What A Narcissist's Anger Really Means

being very entitled and controlling narcissists have no difficulty stepping all over your personal boundaries so that's why I put together an extensive video class called this is me it has 25 videos written documents guided questions I'm going to teach you how to have healthy boundaries there's a link below and I hope you'll find it to be quite therapeutic [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] as you surely know one of the things that we can say about narcissism is that there's a direct correlation between a person's level of narcissism and their inability to manage anger successfully I just want you to stop and think and and I'm asking this I already know the answer do narcissists have anger issues and the answer is oh yeah whether they call it frustration or annoyance or irritability or whether they're being impatient or they're raging or whether they're being passive aggressive or holding grudges they've got plenty of anger issues and it has many different ways of showing up another question we might ask is well do narcissists have a keen insight into the whys that are behind their experience of anger and the answer is well we got a problem there no they don't have Insight they have lots of anger issues but when it comes to them asking well what's going on when I feel angry what am I trying to accomplish and why do I have the feeling in the intensity that I do what does that tell me about who I am they don't have any kind of insight nor they do they even have the inclination where that question would even be on their radar screen or we might ask another question when narcissists feel angry are they inclined to take responsibility for the emotion and in their mind it's like no I don't need to because I'm going to make you take responsibility for what I feel and so they they tend to be blame shifters and they're uh they absolutely will not say you know I got a problem what they'll say is you have a problem if we could just solve your problems and I'd quit feeling angry or would you ask another question and that is when a narcissist is feeling angry would you ever think that they would look at that as an opportunity for growth and stretching their mind and again it's like no I don't think I need to do that I need to make you conform to me but you see what I'm getting at narcissists have plenty of anger issues but when it comes to them uh interpreting what it is they don't have good interpretive skills and many unfinished or unresolved issues lie on the inside of that narcissist then that come out in the midst of their anger and because they have such poor awareness and insight and responsibility for their emotion they they have all of these hidden elements that are there and it's going to be so important for you to know what's really going on in the mind and in the backdrop with that narcissist that keeps their anger in such a Perpetual state of discomfort what's really going on that really honestly when a narcissist is feeling angry now if if we could get the narcissist to be super uh insightful and super open and honest about what's happening in their anger there are multiple things that they would have to confess I'm going to go ahead and talk with you about what I see happening uh if that a narcissist could be uh honest enough and I'm hoping that you can be able to understand that whenever they try to put responsibility for their anger unto you that it's like no there's a whole lot more going on for example one of the first things if a narcissist could be honest in the way that they manage their anger about the way that they manage their anger one of the first things that that narcissist would admit is my anger illustrates how I'm in a great deal of pain now they cannot say that out loud but you can see that that's exactly what's going on and I want to take you back to preschool toddler kids if you have a four-year-old kid that you know a playmate or a sibling has said or done something that our parent has said or done something that they don't like what they'll do is they'll have an outburst they'll get angry and they'll yell or they'll complain and gripe and say no and they'll say no with a you know bad look on their face they're not capable they're not articulate enough yet at age four to say hey Mom or Dad or whoever it is um what you said is kind of hurting me so let's sit down and talk about that so that we can have a good meeting of the minds well they're four years old they can't talk like that when you have an adult who goes straight into that narcissistic anger they're like that four-year-old kid they're hurting on the inside but instead of saying that they can't they can't articulate it and so the anger comes out but make no mistake it's their way of saying I'm in I'm in strain I'm in difficulty I don't really know how to handle this situation very well in front of me but I just don't know how to put words to it it just comes out as a childish Outburst of anger now another thing that's behind the scenes and what their anger really tells us the narcissists if they were honest would say something like I fear that you're judging me right now that's what's going on when they have the anger when you say we have a problem or there's something that I'd like for us to consider or that didn't work for me rather than them saying okay talk with me about it in their mind it's like you're judging me are you you're deeming me to be inadequate you're deeming to be no good what's going on with you anyway now why is it that you can never appreciate what I bring and on and on they can go and you're thinking I'm just trying to talk procedure here I'm trying to have to develop a sense of coordination this is not about me judging oh you're judging me and they have such a fear of being shamed they have such a fear of being deemed no good or unworthy that the anger is their way of saying I I don't respond well to that or in addition as you're trying to understand their anger if the narcissist could be honest enough they would actually say well actually when I'm angry it's because I'm arrogant enough to assume that you're supposed to think just like me and so the anger is coming from their place of arrogance in other words they want to be superior it's like I think really well you don't you're beneath me and I'm I'm uh above you don't you forget it that's what's really going on as they experience anger and then right along the heels of that