great session of our therapy recovery a live broadcast I am in a lobby of a hotel hopefully you can hear me okay and there's not a lot of background noise but I wanted to spend a couple minutes a day I wanted to remain committed to our time of a few minutes off but I wanted to talk to you today we've been talking about the impact that Affairs have on people's relationships and I wanted to talk about a topic of authentic love verses of fair love I think that oftentimes what Affairs occur and a partner discovers the affair one of the first questions is Harry buddy thanks for tuning in one of the first questions is will did your lover or do you love her or do you love him that's somehow it's it's painful enough that an affair has occurred but the emotional component on top of that makes it that much worse that's why when people are comparing physical Affairs to emotional Affairs the question is which is more painful and for many people the emotional piece is a very very difficult piece that kind of recover from because not only did you get that person in your body but you also gave them your heart you gave them your soul you gave in your mind you gave your emotions and that's something hard to kind of bounce back from and so I want to help you decode the difference between authentic love and a fair love because it's two entirely different things now one of the things that we know according to the five love languages when two people come together in a relationship the first experience emotional experience that they have is what we call the infatuation period that is the in love feeling and oftentimes when people are forming a relationship they have that in love feelings whether we're going to do anything for their partner they're willing to bend over backwards and to go to all ends of the earth for their partner because of this feeling and emotion that we have of love but often time statistics would suggest that that in love feelings dissipates after two years and then you transition into a different type of love and so one of the things that couples struggle with is how come we don't have the passion how can we don't have the infatuation the in love feeling that we have when we first got in our relationship because a lot of that is associated with a feeling of newness and that's one of the attractive things when it comes to an affair because this is new because this is fresh because this is different all of a sudden having emotions that I haven't felt in so many years with my partner and I kind of feel like you're my soulmate and you're able to compensate me in ways that my partner can't and that's the deception somehow we think that the grass is greener on the other side and oftentimes we give up 80% if you will of what we need for the 20% in the other person that we believe that we need but it's all a deception at the end of the day what makes that a fair partner so alluring is because we don't share hers we don't share pain there haven't been past failures and disappointments and trials and tribulations that we experience we don't share bills we don't have responsibilities together in essence you represent an escape for me somewhere that I can go someone that I can connect with that allows me to be free of responsibility allows me to have that youthful feeling that I once had or that I felt when I was with my partner and I'm able to be with you in ways that I cannot be with my own partner this must be love but this is what we would identify as a fair love and a fair love is very deceptive it would make us think that it's authentic but it is not and I want to clarify for you to let you know that love is more than a feeling and I know that a lot of us hinge this concept of love on how we feel so we get married because we fall in love and many of us get divorced because we fall out of love but love is a feeling but is that in a whole lot more and so if you're in a truly committed and loving relationship you have to understand that there component of love number one we have the eros love which is that sensual passionate erotic feeling oriented love that makes us want to do anything for our partner we want to spend all of our time together we'll spend hours on the phone falling asleep on the phone just to be me or just to be close to our partner because we're in love and that is the feeling of newness that we fear with an affair partner however there are other two types of love now the question is are you in love or did you fall in love with this partner you are having an affair with now overwhelmingly there is no love there in rare situations where it's a long-term relationship and affair that love can develop over time but statistically the most Affairs only lasts for a few weeks to a few months and within that period of time there isn't enough a foundation to develop into what we will call offensive love so it is just a feeling for the moment that begins to dissipate but in a committed relationship you have your arrows lovers and you transition into what we call phileo love that is that brotherly caring type of love now one of the things that we learned in fall in love stay in love awesome book written by dr. Willard Harley he said when you're in the caring love phase there's two personalities that rise up within you there's the giver and there's the taker in the initial part of a relationship your Giver comes out that is when you're willing to do anything for the person that makes them feel good even if it makes you not feel so good but you're willing to do it because you love them but as a relationship begins to develop oftentimes the taker rises up the taker is that personality that says I'm going to do whatever I need to do to make me feel good even if it doesn't make you feel good so the key is learning how to have a valence a healthy balance between the giver and the taker so that caring love can manifest in the relationship now a lot of couples who are no longer in the in love feeling have that caring love and that caring love is sustainable but I think what we do is we discount the importance of the erotic sensual sexual in love feeling which is just as important so the key is learning how to stay in love how to fall in love all over again and there's things that you have to do to be intentional to bring back that feeling while you remain that what why you maintain that caring love in the relationship and then the third piece is God's agape love now if you know about the book of 1st Corinthians 6 chapter it talks about all of the attributes that speak to that of godly godly type of love I encourage you to go and do research for yourself but it allows you to sustain your relationship meaning it is the thing that keeps you bounded and in that relationship when you reach a rough patch because in your relationship they're going to be seasons of hardship season to struggle times when you're going to feel like giving up throwing in the towel calling it quits and just doing away with what you've invested all of your years in that relationship of for me but what it is is when you have that God loved within you it allows you to endure when you're going through trials it is long-suffering it is patient it is kind you know it keeps no record of wrong and so what I'm suggesting is we need to have a perfect balance and blend with all of these three types of love in our relationship so it protects the relationship from the