Oh Crap, My Friend's an Butthole

what was your oh crap my friends and butthole moment told her a personal story asked and trusted her to keep it to herself a few weeks later so a friend told me this freaked up thing and tells me that exact story at first instance in a short chain of events that ended that friendship a friend offered to come over and help pass out flyers in my neighborhood for my missing dog she arrived with a few friends and a case of beer we split up me alone to cover a few streets and her with her friends to cover some other streets a short time later we cross paths and they had no more flyers they said they'd passed them all out and said they were leaving i walked down one of their streets and didn't see any flyers on cars or doors at the end of the street i found the entire stack of flyers i had given them they were at the bottom of a storm drain gutter holy crap frick those people i hope you found your dog when she got into her first relationship and kept getting angry at every little thing her boyfriend did when he would defend himself she would get even more mad nothing was ever her fault it was everyone else's even when she found out all his friends hated her she still acted like they were the problem i never knew she could be so mean and crazy she's matured now but man it was impossible to be on her side back then around age 9 or 10 my mom took me and two friends out for lunch and ice cream for my birthday we were supposed to wait for her after while she made a quick trip to the restroom they went back to the table and i guess thought i wouldn't notice but they stole the waitress tip i figured it out largely by seeing the waitress face after they came back i told my mom and we never took them out again this is one of those things that kids think they get away with those two are probably under the impression that neither you know the waiter noticed and it ingrained the idea that small thefts like that are a okay this is how people begin to become buttholes when i was 20 or so i was walking the mall with this girl from work who i was starting to become friends with she was sipping a smoothie while walking near the edge of the second floor and when she finished it she just casually tossed the cup over the ledge like it was no big deal it didn't even look back just oh i'm done with this might as well toss it over here who cares where it lands i can't help but think of begbie in train spotting he ordered shots for the two of us and six other girls at the bar we didn't know while i was in the bathroom when i came back the bartender poured all the shots we took them and then told my friend it would be eighty dollars my friend points to me and says he is paying yeah that was about the point holy jesus those are some expensive shots i found out he'd been obsessively stalking my reddit account and telling my other friends everything i would write about so they could make fun of me i had to delete me old account and make this one i don't post nearly as much a friend of mine came back from basic started harassing high school girls his girlfriend found out he was screwing her hs freshman he blamed me for telling her but i didn't know about it until he blamed me he became a cop and is currently in jail for rape well that's just scary we met a brazilian girl up here in america he spent three weeks seducing her away from the flock of guys trying to get her attention and eventually managed it by flying the two of them to brazil three months later i got a call from her guy had paid for her to go backpacking through south america with him and gotten tired of her crap in colombia and just ditched her with no money no ride no anything she literally had a backpack full of camping supplies and nothing else i called him up and asked him what happened and his response was she [ __ ] blocked me last night i took a long hard look at how much money i've spent on her and decided she wasn't worth it then he hung up on me that's when i knew he was in butthole but the story continues a few months later i hear from him again he was still doing the backpacking thing and had made his way back to brazil first thing he did was look up the girl he had stranded in colombia and try to move in with her he couldn't though cause she had a boyfriend living with her by then he spent three nights in a hostel before convincing her that the whole i stranded you internationally because i was angry that you weren't letting me treat you like crap thing was just a giant misunderstanding she met him at a club they had sex again without the current boyfriend's knowledge and started a week-long affair brazilian girl borrowed money from her parents to rent an apartment with my friend and borrowed a car to move him out of the hostel so they could start to life together my friend decided she wasn't worth the commitment if she could just cheat on her boyfriend and move out so quickly with a guy who had stranded her internationally he moved out before she could pick him up and called the boyfriend to warn him about her before skipping town that guy is the biggest dong i've ever met two days later he convinced a dutch exchange student to drop out of her degree program and use her daddy's money to fly them both to amsterdam he ditched her less than a week later because she was too controlling what was she actually doing asking him not to bang other chicks in her bed while she was out job hunting that crosses from dong territory into psychopath territory when he ran over a cat with his car saw him steered at him thump cat is gone i grabbed his shoulder and tried to stop him but too late and not long after that he was charged with molestation of a minor 7 yo girl and he claims she seduced him and that her parents were already doing it with her and so it was her fault yes seriously he was about 22 at the time