8 Tactics A Narcissist Uses To Goad You Into Uncivil Responses

[Music] perhaps you've heard me talking in other videos about how i like to say dr c dr c stands for dignity respect and civility now i want to talk to you today about civility and one of the things specifically i want to discuss is how people will come into my office and they've engaged with that narcissist over and over and they may not use the word civility but they'll just basically say something to the effect of you know i try as best as i can to be a team player and i try to be somebody that gets along with people i'm telling this individual is so difficult that I wind up getting pulled into all sorts of unhealthy responses has that ever happened to you do you have somebody inside whether it's your home or your extended family the people that you work with and you have good intentions to be a right and proper person but because of the way that narcissistic individual responds with all their high control and insensitivity and low empathy and manipulation you find yourself becoming somebody that you really don't like now specifically when we talk about civility we're talking about having a sense of respectfulness and the way that you engage with others in such a way that you can find common ground in the way that you do life in other words you want to be a team player well let's keep in mind narcissists are not team players they don't think in terms of how you and I can do things well together instead they're thinking how can I get you to conform to what I want and they'll use [ __ ] crook to get whatever their desires are and that's where they throw you off of your game so I've identified 8 different ways that narcissist can cause you to respond in an uncivil kind of way and these are very common and as you as I go through these you're probably going to be shaking you're thinking oh yeah that probably happened yesterday or earlier today and then I want to see if we can figure out how we're going to maintain our sense of civility knowing full well that we're not to get coordination with that narcissist now number one a very easy way that a narcissist will pull you off of your goodness and civility one is they'll speak very definitively or directly to you about what you can and cannot do now that's a nice way for me to say they're bossy or they're very critical and many times you've got some things whether it's again at work or in the home saying you have some things that you want to pursue and it's like you can't do that or that's not right or I don't know where you come up with an idea like that and so they can be so directive and that they don't say hey let's talk about it or may I discuss with you an angle that maybe you haven't thought about they don't do that they don't have that collegiality they just go straight into the bossy and the pushy kind of way and then I want you to notice what that does to you it's like I don't like it when people when people speak to me that way before you know it here come your defenses and all the rest are number too many times narcissists will use art will use ultimatums in the way that they argue with you and and basically they try to back you into a corner with with threats it's like you know what if you think you're gonna do something like this over here I've got another thing coming to you because not only am I not going to cooperate with you but I'm gonna make sure that other people understand how miserable of a person you are or I'm gonna make it where it's just not going to work you will not get cooperation out of me and there's just this ultimatum it's like training just try me and I'll show you what I am willing to do Gus is come in and he wants to get another front-row seat here with me so I'm gonna let him come on up Gus's mr. contestability doesn't use ultimatums in arguments but these people will and it's like they want to threaten you it's like if you try to do something that goes against me I'll make sure everybody knows how miserable of a person you are and they they don't mind at all pulling out all sorts of tools in their Arsenal's to make you feel like you're obliged to do our bidding a third thing that narcissus can do that pulls you away from your civility is they can use mocking and sarcastic remarks as motivation you know so and for example they may say something like so you really do think that this is the right way to proceed are you absolutely kidding me and so they can speak to you in that kind of way or you may be talking with them about something that's a bother to you and they can look at you and go well boohoo isn't it miserable to have two to live with with the kind of things that you have to deal with or what are you whining about anyway and there can just be this real condescending way of speaking with you which leads to a fourth tactic that they often use and that is they'll interpret your behaviors or comments to an extreme for example let's suppose you say hey look I'm just trying to do this and this is what makes sense to me I'd like to see if you would go along with me and so they can say oh so what you're trying to say is it's just miserable having to live with me is that what you're trying to say no no I'm just I'm just saying this is my preference and I could use a little cooperation oh so you just think that I'm deal that you're the only one whose opinion in here matters that kind of thing they'll take what you have to say and they'll run with it in this greatly exaggerated way and of course it goes back to that mocking kind of a thing a fifth thing that narcissus can do is they can be very thin-skinned in receiving any kind of different nests how many times have you thought well I want to try to have a sense of connection or I need to have a coordination with this person and then you think oh if I say this I know they're gonna get mad or I know they're gonna get defensive they're gonna take it the wrong way so you attempt to speak into your issues and sure enough it's like I hate it when you say these things to me or you're the most miserable person I have to live with and say no no and but nonetheless they they will be very defensive they they just simply can't hear you in a straight adult-to-adult kind of way leaving you feeling like you have to be calculated and guarded and cautious in the way that you present yourself to them a sixth tactic that they can use that will get you off your game