What Is The Funniest Argument You've Heard In Court? (Lawyer Stories r/AskReddit)

lawyers offered it what's the most ridiculous argument you've heard in court waiting for my case to be called I heard a wild argument it was a domestic violence case on the petitioner person seeking protection was accusing respondent ex-boyfriend of abuse specifically he head-butted her respondent argued back by saying seriously honestly judge I couldn't have because look at my head it's huge a head this big would leave a mark honestly judge look at my head to which the judge responded son I have a big head look at my head this went on for a minute now the story doesn't stop here it just gets better the respondent then argues that petitioner is keeping him from seeing their daughter and that she went as far as putting her uncle as the baby's father on the birth certificate at this point I look around with shock the clerk's mind is slowly grasping what he said and the judge nods his head with a typical Tuesday smirk I am a lawyer colleague argued that it wasn't animal cruelty to shoot a dog because the dog didn't suffer this wasn't like a euthanasia situation rather a robbery gone bad the judge entertained it for a second and then came to her senses there is famous case before the Danish High Court where a woman was our pet by 8 bikers on a beach the defense argued that she had wanted it because she willingly put herself into a situation where she was alone with 8 men the female prosecutor then casually looked around counted there was 11 men and she was the only female and asked so you are saying I am asking for it now the story says that was the only time all the judges have burst into laughter in any case safe to say the defense argument didn't go over very well with the judges I'm a lawyer the most ridiculous arguments I've seen was one I actually made one of my clients got busted cooking him this was a very clear-cut case they actually caught him in the middle of a cook no way he was getting out of this one even worse he was cooking at home and children were there yep the de loaded him up with felonies there was no bail and he was being held in the county jail my client knew he was freaked he had been planning to get married a few weeks after he got bus did my client asks me if he can get released for 24 hours so he can still get married I tell him that I'll ask but that there's no way in frickin heck they'll let him out first I asked that there if they will allow it nope they laugh so I file a motion with the court now I knew the judge was a crusty old conservative Family Values kind of guy who also has a raging erection for drug crime there was no law involved but I put together an argument about the sanctity of marriage and how the state should encourage marriage at all times and that sort of thing we have a hearing and I make the argument that there is totally opposed and calls it ridiculous and the judge grants it the judge actually decided to allow my client out for 24 hours to get married he had to surrender at the county jail at 8 a.m. the next day and some other conditions but still he was allowed out everyone is stunned nobody can believe it the day of the wedding comes my client gets out gets married then goes back to the jail everything went exactly like how it was supposed to which is also pretty shocking that's actually kind of nice if you ignore the part about this being a person who uses their family's home as our in-lab public defender checking in apart from the usual sociopaths who argue that there's nothing wrong with cheating people stealing and screwing people over and apart from the constitutionalists who want me to argue that because they put their hands over their eyes the government can't see them anymore there are some good stories I had a client accused of hit-and-run damage to unattended property to wit a stop sign post my client hadn't parked his car in front of a gas pump and walked into a kwik-e-mart the car rolled away from the pump without him rolled over the curb and then over a stop sign and into a ditch my client ran out of the store got in car and promptly sped off his driver's license was also suspended at the moment this was all captured on video by a conveniently timed passing city bus my guy wants me to argue that it wasn't hit-and-run because he wasn't driving the car when the thing got hit he's got exactly half a point I had to tell him that his argument solved most half of the problem because it sure as heck was him driving for the run part of the hit-and-run he took the plea deal not a lawyer but my uncle is he had to defend a man accused of bestiality with a horse defense was that his dong was too small to actually achieve climax in the horse's anus ergo he didn't actually have intercourse with it but I mean he was giving it animals with washing up liquid and even had a little stool to stand on when he was ready to go at it so the defense didn't really work in his favor neither did the CCTV footage whenever I try to Frick a horse I make sure there are no cameras around I mean this is pretty basic stuff here actual lawyer here but this one comes from my time as a law student as a 1l they send you to go once a day in a courtroom to see what it's really like one of the things nobody tells you is how much talking goes on in courtrooms when motion hearings are going on rather than an outright trial there's a noted buzz throughout the room usually of attorneys speaking to their clients about how the process was going to go I happened upon a domestic-violence earring when the poor victim took the stand that buzzing stopped you could hear a pin drop as she was sworn in and began testifying her attorney said the stage for the morning and then asked her and then what happened the victim looked right at the judge and said I made him hit me Your Honor there was an audible gasp the judge probably overstepping his bounds a little here intervened in the questioning to say to her mom forgive me but I feel like this is an important point you need to know dear you can't make anyone hit you and you didn't make him hit you the woman instead of consoled looked completely baffled she waited a few beats and then finally said to the judge I'm pretty sure I did I mean I jumped on his back and hit him over the head with a frying pan after all Your Honor in the entire courtroom burst into laughter and the judge conceded that she had in facts made him hit her not an attorney but my grandfather told me a story about how he was into court in the early 1950s to defend himself for a traffic violation the police officer used evidence against him that he had been rampaging all around town for the past few months but the cop was such a nice guy he had been letting him go my grandfather's response was judge I'm not sure about how much rampaging I've been doing but it wasn't in your city I've been helping to rebuild Germany for the past 18 months I just got back in town on Friday my parents are both lawyers was in court with my dad when I was younger dad is throwing out rejection after rejection of the opposing counsel during cross-examination judges sustaining all of them several hours into this the judge is getting restless and asks the opposing counsel to hurry it up opposing counsel responds well if