we weren't friends after that that was 30 years ago these days he has found the lord and asks people if they have also found the lord and tries to reconnect with me on facebook no thanks and frick you not really that big and but whole but enough of one where i didn't want to be friends with him anymore he'd grab stuff out of my lunchbox or off of my lunch tray if i wasn't paying attention one day he happened to be behind me as we were driving to school and he thought it would be funny to tailgate really close the entire drive he also thought that it was hilarious to go around sack tapping everyone every single day sometimes it's just dumb crap that adds up sounds like an immature freaking tool my friends and i were about 15 and had someone 18 buyer smokes the guy christo was kind of a goth kid cool guy after he bought us our smokes and left my friends started talking crap about him i wish i would have caught up to him and given him the smokes back and told him never to do favors for any of my friends again this one hurts so much i feel for the goth kid even though he'll most probably never know it's such a crappy thing to do they're douchebags if i want it and the school doesn't do it my dad will go in and make sure i get it if somebody messes up we can't you them i get what i want what i deserve you don't frick with my family rich friend and she said it like it was nothing she wasn't even mad when she said it she spoke it as though it were a fact and something that everyone does needless to say we're no longer friends especially since i stopped talking to her so she tried to get me arrested and expelled for harassment when she knowingly slept with a married man who also had children blamed his wife for him cheating and got angry when she tried to get him to buy her a trip to vegas and he declined her exact words i'm hot and he's married i should at least be getting something out of this that was the end for me my sister does this crap not the vegas part but the accepting no blame for sleeping with a married man with kids part she's in butthole she passive aggressively chewed out our server for her stake being too rare which wasn't even the server's fault and then refused to leave him a tip i ended up tipping him 20 on my check unbeknownst to her a person who is nice to you but not nice to the waiter is not a nice person when i hadn't seen her in two years she suddenly showed up to my house it was all good she was wearing her in loving memory of shirt not a big deal everyone around here wears those she takes me to her aunt's house and i notice a lot of cars okay everyone is wearing her in loving memory of shirt she bought me to a funeral i looked at her with wide eyes wearing my rick and morty shirt while sad family members watched but she didn't care in the least that it was a funeral for a 13 year old that died of cancer in bird culture that is considered a dong move late to the party but it will feel good to get this out there guy i knew all through hs and got together with him and all the old gang when we were home from college we stood up for each other weddings and included all the wives pretty much setting up for let's get together a few times a year type of life called him up to go golfing as one of the guys was in town from 120 miles away he tells me i've got a new life now i hang out with the people from my neighborhood so freaking proud he knew a nfl player quit calling me okay fair enough but kind of and butthole i kind of figured his wife put him up to it time goes by haven't seen some of the gang for five years when one of my buds drops dead of a heart attack his wife has other problems i start calling everyone to break the news i ask his brother to pass the word at the wake everyone is there place is packed some drove 30 40 miles with one exception but all knew him since they were eight years old and couldn't be bothered to drive five miles what an butthole seventh grade english we had a substitute teacher that day one that no one really liked but we put up with her she was an older lady wasn't mean or anything just not our regular teacher that we loved we walk into class that morning my friend sees the substitutes and rolls his eyes and lets out an audible sigh then he sits down at his desk and proceeds to put his head on his desk arms covering his eyes and ignores everything this teacher says we even had to answer for him when she did roll call anyway the teacher begins to teach a lesson about using the five senses when writing she goes on for a while and then starts to explain that sometimes your senses can influence how you remember things certain smells or sounds can bring up distant memories instantaneously she tells a story about how when she was a child they lived near train tracks twice a day she would hear this train whistle it was while living in that house that her father passed away and they moved shortly thereafter but even to this day when she hears a train whistle it brings back memories of her father my friend for the first time since he walked into the room lifted his head up looked her in the eyes and blurted out a prepubescent choo choo the teacher just stopped looked like she was about to cry amongst stifled laughter and walks out of the room i never saw this teacher again when he yelled and swore at a mutual friend for not coming to our school concert to watch us play because she had to take her mom to the hospital in an emergency i can't believe you're friends with gay people really we should just round them all up and shoot them i looked at him for a long time to see if he was serious the exact moment i realized i could never truly love my ex was when he told me he supported gay marriage to my face and then when my parents started talking about being against it he agreed wholeheartedly and even turned against me when i argued with