What's The Smartest Thing You've Seen Someone Do? (1 Hour Compilation)

police officers overheard it who's the smartest criminal you've ever encountered I worked with this one guy who had a lengthy record he had a system for getting released if he got caught after committing a crime if the police were in pursuit and he knew he was about to be cornered he would act insane his girl would play along with it telling the police and he was off his medication the police would arrest him but then send him to a mental ward with papers instructing the ward to release to police once he was cleared once he was in the mental ward he would cause a distraction that would make the person attending the desk with the file cabinet to leave said cabinet he would then crawl to the file cabinet look for his release to police papers and then would literally eat the papers when the psych evaluators decided that he was stable enough to be released there would be no instructions to send him to the police and he would be released to the general public he did this about 10 times until police officers noticed him back on the streets this stunt forced the states to change their procedure for attaining mentally unstable suspects my favorite was the guy who stole a post-office mailbox off the street repainted it and then put it next to the night deposit box at a bank and hung an out of order sign on the deposit box all the businesses came along and dropped off their deposits in the mailbox a guy I went to high school had been stealing from Walmart in a pretty clever way he would grab video games mp3 players beer etc and throw them away in a trash can in the garden section the workers never checked the trash contents and he would just wait sometimes five hours until they entered the trash in the back dumpster and hop in to get his items once he took a cardboard box from a displaying side filled it with video games a ps3 and extra controllers he grabbed some tape and pens and drew all over the box and taped it up to make it look used and tossed it an hour later he had a whole new ps3 and stack of games I'm not a cop that I worked crime scene this guy had attached GPS to the bottom of people's cars who owned houses he wanted to rob he did it to ensure they wouldn't be showing up while he was ransacking the place I heard about one person that pulled the shoplifting scam on a large popular and well-known US retail store they walked in with some cheap nylon product to get one of those I walked in with a stick as they used to put on returning merchandise the sticker easily build off the product undamaged they walk to the electronics department grabbed an expensive box off the shelf and went to customer service they placed the sticker on the big box and asked if they could return the item without a receipt unfortunately no not without the original receipt dang it and they walk out customer service even gave the doorman the thumbs up having just interacted with the customer this took place before widespread inventory controls and cameras absolutely everywhere I feel like I would remember what I hadn't had and recently put a sticker on but perhaps I wouldn't be getting paid enough to worry too much about it I remember an officer telling me about a B&E alarm he and his team responded to no one was there to report the alarm it must have been a security monitoring company that called when police showed up everything seemed normal most lights were off and there was an employee still working explained he was there working late and must have set off an alarm they almost believed him until he said euhh before saying the name of the company he worked for after that it was downhill but with a little more research he would have pretty much gotten away with it I don't care how long I've been working for a company I'd probably still say with my dumb boss too I'll be sure not to loiter around any crime scenes now there's one guy I recently dealt with who is on parole I stopped him in my city after he was looking to buy drugs usually people come from all over to buy drugs and then leave I shoe him a warning and let him go as it's pretty common and he sang like a bird regarding the people he was trying to buy from anyway the next day I got a call from his parole officer who says he was alerted the guy was pulled over and wanted to verify that it was his guy that I stopped I'm a little confused at first but he goes on to say that the day before he was scheduled to meet with him but he had an excuse and bailed his excuse was that he was in the hospital well when he spoke with him the following day he was able to provide documentation that he had entered the hospital day 1 and had left day two well i had stopped him at 115 in the morning and after looking at the picture it was 100% him turns out the guy had checked and then out of the hospital on j-1 then in and out again on day 2 he then rearranged half the paperwork to make it look like he was in the hospital overnight which would make my car stop of him appear like I mixed him up with someone else as well as give him a valid excuse to miss their meeting not sure what's going to happen to that guy but I thought it was pretty clever this was in the late 90s early zeroes a guy in my dorm came to school solely to deal drugs he took out student loans registered for a bunch of 300-person freshmen survey courses where he would never be missed then literally never went to class all he did was go to raves and concerts and keggers and sell party drugs after the first semester he was suspended he wrote the usual I was young and dumb and in over my head sob story and got put on probation for a semester so he had a repeat of the fall at the end of the year he was kicked out and didn't care he made something on the order of 150 dollars K in return for about $8 K in student loans to cover a year of housing and tuition so far as I know he was never caught it may have been a short-sighted maneuver in the long run but in the short run it seemed fairly genius to effectively use federal loans to start your drug business working in a home improvement store when younger this guy came in went to the snowblowers took one and went to the return desk said he wanted to return it but had no receipt they told him you need a receipt so he says ok I'll be back and wheels it off to car through the front door he did this a few times apparently couple places even helped him load it back into his car most of them are really stupid so this guy isn't a criminal mastermind but he goes he wanted to rob a jewelers on our city's Main Street so he found out the flat beside the jewelers was empty and he hid there for two weeks he triggered the alarm on purpose several times a night massive headache for the police and the business we turned up to see nothing there nothing on cameras thought it was just a fluke so the jewelers turned off the alarm system and said they'd wait until the morning to get a new one installed or that one ray wired because something wasn't right as soon as he heard that in the police leaving he tore down the wall had already been working on this apparently and robbed the place taking his sweet time escaped without anyone noticing anything for hours until the jewelers came back in the morning then he tried to resell something he stole which had a serial number on it in got court so not that smart after all good effort though he did all the hard work pretty well there's a Golf Course Country Club in my town that has a PGA tournament scheduled in the next couple years if they have a guy repeatedly breaking in overnight and just lounging around and eating food all on camera the club refuses to report it so they don't hurt their chances of the tournament coming like some kind of movie comedy plot chaotic neutral worked at a jail after getting off work I watched an ex-inmate homeless being released he walked over to a patrol car looked me in the eye and the elbowed the window in but he was walked back to the entrance and rebooked in it was middle of January he didn't want to get too cold not only does he stay warm through the winter he is also provided with three hot meals and a bed I would do the same if I found myself homeless and jobless a French thief who spent 10 years in prison became a comedian when he got out one of his stories finds a building gozen chooses a floor and transforms the exit door into an extra apartment puts the apartment number fake lock welcome rug etc puts an iPhone for sale the person comes to buy it he opens the door in a shower robe and says give me one second I am just gonna count the money and poof he's gone from the exit stairs this seems like exactly the kind of crime a comedian would commit a friend of my brother moved to Israel where for a period of time it was is acceptable to drive with an American driver's license he was pulled over for speeding and when asked for his license gave the officer his Costco card Costco is a membership based retail warehouse in the US and a few other countries the exchange apparently went something like this Officer Costco what is Costco friend it's the state time from officer that sounds made-up friend there are lots of states you probably haven't heard of have you heard of Arkansas how about Idaho officer I guess not friend well I'm from the small state out Costco the officer didn't have a response and wound up writing the ticket to someone with a Costco driver's license friend framed the ticket and still has it hanging on his wall one guy would print barcodes bring them in to Home Depot and stick them on merchandise in the $100 range when scanned the items came up around the ten dollar range hurting random barcodes on things isin't really illegal and super hard to notice guy too would come in an hour later and by the underpriced stuff complete possible deniability they would then sell the stuff on ebay only reason they got caught is because