the anger is their way of trying to communicate or convey I need to be the one who is in control here in other words I have to have the final word how many times have you had a dispute with an angry narcissist and you know they've got to have the last word and they have to make sure that they ran it home and uh that leads to another hidden thought that's part of their anger and in their if they could be honest it would be and I fear you being in control of me uh their their fear-based uh they operate with a great deal of defenses they don't want you to have any kind of say because in in their mind it's like where you're trying to take me out of my well-crafted false front that I'm trying to put on here and I don't do that very well likewise behind the scenes in their anger what they're really wishing to convey is you need to hear me even though I don't need to hear you in other words we'll have to talk about a double standard it's their way of saying look why don't we just establish since this is me and since I'm so smart and I'm so good and excellent and I'm the best person empathy is not necessary here because that just means it's you and I don't need to consider you because I'm the ultimate and there's a gross arrogance there but it's a false arrogance but there's only one person in this equation that matters and that's me it's not you I don't need to understand you then likewise part of their anger that is a part of the message that's conveyed by their anger is they're they're really saying I can't work with you because I can't trust now notice I didn't say I can't trust you although since you're on the stage with them that's obviously implied these can't trust in general uh you happen to be the person in front of but they don't trust anybody else either rather than them saying you know I like being open with people and I like being vulnerable and sharing my needs and thoughts and feelings it's like nope I haven't gotten to that level of Enlightenment yet and tomorrow's not looking any better so they don't trust and then also if they could be honest what's behind the scenes in their anger it's it really is their way of saying whenever I am being overpowering toward you keep in mind that is in direct proportion to me feeling inadequate they can't access that thinking at all so here you have these angry individuals with their High need for control and low empathy and entitlement and they want to make it appear as though you're the problem and all of their emotional turmoil is because of you keep in mind there's so much going on behind the scenes with that narcissist that they're not coming to terms with that they've dismissed that they uh they're in too much of that pain to uh to being honest about you know the crazy thing is having anger it in and of itself is not always wrong there are times when we have our frustrations and our annoyances and we need to sit down and talk it through with each other that's okay but narcissists because they're so dishonest with themselves they're so fear-based and shame-based and they have this need for protective control they've never learned to uh to manage the anger much beyond that little four-year-old that just has outbursts because they're confused keep in mind what you're dealing with you do need to have your anger in the sense of healthy assertiveness and boundaries and standing firmly for your convictions that that's your response in reverse and I'm hoping that in your mindset you can think well I'm I'm working on my anger and I'm also working in a healthy way and I'm working on having higher priorities like decency and you know my DRC dignity respect and civility that's what I stand for and then when you look over there at that narcissist who remains in their unregulated anger and it's like they're they're sticking with it and they're holding on to it for all it's worth it's like okay if you are unable to join me in a healthy approach toward anger and conflict resolution I'm still standing for DRC anyway I I'm sorry you're struggling so much but that's not my task to have to uh to to satisfy my task is for me to be a healthy person I hope the videos like this can give you some good awareness of what you're dealing with when you're able to see behind the scenes then hopefully they can't pull the wool over your eyes quite as much and that's what we're trying to accomplish here with these videos if you've not already hit the Subscribe button I would encourage you to do so hit the like button too that helps us likewise when you have this churning emotion that's there if you have a need for counseling or therapy that goes along with that I would encourage you to do so we're sponsored by the people at betterhelp.com there's a link below it's an online therapy service and and many of you now have taken advantage of that and I've gotten some good feedback from you on that so go between beneath go into the link you'll be up there'll be a whole host of licensed professional therapists that could assist you I would strongly encourage you to get the help you need likewise I have my therapeutic videos it's like signing up for an online class that you go through at your own pace each video has multiple each class has multiple videos with written documents and guided questions it's meant to have a strong introspective kind of effect for you we have Ready Set connect about connection skills this is me about those boundaries free to be finding yourself despite the controllers we also have our webinars we have my podcast and uh we have the um the website with many articles in addition to that we also have my books plenty of resources okay you can tell a whole lot about a person's level of maturity about watching the way that they manage their anger and I'm you know where that narcissist is coming from and they can be honest with themselves I hope that you can be a person that's in a growth mode that says I'm going to get on top of mine you're going to I want to manage it cleanly and in doing so it positions you to be much more uh steady in your emotional responses to people and ultimately I hope that it allows you to be an ongoing person of Peaks [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 112,219

Keywords: covert narcissism, malignant narcissism, passive aggressive, conflict resolution, anger management, mental health, Psychology, Dr. Les Carter

Id: ewjjIoavB7o

Length: 13min 53sec (833 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 17 2022