What To Do With Stored Up Anger Toward A Narcissist

we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be Workshop So to that effect beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop and we've also included a special discount so if that's something you would be interested in I would invite you to click that link and I hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] easily one of the most common problems that people talk with me about in the aftermath of having been with a strongly narcissistic person is they'll say I don't really know what to do with all of this stored up anger that's just piling up on the inside of me I don't want it to be in there but there it is and frankly when I hear something like that I'm not shocked or I'm not surprised because I mean you can't expect to be on the receiving end of all of a narcissist gross insensitivities and not have some form of anger I mean these people are highly controlling they don't really care about your plans or your preferences they're very selfish which means they don't really take the time to know who you are they can be highly condescending and and they can try to turn other individuals around they're very defensive which means you can't have good constructive Communications with them and so for you to say I feel angry well that's pretty normal in fact it'd be strange if you didn't have that emotion and then to top it off now when you do have anger you might turn to people like myself who'll say well there are some healthy ways to manage anger assertiveness and boundaries and things like that but you know that even as you attempt to put that kind of mindset into play You're Still limited there because the the narcissist is only going to receive a certain amount of your words probably a pretty low percentage of your words or you're limited in in them making any kind of healthy adjustments and so uh that has it's uh its frustrations for you and then you have the hurt that goes along with that anger and that hurt is something that just can linger for a long time just simply because you can have various triggers that remind you of what happened you can have feelings of futility as you engage with individuals and you know they just don't seem to understand you and so you carry this around on the inside let me give you an illustration of some of the the common scenarios that I hear about and I suspect that you'll be able to relate to some of these for example one of the most common problems that comes in the aftermath from the aftermath of having been with a narcissist is you may have been estranged from people that you love dearly and this can be your own children it can be your grandchildren it can be other extended family members it might be that because of that narcissist you are now extreme estranged from friends or co-workers or maybe some of those people who were kind of peripheral acquaintances but you're not going to be able to see them anymore because the narcissist owns them another common scenario is I've heard people talk about the anger that they that lingers because their career was severely uh maneuvered into a wrong direction because of that narcissism it may be that that narcissist once was a friend that you trusted or it may have been a sibling or a spouse that you once trusted and that person betrayed you and and they uh they just uh abandoned you and it caught you off guard because you weren't expecting it to happen from that person who turned out to be somebody that you had no idea that I was really there it could be that you've been verbally or emotionally or physically abused and and the anger and the hurt that goes along with that doesn't just dry up real quickly it may be that after all of the difficulty you've had with that person you find out that to other individuals you've been lied about you've been the receipt on the receiving end of the smear campaign and creates anger and it stores up on the inside of you now there are multiple reasons that that anger and the accompanying hurt and pain is so difficult to purge first and foremost one of the reasons is the the treatment that you've received is just grossly unfair how many times have you said to yourself this just isn't fair especially when you know that that narcissist is so deeply flawed and they're seeming to get away from it and you you may have your flaws but it's like I'm not nearly as bad as that person when you're trying to weigh the scales of Justice it doesn't add up or another reason that the anger can linger is that that unfairness continues on and by that I mean sometimes you find out when you think the relationship with that person is done they're not going to let up they can still do things behind your back to uh to turn people against you or they may have hindered your financial capabilities and sometimes the lingering effect just goes on and on you know the proverbial gift that keeps on giving except this is one I didn't ask for and then in addition another reason that the anger can linger is you can carry all sorts of emotional scars in the aftermath and by that I mean your exposure to that narcissistic person may have taken its toll on your self-esteem you may have some doubts about your own legitimacy you know do I really make sense maybe that person was right sometimes you just have such a deep sense of embarrassment and futility that you don't want to face other individuals sometimes you have loneliness and confusion as you ask yourself the question who's going to understand what I have to say I mean I don't even have the time to explain it to everybody anyway another reason that your anger can linger is when you look at the pervasiveness of that narcissist pathology it's just so difficult to comprehend why would anyone treat me the way that that person did what's going on and it may be that you uh you just have a hard time finding any kind of answer that satisfies in that category and I totally get that in addition another reason that the anger can linger is uh you were you look back and you think well my biggest mistake is I was loyal my biggest mistake is I was optimistic in other words you your your best characteristics were used against you and it's like how did that happen I thought that I was trying to be a decent person and that got taken away from me and then over time emotional fatigue settles in I know I need to do something different I know I need to come to terms with my emotions but right now I'm just emotionally spent and then another reason that the anger can linger is sometimes just being honest your own personality may be working against you and by that I mean you may be the kind of person who likes to have your your own personal events tied down you know you like to have things neat and predictable and in their place and if that's not the case then you can have some strain there or it may be that you're a natural appeaser or people pleaser and as a result you have a hard time dealing with individuals who are so much the