the guy with the barcode printer software cussed the second guy out of the operation so guide to stole a bunch of barcodes put them on the merchandise and paid for it immediately afterwards he then proceeded to rat on the first guy and spilled the beans they had been doing this on a weekly basis for over four years because we could only pin the one case on him the burglary was dropped down to a pretty theft and he walked away with a few days in county and a small fine dude probably took home that but for tens of thousands over the years probably someone who committed a crime I never solved with that being said I had a guy use a sledgehammer to smash his way through a wall at a Best Buy and steal a bunch of phones and cameras he was smart enough to wear gloves and a face mask and not touch anything he didn't have to alarms didn't go off until he exited out the back door which the alarm company gets after a minute or two and takes then like three stroke four minutes to call in to us giving him a good 5 minute halves so he was probably a few miles away before we got dispatched to it he clearly scoped out the area before doing his deed too smart dude I just keep thinking about sledge from Rainbow six siege not a police officer but was in Rawdon college my university owned all the houses adjacent to campus these were ran like dorms with rosin the same rules which included a very strict no alcohol policy it was a privilege to live in the houses and priority was given to upperclassmen who were more likely to bend that rule because they were of age and it was harder to police off campus in houses there was a student who went around knocking on doors saying something like I'm Andrew and housing director's name sent me for health and wellness checks she'd find there booze take it and follow up with how she's doing them a favor by just giving them a warning she wasn't actually in roarin was just keeping the booze for herself the only reason she got found out was because she did it to an actual raw the raw was male they kept men and women housing separate and just assumed he didn't know her because of that it was only later he questioned why they had a female doing wellness checks on male housing they did an investigation and asked other residents incidents dated back previous two years never found out who it was yaris aren't actually allowed to go through our room they come in see no fire hazards they aren't even allowed to open the fridge or any boxes or anything as long as it isn't out in the open were good here's one I knew this guy back in the early 80s let's call him Jim well he really wanted this high-powered super bike but he knew he couldn't ever afford it so what he did was to take drive to London and scouted about for a few days until he found that particular model parked outside a house he goes back that night with a sled Ohama pulls the lock and steals the bike he gets at home puts it in his garage and completely strips it so that the only thing left is the frame and the bottom half of the engine which he drags into the weeds at the bottom of his garden then he pours fuel over it and burns in a bit a few weeks pass and weeds have started growing over it it's at that point he calls the cops and reports that someone had done - bike frame in his garden the cops show up and he explains that he just got back from being away and found it the cops take the frame and note down hi name and address a few days later the cops call him and say that the bike had been stolen from London a month or so ago from the serial number on the bottom half of the engine and frame and that the insurance company had class the bikers are right off and had told the cops to dispose of it now because the frame was found in his garden and the insurance company didn't want it the cops were duty-bound to ask him if he wanted to keep it or if they should throw it so he tells them that he'd always wanted to build a bike he gets the fame back from them repaints it then puts it all back together and we registered it as a key reg stolen and recovered I forgot to call him Jim didn't I I always laugh when somebody names a character and then proceeds to never use the name nice catch same thing as the computer rooms guys would cut the power to electrical stations damaged the wiring then hide waiting for the cops to show up once the owners of the buildings came they would shut off the power because of the unsafe wiring that would have to be repaired in the morning everyone would leave for the night then then would cut away all the non powered wiring to get the copper not a policeman here but I have a nice story from insurance debt collectors there was this guy who was already in heaps of debt like more than a lifetime's worth of debt he proceeded to file several policy reports for identity theft up to the point that he got protected from financial checkups it was a temporary measure that were given to repeated identity theft victims at the same time he had reported fake income to the IRS for the last couple of years to between 40 to 60 millions depending on the air so when he applied for credit cards and loans they were unable to check his financial credit due to the identity theft protection but they checked his tax returns which showed he had a massive income got his loans and credit cards emptied them out and left the country that's a good way to finance emigrating out of a third world country I used to run bars at a number of venues around the north of England one of which was Chester Racecourse usually we just have to keep an eye out for scousers trying to Nick drinks or sneakin without paying and with it being so close to Liverpool there was a fair amount of security on-site you could tell them as they'd be suited booted a high this waste goes on unusually carrying a radio now there were a dozen or so bars dotted around the course and you can imagine the amount of money that was taken from a hundred thousand or so punters drinking steadily from 11:00 until 8:00 or 9:00 in the evening so every hour or so the security would go round the bars in turn and take all the high denomination notes from each till and stick them in the safe in the main building so I'm stood there one day pulling pints doing the barman thing the security blokes have been round a few times and it's getting steadily busier then one bloke shows up on his own hi this on and radio in his hand does it till leaving the usual receipt so we can balance up at the end of the meeting bitterly I think bill hey ho I've got plenty to do then ten minutes or so later two more blokes show up dress the same o your mates just been here I said no need to touch that just yet what mate we're the only two doing this Duty today cue a rapid fire and increasingly panicked exchange over the radio matey boy who done the till before used to work there apparently so he knew the drill and he'd been watching the guards and knew just went to time it and what order they were going round the buzzin apparently he got around nine or ten before he decided not to push his luck any further and walked away with about 80 grand we heard later just took off the high this dumped that and the radio and he's just one more guy in a suit in a crowd of thousands they were a bit stricter on the procedure after that : there's a small tourist town where I grew up that is divided in half by a big river the only way between the two sides is over a long bridge unless you go all the way around another mountain pass these guys called in like 2-3 bomb threats to a posh hotel on one side of the bridge I think they even left some dummy packages all the police went across the bridge to do crowd control et Cie etc the guys then called in a bomb threat on the bridge started robbing stuff on the other side the police couldn't be positive the bomb threat was real or not and hesitated long enough to give the thieves a head start if it was my town I'd put police stations on both sides but that would probably cost more money than they have not a cop we got called for a roll oh the car accident we get there in the car is empty so we think he got rejected My partner and I start looking for a body nearby a few minutes later a cop tells us that they think the driver is a mile down the road walking we'd go check on him and he tells us he's fine but he wasn't driving the car he also didn't know who was driving the car and he had clearly been drinking during the ride to the air he told me that as long as the cops don't find you and in the car the local do won't pursue drunk driving charges all you had to do was get out of the car and walk away from it a couple of my friends from high school they were brothers stocked shelves worked in the back during the night right around when the ps4 was released they mostly emptied a big bag of dog food and stuck two or three Playstations in there we sealed it and waited a few days to buy that bag from the back kama learns about smartest criminals kama becomes smartest criminal himself the smartest criminals are the ones the cops don't know about married men offered it what was that done thing you did during your dating phase that you can't believe your wife ended up overlooking I get very nervous around women that are into me and especially when I know she's watching me do something even something trivial on an early date we went to the local shop to pick up some things for a picnic including some gum I was thinking really hard and aware that I was being watched I had this money on the counter gum in your mouth money on the counter gum in your mouth easy suffice to say when I put the gum on the counter and the two euro coin in my mouth the cashier was baffled and my girlfriend now wife was crying with laughter turned her down when she suggested we go on a date Reba's I'm super awkward I was working for Starbucks she was a regular customer I was new in town and noticed her a couple times