What Badass Thing Did You Accidentally Come up With?

what's the most badass thing you've accidentally said in the heat of the moment i worked at a bookstore and a customer asked me how often do the periodicals come out i deadpanned periodically and he asked to speak to my manager worth it back in high school i was a slow fat kid for pay weed jog about a km to the beach have a swimming lesson then jog back i was the last one back to the school grounds and the teacher was standing at the gate he told me that cause i was too slow he was going to lock the gate and i'd have to jog to the next one 200 meters away i said that i'd consider him locking me out of school grounds to be a suspension and just go home he let me in straight away kinda wished he'd tried calling my bluff so i could have followed through and just gone home i work in waste management i'm also a rather small person like they don't make clothes at old navy in my size small i was wheeling a stack of drums out to our loading dock navigating pretty much purely on instinct since i couldn't see over or around them lo and behold there's someone there chatting with the shipping people i run straight into him i'm surrounded by everyone in shipping some fairly big dudes and i feel amazingly embarrassed i leaned around the drums to look at the guy i hit and without even thinking said the frick you want me to do see through m everyone burst out laughing and the guy even opened the door to the dock for me every time i see him now he pretends to duck you've earned the respect of your co-workers for life me and my girlfriend at the time were having a discussion about her going back to school she kept putting it off every semester and one day she got angry at me trying to get her to actually go back not just talk about it and she yelled rome wasn't built in a day and i responded yeah but it was built and a decade later i still think of that she did end up going back to school got her masters even she's married now with twins just a real butthole haha so awesome and so close to the full quote rome wasn't built in a day but they were laying bricks every hour kind of a proud moment for me i was always really shy in school had very few friends was bullied a lot my mum passed away when i was 14 and i kept it to myself not wanting sympathy or more bullying for it someone found out not sure how they then said in one of our mutual classes that i should just die like my stupid mum did the whole class heard and was shocked even the teacher was like a deer in headlights i immediately got up to leave but before i left i turned to her got up close and said i've seen what cancer does to people it hurts and i would never wish that on anyone not even you and i turned and walked out a lot of people have me some respect for the fact that i stood up to myself although people then knew my mum had died which wasn't great i ended up leaving the school a few months later anyways but i was glad that i stood up for myself at a party a few years back someone stole my friend's purse her boyfriend found the guys who took it and got it back for her but he was still in an angry drunken rage and was continuing to escalate the situation when he was well outnumbered my friend finds me and says i'm afraid boyfriend is about to get into a fight i need your help stop him please i stand up and i tell her i can't promise you i can stop him from fighting but i can promise you i won't let him lose before walking off to find him ultimately no fight actually broke out and i didn't realize that i had basically said a cheesy one-liner until after the fact when my friend told me how intense that line was i didn't mean for it to sound so dramatic i just wanted to let her know i wouldn't let him get his butt kicked i didn't mean to make it sound like i was about to demolish three guys by myself like i'm some sort of action hero i just imagined you taking off your sunglasses after saying that line and dramatic music starting idk about badass but i years ago i worked at a hard rock cafe and we often had pre-shift server meetings outdoors on a patio and my while boss was droning on about us selling more overpriced plastic cups i was staring off at the spinning globe on top of the building that says save the planet on it i interrupted my boss by blurting out if hard rock is trying to save the planet why do we waste so much paper which was really directed at my manager my manager my manager today by manager they somehow didn't realize it was about them specifically and passed the comment up the food chain which ended up resulting in the entire company changing their payroll system to paperless globally as a reward i was given a pin shaped like a light bulb that said bright idea on it thanks i guess go wait with mommy daddy might be going back to jail again guy pushed my five-year-old daughter at the fish store and she started crying when he heard me say that he ran out of the store i've never been to jail before we had a overly dramatic neighbor who always claimed she was sick and dying my mom came to see my kids in the middle of battling stage four lung cancer the neighbor pulled her hi rita so glad to see you did jason tell you that i am dying my mom looked right at her smiled and said me too dear but not today never more proud of her this one had a little setup but i think it's funny enough to share at a family vacation my grandmother was giving me grief phil not remembering her birthday i've never been good with birthdays after telling me it was the password to her iphone she wanted me to take a picture with it which is why i needed the password while she was distracted i opened up the settings changed her password to my birthdate and then set her phone down queue 15 minutes later she's trying to get into her phone and it's not