What's The Greatest Comeback That Left People Speechless? (r/AskReddit Top Posts | Reddit Stories)

what is the greatest comeback you have said to someone that left them speechless so one Thanksgiving we were eating dinner at my B s parents house B s deadbeat cousin was there and kept going on and on about how the family dog recognized in the moment she smelled him she's blind my bf sweet old grandpa was sitting beside me and leaned over to whisper it's hard to forget what sheet smells like I played high school football one year and after a scrimmage one of my teammates looked at me and said hey anybody ever told you you suck at football and without thinking I replied nobody that matters he was a bully but to be fair I really did suck at football when I worked at Starbucks there was someone who spilled a bunch off coffee and was trying to clean it herself my coworker walks up to clean it for real coffee speller it's okay I got it I'm a waitress I do this all the time coworker you spill coffee all the time he was trying to make a joke but she just looked at him with a blank expression and walked away do you realize you always answer a question with a question without even thinking does that bother you hanging out with friends throwing crap at each other my wife no not my face it's my moneymaker me no wonder were always broke she found it as hilarious as I did my sister got me good once when I was about 19 my job then was newspaper delivery I went into a room and saw my dog sound asleep on the couch and I went tough life all you do is eat sleep and sheet my sister responds from the other room that's all you do - except you have a paper route I couldn't even think of a response was in the army a master corporal of mine overheard a six story I was telling he said your sister doesn't count I said no but yours does he laughed I did drill for an extra hour well no sheet what have we got here a ducking comedian private Joker I admire your honesty how I like you you can come over to my house and dunk my sister I used to work with this guy who would always bring up the fact that his dad walked out on his family there could be two people having a conversation on the other side of the room and he had one of them say the word dad and he'd interject with something like must be nice to have a dad I wouldn't know my dad left us when I was six and we haven't seen him since this guy was also just a generally unlikable person and kind of antagonistic towards everyone and everything so he didn't generate much sympathy with these antics one day I told him to do something and we had this exchange you are not my dad if I were your dad I would have walked out on you too when I was working in retail my manager who was a bigger fellow and I used to talk sheep to each other for fun one day he was congratulating himself for being such a good sheep talker and he said something like I'm the king of throwing shade I throw mad shade to which I replied you'd to cast a white shadow back when I was a smoker I went to a gas station late at night to buy a pack it was late so instead of going inside you had to order at this little walk-up window when the attendant slid my cigs under the slot and I grabbed them the kid behind me goes don't you know smoking can heal you and I said yeah so can talking to strangers working retail and an hour-long barrage of anger from a customer lead to me filling out a return form while he leant over me aggressively telling me how he would end me and my career end the business before I snapped stood up pointed out his address on the invoice and said the difference between you and me as I know where you live he grabbed his form and bolted still know that Tucker's address near eight years later edit you guys really like glitter and poop any two here's the full story I wrote out on funnyjunk back when green text style writing was destroying the internet fauna junk car not me but I was there for it doing early document research way down in the basement of a big law firm working on a med mal defense this case involved where a guy went into an urgent care complaining about frequent urination doctor and a few tests prescribed him some medication for BPH and let him go eventually goes to another dr i think it was like a year later he has prostate cancer and it's spread by this stage it's inoperable 95% of the time these cases are just grieving families channeling their anger inappropriately anyway going through docs with me in to colleagues let's call them brad and Amy Amy looks at some report and is like yeah our doctor is in the wrong here this blood test has a normal range of XY his is Ed this should have lead to follow-up he probably would have lived if they caught it there Brad looks at her and says and just about the most condescending voice possible and where did you go to medical school Amy answers Yale turns out Amy had done her med school and left during her second year of rotations deciding that being a dr wasn't for her she decided to enroll in law school I was at the gym about six months ago and this guy I went to high school with approached me he graduated a year ahead of me and opened with snack and squats I stare back at him uncomfortably full stop I recognize him but don't remember his name I thought that was you he used to be so weird everyone thought he was so weird come again probably he starts telling a story about casually bullying me the good old days sweet memories act and then finishes it with but you look so great now I have always thought you were beautiful what do you think about me I don't think about you he stared at me and I continued to stare at him until he finally walked away I was waiting in line at a bar for drinks when this massive jock dude tried to cut in front of me I am 5 feet 7 inches 145 pounds and he was at least 1/2 foot taller and outweighed me by 80 pounds