she was a regular customer and we got to some small talk chatting about places to eat but she said there's an amazing taco place down the road we should go sometime I misheard her thinking she said you should go sometime I replied with I'll definitely check it out I handed her a drink and she left very awkwardly she was back in the next day and against all odds I was able to clear up the misunderstanding and I wrote my number on her Starbucks cup we went to that taco place for our first date and she was right it was amazing three years married and two kids later really glad she saw through my awkwardness I forgot her name once when introducing her to a friend this was maybe a month into our relationship I was all alike hey and by the way this is my girlfriend I have a DeeDee and every now and then my brain pulls a stunt like this my mom was the same as kids we'd get called by the name of one of our dogs now and then I thought it was hilarious my sister not so much not my story but my parents some backstory my dad has a brother who's only a couple years older growing up they'd commonly try to steal food off each others plates just to be buttholes to each other this was remedied by plate guarding and defensive maneuvers with utensils if hands got too close on my parents first date my mom reached for something to try off my dad's plate and he instinctively stabbed her hand with his fork drew blood and everything he was obviously mortified glad my mom was crazy enough to keep dating marry and procreate with a fork stabber on our second date I arrived 1h late when I went to greet her with a little hug yep that's how we greet people around here I accidentally knocked her phone off her hand it hit the ground and cracked the screen but I wasn't sure if it was already cracked I apologized she said it was okay in that the screen was already like that before almost a year later she confessed that I actually broke her phone that day she had just gotten it from for her mum all phones she ever had was secondhand very simple ones and she couldn't afford a new one at the time but still she lied and kept using the broken phone so I wouldn't feel bad my heart sank we've been married for two years now and I've given her a brand new flagship phone every year ever since true consumerist love sent from my iphone 11 wife was a devout animal lover and activist planned proposal at a fancy tokyo restaurant that only takes three tables at night and has 11 courses which was filled with all sorts of innovative things so you're never quite sure what's coming next in between one of the courses the chef brings out a cute little glass bowl for us to play with some squid the chef informs us these are Firefly squid that's local to the Bay my wife is delighted and practically named them two courses later they reappeared as entrees floating on a glass plate lit up from below and arranged to look like they're swimming she still said yes but have never let me forgot that I took her on literally the worst dining experience she had and I had paid the most ever for played weird al' CDs non-stop for a six hour car trip to the beach she didn't ditch me but haven't been allowed to play we're down in her presence for the past twenty four years got tickets to see him this year on our anniversary and knew better than to ask her to join me so I took a couple of my kids that appreciate the finer things in life best anniversary gift ever great show soon-to-be wife's here when we first met it was during an introduction class or something like that he kept kissing the teachers bus and talking were are I too much and just being kind of a show-off I wanted to punch him in the face come to find out he's in almost all my classes and for lunch a couple of girls and I decided to go to McDonald's he invited himself I was annoyed two months into our relationship he confessed that he saw me and was intrigued and wanted to get to know me so he did everything to get my attention he's an extrovert I'm an introvert I'm surprised he managed to actually get my attention we've been together for 10 years getting married on the 23rd of September on my first date with my wife we got to talking about tattoos I have a rule that if I have an idea for it to to I sit on it for a while to see if I really would still want it I mentioned this to her and explained how glad I am that I do this because otherwise I'd be covered in tulle the banned tattoos or some other dumb crap she rolled up her sleeve to show me that she had the lyrics to one of their songs tattooed across her arm well you did tell her you liked the band and wanted to talk to them on your body at some point that's way better than having to show your tool lirik tattoo to someone who doesn't even know the band five years ago after dating for two weeks I accepted a job offer on another continent I told her we didn't know each other well enough for me to pass up an opportunity like that and if it was meant to be it would work itself out well it was meant to be and we got married this spring we had a couple great dates and things were looking promising then I got super busy at work and didn't contact her for about three and a half weeks without giving her a heads-up she decided to move during this time after things calm down at work I text her again we worked things long-distance and finally got married she reminds me that I didn't ask her out again for a very long time every few months my husband kept calling me by the name of his previous girlfriend on our first date I finally told him to give her a call because they clearly had unfinished business to talk about he did and she reminded him why he was happy to have her out of his life and he never called me by her name again forty years later and it seems to have worked out in my favor nicely handled my husband broke my thumb one night when we were slightly tipsy horseplay got too rough and I think drunk memory he slammed my hand against something we both heard the pop and I went to tears holy crap that must have been one heck of an awkward night not the married man but on probably our third or fourth date my man mixed our soups I got a watermelon gazpacho a cold soup and he got a seafood bisque I am a sharer sir we both tasted and didn't love mine but we loved this after the tasting he boldly ignorant Estates miners so great I got this while pouring our two soups into one it was the worst lukewarm thing I've ever tasted five years later and we've never mixed soups again too risky this would make me believe my date was some sort of psychopath there's no reason that even - but soups of similar theme should be mixed it defeats the entire frickin purpose of ordering a specific soup accidentally set her hair on fire with a match while lighting a cigarette not good we are still married 29 years later I don't smoke anymore reminds me of the story my grandpa told me on his first date with my grandma he wanted to see exactly how flammable hairspray was she wears a lot and he held up a match near her hair she had a bit of hair missing for a while I wouldn't have been out 100% his dumb boss antics have drastically declined oh not me but my first door neighbor's story I didn't know their story until one day another friend told me what happened and she confirmed it she was at a party and caught him looking at her every now and then she kinda liked him so she decided to make the first move she took a few shots for courage and went in as time passed by she continued to drink while talking to him and got pee drunk like not being able to walk drunk he was a type of guy that didn't drink that much at all and presume she can drink a lot but when she stood up from couch after a few hours the alcohol swept her to the ground so as a gentleman he offered to carry her home no that was when we were late teens no car no money so he started piggyback her home that was like 30 - 45 mins walk like normal sober walk he managed to carry her on his back about 500 meters from her home and stoped to take a break for a moment his back hurt him AF so he decided to carry her in his arms a few steps away and he notices very unpleasant smell since he isin't for now parts and he was rural area he asked barely conscious how what is that fricking stink she just mumbled I shat my pants then proceeded to pass out in his arms only coming back to mumble Frick sorry and passing out again so what guy does he brings her home and lies her on floor since he was afraid of messing up her bed or couch and left home but few moments after he comes back wakes her up and asks would she mind if he helped her shower since she can't sleep 8 HL shut up mostly because it's not hygienic safe and her whole house and everything would smell she agreed and after he bathed her she asked him to sleep in her bed in case she needed him so one time I asked guy how the Frick did he got over that he said they clicked at the first glance and he just felt that he needs to take care of her because he took responsibility to bring her home alright and if she said no to bathing he would back off he'll then world be with her cuz crapping yourself while they're drunk is still understandable but sleeping whole day like that would be too nasty he laid besides her until she fell asleep and then watched TV until she woke up they were inseparable since then since that first date I have never seen them apart it's been almost 15 years since then and just recently they got beautiful little daughter so many stories of relationships that start this way it's almost as if the poo in their pants becomes fertilizer for their growing love but gross yet beautiful we drank a lot on our second date you bird home next day went back to get his car and it wasn't there he was so devastated he just bought it recently and it was stolen we filed a police report took forever and just generally sucked we walked to his friend's house nearby and there was