mr. SERR name would stop objecting perhaps I could get through my examination judge did not like this she lays into the guy if you would stop asking objectable questions mr. surname wouldn't have to object hurry this I am NOT going to sit here all day was pretty cool to watch as a kid dude got roasted dead won that trial and a lawyer but this happened a little prior to me starting my current job so this is secondhand a friend of mine is an author and last year prosecuted several chiropractors for insurance fraud or turns out there were sovereign citizen types who insisted on representing themselves at one point a defendant got up to the lectern and started lecturing the federal judge that because there was fringe on the flag in the courtroom the court was an admiralty caught lacking jurisdiction over him bizarre later pled out in all our serving time and a lawyer the highlights real I wasn't drunk I was stumbling because I was shot in the Cuba revolution ten years ago this didn't match up because we weren't ten year post Cuban Revolution also being shot doesn't make you smell of cheap beer I didn't know H was a controlled substance so having H wasn't a crime I'm an addict so it's okay I had coke I need it as a medication my designated driver got drunk so I had to drive drunk being prescribed medication and going to a therapist for a diagnosed sex addiction doesn't make you a sex addict because I'm Irish there's a presumption I'm drunk to an irish-american de police officer and judge marijuana will be legal soon so you can't charge me now I didn't personally sign the Constitution so it doesn't apply to me and my favorite if I'm a rest LLL be violated on probation so you can't charge me with a crime not you can't ask him please don't but actually it would be illegal to do so I am a lawyer the state tried to argue that probable cause exists simply because there is a police report alleging the crime but from the fact that a police officer filed this report it is a reasonable inference that the crime took place as described good allegations are self-proving now well wrap up court then I guess no need to hear any more motions to dismiss ever I wonder why no other prosecutor in 240 years of jurisprudence ever thought of that before 25 year old assistant district attorney who went to the worst law school in this state a taxi driver was charged with assault for pelting stone at a bus driver after a minor accident between both vehicles defense lawyer Your Lordship the bus driver was injured on right side of his neck it is not possible for my clients to cause the injury the bus is right hand drive and the door on left side of the bus was open and driver was in drivers seat state your lordship is counsel unaware that buses have windows defense the window was closed judge really how many times in this very hot and humid Indian city have you seen a bus drive around with windows closed unless it was raining fence I request adjournment Your Lordship not a lawyer but I thought this was a very strange defense Gary he'd Nick had a history of mental illness but nonetheless made a fortune in the stock market and had enough to retire indefinitely in the late eighties he decided to kidnap five women and chained them to the wall in the basement where he are paid them every day as well as tortured them he was fond of electrocuting them for not getting pregnant when one of the women starved to death he forced the other women to eat her body mixed with dog food another woman when getting her routine electrocution torture was accidentally electrocuted to death one of the remaining three victims asked if she could visit family if she promised to come back he agreed and she called the police in court he claimed that he had committed no crime because the women were already chained in the basement when he moved in there's a case clock made in the 18th century that has been in my family for over a hundred years the firstborn child normally inherits the clock that is until my grandparents had my uncle my uncle has been a Frick up since he was a teenager and always has relied on his parents to help him out no matter his age when he was in his late 20s he flew to Taiwan and spent all of his money on stupid crap and needed to have my grandmother wire him money for a plane ticket all the time that he couldn't pay his mortgage on a house that he could never afford and also quit his job expecting my grandmother to pay for it she gave him $20 K in agreement that if he didn't repay her then he give up his right to inherit the clock over the years he seemed to forget that the clock would never be his and had a friend appraised the clock with the appraisal calling it uncle's name clock uncle never repaid the money he borrowed he peed my grandmother off enough for her to write him out of the wool for tangible personal property aka items the clock he takes the executor of the estate my dad to court for the clock my dad just has his attorney represent him uncle wants to be allowed in the courtroom with his attorney but my dad's attorney says no that's not fair since my dad isn't there judge agrees but Uncle pout about it and accepts the trial lasts no longer than 10 minutes the will is evidence saying that uncle has no claim to the clock uncle's attorney submits the appraisal but my dad's attorney gets it thrown out because it's not crew father ownership and it was written by my uncle and his friend attorneys and judges agree that he has no claim to the clock my uncle is allowed in but wants to go on the record even though the case is settled my dad's attorney roles arise but agrees he states that they were in court because he was supposed to inherit the clock that did not dad's attorney states that he has no legal claim to it uncle's words were well I suppose it was always just matter of ethics and legality my dad's attorney baffled States then what are we doing in court homeboy got clocked blocked my dad told me a story in which his opponent claimed that the Surgeon General's 1964 warning was never released in the New York Times he did this through use of a book and he claimed the headline was not in there and did not exist my father spent the entirety of the next night looking for the book found it bought it found the headline for which he was looking and absolutely demolished the argument the next day by showing the headline to everyone currently studying law one of my teeth has told me about a case he had while working for the state where the defendant tried to claim that being an orphan had given him severe PTSD and mental illness and he was unfit to stand trial unfortunately he was on trial for murdering his parents so it didn't really fly but not a lawyer but was the child in a custody case between my parents my mother's lawyer argued for and had put in the final agreement that I had to add my mother as a facebook friend you have been visited by the dog oh of exquisite pizza tastes good memes and tasty streets will come to you but only if you comment eat tasty Papa if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check out another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

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Id: 2JcRsrnrfMA

Length: 14min 47sec (887 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 03 2019