working suspecting mischief she grumpily asks me if i've changed the password to her phone in front of our entire family i admit that i did well what is it she asked impatiently it's my birthdate she sat there in stunned silence for about 15 seconds not being able to remember my birthday before our family exploded laughing was a good time biggest or no reverse card evil mayo a friend of mine was giving me crap while we were all bowling off the cuff i yelled at him you're adopted your parents don't even like you he laughed because you now friends like three hours later it hit me and i turned around and said holy crap xx you are adopted i completely forgot i'm so sorry dude which he thought made the whole situation even funnier crap i've made an exact mistake like this except it was more of an insult war and we weren't quite friends i was eating mcdonald's with a few friends and i started choking the only thing i managed to say in the whole ordeal was i'm mick chicken a long time ago i was walking down a side street in a medium-sized town with my girlfriend a car was parked ahead with the front of the car facing us as we approached i could see two kids maybe in their late teens and instantly could tell they were likely going say something as my gf was rather attractive as soon as we come up next to them i hear hey baby ditch the zero and come hang with the hero i could feel my blood boil but i kept my cool and calmly said sorry buddy i'm not gay and don't call my girlfriend a zero the dude's friend started laughing at him and my girlfriend made a sarcastic crying face then we both started to laugh hey baby ditch zero and come hang with the hero has to be the most 80s or 90s cat call possible when i was in high school i joined the show choir band as the electric guitar player i was generally a pretty shy kid so being surrounded by the show choir crowd was a bit of an adjustment i remained mostly pretty quiet at rehearsals and such and just kind of showed up and did my thing during one of our competitions we had just received results from the daytime round and were told we had scored just a few points short of first place as our director made his way through the feedback from the judges one thing that was mentioned was great band but need more guitar one of the singers turned to me and said dude you should rip a solo in finals i politely shook it off as i figured there was no way this idea would fly with the director but before i could get that thought across there was already more singers chiming in and chattering over it i figured what the heck and spoke up to the team saying i was willing to give it a try there was some awkward silence in an effort to break it up i muttered the judges said they want more guitar i think i can provide that and the room erupted everyone went out fired up and we performed easily our best show of the year i played the solo during one of the dance breaks at the end and got a big raw from the crowd to twice the cake devastatingly we came in second and certainly felt robbed but the guitar solo ended up becoming a mainstay for our show after that around the time i was 12 i was at a family party with my dad and aunts uncles my dad told me that one of my uncles owned several bars my response oh it's good that he got into a business that he knows something about i had no idea what i really was saying i thought i was giving him a compliment when i was seven some girls were bullying me at school i just learned the word mutual one of the bullies said we don't like you and i said the feelings mutual and then walked off i'm 37 now and i still remember it i used to work in a preschool and this kid was being an absolute snot telling kids he didn't like them giving them thumbs down then he tried it on a three-year-old kid i don't like you three-year-old well my mommy likes me it shut him right up partly accidental was doing a university project had to do a large presentation in front of maybe 50 60 other students about a possible business of manufacturing an education toy for kids it was a bit of a train wreck as no one else in the group had rehearsed or even read the script as with all presentations they asked for questions at the end and i stepped up to answer questions there was one guy at the back that always asked awkward questions like what if someone were to injure themselves and sue you or have you factored in matching employees pensions it was meant to be a fun project for first-year students they weren't expecting tons of detail when it came to asking questions i volunteered to answer them the guy opened right away asking awkward questions but he misjudged how particular i am with details i asked the lecturer hosting the session if i could load up my spreadsheet he allowed it that's when the guy realized he had asked the wrong guy i had had made an automatic spreadsheet that would work out how many people were needed how many machines what house people could work rolling production over 24 hours and overlapping shifts to ensure it all worked at maximum efficiency add to that it worked out costs complying to the law exactly including pension contributions tax amounts holidays time off work due to illness etc insurance rent and more when it came to asking his group questions i asked him every single thing he had overlooked legally like time off for work pay increases etc on the way out the other groups gave me a smile as it had shut him right up love it i had a presentation in front of the class and my topic was drug use at the end a lady asks what's the most used drug and my reply without thinking weed done i actually said nothing i was on my motorcycle in traffic on a wet overpass with short jersey walls guy behind me was driving a [ __ ] too fast and slammed on his brakes sliding into me but no damage as he