WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. A LOT OF EXCITING REVELATIONS
TODAY, YEAH, WHO DONALD TRUMP IS MEETING WITH FOR CABINET
POSITIONS. YOU KNOW HOW THEY'VE GOT THE
CAMERAS AT TRUMP TOWERS AND SEEING THEM COMING IN AND COMING
OUT. IT'S LIKE A DETECTIVE SHOW OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. >> Jon: YEAH, LIKE COP. >> Stephen: SO FAR IT'S
OPINION A WHO'S WHO OF WHY? WHAT? ( LAUGHTER )
AND TODAY, TODAY BROUGHT THE STRANGEST NEWS YET, BECAUSE THIS
MORNING, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT MET AT TRUMP TOWER WITH ALI KANYE WE
YOU CAN TELL IT WAS A HIGH-POWERED MEETING BECAUSE
KANYE WORE HIS FORMAL SWEATSUIT. NOW, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S A SECURITY
RISK GATHERING THE TWO MOST POWERFUL AMERICAN NARCISSISTS
IN THE SAME ROOM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YOU CAN'T DO IT. >> Stephen: JUST FOR SECURITY
REASONS, THEY HAD TO KEEP SHIA LEBOUF IN AN UNDISCLOSED
LOCATION FOR CONTINUITY OF GOVERNMENT. HERE THEY ARE ENDING THEIR
MEETING WITH A BRO HUG IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS. I HEARD THESE TWO ARE GOING TO
DROP AN ALBUM TOGETHER. IT'S CALLED "THE
DEPORTATION OF PABLO" I'M NOT SURE WHAT CABINET
POSITION KANYE WAS APPLYING FOR. WHICH GOVERNMENT AGENCY
REGULATES DIAMOND MASKS AND TRACK PANTS? >> Jon: I'M NOT SURE. I HAVEN'T FIGURED THAT OUT. >> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
HE'S NOT UP FOR IS SECRETARY OF STATE, BECAUSE TODAY, DONALD
TRUMP CHOSE REX TILLERSON, EXXONMOBILE C.E.O. I ASSUME FROM NOW ON, ALL GAS
STATIONS ARE OFFICIAL U.S. EMBASSIES, WHICH IS PERFECT FOR
ANY REFUGEES WHO ARE SEEKING ASYLUM AND MAYBE A SLIM JIM. TILLERSON IS AN INTERESTING
PICK. FOR ONE THING, HE'S AN OIL MAN
WHO BELIEVES IN CLIMATE CHANGE. WELL, OF COURSE HE BELIEVES
IN IT. HE'S FROM EXXON. THEY INVENTED IT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP. IT'S HIS BABY! "IT'S MY BABY!"
NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT TILLERSON'S CLOSE TIES
WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN. AND THEY ARE BUDDIES. THIS IS TRUE. HERE HE IS LAUGHING AT ONE OF
PUTIN'S CLASSIC KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES. "ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T POISON
YOUR FAMILY?" ( LAUGHTER )
"YOU WILL LAUGH NOW." AND WHILE TILLERSON ADMITS HE
AND PUTIN HAVE "A VERY CLOSE RELATIONSHIP," HE'S ALSO SAID,
"I DON'T AGREE WITH EVERYTHING HE'S DOING." YEAH, WE ALL HAVE THAT ONE
FRIEND WHO SOMETIMES DRINKS TOO MUCH OR DATES THE WRONG PERSON,
OR ANNEXES CRIMEA. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, THIS MEANS THAT THE SECRETARY OF STATE WON'T BE
GOING TO MITT ROMNEY, THOUGH ROMNEY WAS A LONG-SHOT FROM THE
BEGINNING. AFTER ALL, IN MARCH HE SAID
THIS: >> DONALD TRUMP IS A PHONY, A
FRAUD. HIS PROMISES ARE AS WORTHLESS AS
A DEGREE FROM TRUMP UNIVERSITY. HE'S PLAYING THE MEMBERS OF THE
AMERICAN PUBLIC FOR SUCKERS. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THE AMERICAN PUBLIC, BUT TRUMP CERTAINLY PLAYED ONE GUY FOR A
SUCKER, BECAUSE EVERYBODY THOUGHT MITT HAD IT IN THE
BAG AFTER TRUMP TOOK HIM TO THAT FANCY DINNER IN MANHATTAN. IT WAS NICE. THEY HAD FROG LEGS IN A
REDUCTION OF ROMNEY'S DIGNITY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH! SALTY! OH! DELICIOUS! BUT IT WAS ALL JUST A TRICK,
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO TRUMP INSIDER ROGER STONE, "TRUMP
INTERVIEWED ROMNEY TO TORTURE HIM." THAT SOUNDS PRETTY BAD. BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, IF THIS IS