his car perfectly unstow ylim he drank so much he forgot he moved it before our date now once in a while when we're trying to find our car in the grocery store parking lot or wherever one of us will say it's stolen call the police I was sitting on the couch as we were playing Wii bowling she was standing behind the couch lovingly holding me I draw back the Wiimote and Wham I whack her in the face with the Wiimote at full strength her mom was also in the room soon as I saw playing Wii I knew I didn't really do it but I thought he would be weirded out anyways very first time he stayed at my house after about three hours of my two male roommates trying to make him uncomfortable we went to bed and he put his contacts in two shot glasses of water because he had no case with him I don't know if that's a dumb thing to do I've never worn them maybe we were drinking and that seemed like a good idea anyways he had never had a patent was kind of weirded out by my cat standing beside him and yell meowing at him all night is that normal is he mad at me or something woke up the next day to find out the cap drank all the water from the shot glasses contacts included ty had to help him home because he is seriously blind without them he still wanted to see me again even though the night was weird and the cat became his best friend despite some initial skepticism on both their parts comma he's seriously blind without them , he wanted to see me again nice insisted that everything in San Francisco was walking distance from everything else and decided we should walk from pier 39 to Golden Gate Park it is walkable but not third-date walkable or whatever shoes she happened to be wearing that day walkable as someone unfamiliar with San Francisco I googled it six point five miles apart a 2-hour walk according to Google and by the looks of it a crap ton of Hills Google is giving me a warning I've never seen before that walking directions may not reflect real-world conditions and it looks like the elevation changes back and forth a couple hundred feet more than once my uncle didn't call his now-wife for over a year after they first met and he got her number he kept the paper she wrote it on and ended up finding it and calling her asking if she still remembered him and was still interested in going on a date so what you're saying is there's always a chance why fear about three weeks into dating my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and spin me around in his driveway unfortunately it was not his most brilliant idea and he tripped and we fell right onto the concrete next to my car reader he landed on top of me you cushioned his fall how sweet of you I can tell you for him we were leaving his new apartment keep in mind we've been dating for a short amount of time we haven't been through a lot of firsts yet his apartments was on the back of the building so we had to walk through a small passage to get to the other side in order to leave imagine this passage is slightly shadow but the light shoots through it so it creates this romantic silhouette as we left his apartment and walked into this passage area he grabs my hand and pulls me towards himself I'm thinking all he is going to put my hand around his waist how romantic locks my hand on his butt and loudly farts it was a very brave move for a new couple would be married for 13 years now given the amount of fart related stories I'm beginning to suspect that flatulence is actually a human mating call wife here it's about three weeks into dating my husband invited me to a house party at his best friend's place we were playing beer pong having fun the other team is up they toss the ball I leaned forward to try to block it my now husband extends his hand out in front of me at the same time catching the ball but at the same time hitting me in the eye and somehow pulling out three strokes four of my eyelashes he felt terrible about it and tried to burn off his eyelashes and drunken sympathy he hates when I bring it up but I think it is the funniest story she was about to sneeze and she was sitting half on my lap so I kind of thought she was gonna sneeze on me and ivk what I was thinking but I put my hand up to block her sneeze except I had a glass in my hand and I blocked her own hand from covering her sneeze and instead she slammed her face into my glass but married six years now she still has all her teeth I made myself a burger for dinner before heading over to her place to hang out unfortunately I'm not the best cook and left a little too much pink in that burger while we were at her house I bet her I could fit through the doggie door and crawled right through then she immediately closed hid behind me and we raced to the front door she won and she locked it now this exact moment my bowels decided they had enough fog that burger from earlier and I felt my stomach cramp luckily I held it all in and ran back to the back door with my cheeks clenched and starting knocking desperately in the door she was laughing at first but when she saw my face goes suddenly serious and I said very calmly I need you to open the door now please she unlocked the door and asked if I was okay I told her to stay downstairs and turn the tv up loud she agreed but was very confused so I ran upstairs and then had one of the most violent shoots of my whole life I thought the worst was behind me until I went to wipe and of course no TP so she took my instructions really well and when I yelled to her texted her and called her I got no answer after probably like 10 missed calls she finally answered and I asked her to bring me some TP and leave outside the door and try not to breathe on the way upstairs she was great about it and immediately started making fun of me when I came back downstairs now quite a few years later a couple kids and cat she's still making fun of me man I was so expecting this story to end with you getting stuck in the doggie door and crapping your pants we were taking a shower together and she was soaping up while I was under the hot water rinsing off and she slipped and instead of grabbing helping her I pulled away thinking for some reason that I had already rinsed off and didn't want to get soapy thank God she caught herself on the shower curtain and didn't get hurt she was not happy my explanation of my faulty thinking didn't help at all either we laugh about it now but it took some serious smoothing over at the time oh yay it's not like you are in the shower and can't just rinse again I know what my husband would say because I still tease him to this day we had been dating for two weeks and was spooning on his futon watching a movie out of nowhere he says I'm really sorry I can't hold it in anymore and rips a huge fart my husband was a very clean tight-knit prudish kind of guy so I couldn't help but let out the biggest laugh while he turned about as red as his beard little late to the party but here's my story when we had only been dating a month or so my then boyfriend went to pick me up I assume and accidentally threw my head through the ceiling and gave me a concussion he's six feet eight inches and just really misjudged the distance I also had a hard time getting used to his height and very regularly kneed him in the balls for about two years while cuddling so I think we're even we've been together six years now and proud to say we haven't injured each other in about for my first gf did that almost every time we cuddled - but she was a sweetheart so it was alright I had just started a job working with her and unbeknownst to me at a time her mom her mom and I did not get along my move was what's up with that thick B insert name she said oh I'll tell my mom you said hi I was dead but hey here's we are married 16 years so it wasn't until after we were married that my wife told me that I almost didn't get a second date because I talked while ride too much during the movie I don't really remember it but apparently I was leaning over every 30 seconds or so to tell her what I was thinking also Valkyrie with Tom Cruise probably wasn't that great of a date movie but it all worked out in the end ETA please forgive me my movie talking sins everybody I was a dumb teenager and she's really pretty I was just quite anxious for things to go well first date with my wife end of the night I went to kiss her on the cheek being all sweet and crap she thought I was leaning in for a hug and leaned into as she leaned in I turned my head and instead of her cheek I kissed her neck turned super red and embarrassed and goodbye and almost pushed her out of the door at my apartment by immediately texted her we as well and she laughed three years into marriage she apparently didn't care on our first dinner date my husband ordered a crap ton of food to show me his favorites at an Indian restaurant and forgot his wallet at home and only discovered doing so when the check had arrived cleared me out well over a hundred bucks and he was absolutely mortified but we've been married for near two years so my card got declined on the first lunch date we went on the bill was less than $20 I was freakin mortified fifteen years married now when we were dating my husband and I were holding hands when he had to cough instead of letting go of my hand and covering his mouth he continued to hold on brought it up to his mouth and coughed into my hand it was a dry cough if it was anything more I would have run my girlfriend did this to me and is still horrified whenever I catch her about to do it again I didn't ask her for her number the first time we hung out knowing I may never see her again my brother got it and I later got it from him she had an xbox and staying the night she woke up to me playing some arcade a hockey game and providing commentary of Google gold gold gol small goalie I tailed my then-boyfriend at the time that how I wanted to have sex for the first time and he made me wait until his