was going slow enough to touch and push me about five feet before finally coming to a stop the angle had me going straight forward so i did not fall had it been much faster i would have been thrown over the edge to my death so obviously i was not happy i turned off the engine got off the bike and slowly walked over to the driver that hit me it's only a few feet and when he saw me coming to him he furiously started raising his manual window so i could just see him struggling to pump the winder when i got there i just knocked on his window pointed at him and turned around and walked away he looked terrified i didn't think about it until later a guy who just hit in a car wearing a black helmet with shaded visor black heavy thick jacket black heavy riding pants road crafter jacket and pants black thick and metal studded gloves and black leather boots knocks on your window and points at you for being a supreme dumb boss i had no idea i just wanted to talk to him be a bit angry but tell him i was okay then take a sec to verify my bike was okay as well that'll teach them got to work one morning my chosen football team had thrashed my boss's chosen team i gave him a load of crap for it humorously of course my boss is great he gave me some crap back and told me to do a stock take on all items we have beginning with the letter c i pointed at him and said one luckily he took it the correct way and laughed a lot it took me way too long to figure out that you were calling him a c well done there's no way you're this much of in butthole naturally you must go home and practice i said this to a co-worker who was throwing a fit and bullying a quieter co-worker because he was payoff he had a habit of just being a giant douche anytime things didn't go his way this comment peed him off so much he just stormed into his office and stayed there the rest of the day when for the rest of us he was in there practicing some more this was back in my junior year of college at the beginning of the semester i was introducing myself to my very intimidating biochemistry professor guy was a genius but also a hardest students were all terrified to ask him questions because he was known for grilling people and if they hadn't made enough effort beforehand he'd send them out of his office to learn on their own as i walked into his office he was sorting through some boxes and made a really sarcastic comment regarding stuffing me in the box and shipping it off somewhere he looked up for my response and i just blurted out without thinking i wouldn't mind going somewhere nice dude laughed so hard it actually startled me a little we got along pretty well for the remainder of the semester so it all worked out really well it's amazing what a little laughter can do to ease tension he needed that to an aggressive colleague i have to repeat myself to my son 20 times a day too but he's three years old what's your excuse one time i popped the blood vessels in my eye and had blood dripping down my face and some kid says hey man you're bleeding to which i responded crap colder fooled me then i fricked it up by touching my face and seeing the blood and immediately going oh crap guess you were right not bad ass and to be honest their comeback was better however the exchange tickled me so i'm in a university sociology lecture i'm decidedly working class from the black country generally a more working class areas of the west midlands england and in the lecture as part of my social work degree two girls behind are completing a sociology degree have a much posher southern accent and clearly a bit better off than me anyway the lectures about class pronounced cl buzz by myself and class by them annoyed by their constant chatting i turn around and say there's no freaking r in class without missing a beat one of the girls shoot back yes but there is a g in freaking i'm female they were female this was well over a decade ago no cheesy or vulgar chat up lines were involved then you better compete in freaking spelling bee long story short my friend would share my carnal co-page with other people which i would rather he didn't got fed up and ended up blurting out just because you don't have your own stories to share doesn't mean you have to share mine this one's my favorite it wasn't something i said but did i'm a teacher and one of my students kept tossing a little toy up and down during my lesson which was distracting her classmates they were all gathered on the carpet after giving her a few reminders etc i wasn't even thinking and just snatched the toy right out of the air also didn't even stop teaching although all the kids went on and i felt like a badass of course i returned the toy to her later that day love that kid in middle school i had a class simply called reading class that was taught by a conservative christian lady i was reading jurassic park and the teacher asked to see my book i compiled like a good student the next day she gave it back and said you can no longer read this book in this class because they use god's name in vain i looked at her square in the eye and replied wouldn't you cuss if dinosaurs were chasing after you i don't know probably be too out of breath for that but man would i be thinking it about 25 years ago i was in grade 9 and my parents bought me a pair of air maximum i'm a female but i had picked a pair of macs that were supposed to be for males because i preferred the color of the shoes i was super pumped to get those shoes we didn't have lots of money and it was a pretty extravagant purchase anyway i was at our local shopping center and i ran into a group of guys i went to high school with they were a real bunch of [ __ ] that thrived on dumping on other people one of the guys had on the same pair of shoes and said to me do you know you're wearing men's shoes