What Are Some Funny Break Up Stories You Have?

my now ex-girlfriend gave me the it's not you it's me excuse my response george costanza's word for word reply read it what are some funny breakup stories you have a girl i knew in high school had her boyfriend of three years break up with her and start going out with her best friend is reason because her friend had a mechanical arm and he thought it was cool i kid you not legitimate reason i dump a girl for a cyborg girl my first boyfriend and i went out for two months when we were both 15 no great love but we lost our virginities to each other anyway i was planning on dumping him and made a date to hang out i go to his apartment his mum tells me he went to band practice i call a couple of times get no answer send a pissy text go home he later logs on to msn chat and we talk for a bit i think frickit i can't break up online face to face it must be and try to make another date he then proceeds to dump me on msn chat i have never felt so robbed in my life i think he saw it coming and preempted your breakup i found out my girlfriend of five years and the guitar player of my band had been spending a little extra time on the side without saying anything about what i knew i told her we needed to take a break a week later we played a show with a ton of our friends from high school in the crowd including her so i decided to dedicate our song friends with benefits to the both of them and called them out for freaking right as we started the song she be lined for the door immediately it felt amazing haha your guitarist must have felt so crappy having to play through that well done my friend found out his girlfriend was cheating on him right before their anniversary so he wrapped up a duffel bag in a gift box and gave it to her when she opened it he said put all your crap in that and get the frick out of here or something to that effect we all got a good laugh but it was a seriously dysfunctional relationship i'm surprised a breakup story involving a duffel bag didn't end with a murder suicide but props to the dude for being awesome i once got broken up with via text more specifically my boyfriend sent a text message to the girl he wanted to frick telling her to text me telling me i was dumped and he didn't have enough credit to text me dodge a bullet their girlfriend i was with a guy for three years i had to move to a nearby city for a job but we tried to maintain a semi-long distance relationship one weekend he comes to visit me i had a bad cold but we still had sex sex with that guy was pretty amazing but the next day he broke up with me out of the blue wouldn't tell me why or what was wrong i stayed friends with him and a few months later he asked so who's matt i had no idea what he was talking about turns out during sex i was moaning oh man oh man but due to my head cold it came out as oh matt oh matt obviously we had some deeper issues like lack of communication and trust we did stay friends for a few years after this happened and the running joke was i'm going to go hang out with my buddy matt now the wife of a friend set me up with a very cute girl who was just too young for me 10 years and age gap even though she was lovely she never got any of my references so after a couple of weeks i was able to give her the bogo speech from casablanca with minor tweaks and she thought it was one of the best things anybody had ever said to her if only i'd had someone to walk away with that could have been the start of a beautiful friendship i had a boyfriend all throughout high school he was so respectful and totally understood that i wasn't ready to do anything past a casual makeout he never pressured me for anything physical he was in theater with me really funny and generally dressed well i thought i'd hit the jackpot we went to separate colleges and mine started a week before his the first week i told my new roommates i had a boyfriend and it would be long distance for a little bit they thought it was so romantic that we were staying together the day his parents dropped him off at school he called i was ready to hear all about the move in instead he broke up with me but it didn't go how i thought it would thanks so much little duck for all these years i wouldn't have made it through high school without you seriously i'm so glad we're free to date other people now i need your dorm address so i can send you some stuff of yours and some flowers i got you i will never forget your kindness what why are you breaking up with me hysterical crying haha good one i hope we both meet great guys bye then it hit me he was gay everyone knew but me i didn't date again until nearly the end of college and i made sure he wanted to sleep with me tl dr i was unwittingly a beard for four years my girlfriend called me up and said i'm just calling to inform you that your services will no longer be needed she was a pretty classy broad like that you should have told her that her vibrator won't ever actually love her when she was moving out she thought it would be okay to leave a bunch of her stuff just sitting on the curb while she made a trip to her new place with a colored of stuff the guys must have had a pickup truck or something because they even stole the bed wish i'd been in town to see the look on her face that day she deserved it i found out i was broken up with when he posted on reddit asking for help to track down a girl from okcupid so he could ask her out he knew she was a redditor but her inbox was full or something it got to the front page i downvoted it maybe this story isn't right for this thread i was dating this guy for about four