is they can they can just kind of give you some sniping or jabbing or short comments and gestures for example if you say this is the plan that I want to go with they can say it's just like you isn't it okay it's a jabbing comment or you may say this is something that's important to me and they'll roll their eyes and say whatever or or they just may be thinking they're just kind of like just just do what you have to do and and there can just be this sense that says you are the most difficult person to engage with when in fact they're the ones who's creating the very difficulty or a seventh thing that they can do is they can ask loaded questions for example if you talk about your preference or your interpretation there are plans they might say something like how are we ever going to get forward or move forward in our relationship if you're just gonna make such bad decisions or let's suppose that you're dealing with a friend or a family member it's like do you think you're gonna just coddle them for the rest of their lives why can't you just be an adult about this and so they're not asking the questions for the sake of seeking information they're asking questions to back you into a corner that's how they operate or then an eight way that narcissus will keep you off your game is they just refuse to have any compromise with you at all they have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking black or white so if you say well I'm going to go ahead and stick with my plan here then their response is so you're just gonna be stubborn like that aren't you at all it's all about you and yeah everything has to go your way and that's that all-or-nothing kind of thinking that they have so you can see and frankly there are other kinds of things that they might do but I think you gotta have an idea here you are someone who says I want to be civil I want to have the sense of team and coordination kind of a spirit that we can manage between the two of us and you keep bumping into those kinds of responses from them how are you gonna respond well many people respond by pleading their case and yeah and you feel like you have to defend or justify or rationalize why do you think the way you do some people respond by speaking words of accusation and shame right back at the narcissist you know BAE they want to make you feel foolish so it's like you know what I'll do the same right back at them and I'll just talk with them about you're the worst person in the world to live with or I just wish everybody to thinks you're so nice down that the in the neighborhood organization could see you now you know those kind of things or you can just get really ugly with your anger and you can curse and you can say all sorts of mean-spirited kinds of things to that individual some people respond by this collapsing and defeats like this is never gonna work and so you just lose your sense of resolve all together or and sometimes you wind up responding by just having a little argit approach towards life it's like I quit I give up and they can rob you of your sense of enthusiasm about all sorts of other things so let's look at a couple of major mistakes that you can make that get you away from your stability and your goodness and one is one major mistake is you can expend way too much physical time and emotional energy hoping to make the narcissist think and act differently they won't part of the defining feature of narcissism is the inability to receive input and then a second major mistake that you can make as you engage with that narcissism is you can take their contempt toward you and personalize it you know they want you to think lowly about yourself because that keeps them in the high position over you and you can it's like maybe there is something really wrong with me and they're over there thinking yeah keep it stay on that track cuz I think you're onto something there so do you want to be a civil person are you the kind of person that wants to have that that team play with other individuals I really hope that that's something you can aspire to but let's keep in mind that you're dealing with somebody who doesn't really think in those kind of terms they don't really care about it they may say that they're the most civil person in the world meaning as long as you do what I tell you to do I'll be fine let's keep in mind this huge kind of conclusion and that is I'm hoping that you can resolve to being a civil individual and when you're with other individuals beyond that narcissus I hope it really plays out well but then when the narcissist acts in these ways that I've mentioned that gets you off your game and and they more or less imply I'm not going to be a team member with you I want your response at least inwardly to be you know what whether you are a team member with me or not I'm gonna be or I'm going to remain a member of team healthy that's what I do I hope that you find some some benefit from videos such as this and I really do want you two to look at who you are in the way that you respond to that individual and that's a part of your growth we can talk all day long about what's wrong with them but I'm wanting you to take the information and turn it into your introspect and an introspection and that's what I'm attempting to do here with you today if you'd like you can go beneath the video and hit that subscribe button so we can keep you apprised of more videos it may be that you'd like to join our email list we actually have some bonus videos that we have and articles and some promotions that will keep you apprised of if you get on our email list if you have need for online counseling I know some of you don't have the availability of people that are right there in your immediate area but you'd like to sift things out with someone we have a link to people that can help you in that we're guard I also have my links to my books and online workshops and I really do want to be a helpful resource for you now keep in mind that that a narcissistic individual may remain unhealthy but I want you to stay on your own healthy track and I want you to know I wish you goodness I wish you peace [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 160,027

Keywords: narcissism, narcissist, Dr. Les Carter, counseling, psychology, relatiionships, conflict, divorce, anger management

Id: ZAQ3x4IvJUU

Length: 13min 42sec (822 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 18 2019