when I call him out he went off on me calling me a little itch and a [ __ ] in my drunken confident state I said to him I'm standing up to a guy twice my size and you're picking a dude half your side who's the real [ __ ] in this situation he stood just stood there and stared daggers into me he eventually said that when I leave I better watch my back edit spelling was over at a friend's house in junior high and his dad was making jokes about me having a small big dick for some reason but I just paid it no mind even though it bugged me couple hours pass and he comes in the room again and says something like Dixie 745 you find your PIN yet before I could stop myself I blurted out Yair it was in your wife's mouth needless to say I was asked to leave that day a her honesty though WTF what he expecting woman at work asked me if her for Eid was too shiny I told her on the plus side if you ever get lost in the mountains you can use it to signal aircraft she slapped me but not in a serious way annoying co-worker asked me what do you even do all day I wasn't having it not today so I said not wasting other people's time the office went quiet the president called me and congratulated me on the sweet burn the hottest Blanc's fell into my lap and we made out the boss let me go home early and gave me a raise everyone cheered as I walked out and then I woke up duck in a tantrum my six-year son told me I was a bad daddy I immediately deadpan he was adopted the stunned look on my boys faces said in my brain not my proudest parenting moment I bulleted my way through an HTML course in college our final project was making a website for a company mine was a coffee company and it was perfectly functional but trash it was ugly all the colors clashed it kinda did actually hurt your eyes if you looked at it for too long the text was colored all ducked up and nearly blended with a background so you had to really try to weed it it was really bad but functionally perfect which was the point so as we were presenting my instructor pointed out every visual floor she just dreamed it she said it was the ugliest sight she had ever graded and I was lucky I wasn't graded on how visually displeasing it was I made an effort to sound professional as I explained my side caters to the younger crowd you are not my target demographic thank you for your input though it was probably as legend as I'll ever be she was probably like 35 - 40 years old or something got a 100% though I have great renewable success with I can live with that it fit most things and is usually unexpected I was at Target once with my then roommate and I was buying some knife Horsham personal grooming when checking out my roommate made sure to say right in front of the female cashier did why are you buying Meijer I responded so you don't get hair in your mouth that shut him up ah elementary school was great for these had a girl say I'm worth more than you to some kid and he snapped back yes with the same price per pound you are like a lot left all of us rolling I got my golden moment too at my school there was this short dude called LA's who was always picking fights he said to me once can I call you King Scudder III imitating my dialect and I instantly replied can I call you extra Lars since you're so dark in tiny even his posse laughed and he never bothered me again worked at a pizza place and I had recently dyed my hair blue rich snobby guys comes in with his wife gives me a look and says what happened did you lose a bet without skipping a beat I looked at his wife looked back at him and said no did you somebody at work said something like I'll show give you six inches and I immediately responded I don't need to see your big dick six times I worked in a technical writing capacity for a small family-run company the office manager was the owners stepson and was a massive prima donna he loved to belittle the office staff and make life harder for everyone with his condescending attitude and general incompetence he once questioned the phrasing of a passage in a report that I wrote I stuck to my guns and this raised his ire he began to yell and sputter don't you dare question me I have an English degree do you have an English degree do you as I watched his face turn progressive shades of purple I replied sorry Jim after high school they determined that I had sufficient command of the language in that no further study was necessary I thought he was going to stroke out I was waiting tables out of high school and wasn't very outspoken to strangers I had a table of four dudes pretty loud joking around et Cie I think myself funny but again this was before I was more outgoing they got the salad bar and after they sat down with the plates from it I asked if they found everything okay one guy says no where are the women at I said without even thinking they saw you coming and ran off the whole table busted up and I got a great tip girl with a tape recorder and microphone outside a strip mall near the new year hi I am taking a poll on New Year's resolutions me Jarrod's to not talk to strangers as I walked right past her I looked back and she was laughing my friend in middle school was kind of Rick and she was chubby I remember her fighting with the guy and she said I have more friends than you and he goes yeah if you count chicken wings I tried so hard to hide my tears from laughing I went to Catholic High School and had to wear a belt every day as part of the uniform one day I had forgotten the belt and the vice-principal who was a very fat man had caught me he said excuse me young man I can't see your belt I stopped in my tracks and said fair I can't see yours either I was on the receiving end of five days detention for that one me and my coworker once Tim you're just like my liver barely functioning and not doing your job he's an alcoholic me you're just like my appendix