them i was so mad i stormed out of my own house he wound up being super gay so that probably explains it my buddy was in a car accident nothing serious but he texted his girlfriend of a few months i got in a car accident and when she naturally started asking him what happened if everyone was okay etc he didn't text her back for a couple days thought that was extremely douchey to just have his gf freak out and worry and then not talk to her god i hope she dumped him after that if my boyfriend did that to me i'd be so worried and angry that i'd have a hard time trusting him again on the day before our exam i wanted him to return one of my books he came to my house to study but left the book behind because it was too heavy it had 60 pages had to read that three four times to get it you wanted him to return the book to the library not return to you a book you lent him my friend has always been kind of in butthole but it hit its peak when in one month he bought a new kitten got tired of it released it into the woods then was busted lying to his brother roommate about rent effectively stealing his brother's money poor kitten when he argued a bill at our local equivalent of a waffle house it went on for about 15 minutes and they threatened to call the cops the difference was about a dollar the time my one friend owed my other friend money and then one night called him and threatened him that he was not going to pay him cause he helped him move even though they made a pact before they moved that they would help each other move into each other's new places he felt people owed him a lot things when she told me her last best friend's deepest darkest secrets but i'm dense so i was still friends with her about a year of lies i was out she didn't just lose weight she had gastric bypass surgery she wasn't abused by her ex-husband she gaslighted him she didn't need drugs for her skin removal surgery gone wrong she was a pill addict she isn't engaged to her boyfriend she just freeloads i spent the night wrongly accused of a crime and when i got out the next day she walked right past me at pickup time at the elementary school never called me asked me wth happened nothing so much more she is by far the shittiest person i have ever met one day i was walking to my other friend's apartment with my friend he decided to start barking at every attractive girl we walked by i never go anywhere with him now when he told a mutual friend whose mom was sick with cancer that she was being selfish for wanting to stay home and help take care of her mom and sister instead of coming out with us look i'm sorry that your grandfather died but i have a real problem here if i can't live on campus next semester i'm going to have to commute gasp lord forbid when i told her how to respond to a situation in which she was causing problems and she responded no that makes it sound like i'm the one who's wrong went to a music festival with a buddy the entire four days he spends chasing drunk stoned woman around trying to get laid ignores his buddies trashes his tent showing off to some girls likely half his age at one point has a group of women screaming at him because he has been following around a girl all day and she can't seem to convince him she's not entrusted finally i sit him down forcefully and have a man-to-boy talk i may have slapped him a few times for calling the girl whose day he ruined a bee he grabs his pack sack from his ruined tent and shuffles off crying i've never spent a minute in his presence again can't stand that butthole anymore but she's drunk anyway and i'm the cleanest guy around no sweat or mud i just had a shower she basically has to sleep with me i passed her a water glass from the front of the drinks cue when my male friend kept telling me about all these married men he was sleeping with he is hiv positive and i asked him if they were using protection and if he had told them that he was hiv positive he said that yes they all knew and didn't care about using protection i call bulls i knew he wasn't telling them not only is he about told that it's morally wrong and illegal i also secretly mailed him a printout about how hiv is spread this is seriously messed up and also illegal i'm fairly certain he could be charged for that she came into a lot of money i was the only person who never asked her for a dime or favor we were friends since third grade i didn't care she was suddenly rich she started buying friends and then holding it over their heads to be ridiculously demanding she tells me to get her a drink from starbucks on my way over then beam me out because it's wrong that's the last time i talked to that cow a third friend was deathly ill and had no time to do anything other than fight off infection and medicate my ex-friend was upset that the third friend didn't hang out anymore this reminds me of when i had a kidney infection and thought i was on my deathbed and the guy i was hooking up with at the time knew i was sick and still wanted to frick because it won't hurt that bad and you owe me anyways wtf he was sympathetic when i had issues but when i felt better he'd use them against me to make me feel like crap i was nothing more than a punching bag for his ego he's truly an awful guy though he insists he's a good person and all his insults are merely jokes i just realized i'm a giant butthole when he borrowed my car to go and screw my ex in i wasn't over her yet and he told me that he was doing it for my own good so i could get over her my dad hired my best friend as a caregiver for my dying mother he also had hospice coming to the house to take care of the medical stuff she needed i found out that she told the hospice nurses that my dad was bad-mouthing them and saying they were bossy to him and were killing my mom with pain meds she was on morphine because she was freaking close to