opposite of that or it could be that you're the kind of person that's naturally inclined towards anxiety anyway or depression and so all of that can come into play so you've been misreaded and you have the anger and you have the accompanying hurt that just continues to hold on and it's settling on the inside of you and you know you're not being as effective as of a person as you'd like to be because of that how are you going to handle that now let me throw some thoughts at you some are going to be things that you might consider to be predictable that I would say some are going to be difficult okay first we're going to say when you look at your anger embrace it now when I say embrace it I don't mean hey you just be as angry as you want if that person doesn't like a dose of neural medicine that's too bad for for them no but what I am saying is sometimes that anger doesn't need to be ignored sometimes there's a legitimacy to the anger anger is after all tapped into your sense of self-preservation it's your way of saying I wish that I could be treated with a certain amount of respect hold on to that because it's not entirely wrong for you to feel what you feel the hurt the anger is part of your warning system that tells you I need to be careful about the kind of people that I give myself over to another thing I would say to you and this is part of the difficult piece of it and that is make sure that you let go of the identity as the wronged one okay now you have been wronged but you want to be careful that you don't let that become your entire identity you may have been victimized but you don't want to have the victim status as the centerpiece of your personality that's what narcissists do and so we're not going to deny the fact that you were wrong if you were victimized we want to say though that doesn't have to be the sum total of who you are and how you think of yourself and I you know and I know people who when they have been on receiving end of something legitimately wrong that's all that that you ever hear about them we don't want that to be completely the case instead you've heard me talk use the term in past in the past videos about radical acceptance there are times when you need to practice radical acceptance this is a hard one and when I say radical acceptance you accept the fact that what happened happened doesn't mean that you accept the immorality of that person's actions or the lack of Ethics that that person used but like rather than saying well I wish I'd never been exposed to that well you were and so you want to accept the fact that it's there now having said that that leads directly to another thought and that is you also want to stay away from all or nothing thinking many times when you have this anger when you have this pain on the inside of yourself it's easy to conclude my life is ruined that's a pretty strong uh expression or nobody's ever going to care about me again or nobody's ever going to believe in me again and again that can be a little bit too exaggerated make sure that even though there's legitimacy to your feeling that you don't just run with it to the extent that you forget well wait a minute I'm not completely ruined because there are other elements of me that I can tap into there are other people out there who might want to actually learn how to love me and be good with me and reciprocate with good characteristics also as part of your recovery from your anger make sure that you avoid winner loser distinctions or pronouncements you're not a loser you're not a winner that person's not the winner they're not the loser we're not going to think in terms of competition you're hurt you're in pain but you're not a loser do not allow yourself to think that way and do not let yourself something I've got to make that person the loser because that means you're just still playing the game and then finally and this is another difficult one and that is with most narcissists you have to give up hope for change okay uh you you like to think well maybe if I say the right things or do the right things that person's Gonna See the Light every now and then that might happen but in most cases it doesn't uh let's keep in mind that the anger is there because you're you've been repeatedly exposed to somebody who doesn't do life well it's probably going to continue so I'm hoping that you can take some of the pain and the anger that you have experienced and I don't mean this to be a cliche at all and turn it into an opportunity to deepen your sense of empathy I know what I feel like when I've been hurt and I know that there are others who have been there I'd like to be a giver of comfort to other individuals and then other individuals and then ultimately I am not about to let a troubled soul determine who I'm going to be and what my future is going to be and that's the ultimate way that you deal with your anger it's a matter of saying I have higher priorities kindness goodness respect and dignity I'm going to live into that now I know that this is a difficult topic and it's one that requires a good deal of introspection if you've not already hit the the Subscribe button I would encourage you to do so Gus and I will keep more videos coming at you when you're dealing with something like this it could very well be that you need a therapist that can help you and I'm so pleased that I've been sponsored for years now by the people at betterhelp.com I've received much good feedback from these individuals uh from individuals who've been through that uh that better help allows you to have a phone or video consultation it's accessible it's affordable in fact if you go through a link you get a 10 discount please seek the help that you uh that you would richly deserve in addition I also have my uh my uh therapeutic workshops or courses we have the the classes it's like signing up for long-term classes where you have multiple videos and written documents Ready Set connect about making good connections this is me about establishing your boundaries free to be finding yourself despite the controllers we also we'll have my webinars that have been presented that you can still purchase my podcast uh the the website with many articles we also have my books and plenty of resources I know that you can have this lingering emotion I don't falter for having that but at the same time you want to decide I want to have balance in my life I'm going to allow for a certain amount of motion to be there but I also want my decency to be what I'm defined by and if you can think that way and commit yourself to an ongoing sense of growth and maturation and insight it can position you to become a person of peace [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 129,609

Keywords: narcissism in relationships, anger management, passive aggressive, covert narcissist, gaslighting, Dr. Les Carter, psychology, mental health, self esteem

Id: Ge_E-UtUuU0

Length: 14min 22sec (862 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 08 2023