vulnerability of an affair so to go back to the original question do you love him do you love her if you're tied up in an affair relationship the answer generally speaking is no there is not a love but more of a feeling and an infatuation and I think a lot of times a lot of people think they're in love with airfare partner they think they finally found their soul mate but they realize you know what if I enter into a real relationship with this person this person may not be the most ideal for me that is why this person represents what we call the dangerous partner profile now we don't have time to talk about that tonight we'll do that in another session but there is a dangerous partner profile that make this person unfit to be partnered with and that is why oftentimes when we enter into a fair relationship most of us never think of making a life partner out of this particular relationship because they don't qualify the person that were in a relationship with qualifies for the partnership but there's something that we feel is lacking and we go out to get what we're not getting you know within the realm of our own relationship and so if we truly understand that this is a fictitious love it's a love based upon deceit it's a love based upon a fantasy that never manifest into reality and if we think about the consequences of our actions it should pull us back into taking the time to redevelop the in love feeling that we can have that we once had listen just being transparent there's an seasons even in my marriage with Danielle or we were in love and then fell out of love because that speaks to the seasons of life and what came naturally in the beginning of the relationship you have to now become intentional to do the same thing so what we naturally do giving gifts to one another loving one another spending quality time having recreational companionship meeting each other's emotional needs that came easy in the beginning because we both had a desire to please one another individuals one another for when you are go through a storm when your partner gets on your nerves when you can't stand them anymore when you just want to call the quick when you rather be alone when you rather do life on your own and now you have to rebuild because there is an aftermath after the storm because when the storm comes in the winds blow and it doesn't knock the house out and you still have that structure that you now have to patch up and tweak and repair this is where the recovery begins and so it becomes more challenging the more difficult to do what came natural but if you want to get back to that in love feeling because if I'm truly in love with you I don't desire to be with anyone else because I have everything but in my relationships that I need to sustain myself so number one we must recognize that every single relationship needs a blend of all three the eros love the filet o love and the agape love so the in love feeling the caring love that we should have for one another to do our best to kind of please and to accommodate our partner but then that sustainable love that we have because the love of God lives within us now you can't truly love somebody unless you truly love yourself you can't know you you can't love yourself unless you truly know yourself and you certainly can't know yourself unless you know the God that exists within you so all those back to having a direct vertical relationship with the Father and when we have that relationship with the father it is a template in a floorplan in a model of how we need to have a horizontal relationship with our partner but also we have to look at the internal relationship because if I learn how to love me if I learn how to value me then I know how to receive love from someone else and because I value myself there's certain things that I'm not going to allow within my relationship and I'm going to discuss with my partner how I need to be loved now we talked about this in the five love languages how oftentimes we're loving our partners the way that we want to be loved but the way that we need to be loved is different than the way our partner needs to be loved so it's important to learn and to rediscover what your partner needs in meeting their emotional needs and communicating in their love language so the in love feeling is ultimately there so I just wanted to do a quick video with you I got to go back to my private magic marriage and tencel's that I'm doing over the next few days that is really powerful we're seeing great breakthrough but I wanted to give you that to think about so if you are the her partner and you're struggling in your mind about this whole notion that your partner fell out of love with you and is in love with another person which now causes you to constantly compare yourself what does she have that I don't what does he do that I don't I want to free you of that mental torture to let you know that it's not really love and whatever is missing in your relationship you can regain it back but it requires that you're willing to do the work so I highly encourage you get the help that you need because doing it on your own not be enough you may not have the knowledge you may not have the skill you may not have the wherewithal to be able to do it on you know your own so seek somebody who is an expert in the things that you need to restore your particular relationship listen if you guys need help I can encourage you to go to couples Academy org we do provide one-on-one sessions for couples that need that assistance get the book The Audacity of marriage that's a great first step for those who can afford counseling it will give you the blueprint the floor plan and everything you need to have a sustainable marriage that grows and continue to tune in if you have any questions inbox me we are hear from you we would love to hear from you excuse me we're experiencing major breakthrough with many couples as they just tuned in on a weekly basis also less than at least if you're not a part of our group the audacity of marriage I encourage you to search out the group on Facebook it will truly be a blessing to you there's so much that we do within that group and I don't want you to miss out on it stay tuned click notification so you can see what we're doing in that group I need you to subscribe to this video and please I know that you're benefiting from this video but if you can share it I encourage all of you that are watching me right now click the share button share it on your wall share it on a friends wall because somebody is going through something and they just need this quick word that will make the difference for them so I love you all I appreciate you all and I will see you next week take care

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 20,004

Rating: 4.9236641 out of 5

Keywords: marriage help, realtionship guide, relationship expert, couples academy, hasani pettiford, danielle pettiford, hasani, pettiford, couples, academy, infidelity, sex, marriage, relationship, love, advice, romance, romantic, cheating, affairs, counseling, infidelity specialist, mend the marriage, dating, marriage 101, recover, rebuild, betrayal, emotional affair, trust, survive, problems, danielle, infidelity recovery specialist, divorce prevent, marriage coach, how to save, affair love, authentic love

Id: fzbMSeGr9rw

Length: 14min 33sec (873 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 19 2017