TRUMP'S IDEA OF TORTURE, GITMO IS ABOUT TO GET A LOT FANCIER. "TONIGHT, THE TORTURE
SOMMELIER IS RECOMMENDING A MERLOT-BOARDING PAIRED WITH AN
AGED BRIE." YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHERE
THEY'RE PUTTING THE BRIE. WE SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. TRUMP SEEMS LIKE THE KIND OF GUY
WHO FEELS LIKE ONE FANCY DINNER GIVES HIM THE RIGHT TO SCREW
YOU. AND TO RUB SALT--
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP RUBBED SALT IN ROMNEY'S
WOUNDS BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE TRUMP IS GOING TO PICK FORMER
TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY FOR SECRETARY OF ENERGY. HE WILL BE REPLACING
STANFORD-EDUCATED NUCLEAR PHYSICIST AND JACK OF DIAMONDS
ERNEST MONIZ. GOOD SHOT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SO WHAT ARE PERRY'S
QUALIFICATIONS TO LEAD THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY? WELL, FOR ONE, HE DOES HAVE
ENERGY. ♪ GOD BLESS TEXAS
THE PROMISED LAND ♪ >> Stephen: WOW! IF HE IS HALF AS GOOD AS BEING
ENERGY SECRETARY AS HE IS AT DANCING, THERE'S GOING TO BE A
LOT OF NUCLEAR WASTE SPILLS. ( LAUGHTER )
MAN, HE COULD NOT LOOK ANY STUPIDER. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE. I APOLOGIZE. WAS HE DANCING TO "GREEN ACRES"? >> Jon: THAT WAS "GREEN
ACRES." >> Stephen: WHAT WERE THEY
THINKING? HE SHOULD BE SECRETARY OF
AGRICULTURE. SO WHY NO MITT? DURING THE CAMPAIGN, PERRY
WAS JUST AS TOUGH ON HIS FUTURE BOSS. >> LET NO ONE BE MISTAKEN. DONALD TRUMP'S CANDIDACY IS A
CANCER ON CONSERVATISM, AND IT MUST BE CLEARLY DIAGNOSED,
EXCISED, AND DISCARDED. >> Stephen: MAN, ALL THOSE
MEDICAL PROCEDURES SOUND EXPENSIVE. THEY BETTER GET THEM DONE WHILE
WE STILL HAVE OBAMACARE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
, OF COURSE, WHO COULD EVER FORGET RICK PERRY'S MOST
MEMORABLE PERFORMANCE IN THE 2012 REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE? RICK PERRY CAN. >> AND I WILL TELL YOU, IT'S
THREE AGENCIES OF GOVERNMENT WHEN I GET THERE THAT ARE
GONE: COMMERCE, EDUCATION, AND WHAT'S THE THIRD ONE THERE. LET'S SEE... >> YOU CAN'T NAME THE THIRD ONE? >> THE THIRD AGENCY OF
GOVERNMENT, I WOULD DO AWAY WITH EDUCATION, UM, COMMERCE, AND
LET'S SEE... I CAN'T, THE THIRD ONE I CAN'T. SORRY. OOPS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, THREE WORDS
COME TO MIND: DUMB. MOTHER... I CAN'T THINK OF THE THIRD ONE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BY THE WAY, THE DEPARTMENT HE BY THE WAY, THE DEPARTMENT HE
COULDN'T REMEMBER IN THAT CLIP, THE DEPARTMENT HE WANTS TO GET
RID OF-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- IT'S THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY. OR, AS IT WILL SOON BE KNOWN,
THE DEPARTMENT OF OOPS. ACTUALLY, IS THERE ANYTHING
NONPOLITICAL GOING ON? HEY, HERE'S ONE. ARE YOU GUYS EXCITED FOR THE
MOVIE "ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY"? COMING UP? ME, TOO. I'LL CLAP ON THAT ONE. I'LL CLAP ON THAT ONE. WELL, SADLY, NOT EVERYONE IS
EXCITED, BECAUSE TRUMP SUPPORTERS ARE BOYCOTTING "ROGUE
ONE" WITH THE HASHTAG #DUMPSTARWARS. THE CONTROVERSY STARTED WHEN A
"ROGUE ONE" SCREENWRITER TWEETED, "PLEASE NOTE THAT THE
EMPIRE IS A WHITE SUPREMACIST ORGANIZATION." REALLY? WHY WOULD A WHITE SUPREMACIST
ORGANIZATION PUT A BLACK GUY IN CHARGE? ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THE WRITER DELETED THE TWEET AND THEN APOLOGIZED FOR
IT, BUT THAT DIDN'T APPEASE THE DARK SIDE OF THE INTERNET,
BECAUSE PRO-TRUMP "STAR WARS" FANS ARE CIRCULATING RUMORS
"THAT THE FILM WAS RESHOT TO INCLUDE ANTI-TRUMP SCENES." OH, COME ON! HOW DO YOU FIT ANTI-TRUMP