Magic the Gathering tournament was over I decided to not shave for a few months since I was going to be serving in the jungles of Ecuador and wanted to be a wild man as it turns out a thick blonde neck that isn't very attractive we met our first day of high school so there are many my least her family's favorite is when I left her messages this was before cell phones and her parents owned a business they set their voicemail in a business manner in that you dial one for father two for mother and so on I found out later it was practice for their office line and that this line went to the same recording or no matter what I left so many messages of call me ramblings they were on vacation her her four siblings and her parents listened to it all on speaker in a then we kept it secret for years until we didn't it's never stopped I got fairly intoxicated and decided to tie a towel around my shoulders while completely naked and run in front of her on FaceTime screaming look at my dangle yes but she does remember you when I kneeled to propose I landed on a sharp rock and we had to go to the because it lodged in my kneecap everything just really everything our first kiss is the one that sticks out in my mind we kissed and right as we kiss some air moves in my throat sounded like a burp but it wasn't it seemed like I burped right into her mouth and I was mortified she now knows it wasn't a bird bits at a time not so much I'm such a lucky fool and had some big blunders early while learning Who I am and who she is I'm lucky someone so wonderful surpassed the stupid young person I was I hacked those esophagus gurgles my wife and I get them I get gas gurgles like that - sounds like a fart but it's just my stomach moving around transitioning from that uncomfortable to the comfortable phase I was sitting across the room while she did homework I farted pretty loudly and she looked me in the eyes and fired back luckily I had another in the chamber and asserted my dominance to my surprise which she matched for a second time but even louder having this all happen in a span of 2 seconds and thinking it was pretty funny I tried to top her by forcing one more out to reign supreme well let's just say it wasn't a fart I forced out one of her favorite stories to tell close friends and family we've been married for going on four years though so I'll guess it all worked out for me TLDR crap yourself in front of potential mates if you want to get married no guts no glory find the wife probably a year into us dating we fought about something neither office can remember now to make up for it he went and bought us both dessert which was a sweet gesture of course he went and did it right after dinner so I was still full and said I would shower and eat it when I finished my shower well when I was in the shower he decided for some godforsaken reason to eat that as he bought for me after eating his own serving of it everyone who has heard the story is very surprised our relationship lasted after that night I did bring it up in my vows as an example of how I'll love him even when it's not the easiest thing to do he when we were first dating my husband had a massive night out drinking I was trialing some antidepressant medication and wizard Bala vans aiya tea barely slept all night I woke up to texts from him saying he had grabbed some bacon and egg rolls for breakfast but was locked out I got up and found him passed out in my doorway and he'd eaten both roles sucker I once spear tackled my then girlfriend out of misplaced enthusiasm in high school I was excited to see her and handled it as badly as was possible it was in front of a bunch of our friends and I ended up knocking the wind out of her and making her cry that was about 17 years ago and we're still together I also licked my plate at a fancy restaurant because the salad dressing was so good she still brings that one up every few years edit my most upvoted comment ever is me recounting my most shameful relationships fails the internet is weird plate liquors unite so basically your man papi the night I made my husband he stared at me while I was sleeping for four hours straight it's been three years he still stares at me until I scold him for it then he waits until he thinks I won't notice and start staring again I love him to the moon and back even though he'd sure as heck stare at me the entire trip my GF does this all the time although flattering it's still pretty creepy to wake up to pet owners of Reddit what was the most intelligent thing your pet is done when I was a kid we had two dogs a perennial Shepherd and a Labrador Retriever the retriever was a goofy idiot but the Shepherd was smart one day the retriever gets loose we had to tie him up in the yard because he kept chasing things and running away and the Shepherd runs after him we never even realized what had happened until we saw the Shepherd coming back with the retriever holding the would-be runaway his leash in his mouth and leading him back to house must have been a weird sight for the neighbors when your dog is smart enough to take your other dog for a walk I used to have a border collie German Shepherd mix name - we had a 6-foot chain link fence with about an acre sized backyard for him to roam freely but one day we couldn't find him and an hour later he was back in the yard as his escapes happened more often I decided to watch him from the window he would stick his front paws in the fence pull himself up so his lower legs went in the fence then put his front paws on top of the fence and climb over it like a goddamn human he could do it from the other side as well and never hurt himself doing it I was so impressed I wasn't even mad at him when he continued doing it for the remainder of his life he was the smartest animal I ever had I had a genius ferret all of my ferrets were smarter than you might expect but Nia was ridiculous I have tons of stories but here's my favorite my roommates and I used to hang out in a TV room that had doorway with no door entranceway since I wanted the ferret to be able to run around while we were there I put a baby gate across the exit it took her 10 seconds to climb it of course I then wrapped the gate in carpet runner so she couldn't scale it she tried for a long time but could find anything to get a grip on three of us are all kind of marveling at her commitment she stops trying to climb and just freezes for a minute horizon around the room like she's concocting a scheme and then she starts eyeballing a shoe box on the other side of the room eyes up on the gate back to the box back to the gate my buddy says no freakin way you think she's figured it out she walks over to the box and starts sliding it across the floor stopping every foot or so and checking her progress finally get to the gate hops on the box and jumps up and grabs the top of the gate whoop she's up and over and dancing down the hallway I have one ferret whose intelligence honestly scares me and one ferret who pretty much only has elevator music running through his head at all times at such strange wonderful creatures we used to have this dog when I was younger she learned how to open our fridge and she would eat almost everything in it it got so bad that my mom had to buy a childproof lock for our fridge she ran a daycare so it was always funny when parents asked about it and she had to explain it was for our dog and not the daycare kids we just had to do this because of our Great Dane the first time he did it he managed to eat an entire turkey leg and sixteen hotdogs that was a fun vet visit a couple years ago my grandmother who doesn't walk very well anymore fell while walking in the living room they have a plot of land so it's pretty big and a couple of my family members live there but at that time nobody was home when our dog found out my grandmother fell he ran all around to look for another person when he didn't find anyone he laid down and sat with her until she found the strength to stand up again she told the whole family and I think we were all a little more thankful he was there for her that day cat would not let me go to sleep and insisted I follow her to the kitchen we had just gotten a new stove with a glass cooktop and didn't realize one of the burners was still on very low but thanks Kitty my cat is a freakin sadist she has learned my work school schedule and if I'm not getting up in the morning she will step on the button of my C PAP machine causing me to choke and wake up if I have a panic attack she miele's until I picked her up and pet her until I calmed down quite the alarm clock heart I have a German Shepherd that will let me know he's about to vomit and needs to be let out by nudging my legs licking his lips and then running to the back door I'm so thankful he's learned to try to hold in his vomit so he won't do it in the house my cat uses her claw to make her water bowl ring like a bell I'm apparently the servant being called to refresh the water my cat gets really ashamed when he hacks up a hairball he will sit there looking very sad until it's cleaned up well one day I was at work when he threw one up and since there was nobody in the house to clean it up for him he tried to clean cover it up it on his own he found one of my dirty socks I kicked off the day before on hold it and then neatly placed it over the hairball I still ended up stepping in it though my cat just pukes hers into my shoes I don't know about intelligent but it was rude I was sitting at the kitchen table using my laptop and singing my cat came from across the house hopped up on the table and slapped me across the face I once had a dog that would look both ways before crossing the street she was legitimately looking for oncoming traffic one time she started to cross but then saw a car coming she backed off and only crossed after the car past on the other hand I once had a dog who would sunbath in the