Don't ya just hate bike cops?

all right I got pulled over I heard someone yell pull over which isn't normally the way you get pulled over so I looked over my left shoulder I had to look all the way back to see them because I was on my bicycle and they yelled it again pull over and sure enough the person yelling it is a real actual police officer they had the mustache and everything legit but the reason they're yelling pullover is that they too are on a bicycle I'm a comedian I like to have fun I thought about going oh no no no no no I know how this works you have to go but then I remembered about cops having a great sense of humor so I skipped that I went ahead and I you know I pulled over and the cop pulled his bike right behind me just like he would do if we were in cars with his little headlight shining on the back of my head and he made me wait there a really long time now I was on my way to a comedy show I thought this is cool I'm in my own Hometown I could ride my bike to the comedy show and now I'm sitting there with some guy shining his headlight on the back of my head waiting and thinking what am I waiting for cuz if we were in cars I would assume I was waiting while he ran my license plate through his dashboard computer but we were on bicycles so I had no license plates and he had no dashboard it's infuriating and then I look and I see another bike Cop come whipping around the corner very thin guy we'll call him officer sunglasses as he pulls up next officer mustache I thought that's it back up because look at me when I walked out on stage the first thing you thought was I would need some backup to tackle with that fella he looks like one of those [Applause] vegans so now he's got his backup the two of them do this awesome move I mean just badass they both throw down their left foot and then synchronized perfectly synchronized swing their right foot over their bikes I I was everything I could do not to applaud I was like that was so cool I know they learned that watching chips that was awesome I love the idea that that's how bite cops Bond they watch chips together and they're like oh we should rehearse that that was cool I'm going to get some glasses like that so they make their way up towards my bike and the officer sunglasses stops a few feet shy of me puts his legs apart and fixes me with a look that says we may soon have a failure to communicate an officer mustache comes right up to me and he says you know why I pulled you over now don't ever answer that because that's how they try to get you to confess and maybe confess stuff that they didn't even know about you know why I pulled Joe I was it the drugs in my pocket I didn't think you could see those what was it I don't know I said no no man I don't I don't know I don't know why you pulled me over and I'm laughing started laughing did I mention I do that in times in times of Confrontation I tend to laugh and he says something amusing well I learned a long time ago that when authority figure hears me laughing and they ask if something's amusing I can't tell them the truth I can't say no no this is actually respect I this thing I'm a nervous laugher and so this is actually me being afraid of [Laughter] you it doesn't work so I have to think of something quick that's amusing he says you find something amusing I said well just say we're both on bikes right that's kind of funny you know it's like it's like we're a couple of kids playing traffic stop he do like that thank you I'm glad you [Music] did he says I assure you this is perfectly serious and I can hear his teeth breaking and sing and I said hey calm down okay you guys know I didn't know I thought I was going to teach you guys that's yeah you don't you don't do that you don't tell a cop to calm down I had no idea any of you that didn't just gasp in horror uh listen up this where you get your tickets worth uh yeah yeah you don't tell a cop to calm down it has the opposite of its desired effect he says I assure you I'm perfectly calm he says you were right in your bike on the K Street Pedestrian Mall I was like thank God you were there I don't think I was you know I think I was just crossing it he says do you have a driver's license to which I reply I'm on a bicycle I don't need a driver's license cuz I'm already pass making friends at this point he says do you have a form of identification I said yes I do and I you know hand it in my driver's license looks at it Like It's amazing And he says you have any warrants for your arrest Mr Jensen I start laughing again and it's not the nervousness now I'm like do I have any Warr no I don't have any warrants man you like busted me for riding my bike this is not going to be your big bust you're not going to end up in the documentary about the Zodiac Killer know we knew we had him when he rode his bicycle on the K Street Pedestrian Mall we moved in waited for my backup [ __ ] asked him if he knew what I was pulling him over for is it cuz I'm the Zodiac Killer I don't know what kind of fantasy he had conck it I was like no man I don't I don't have any warrants for my arrest he says we'll see then he goes back to his bike to call in my license number on his radio find out if I have any warrants his buddy in the sunglasses was still just standing there staring at me and I started thinking all right I'm going at least like I'm late for my comedy show you