death dad never said these things he loved the nurses and is still friends with them today he almost lost hospice care because they had to report any complaints to their supervisor he ended up having to call and straighten everything out with administration that was the last thing he needed at that time her motive she wanted more hours what an awful thing to frick around with get another job if you're that desperate took an online test for a friend of mine in exchange for a 40 buffalo wild wings gift card got an a for him went to use the gift card on a date and it had 54 cents on it confronted him about it and he didn't care at all haven't really trusted him since i didn't really care about the money just the principle of him trading my trust for 40 dollars for 39.46 he lost what could have been a lifelong friend stupid when i realized how unsympathetic he was toward people with any kind of psychological issues whatsoever be it depression addiction anxiety abusive relationships i even heard him make fun of people with military induced ptsd and service animals direct quote if you need a dog to keep you from blowing your brains out go ahead and do it another time he made fun of my own sister for having addiction problems and being in an abusive relationship mind you at the time i was really stressed and opening up to him about it he told me she was stupid for putting herself in that situation that's just not how abuse works it's a slow burn and has nothing to do with intelligence on the victim's part he also went as dead robin williams for halloween right after he committed suicide he was literally the most heartless and mean-spirited little prick i've ever known didn't know him personally but this is a story of a friend of a friend basically this guy let's call him sam so sam is 17 he has his own little banger of a car and he's a learner driver and of course shouldn't be driving without a full license driver in the car with him but who cares we all do it sometime anyway basically sam lives in the middle of nowhere you can't really get around without a car so he'd always be cruising about with his friends in the car you know to the shops cinema train station who knows anyway you wouldn't really get police around the area he lives it's a small town nothing really goes on there so sometimes sam would let some of his pals drive the car if they felt confident enough the so one night he lets his friend let's call him jordan drive the car around for a while everything's going fine for the first couple of minutes and then yes you guessed it jordan crashes the car now this isn't just a little slide into a ditch or a harmless crash into a fence or tree this car flips over and is completely smashed the people in the car sam jordan and two other friends have to go to a place afterwards they were all fine but it was still pretty traumatic so jordan crashes the car and it's like two in the morning the car is on its side and they've no way of getting home they can't call the police or an ambulance or sam's parents because they find out jordan was driving they would all be in deep crap right so jordan convinces sam to not say anything at the moment and call the insurance company in the morning and let them know he sam crashed the car so that then sam could make a claim and get everything fixed up no problem so they call another few mates to come down and help flip the car back over and basically push it home back to sam's in the morning sam calls the insurance company and tells them the whole fake story of how he was driving with some friends in the car and crashed so the insurance company take down the records and say they'll send a letter out to him in a few weeks keep in mind when you give a report to an insurance company you can't ring back and change the story it's on file and on record end of fast forward a week or two later and sam gets a letter in the post he opens it thinking it's from the insurance company nope it's a letter calling him to court a letter for sam informing him that jordan was suing him for personal injury for the injuries and trauma he had from the crash and since it's on record sam was driving he can't call back and change the statement because then he would be done for insurance fraud so he literally has no choice but to pay for this dickhead's medical bills and god knows what else seriously a [ __ ] move couldn't believe it when i heard it i'm just glad it didn't happen to me uh sam and jordan are equally guilty of insurance fraud here one goes down the other goes with him we live in a dorm together then he complained that i wake up too early i wake up at 7 00 am i have class at 9 00 am and that my mouse clicks are too loud and that he doesn't get enough sleep it took him four weeks of being angry with me refusing to tell me that i'm loud and complained to my girlfriend instead once my girlfriend refused to control her boyfriend several times he finally demanded that i sleep an hour later so not to disturb him i offered to be quieter as i finish homework in the morning i suggested that he goes to sleep earlier and not watch anime until 1am he refused to change his sleep schedule and demands that i change mine then he called me selfish for refusing his demands what a self-centered prick i wish my former roommate was as considerate as you my former roommates didn't care that they were keeping me up even when i told them numinous times that they were if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Everything

Views: 13,891

Rating: 4.8991594 out of 5

Keywords: worst friend, worst friends fails, worst friends moments, worst friends funny videos, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2021, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: e51aXxJyuHI

Length: 24min 19sec (1459 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 27 2021