middle of the street literally in the middle as to block traffic in both directions was in the middle of packing to move and one of us forgot to close the hamster cage hami gets out and is running around cat notices hami and makes this loud strange meow that wakes us up and alerts us to the loose hamster pretty decent of that cat to not eat the hamster my chocolate lab woke me up one night barking in my face I was really mad because he does that when I got up to see what was up I soon realized I was having a massive heart attack he saved my life thanks Luke one time my dog had a minor blockage and we took him to the emergency vet to see what we could do the vet decided to give him some fluids to try to flush it out later that night he woke me up by punching me in the face and looked deeply into my eyes as if to say this is going to be a photo finish let him outside and he let out the biggest poop I had ever witnessed him take thanks for not doing that in the house buddy on a similar note my pup woke up the next day after surgery and really wanted to go into our bathroom we assumed that so she could lay on the cold tiles nope she hobbled into the shower and peed our apartment is at the top of stairs and I think she figured this was the easiest option my cat had under a comforter when my house caught on fire when I wasn't home it saved his life because the layers of the comforter acted as an air filter and saved him from dying of smoke inhalation I know of someone's dog who herded the cats into the basement when the house caught fire according to the fireman pets often dialed house fires because they go hide in the upstairs bedroom which they think of as being safe but is actually more likely to get smoky the dog saved the cats lives I'm pretty bad at keeping track of my 3ds game cartridges lucky for me my cat isn't I once lost my copy of Pokemon X nearly destroyed my room trying to find it a week later I'm outside exercising and my cat walks up to me drops the missing game cartridge at my feet and then just walks off like it's no big deal your cat took it he's done with it now I was trying to teach my husky poor and he wasn't getting it after about five minutes of watching my lab mix comes over and puts his paw in my hand to show his brother how it's done this happened with my family when we were teaching our lab pup how to shake same as paw we'd have him sit and ask him to shake and rol the lab would walk over sit and keep putting his pour up in the air as if to say look I know how to do it I should get a treat it was the cutest thing our family's border collie would ring the doorbell when he wanted to come in he was never trained to do it my dad figures he had learned it from my childhood friends coming over to invite me out to play my dog got out of yard one time when we weren't home he went to my parents house that's about a half a mile away and started scratching on the door for my dad mine went on his walk route I'm running there for shaking a bag of treats like a madwoman while he's going around acting like everything's fine and dandy my male quaker parrot managed to get out of his cage one day and had free roam over the entire house he stole every pen pencil and hair tie he could find and built a nest in the corner of his cage when we tried to take it down he guarded it with his life and screeched at us we got him a few boxes of pencils the next day and let him remodel as much as he wanted honestly he loved building it and fixing it up it kept him busy and happy our cat a big Maine delivers the incoming mail from the letter slot in his teeth or bats the larger pieces to where I'm sitting if the piece is too heavy he looks at me and brows until I go to the letter slot of the delivery job he started my cat has this thing about drinking water from a bowl she would always tip it over lick it off the floor we got tired of stepping on a wet floor in socks on the daily so we wedge the water bowl between two heavier objects so that she couldn't tip it over she realized she could get a running start to jump onto a rolling off his chair to create enough force to move the bowl enough to spill it onto the floor I feel like she has a pretty good grasp on simple physics and using tools to get her way one of my pet rats was kinda smart when they would walk around on my bed they were able to step on to the windowsill I used to have blinds in front of my window and the little cord hung over it down to the ground at the end of the court there was this little wait sir my pet rat tried to lift the cord upward but when of course it kept falling back down because of the little weight he thought for a minute and then lifted the cord again put his front paw on the cord grips another part of the cord with his teeth lifted it upward a little further put his paw on top of it etc he managed to get the rest of the cord and little weight on the windowsill he did that every day after that I thought that was pretty smart also I used to have two rats that could spin around their axes on command they knew they would get a snack if they did that so whenever I opened a bag of potato chips for myself they started spinning around like ten times hoping they would get some I never give my rats chips for the record my cat knows that old grocery bags are what I scoop his crap into so when I slip up and forget to clean his litter box he drags one in there to let me know my Koji helps hold open inside doors for my three-legged dog named wobbles we adopted when he realized wobbles couldn't follow him due to the doors shutting behind him the smartest thing I've seen my cat do is referee when my girlfriend's kitten was trying to fight her older cat we were initially terrified because my cat was found as a stray and you can tell that he's had his butt kicked in a few fights back in the day when we adopted him when he'd hear the other cat start play fighting he'd rush out to be there - he weighed about twice as much as the next biggest cat and we knew almost nothing about his personality at a time so of course this filled us with terror well we followed him out into the next room and he had just managed to purge himself on the coffee table above the action and was just watching when the older cat switched from playing to getting genuinely exasperated with the kitten he tagged in so the other cat could get away at full Nancy would do this so we figured he may have helped raise kittens when he was stray I have a blood parrot smartest fish I've ever had his tank contains half sand and half white pebbles however he's very particular with where and how the floor of his environment looks like for example he'll move plants toward certain places if he doesn't like how the ground looks beneath them he'll place pebbles on the sand part and make a sand pile in the pebbles area but it isn't random if you remove a pebble from a little pile he'll notice it in place another one if you distort a little sand pile he'll build more on top of the remains he'll spend about three days carving out a small hole just to see his reflection at the bottom of the tank if you're likely dusty the empty space with sand he'll come swimming out of his house collect the misplaced sand in his mouth and literally throw it at you against the aquarium glass he's a very grumpy fish but his personality is amazing my blood parrot would greet everyone who walked in the front door it wasn't a feed me thing because he didn't do it when you walked past randomly it was just when you were coming home super smart little dude and a dedicated decorator also the fake plants all had certain spots and if you moved them initially would notice immediately and dragged them with his mouth back to their special spots I've got an African Grey parrot I also have a large mirror that leans against a wall he once walked up to it studied the other bird intently after fluffing up and acting like a badass then he decided to look behind the mirror for the other bird except you could see the confusion when he popped his head behind there only to see nothing he then looked at me as if I caused this black magic then he proceeded to walk behind the mirror and poke his head around so he could look into the mirror while standing behind it he then looked at me quizzically studied the mirror popped his head behind it popped it back out to confirm then just walked away now he seems to check himself out in the mirror every time he waddles past it I swear he knows it's him in the mirror and NIT just that particular one if he's in the bathroom with me he acts the same and appears to be studying himself whenever he gets the chance knowing that the reflection in a mirror is you is one of the rare abilities in the animal kingdom and one which few animals possess the required intelligence to understand dolphins pigs some of the higher-level primates that's about it most other animals can't put the connection together he also used to taunt the cat and get him to jump on top of the birds cage then he'd yell for us so we'd grab the cat and scold him then the bird would laugh happened until the cat learned not to jump on top of the cage now he's scared of the bird and we'll turn around if he sees the bird walking towards him haha my parents have an African Grey that were torn my brother's dog african greys are really good at mimicking voices so using my brother's voice he'd cooled the dog sable sable come here and once the dog showed up get the Frick out then he'd laugh his butt off when my son was a baby he was teething really bad constantly running a fever and cranky we gave him lots of the tylenol suspension drops one morning I had the baby wedge in the recliner while I was looking for something of course he was crying our dog looked at the baby ran upstairs came back down a few seconds later with the tylenol dropped it in the recliner where it rolled to the baby then the dog turned to me and barked until I