useless and have no purpose this was two weeks ago and he's still livid I said that to him back in high school there was this girl she was incapable of saying anything nice everything out of her mouth was an insult the only nice things she had to say were about dolphins she was crazy into dolphins one day the teacher handed back an exam we did I was top of the class when the teacher shared that news the girl rolled her eyes looked at me and said you're such a pig I held up my exam well I guess this proves pigs are smarter than dolphins first time she'd ever been rendered speechless when I was eight I wanted to drink soda in the morning my dad refused to let me have soda that early so I said you're drinking beer this early he didn't say anything just walked over that the fridge and grabbed me a soda XD he was watching a game with his brother which is why he was drinking in the morning not an alcoholic law when I worked in the oil field it wasn't unusual for the crew to go out drinking after a long day shift I happened to drink a little too much and the following day I was paying for it one of the guys asks me how you are doing but not looking so good as I'm puking out the bust or getting ready to head back to the barn for a crew change I quickly responded in between dry heaving spells I'm feeling about as good as you look his mouth drops in shock guy was taken back from my usually quiet demeanor he finished with saying did I just get f king roasted by Mexi pirate question mark edit words grammar spelling middle-school peeing at the urinal I was at the corner urinal slightly angled toward the wall because why not I was an awkward middle schooler kid walks in what's the matter don't wanna show off your peepee me instantly you're right it would be showing off I was so proud very attractive and very gay co-worker of mine came into the room he pointed to some short scruffy facial hair and said what do you think I said did if you need a beard I'm right here dead silence a full three seconds later he and everyone else who could hear us cracked up laughing once the moment passed I told him that I just couldn't leave a setup like that hanging back to business as usual my uncle who is loaded and has a passion for staring sheet was making some comment about my boyfriend at the time saying that he wasn't ever going to make much money and that he would never be able to bring me places or buy my nice things all of this sucked me on all sorts of levels but eventually he said something along the lines of don't you want a rich man I just looked at him as calmly as I could and said now money makes people better a druggie on the corner asking for change called Mia who were when I wouldn't give her any money I turned around and said at least two wars do something for the money they get on the corner my son his wife and their daughter were making their way back to the parking garage they had to climb some external stairs and a homeless woman was blocking about half of one of the staircases my son politely said excuse me she looks up and says get you and your hot daughter off my steps my son Usher's his family past her and as he's turning to go says you know suicide is always an option while working behind the counter at McKee DS customer hey cutie how about you slip an extra hash in that bag me sure that'll be one dollar and seven cents at a birthday party of a close friend there was this super obnoxious guy I think he was drunk already when he arrived and he told everyone stories from his super exciting live regardles if we wanted to hear them or not his favorite story was centered around him having been homeless on the streets for about two years he didn't tell it in a humbling way or as a sob story in order to make us pity him Toth he was basically using it to brag about how it made him stronger and he has seen at all nothing can get to him anymore he told this sheet to at least a dozen people at the party all while drinking more and more and thus becoming even more obnoxious and confrontational he started picking fights and so the rest of the guests decided that he had to leave the party immediately he shouted an argue with us for a while so we forcefully dragged him out of the door and told him to get lost he stood outside for a minute or so and then told us we couldn't just throw him out like that because he had no way to get home before morning and he would have to sleep on the street if we do that at which point I just stared at him for a second and told him well that should be something you should be able to handle with all your experience right the look on his face and his utterly stunned silence we're priceless TL DR guy at party keeps bragging about sleeping on streets I tell him he shouldn't have a problem with being thrown out there someone cracked on my mum once and I said your mum has a club pierced with a boat anchor and now I'm the undisputed reigning champ of your momma jokes in my friends circle I find that the worst thing about my eight-year-old is that there are so many things that come out of his mouth that just begged for the response of socio mom then I realize oh sheet I'm your mom [Music] you

Channel: Storytime With Reddit

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Keywords: reddit, askreddit, top posts, r/askreddit, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, askreddit top posts, ask reddit, subreddit, reddit stories, funny reddit, best reddit posts, best of reddit, askreddit new, askreddit stories, reddit story, story, stories, askreddit funny, reddit best, funny posts, funny, funny askreddit, r/, funniest, best posts, reddit funny, people, funny stories, memes, Cowbelly, ToadFilms, storytime with reddit, comeback, insult, conversation, real life, life advice

Id: jd2VsODhy2E

Length: 20min 10sec (1210 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 28 2020