know I'm gonna at least get a good Facebook post out of this you know I start composing Tweets in my head then I think man i' love to get this on Instagram too maybe I could sneak a picture so I slide my phone out of my pocket and I take a picture of Officer mustache and it goes well uneventful I give it a q check it looks good and I turn to sunglasses and I go and snap one of him too real quick to which he says what are you doing and I said oh I'm sorry I just taking a couple pictures to remember our special time together he says you can't do that I was like oh okay noted for future reference cuz I just did it's too late to undo it he says give me the phone I was like oh no no no man you pulled me over for riding my bicycle now I'm not a lawyer I've never gone to law school and these are the words that came out of my mouth you just pulled me over for riding my bike this is this is not a take my phable offense you hear that one standing up in court right your honor this was clearly not a take your phable offense that's what I said he says give me the phone I said I'm I'm not gonna and I go to put it back in my pocket and he reaches out and he grabs my wrist and I yanked my arm away without thinking yeah where's your o now you don't do that either cuz you find out how strong the skinny cop is turns out quite and he slams me on the ground gets on top of me I got a knee between my shoulder blades my nose is bleeding and mustache goes ballistic he goes full Barney F he comes running over like doing a jig like he's fighting he's fighting he's fighting brain short circuiting he's not helping anyway just like he's fighting he's fighting as this is all happening this is on the part of K Street where like there's a lot of hotels and weddings and receptions happen this photographer just happens to come walking down L Street and then comes around the corner and sees this and he's like oh my God a pullitzer and he runs over he starts snapping pictures and he's not shy he's getting right up in my face you know and I noticed the cops didn't mind him taking their picture at all they didn't asked for his phone they were cling like get him with his eyes open you know like Hunters with a fresh deer we're going to hang this one back at the station so I look up at the photographer and I say my name is Keith LEL Jensen and I would really love to have these photographs not because I'm thinking of using them in court or anything but because I'm a comedian and head shot are expensive and if that pick picture was on the poster for tonight we would have filled this place a lot faster imagine my face with the blood and the cop ey me smiling like you be like I need to know what this is about cop picks me up and that's when mustach gets in my face and he says boy are you dumb like that's hurtful he says you are you're a big dummy you're a big dumb now it's starting to sound kind of wholesome I was like these are go-to insults this is cute he says I was going to let you go with a warning yeah but now you're under arrest you're going to jail how do you like that you're under arrest and you're going to jail I was like I understand but he said it one more time just for good measure so I repeated it to him I'm under arrest and I'm going to jail can I ask one question he said sure what and I said how it's fair right cuz I've been arrested before but never by a dude on a bicycle I don't know how that do I get on the handlebars or we to act out a scene from ET what are we doing here don't make me run behind you please I'm not in good shape we could ride bikes that's fun let's go ride bikes he says we'll call a car to which I said oh my God you have to call the car cops that must be so humiliating for you he Stomps back to his radio and he calls the car cops who drive their car right down the middle of the K Street Pedestrian Mall that I had so soiled with my bicycle tires they park right on top of the light rail tracks They come over they all is that the guy and I'm like yeah the bloody one in the handcuffs that's that's the guy I said what are you going to do with my bike they said we put it in the trunk I said well you should probably take a look at my bike because I rode one of those big stretch Dino beach cruisers with the giant handlebars and the springer forks because I was cool and they look at it and they go yeah we're going to have to call a truck so then the car Cops who' been called by the bike cops called the truck cops and then the truck cops came and drove right down the middle of the K Street Pedestrian Mall parked on top of the light rail tracks behind the cop car I've now started a parade they come out and get my bike I'm like hey bike when you get to bike jail pick the biggest bike there and just punch him in the face thought I sounded cool truck drives off the car cops put me in the car and the two bike cops run over to their bikes and they get in position like they're about to do the T def France and the car cops will look at them funny and get in the car and as they shut the door I heard the greatest line of the night the driver turns back to me and he goes hey man don't you just hate bike cops I do oh my God

Channel: Keith Lowell Jensen

Views: 5,593

Keywords: stand, up, comedy, keith, lowell, jensen, atheist, acab

Id: _cOg1FfBKPk

Length: 14min 17sec (857 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 11 2024