SCENES INTO A MOVIE THAT TAKES PLACE IN ANOTHER GALAXY? DID ONE OF THE STORM TROOPERS
TRY TO GRAB SOMEONE BY THE WOOKIE? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NO. NO. WOOKIE. ♪ ♪ ♪
WHAT? ( LAUGHTER )
I'M GOING TO BE ASKED NOT TO MAKE THAT GESTURE ANYMORE. I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT A WOOKIE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! THESE RUMORS ARE NOT TRUE AND,
PLEASE, JUST, FROM MY HEART, PLEASE, 2016 HAS BEEN A ROUGH
RIDE. ALL YEAR LONG, ONE SHINING
BEACON OF HOPE I'VE HAD TO LOOK FORWARD TO AT THE END IS THE NEW
"STARS WARS." SO I AM BEGGING YOU, IN THE NAME
OF OBI-WAN KENOBI'S SHIMMERING GHOST, SHUT UP AND LET ME ENJOY
"ROGUE ONE." CAN'T WE JUST ALL AGREE! STOP IT! JUST CAN'T WE JUST AGREE THAT
WHATEVER YOUR POLITICAL LEANINGS, WE ALL BELIEVE OUR
SIDE IS THE REBEL ALLIANCE? THAT'S HOW MOVIES WORK! NO ONE GOES TO SEE "X-MEN" AND
ROOTS FOR THE REGULAR HUMANS. AND WE ARE THE REGULAR HUMANS! ( LAUGHTER )
SO WHEN IT COMES TO THE "STAR WARS" MOVIES, ALL AMERICANS ARE
THE GOOD GUYS. OKAY? THE DEMOCRATIC COALITION IS
EVERY BIT AS DIVERSE AS THE CANTINA BAND AND
ADMIRAL AKBAR BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO REPUBLICAN MITCH
McCONNELL. , OF COURSE? SO JUST LET IT GO AND MOVE ON TO
CHRISTMAS. LET GO OF POLITICS AND MOVE ON
TO CHRISTMAS. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
FENCING UP THEIR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING OR STARTING IT. AND SOMETIMES FINDING THE
PERFECT GIFT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE CAN BE TRICKY. THANKFULLY, OUR GOOD FRIENDS IN
THE INTERNATIONAL DIAMOND INDUSTRY HAVE THE
ANSWER. >> SHE'S THE REASON THE GOOD
TIMES ARE GREAT AND THE REASON THE TOUGH TIMES ARE EASIER. BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND
AND YOUR TRUE LOVE. PRESENTING THE "EVER US"
TWO-STONE DIAMOND COLLECTION: NEW RINGS, NECKLACES, EARRINGS
AND BRACELETS. ONE DIAMOND FOR YOUR BEST
FRIEND. ONE DIAMOND FOR YOUR TRUE LOVE. >> Stephen: YES, A RING WITH A
DIAMOND FOR YOUR TRUE LOVE AND ONE FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND. SORRY, PAUL. I'M GONNA NEED THAT DIAMOND
BACK. APPARENTLY, I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE
IT TO MY WIFE. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, I BELIEVE THIS IS THE BEAUTIFUL, MOST POSSIBLE WAY TO
TRICK AMERICA INTO BUYING EVEN MORE OF SOMETHING THEY CAN'T
AFFORD WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I'M PROUD
TO INTRODUCE THIS MOVING AD FROM OUR NEW SPONSOR. YOU GAVE HER ONE DIAMOND FOR
BEING YOUR BEST FRIEND AND ONE FOR BEING YOUR TRUE LOVE. BUT SHE'S SO MUCH MORE THAN
THAT, WHICH IS WHY SHE ALSO DESERVES A DIAMOND FOR BEING
YOUR EMERGENCY CONTACT. A DIAMOND FOR BEING YOUR RIDE
HOME AFTER THE EYE DOCTOR DILATES YOUR PUPILS. AND A DIAMOND FOR BUYING STAMPS. MINUS TWO DIAMONDS FOR NEVER
HAVING SEEN "DIE HARD." BUT ADD A DIAMOND FOR BEING THE
PERSON WHO WATCHED "WESTWORLD" WITH YOU AND TELLS YOU WHAT'S
GOING ON. AND TWO MORE DIAMONDS TO HELP
YOU FORGET WHERE DIAMONDS COME FROM. AND BECAUSE SHE'S CONSTANTLY
SURPRISING YOU WITH THE WAY SHE LOVES YOU, DOESN'T SHE DESERVE
THIS BAGGY OF EXTRA DIAMONDS AND A HOT GLUE GUN. THIS CHRISTMAS BUY HER THE
FOREVER TIMES INFINITY RING. BECAUSE FACE IT, YOUR KIDS
AREN'T REALLY COLLEGE MATERIAL ANYWAY. THINK ABOUT IT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MARK WAHLBERG IS HERE. AND WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL GET
SOME THINGS OFF MY CHEST. SO STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