picked it up I brought the quiet juice human use it already my roommates dog we were taking care of another dog for a few days and he was staying at our house they got along well enough but visit her dog kept trying to play in resident dog never wanted to one evening resident dog walks into the living room to find visitor dog is in her favorite spot on the couch she immediately barks drops into a play bow and starts jumping around to play with him visitor dog gets super excite did that she finally wants to play and abandons the couch resident dog drops the play-acting and reclaims her rightful throne if all of the spots on the couch were taken my dog would scratch the door to go out and when someone gets up he would take their spot my golden retriever leaves a shoe on the bed without fail for my wife or I to find if we are both gone at the same time my theory is that she did it once and we came home so now she does it every time we leave to ensure that we come back like a doggy superstition after doing this for years my wife had to leave the state for a week my first day back from work there was a shoe on the bed normal after my second day back wife is still gone there were three shoes on the bed after my third day returning from work alone every shoe and boot in the house was laid out on the bed and couches and all of my wife's dirty socks were in a bowl it may not be the smartest thing she's ever done but it really made me think about how she thinks who was the dumbest person you ever met how did you know I was a cook a few years ago in this particular busy night we ran out of lobster mac and cheese this one waitress could not understand how this was possible and just kept nagging and nagging in disbelief I got annoyed to the point that I told her the reason for this was that there was a shortage of people with small enough hands to milk lobsters tiny nipples hens a worldwide shortage of lobster milk to make that dish I had to come clean with her when she started telling this to customers and they demanded to speak with a manager I went to high school with this guy who probably had about three brain cells he was a stereotypical redneck here's a list of the stupid crap he did that I can name off the top of my head during a music class where we had a work period foursome project he asked the teacher if he could go make up a test he had missed earlier that week for a different class the teacher said yes he left the room went into the bands instrument storage room took a nap then got really peed at the teacher for not letting him make up the test in the same music class we had to use GarageBand to create a soundtrack for something and there were some guidelines we had to follow instead of for the guidelines this kid just filled the timeline with random loops admitted to doing that then tried to argue with the teacher about his grade for the project 20% tried to become a SoundCloud rapper he recorded his mixtape in the school bathroom then deleted it about three weeks later because everyone made fun of him for it the only line I actually remember was from a diss track where he said roasted in a pan of ovens started fights with four different people and got his butt kicked three times the one guy who didn't beat him up was two years younger 6 in 15 cm shorter and probably about 80 lbs / 36 kg lighter one fight was started because someone made an incest joke about him and his cousin one was because someone made fun of him for the previously-mentioned line from his mixtape one was because someone was calling him by his rapper name his initials which apparently was disrespectful because the other guy didn't know his middle name and one was because he was flirting with a girl who already had a boyfriend bragged about getting his very own tractor but refused to show anyone any pictures of it a few weeks later someone finally convinced him to show pictures it was a freaking lawnmower got caught watching Peter in class on his school laptop responded by punching it into breaking the screen tried out for the baseball team one year couldn't go back for a fly ball without falling on his butt missed every pitch during batting practice and got mad at the coach for not letting him on the team my friend wanted me to try whole-wheat pasta I explained that I'm allergic to wheat she said to try it because it's not wheat it's whole wheat just say that you are hole allergic to whole wheat my former boss was worried that the island of Manhattan would sink with all the extra visitors for New Year's in the ball dropping she thought islands float and when she found out that wasn't true she thought it was so funny that she told everyone the story she was later fired for withholding a pay raise from someone on her team because he didn't accept her romantic advances he had the texts to prove it I remember a guy I knew in middle school who put money into a vending machine and then his item didn't come out then he put more money into the machine and two of the item he wanted came out he then exclaimed alright two for one man I remember a guy in middle school who would put money in the vending machine and then sell the item for less money because he thought that what making a profit was one time my now ex-girlfriend was watching Maury Povich one of those paternity test episodes with the classic you are not the father moment and she turns to me and says if we ever have a baby and I found out I'm not the mother I'll kill you thankfully we didn't end up reproducing you just randomly bring home a baby congratulations dear we've had a child I was working retail at a time and this lady walks in and asks me to tell her when it is quarter after 10 a.m. she needs to catch a bus we were slow so I obliged 10:15 a.m. rolls around and I tell her so she drops her stuff and runs out to get the bus five minutes later she comes back at scowling and she then lectures me on how to tell time how much is the quarter twenty-five cents so why would you tell me a quarter after tenner is ten fifteen eh it's 10:25 a.m. tell her that her bus is late today it will be in at three dollars to 11 I was taught 11th grade science by a teacher who believed tattoos were genetically inherited he had just purchased a new high-powered BB gun we had just finished shooting it in the backyard when he points the barrel at my face and pulls that trigger several times I tell him to stop being an idiot and he just laughs and says it's not loaded than the puts the barrel in his mouth and pop shoots a BB right through his tongue and into his uvula I asked a temp at work to weigh a couple of lever arch files for postage she came back and told me there were 65 kilograms I asked if it were possible that it was six point five kilograms but she insisted it wasn't we argued about it for a good five minutes it wasn't until I asked her how much she weighed 59 kg that did finally twiglet these two small folders couldn't possibly weigh more than her had a girl I worked with at McDonald's sweet as could be but denser than the concrete the store sat on two moments stand out to me one she thought the Great Wall of China was in Arizona two she firmly believed North was whatever direction you were looking at the moment I had a boss who told me that she never kept leftovers from a meal because that's how polio got started all that precooked food in the supermarket I t's all polio a girl in my class in middle school genuinely thought people had landed on the Sun her explanation for this belief was to insist that the Moon and Sun are made of the same stuff well yet protons neutrons and electrons you can build a lot of wacky crap with that though a friend of mine is a sweet guy but is overweight and balding and quite frankly not very attractive in the face well one day he lets us know that he has met a girl and she might be the one he's in his late 20s for reference well I've met some of the jewels he's hooked up with in the past so I wasn't expecting too much but finally meet this girl and she has drop-dead gorgeous and hazzard body that is incredible I talked to her for a while and she is super friendly and outgoing I'm stoked for my boy he found the best he's ever gonna find anyway the night progresses in the new couple starts talking about their plans for an upcoming trip to New Mexico and she starts telling us how excited she is because she has never gone to another country before I laughed a bit and realized she was dead serious my friend just looked at me and shook his head and I knew that he knew she was dumb as a frickin rat but she was his dumb frickin rock f wiw he helped her get her passport I worked with a woman who would be constantly on her phone but if she set it down she'd think it would be someone else's she legitimately spent 20 minutes looking for her phone believing that the phone in front of her was another co-workers then finally did it dawn on her that it was hers don't know how she survived 50 plus years when I was in the Air Force I was the lead trainer certifier in my unit when a new person would show up I'd watch them do the job answer any out-of-the-ordinary questions etc and when I felt they were ready I'd sign off saying they were qualified this all happened after they finished a six-week school learning the job the 73 troops I trained took on average three days to complete this phase then there was that one guy I took him under my wing non-stop for an entire month he'd messed something up one day and we corrected no big deal the next he'd get it right but get something else wrong then on the following day mess-up on the first thing we had corrected bear in mind that he has a step-by-step checklist in his hand that lists everything to do and in what order to do it after a month of this I figured there was nothing I could do for him maybe it was my teaching method so I handed him over to my supervisor they spent another three weeks together until he