or five months and decided to break up with him we were going for a drive and had parked by the river i was getting my nerve up when he blurts out let's get married i just kinda said um i was gonna break up with you we had just started discussing the situation him whining and me saying sorry it's not right for me when the song she freaking hates me comes on the radio he looks at me and very seriously says what did you call the station and have them play that for you he was pee and dead serious and i just busted out laughing you're giving me the it's not you it's me routine i invented it's not you it's me if it's anyone it's amy all right george it's you you are dang right it's me look i was just trying to i know what you were trying to do nobody does it better than me i'm sure you do it very well ha ha yes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out i dated a girl in college for a few weeks i was frisky and somewhat inattentive she was a little prudish and shy she broke up with me over the phone but as soon as i realized what was going down i stopped listening after we hung up i called a friend of mine to commiserate he asked why she broke up with me i said without realizing the coincidence she said i didn't listen to her or something i don't know i wasn't really listening you may call me harry this is in high school i was kinda a douche gf was breaking up with me and during it my friend john called he says that he just got fee tickets to the giants game and that if i want to go he was a block away from her house i told her listen i'm sorry you are going to break up with me but i'm going to go have some fun the car pulls up with jon into attractive albeit slightly young ladies i smuggly smile and shrug as i walk away from her house getting dumped like a boss one of my 13-year-old autistic boy students broke up with his 13 year old autistic girlfriend there are nine students in the class and during free time he wrote her an email he's learning how to read and write so it said ihtu idmpu translated i hate you i dump you i thought it was great right to the point they broke up because she didn't like johnny cash i thought that was legit that is always a valid reason for a breakup this isn't exactly a breakup story because we were never actually girlfriend boyfriend i met this girl at a nightclub and we had a physical spark with some similar interests but not much more than that kind of surface interaction i told her i wanted to keep things casual go out together and have some fun etc and she said that's what she wanted too so after going out a few times together in the course of a month most of which ended with her spending the night she called me up the following evening after one of our dates and said she had written a poem for me i said oh that's really sweet thank you and then she started reciting a poem telling me that i am essentially a heartless monster taking advantage of her and viewing her as nothing but a hole to fill which to be fair was about half of the relationship but i did like having someone to go to the movies with too this went to wtf pretty quickly dodge a bullet i crap you not this happened to me i was visiting my now ex-gf her and her mother were at work and her siblings at school so i was alone in the house when someone knocks on the door when i open it four guys are looking at me one of them asks are you name s boyfriend for a moment i was dead scared that these guys were here to mug me for whatever reason but i'm not saying yes the one of them then said so are we as my mind explodes in a woof-ness i managed to invite them in for a cup of coffee while they explain what's going on i was told how dude one had seen our ex with dude two at a part they were all attending he confronted the other guy the day after and together they came to the conclusion that if she had two bfs why not more so they started doing some research finding two other guys and me a good half an hour after they arrived the ex came home from the hall she called hello hun and as she walked into the kitchen we all replied hi darling she went blank face didn't move or say anything for 10 seconds or so before hurrying off to the bathroom where seth stayed for two hours when finally she mustered her courage to come out all five of us broke up with her and left i still talked to one of the other guys from time to time tl dr my now ex had four other boyfriends i didn't know about until they visited me at her place where we all broke up with her i think there should be some kind of no fault breakup ritual where any partner can end the relationship without any explanation at all so long as you haven't been dating for more than three months it would be culturally expected of you to assume that while nothing is wrong with either of you it was not meant to be for reasons which are completely not worth contemplating the time for executing the the ritual is limited to eight minutes that's a fantastic idea but it involves applying rationality to romance for your information that's similar to dividing by zero this is more of a post-breakup story but still relevant emo my friend's ex was begging him to take her back after she broke it off a few months before paul was resolute polite and strong-willed until finally she went in to kiss him hoping that her touch would earn him back paul allowed the kiss to occur looked her in the eyes then turned to the side and threw up all over the floor she left i had a guy move across the country orlando to seattle to be with me even though i told him it was a bad idea and he dumped me about a month later saying that he wasn't feeling it i