to which i quickly replied then why the frick are you wearing them the other guys pee themselves laughing and it still stands out in my mind after all these years man that was ice cold i bet his friends still bring that one up if i was best man at the guy's wedding i'd probably even sneak a reference into the speech respect should be earned not given to some old lady at an extended family gathering she was saying some mean stuff about the homeless where she lived and i told her how inconsiderate she was then she told me to respect her and not rebut her in the famous words of ali g r e s t e c p i was the lawyer in this criminal case arising out the standing rock events that morning some lakota people had given us this traditional blessing to wish us well for the trial and there were five to seven activists sitting in the courtroom to watch and support us it happened that there was a certain digital document that i needed before the jury got back from a break and we didn't know just when the break would be over i remember turning to the supporters holding up a thumb drive and telling them exactly what i needed from the office across the street and how to get it i held out the thumb drive and with all the intensity of an ancient general sending his troops into battle said fastest runner go now this tiny little young woman grabbed the thumb drive and hauled but she got back before the jury returned at university we have to present our senior projects in front of the whole department stage fright sucks and everyone else had a more interesting project in my opinion the badass moment was that my name was misprinted on the schedule and i got welcomed to the stage under the wrong name the first thing i did was point to my real name on my presentation and say that's how my real name is spelt it's just pronounced weird a bunch of people laughed and i got commended by a few people for adding humor to the driest three hours of the year you see it's spelled raymond luxury yacht but it's pronounced throat warbler mangrove had an older lady road rage me long story short i pulled into a parallel space in front of the cop shop and she butt ended me going 30 but she wasn't done she backed out drove up the street turned around and then smashed into me head-on screeching the entire time the officers came out in time to see her smash me a second time i got out all shaky legged wide-eyed and scattered a cop came and helped me get up the curb while another was pulling the woman out of her vehicle she was screaming about young people being bad drivers screaming at me being a disrespecting millennial i replied mama i may be a millennial but at least i won't be in jail for child endangerment you freaking musty bag of skin she didn't realize my four-year-old was in the car the cop busted up laughing as she was screeching about my foul language i went in for the dirty word kill calling her a slimy cm sock a cobwebbed old frog ball whatever i could think of the cop admonished me but was still chuckling i was pretty sure this lady was purple she was so angry i went to her court date she lost her license permanently already had 10 points had to do 80 hours of anger management 120 hours of community service and was credited for three days in jail she was 84. at work when in a somewhat heated discussion of why things kept going wrong at a small company upper management said something to the effect why does this keep happening it's idiot proof and i replied we need to stop hiring new idiots to test if that's true the context was please stop trying to find people to actually test if it's idiot proof please hire someone who is not a bigger idiot than the previous hire that was let go for being an idiot at first i work in a very small company and all of us are close enough outside of work that this wouldn't get me fired or reprimanded or anything second my point was that we should hire smarter people and instead of any joe that applied and then the procedure would be idiot proof we just needed a slightly smarter idiot thirdly the douglas adams quote is what i had in mind when i said it but i couldn't remember at the time where i had heard it from thanks to those that reminded me totally cool insult i feel the satisfaction although i wasn't there and i don't know you or the whole context i had a surgery and when i woke up the nurse was really cute so i started flirting with her with no success i had a second surgery and when i woke up it was the same cute nurse my first words to her were how many surgeries do i have to have before i get your phone number we've been married eight years now this is almost exactly how my dad found and married his third lisa i think he may have lifted his hospital gown as well i was working it for a company when network solutions had a massive dns outage my manager gm of the company smart but not it asked me what was wrong besides dns on the host side my response was dns acts like a phone book looking up our web address and directing it to the correct place the phone book is on fire first day on the job my ups caught on fire the second day it happened again it was the same ups they plugged it and after we put it out the first time after waking up from a concussion that left blood still dripping down my head an hour after in which period i went and proceeded to sit a history final exam tea is but a scratch if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then 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Channel: Updoot Everything

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Keywords: accidental badass moment, badass moment, badass moments reddit, accidental, badass, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: ZogH23o0r6s

Length: 24min 25sec (1465 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 17 2020