Weapons of White Destruction | TJ | Stand Up Comedy

nice to be here I uh I go by TJ because I have a very difficult Haitian name to pronounce I use my initials TJ but my real name is Thomas Jefferson so I Ed that just to make it easy for me I I don't look like a Thomas Jefferson I don't maybe one of his kids but not him you know what I mean all right we're going to get along it's more where that came from English is my third language I speak Haitian cre because I'm Haitian I speak French because of a foreign exchange program called [Laughter] [Music] slavery terrible program I do not recommend it you know too much to pay for French it's not worth it try Rosetta Stone instead that way cheaper I'm glad you're laughing sometimes people feel bad about that it's like this don't feel bad it's not a black person thing that's just the way the world happen you know people take over other cultures and they make you speak their languages it's happened to all of us here's what I've realized if your language and your nationality are the same you did not suffer too much much if your language is different from your nationality yeah it's not good you got [ __ ] at some point in your history by somebody I'll prove it to you the Chinese speak Chinese the Japanese speak Japanese Mexicans do not speak Mexican what the [ __ ] happened [Laughter] there well I'll tell you what happened at turns out Spain had one of the largest foreign exchange programs of all time they're just giving Spanish to everybody like it was a sexually transmitted disease you know everyone woke up in South America with a bad case of the Spanish and there is no cure it's not just Spanish here we are you know America speaking English the entire world at this point speaks English because England was the B Cosby of colonizers they put us all to sleep and sprinkle something in our drinks and we all woke up like hello how are you what a lovely evening it is weird being in America now as a as a black immigrant because people just look at you and they assume how you must feel about things it's strange you know two summers ago I went to a protest by accident yeah I did not mean to go at all I was biking in Brooklyn and all of a sudden I was oh [ __ ] I'm in a protest now [ __ ] was terrifying you know I was surrounded by all these young hopeful white people I was like all right this is probably a protest about my life so I I think I have to stay it's not a good look to leave the protester by your life [Music] so I stayed and it got weird a lot of them were coming up to me they were like you matter and I was like uh I never thought I didn't but thank you I guess you [ __ ] weirdos get out of my face white lials listen you have good intentions but you very annoying you know just leave me alone I don't need you to prop me up I'm not going to go to a protest in America on purpose I'm not I'm from Haiti I paid a lot of money for a green card to be here I'm not dying for this country you guys do that [ __ ] that's that's your country why would I risk Dying For America I survived Haiti surviving Haiti and dying for America i' be like you surv cancer then you die of a gluten allergy that's how that's how insane that would be not [ __ ] doing it you die for your [Music] land but it is fun it feels like you know I came to America too late you know should have come in the '90s coming to America now it's sort of like if you get into Kanye us right [Music] [Laughter] now a [ __ ] the stock has plummeted you know just wanted music but he hears Jews now what do do I do with that but the interesting thing about you know America from the perspective of an immigrant is that doesn't matter where you start you can still end up in a pretty good place and that's what's interesting for immigrants and that's the story of my favorite person in American history I'm going to tell you about it this guy named George Washington cver if you don't know who that is the black man born in the mid 18th centuries he was born into slavery treated horribly but he's a fighter at his guy when he became free he educated himself and became a scientist obsessed with peanuts which is a weird thing for a gr men to be enter you know whether you're a cartoon character Jesus Christ but he loved peanuts he became the LeBron James of peanuts this D found over 300 uses for peanuts and I'm pretty sure he created the peanut allergy to take out white [Laughter] children for obvious reasons I've never met a black kid with a pinology before could the science be that precise you know that's the mo of a great scientist an average scientist who look at peanuts and like what if it grind us up and Bo on bread that should be nice not George Washington cover this man saw peanuts and thought this is the most subtle weapon of white destruction this is how I'm going to top with these people all right I got to come clean to you guys I did this joke two months ago and at the end of the show this black dude came up to me and he was like hey man this a very funny joke but uh I did not want to say this out loud I'm actually allergic to [Laughter] peanuts whoops uh turns out the science is not precise at all there's tons of black kids out there with peanut allergies tons of them so if you're one of those black kids just know you'll taking one for the team all right George Carver was not targeting you it's just collateral damage it happens so I read a little bit more about his life and I found out he got castrated as a slave which is obviously very sad but I think that was his motivation to get into the peanut game you know what I mean I think that's what gave him the strength to do it I think the day he got castrated he said the most gangster [ __ ] of all time I think that day he looked at is Masters and win you guys may have taken my balls but one day your children will choke on these nuts and then away thank you very much doel enj rest of the [Music] show

Channel: Don't Tell Comedy

Views: 418,240

Keywords: stand up comedy, best comedy 2023, don't tell comedy, donttellcomedy, dont tell comedy, funny stand up comedy, stand up comedian, tiktok comedy, standup comedy, viral comedy, tj stand up, funny jokes, comedy videos, best stand up comedy

Id: ob8YQPGJiHY

Length: 8min 28sec (508 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 11 2023