was finally certified a month and a half to learn what should have taken three days personally I really liked the guy had a good heart didn't give up after the setbacks and probably the funniest non comedian I've ever met he was just a bit dense when it came to the job the job was refueling jets which is really about two degrees harder than filling your car a chimp could do it and probably learn in less time miss your buddy hope he'll still doing well I like how nice you are about it and how you acknowledge that he was a good bloke a lot of people just disparage those who aren't as skilled as em good on you a girl in my art class in high school thought there was just a part of the cow called meat when we explained meat is the muscles she freaked out and became vegetarian a girl in my sophomore year of high school who thought there were six months in a year she was really nice but very surprised and confused when we tried to set her right white girl didn't think she could get pregnant because the guy was Mexican swear on my life car dashboard reads 40 miles to e my car says in 40 miles will be going east half out my science class thought that the International Space Station was just some building on the ground is the International land station my wife wanted to meet an old friend from school she hadn't seen for about 20 years we went to dinner and he brought his wife who he met two months ago who was a male entertainer and had two kids he was white she was black and he spent the whole night trying to start crap with people for making racist comments about their relationship behind their back they weren't when we finally got into talking he told me about nine jump points that exist to get off the earth I thought to myself oh boy a flat earther I've never met a real one before but no that's not what he was talking about that would have been so much better than what he was talking about he said there are nine jump points on earth that are essentially wormholes to other planets and that there is one in New York City that goes to Mars and that the American government has already colonized Mars and is hiding it from the people and he was dead serious find our guy who vaped mercury on a dare out of everything in this thread this one's the most flicked up my friend and ex run mate legitimately believed that cat only had one hole as in they peed and pooped and had intercourse et Cie through one hole I understand that some birds reptiles and fish have clicker but mammals he owns three cats he also refuses to neuter then because he thinks it's unhealthy they're constantly going in and out of heat miserably yelling and writhing all over the apartment which didn't allow pets they're inside casts do does no business owning a pet of any kind they thought dinosaurs were fictional I knew a grown woman who thought that dinosaurs never existed where are a hoax that is being perpetuated through time by scientists trying to be in on the joke her main argument for this point if dinosaur bones are real tell me why it's only ever a paleontologist that keeps finding the bones I know a guy who thinks the specialty he drinks negates the negative health effects off his Packard a smoking habit I remember proof reading a paper for a freshman my roommate had the hots for it was on Jonathan Swift's a modest proposal but somehow this freshman didn't catch that it was satire the opening lines of the paper are burned into my memory eating children would not be a good thing to do in fact we could say it would be bad girl in my class ask the professor if other countries have moons too my best friend asked me this when I moved to Europe she asked if I could see the moon there or if it only existed for the USA my first ever girlfriend thought you had to study for an STD test she was really pretty I currently worked with this person didn't know detergent existed other than tide was washing her clothes with downy and was wondering why stains weren't coming out made a legal right turn from left lane in front of two different co-workers at different times at the age of 20 had already totaled seven cars got customer complaints that she was constantly on phone and tried to hide it when manager was near left a nasty lint roller on the counter covered in fake hair I hate fish I've never had fish other than fish sticks asked how old I am the next day asked if I was alive in the 90s doesn't know own address or what city she lives in didn't believe me that California has snow described how she made tacos once and she put water in it and it turned into meat soup customer said they lived in the boondocks she handed a posted to co-worker that said why do people here live in the boom box Australia is part of the United States she got that in Alaska confused somehow thought Haitian was half asian half black coworker brought in a cake and he told new girl he made it she believed him despite the price tag and retail packaging these are all things she's said to me all within earshot of me I wish I were making this up a girl at my high school didn't know you could get pregnant from semen I had a guy at work tell me that Benjamin Franklin was the hundredth president because he's on the hundred dollar bill I mean we are only on the 45th so he could be right one day we hide a girl a couple years ago I told her where the manager's office was her first day second day she asked me where the manager's office was so I walked her to the door third day she asks me where it is again our manager chewed out the girl who trained our new recruits for not teaching the job properly the trainer pulled out her phone and showed the manager a picture of the girl wearing the uniform backwards and said look at this this is untrainable new girl got fired about three weeks later for stealing the product because she thought she got it for free because she was an employee a friend of mine still thinks cancer is made up by Big Pharma I live in southern Spain I once met a girl from the US who was here on some kind of exchange program when I asked her how did she like Spain so far she said I am loving it I just don't know why the plane took so long to get here I mean we are just a bit below Mexico I don't know where he the flight was sooo long then I told her that we were in Europe and she didn't believe me her reply was Europe it can't be everyone speaks Spanish so we must be somewhere near Mexico for sure she was in uni I still don't know how why I'm Spanish too the amount of times I've experienced this is stupid at least three people I've met thought Spain was in Mexico I have geography and third-period in this kid thinks there's two florida's Florida FlowRider it checks out my ex sister-in-law's hands-down the dumbest person I've ever encountered there's literally a plethora of fricking insanely stupid things she's said over the years but I want to use the one that almost made me slap the taste out of her mouth I had my first son back in 2001 and while I was pregnant she asked me if I was going to breastfeed to which I replied that I was she then asked even if it's a girl and I said of course she then proceeded to tell me that it's perfectly fine to breathe boys but doing so with girls is creepy and could make the child a lesbian because they get the feel of her breasts and will remember it and want that intimately to say that I was stunned by her thought processes an understatement I asked her what she thought people did before formula was invented she said cow's milk and before bottles were invented it was a rag soaked in cow's milk sidenote she had three daughters and wouldn't allow her husband to change their diapers or bathe them I worked with a woman with one daughter not only did she not let her husband bathe her daughter or change diapers but she never left her alone with him she claimed all men were perverts by default they couldn't help it I've always wondered what happened to her in her past to make her think that it's sad while visiting the Lincoln Memorial I ran into an older couple discussing the inscription of the Gettysburg Address on the walls the woman asked the man what this was in reference to and if it was about America and the man said something to the effect of no this couldn't be about America we never had any slaves here in our country it must be about what happened in country eggs these were two Americans I went to school with a girl that legitimately thought nine stroke eleven was done by German Nazis someone asked me if Japanese was a real language in high school twice nah it was just made up by really dedicated weebs was working at a grocery store over a decade ago I wouldn't call the kid down because he just didn't know it's more of a funny thing he was new and the manager asked him to face the store when he asked what he could do facing means you make sure the aisles look nice and neat and that the product is pulled forward and visibly facing you as you walk down the aisle the kid couldn't be found until someone told the manager one of the workers was just standing in the parking lot facing the store I will never forget that to be fair he did follow instructions literally she had a mug from Disneyland with the name Ronald on it she thought you just picked a mug of the name you like and not your actual frickin name I love this and wanted to be a thing you have been visited by the snake of great corn you will be blessed with corns door eternities to come but only if you comment corn me up snake if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check out another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: Updoot Everything

Views: 288,138

Rating: 4.7912588 out of 5

Keywords: smartest, dumbest, smart, dumb, stupid, stupidest, smartest person, dumbest person, smartest pet, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: h4q14Yv5xUY

Length: 80min 38sec (4838 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 07 2020