I Don't Believe in Science | Gavin Matts | Stand Up Comedy

what do you guys believe in what are your morals nothing no that's okay I don't know what I believe in either I know like what I don't believe in cuz I don't like to be challenged so if I don't believe in that I'm like I'm good like I don't believe in science no I don't like that I don't believe in science I don't like that science that they're pushing on us every day every day they're pushing science every day now science I'm tired I just woke up it's 11 it's just more science and science is sad now every day science is just like you're going to die that science now and then science will be like also the universe so vast your death insignificant like that science now cuz I like the old science I like the old stuff I like the old stuff better like I like signs when they're like put your fingers in this slime it's goopy that's what I like goopy I like feeling around in there I like the viscosity of things like a heavy pour where you can see it happen you're like whoa you're like oh that's probably how they came up with that word automat toia I I like I like that I like signs when they're like we're going to throw a watermelon and an anvil off a roof I'm like yeah I'm going to watch that I didn't know anvils were real and then they throw it off same time watermelon Anvil same time and then it hits the ground at the same time and you're like what how' that how' they how'd they hit cuz they got to be different weight and they're like no that's just science I'm like okay I like that but now science is just like you're going to burn you're like in Hell and they're like no just here just here just next to everybody you've ever loved like oh that sounds drastic we should do something about this they're like a it's too late so I don't like that science my problem to a science is like I never even met a scientist like I I never met that I never been like oh what do you do and they're like scientist first off I'd be like you're a liar that's a little kid job like how how does that make money you got a grant you better have a grant making money as a scientist and every article you read it just says the scientists are saying it's like well who who's that means nothing to me you got to put a face behind cuz I know the old scientist it's just like a guy outside with a kite just getting it I know him he's always hot get in it I know him I don't know the new ones and it was always a guy unfairly his hair is like electrocuted with knowledge you know he's like you know and I trust that and it was always a guy unfairly you know cuz if a woman used to have ideas you know she's a schizophrenic like we got to lock her up she's got too many ideas she's probably trying to help she was at a bunson burner they're like that's a tiny cauldron we got to burn her hurry before she helps so it's always a guy unfairly you know and and I trust the guy and and you know my my I even have a hacky favorite my favorite scientist is Einstein and I know that's like a hacky favorite and I know everybody's asking every day they're like oh who's your favorite [Music] scientist every day oh who who's your favorite you know and then I say Einstein and they're like oh do you only know one yeah yeah cuz I like what I like I sto there I like Einstein he proed time is like all encompassing you know past present future I don't know the ins and outs but he proved that I never proved anything in my life he proved time but then what I like the most is that he still married his cousin I like that he's like time infinite but I don't have enough time to find somebody else to love I got to love within my lineage that's what his equation was it was E equals MC that's Einstein equals my [Laughter] cousin he's sleeping with his cousin you know that's his theory relatives these new scientists they don't do that so I don't believe in science I believe in like I believe in normal stuff like buying stuff you guys buying stuff you got to be buying stuff you know that's that's why we exist is to buy stuff that's it and I'm not against it I love it I love buying stuff I go somewhere I buy something you know that's why I don't get when people are like oh I'm sad it's like okay buy something oh oh oh oh what's my purpose I don't know go get something is it not within your means well we have a system for that it'll ruin your life later but you could have pants today nothing's better than pants today I love buying stuff you know I feel bad for people it's getting harder to buy stuff you know the prices they're gouging us they're gouging us with these prices that's bad price gouge that's terrible that's terrible stuff the only thing you can gouge are prices and eyes that's it that's the only two thing and I wish they would gouge my eyes cuz I'm tired of seeing these damn prices I'll get your thumbs deep in there I want to see these pric is no more and our cost of living is like the highest it's ever been like in history like we have so many subscriptions like they didn't used to have that I didn't mean to subscribe to such a hard life I have iCloud and Dropbox storage like my finances are in disarray like I and you got to like pay to participate now like you got to go to therapy you know otherwise you're like ostracized you know you get ostracized for that people are like oh you can't hang out with us unless you bring your inner child and I I like to hang out so I'm trying to bring him like I'm trying to bring him I like to hang out so I go to therapy and then people are like oh why are you still strange it's like well because that's another cost like now I can't afford blueberries like that's really what I want I want blueberries like I got too many oxidants I I need an [Laughter] antioxidant I don't need to talk to a lady on Tuesdays I need asparagus but I love buying stuff I'm always buying stuff you know I think cuz we like all have ADHD you know so we just be buying stuff all the time which it used to be called add when I was growing up but then I think I was distracted and they added another letter I don't know when they threw that H in there but I must have been looking left but I have a huge deficit I don't know what it stands for I don't even know if I have ADHD or if I'm just broke you know cuz the other day I played with a magnet for half an hour you know you know when you're playing with a magnet and you get it like really close so you can like feel it working that was me for 30 minutes I was just like oh is this [Laughter] science that's my set [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Don't Tell Comedy

Views: 91,258

Keywords: donttellcomedy, don't tell comedy, standupcomedy, stand up comedy, comedy, comedy video, comedy stand up, best comedy, best comedy 2024, new stand up comedy, viral comedy, stand up, gavin matts

Id: 1UaoC_rBpws

Length: 8min 31sec (511 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 24 2024