thought it was pretty funny on the plus side seattle is a pretty decent place to live especially compared to orlando so maybe it was good for him i received the exact same breakup speech except with an added bonus of i just don't want to hurt you again who invented all these cliche breakup lines hollywood and crappy teen drama from the original degrassi all the way through to whatever is on these days my last girlfriend pretty much broke up with me because i wouldn't say i love you i guess that is a deal breaker but whatever i am a machine at least you didn't say you love cake ex-boyfriend went away to college and we tried the distance thing well first he didn't tell me that his ex went to the same college and that they had been getting lunch together regularly fine didn't care then his ex messaged me saying that they were freaking and when i called him to ask about it he started saying it was my fault for not visiting him i used his sweatshirt that i still had to mop up cat pee then mailed it to him my ex slept with my only female friend in town neither of them were sorry despite the fact that i never had a single fight with him until then somehow i also managed to get two speeding tickets three hundred dollars a piece someone stole my bike and an avocado fell off a tree and onto my face leaving me with a gnarly black eye i checked myself into an extended stay because we were living together at the time since i was still paying rent on the house and i had randomly booked a ticket across the country to save my sanity and potentially my life from further misfortune i had to return the house key to my ex my revenge i called him to meet me at the coffee house around the corner and james bond style hid behind some cars and waited for him to leave then i proceeded to break into the house not breaking and entering i had paid rent for the month and poured two big bags with approx 400 live crickets into his bed then i drove around the corner handed him the key shut off my phone and drove to the airport somehow he wants to be my friend two years later not me but my dad the way i remember him telling it his girlfriend told him she was just going to have a night out with the girls but he had reason to suspect otherwise so he follows her until she ends up in his fraternity brother's bedroom my dad waits outside for a long time and then sees them leave together so my dad slips into the room and sits in a chair facing the door the guy comes back and is shocked to see him there oh hey how's it going dad's name and my dad goes i just want to know why the guy starts stumbling over his words at this point trying to make excuses and cover up the fact that he'd just banged my dad's girlfriend so my dad says you don't know how you don't know when it could be tomorrow it could be next month it could be years and years from now but i'm going to get you back and then he walks out and just forgets about it because he knows that guy is going to be looking over his shoulder for who knows how long my dad didn't need to worry about it anymore needless to say that girl is not my mom he did break up with her after that without that douchebag frat brother you would not exist she was manipulative and emotionally abusive to me it took me a long time to see it but when i did it was clear as day i told her it was over pulled out my phone and played the score to terminator as i slow motion got up and walked out the door i get the impression it was one of those situations where you imagined it would be really badass but in the end it was just awkward if i had a girlfriend i would totally break up with her and it would be awesome there would be a story too and i'd write about it here i have a few there's the guy who broke up with me via text that one stung or my first ever boyfriend who got his best friend to call me and break up with me for him you and who can forget the one that followed me around like a puppy refused to let me pay for anything even when i was clear it was my turn and then randomly dumped me for being clingy and materialistic i lived with my girlfriend at the time and things weren't going well i knew we were on the outs and it was only a matter of time before it was over we argued about something and i had to work early so i went to bed without really resolving anything but she walks in just as i'm nodding off makes a snide comment as she heads to the bathroom and i unknowingly respond with this is bulls let's break up i broke up with her and i wasn't even conscious oh i'd post some funny breakup stories but i've used all of mine about 15 times already someone take me out then crowley dump me i need more material just repost him redid doesn't care anymore anyway when i was in college i was dating this one chick things started getting a little tense after a while and she invited me over to her dorm to talk about where we were going all the usual insecure girlfriend bs while we were talking her roommate came back from going shopping and before seeing me shout it out you'll never believe the sexy new bras i just got after turning into the living room and seeing me she got all red my girlfriend said she should model them for us obviously not one to turn this down i agreed tentatively she agreed when she came out my girlfriend got up and started to make out with her roommate they joined me on the couch shortly after and told me that they both wanted me they both stripped down themselves and undressed me though we had all had kinky threesome sex for the next hour you bastard you had me going until i read your name i broke up with my boyfriend via skype i know that sounds like a dong thing to do but it was a long distance thing and it seemed like the best way to do it he got extremely upset and yelled number you're not breaking up with me i'm breaking up with you it was the strangest thing ever i'm pretty sure he told everyone that he dumped me my favorite breakup story was back in high school while we were playing soccer at lunchtime my buddy usually plays as goalkeeper and his girlfriend waved him off the field for a moment to say that she thought that they should break up his response okay runs back to the game i sent her two cards one was a missing you with something along the lines inside of i miss the person i liked and a get well soon card with something along the lines of course you have some serious problems on its inside that might be what i do after my now ex moves her stuff out brilliant slow hand clap for an hour cena year of high school i was nearing the end of a 16 or so month relationship i was just going to wait it out a little bit longer to see if things improved but she beat me to the punch one day in april it was raining so practice was cancelled i drove straight home cause i had to crap and i mean crap so i run inside my house leaving it unlocked and run to my bathroom and begin my poop now i'ma take my time kind of pooper so i plug in my headphones take out my ipod and go to town on some solitaire about 30 minutes later i wipe flush wash and i'm on my way out of the bathroom but when i open my door there she is my girlfriend is sitting outside the door waiting for me to come out she had let herself into my house without anyone else there and was waiting outside the bathroom for nearly half an hour while i was pooping she was crying she was sobbing what could i do she told me she was breaking up with me i could barely make it out through the sobs at this point in the realtionship it was more of a relief than a donor i had to hide my smile and sense of joy she ended up staying for almost two hours crying straight through them it was obnoxious and i stuck it out cause we had spent quite a long time four high school relationships together when she left i called all my friends and we hung out for the first time in a long time sorry i got a little off topic there tl dr drove home from school and left the door unlocked went to poop and when i was done she was waiting for me outside the pooper to break it off she gave me a statue of buddha she then said i think it would be buddha if we saw other people i laughed so hard that i forgot i was getting dumped it's sort of a breakup story but i got to use one of my favorite lines from fight club i went ahead and put my dong in crazy about a decade ago within the first months of seeing each other she was already acting aloof denying me sex giving me the silent treatments and generally trying to control my behavior through passive aggressive bulls rather than talking openly about it when i called it off she went crazy and pulled a fake suicide routine i called her bluff straight away because i knew she was crazy not stupid phone rings shrevid hi crazy what do you want crazy i just got a bottle of pills from the doctor i plan on taking all of them at once and ending it shrevid so you're staying and then she laughed out loud even in my early twenties i figured that was a good sign she wasn't really intending to kill herself a buddy of mine in hs got down on one knee looking like he was about to propose searching through his pockets for something he then gets frantic like he has lost the ring when she asked what was wrong he said i have lost my feelings for you and just walked off classy more butthole why not mine but a friend of mine in high school had the following exchange with his crazy as frick girlfriend while breaking up with her her you're like a stone don't you feel anything him yeah yeah i do feel something i feel hungry i feel like i want some freaking pancakes i broke up with my ex on april fool's day i didn't plan on it it just happened that way people still give me crap about it but honestly it's not a real holiday i went out with a girl for a few years in high school long story short she cheated on me and we were having a doubt over the phone i said something like i hope he treats you like crap you nasty hoe and then heard her phone click like it had gone to speak a phone i heard guys in the back and guessed that she was with her new guy so when she said what did you say i replied i said you gave me aids your nasty ass the silence on the end of the line was priceless i hung up and refused to answer her calls never talk to her again this just happened i met a girl over mardi gras met on friday kissed during parade talked all saturday met up on sunday to see if the chemistry was there it was turned to physics i have teeth marks on my shoulder i slept over her place after the funky fun and treated her to sushi like way too much sushi hey i like to spoil a girl she said well i owe you a dat dog fancy hot dog place yes there are fancy hot dogs today after we've been talking for two days she txts me i don't know how to tell you this but i'm getting back together with an ex from my hometown i text back awesome now you owe me two dat dogs we're still friends if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Everything

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Keywords: funny break up texts v1, funny break up compilation, funny break up, funny break up scene, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2021, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: WvPySykExX8

Length: 24min 2sec (1442 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 29 2021