Watching Twilight for the First Time (Not Clickbait)

hello everybody welcome back to cosmonaut picture show today I'm joined by veronika because we are watching the best movie ever Twilight you've never seen it um no I've never well I've seen bits and pieces so I've never seen the movie all the way through I've seen this movie more times that I'd like to count I had to read the first book in high school because back then the movie hadn't come out and there wasn't a sign wasn't as much of a stigma behind it I can't bring myself to regret the decision to leave home she was like I'd miss the heat I've been there what as a Floridian I've never heard someone say such an outlandish sentence I'd miss the heat so this [ __ ] being like I'm moving from Phoenix to [ __ ] Washington is and like lamenting about it you are a teenage girl you're supposed to want to be in the Pacific Northwest like aerial shots well watching Twilight why isn't it capitalized so it really bothers me everyone who was obsessed by that as a kid doesn't use capitalization now all those bisexuals that are like yeah yeah actually it's kind of cute I'm gonna do it I live here you can count how many black people are in list movie on one hand what's in this cactus why is this it's a piece of if Arizona Arizona my little succulent little succulent I'm thinking you're gonna be Team Jacob okay so my thing is if I don't get black people I do get Native Americans I had a crush on Taylor Lautner too so I wasn't I didn't really have a team Sharkboy search boy yeah he got hot oh he gets like and the next book he's like Hello that's gross one the one black guy yep counting them I'm gonna hopefully I see one more the same black guy can't quite tell what checking her out another white girl I'm sorry I told them not to let me play what no no that's that's why does everybody think she's so hot part of her character is that she's she's the girl okay she's also like the new girl where everyone is on each other since they were infants are people from Arizona supposed to be like really tan yes maybe that's why they kicked me out imagine you're like at school and the new kids like yeah I kicked out for being bad I never was like oh my god you are so [ __ ] funny Queen what is she wearing oh is that like a gas station sure he's pioneering lesbian fashion sorry I needed a canned it for the future futures dad Angela don't bring it up again well bro chill the [ __ ] out there it is this is the goon squad do you want to know the most pretentious thing about this film okay it's calling it a film annoying you that's well that's the number one pretentious thing they kind of look like they're in a cult but they know they're not all related right so they're explaining it right now they're all adopted siblings but they're all dating that's pretty fun he's a Manic Pixie dream girl well they're Mormons southern no [ __ ] that's Edward Cullen this is totally gorgeous he's like I'm all alone nobody care me like I care you know did you know girls be so fine but then doodoo breath he's obsessed with her scent cuz he won't see me smelly really quick I'm good this poor girl is it my gas station shirt [Laughter] who's this handsome man I don't remember he's like all over him they're trying to establish how small this town is that like a lot of people recommend so he's the sex god of the city right I could tell by looking at him yes her phone looks like an Ice Cream Sandwich if I'm a vampire I'm never wearing my seat belt ever again what was okay what was that oh yeah um so now it's a villains you got killed by x-men oh that's really bad fake rain that's probably the worst fakery and I've ever seen in a movie what the [ __ ] are you people harass leave her alone remember they're all boys they're all she what's a man who thinks she smells bad he's like ma'am I don't know if you're intelligent or not I've got a double check your work if I was a fan yeah that was a vampire uh-huh and I was kind of close to 18 I would not hide in high school I'd be going to the club I'd be living it up I'm trying to remember I'd be [ __ ] [ __ ] I am sure I would not be in high school for hundreds of years I think they like it they don't actually you know what she's like lusting right now look at her tongue I saw you I know she's so bad acting I'm certain this is how I act boys you're acting the girls we're killing it when you take negging too far you and I are gonna talk you all right I'm fine that [ __ ] he's gonna kill me you already took my pop away the Chiefs daughter was now he looks like a final fantasy character he's like he looks like Albert Wesker from Resident Evil he looks so aggressively human do you see how much foundation these people are wearing it's like the reverse Kardashians yeah they're trying to turn like as brown as possible without doing blackface and just doing the opposite I have you know sign some paperwork you should do dad do like a teenager girl stuff call your mom okay go do your makeup or something out of this girl close your mouth I'm going to Jacksonville that weekend you can't go another weekend non-refundable ticket let's go if I can kill myself now well I guess I'll go with the other girl it's good the girl that I've known my whole life and probably have a deeper emotional connection with he's gonna make a steaming cup of calm no that [ __ ] gets you high What's in Jacksonville listen bro now you've been alive a few hunt like a hundred years or whatever you got a learn game at some point never he's a virgin he's a hundred nineteen year old virgin gotta say big turn-off at that point there's something wrong with him a good Christian vampire he's dudes are doing van prism all wrong what if he still had the mindset of when he was actually younger he's like I wish you wouldn't wear pants he thinks women shouldn't be able to vote you know why didn't you just let the van crush me and save yourself all this regret Fred are you gonna be riding with us no bus drivers like we have we have space he doesn't I'm the bus driver we have plenty of room Ron called what was that no I have considered you radioactive spiders and kryptonite I don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about yeah this is her I love not okay official twilight drinking game take a shot every time she shakes her head you will die it's just a little crowded me and my 10 my 10-person come you don't like crowds well they're supposedly descended from this like enemy clan the [ __ ] I write sins not tragedies look at mother [ __ ] used to sir here was a rope this guy's not stuff I've no summon things this man yes oh no he's not using this I'm not joking he's and stuff oh no this is the sex God he showed up in the earlier Oh God you can tell looking at him he's the town the town [ __ ] magnet wait what what was that effect they really are the x-men huh oh yeah I told you he's the sex guide bad we've we've said we've said it in this show before stupid Google searches are like a staple of a picture show there's why are you the new girl can I get a picture with you you should just rip their [ __ ] head off dude Aimee baston furious you don't know the vile repulsive things they're thinking can you do yeah bro I can read minds pay attention they were thinking about watching the next movie I really want a version of this like I know during the time period there a lot of people making like parodies who's forcing vampires I want one where he is like he still has the mindset of like it's like m'lady I only [ __ ] so I'm starving eats around on a period ah you say you heard what they were thinking I mean I'm God do you think after a hundred years he'd be better at this he's never spoken to a woman before he tried in a hospital at like 18 the Chad Jacob versus the [ __ ] virgin Edward he's telling you what they're thinking sex cat he's saying no thoughts head empty what is going on July delivery what is going on what is going on I just examined the body he died he died how animal attack was it the same one that got that security guards on him it was the same [ __ ] animal it was the same rogue bear who attacked the person in the hospital we have a serial bear on the Lukas he can't keep getting away with this OD I think these murders are starting to bring my mood down a bit I don't know going on 30 years now it's personal he taught me everything I knew about six how'd it be a van he taught me how to make love honey pepper spray you see that bear that got my best friend you [ __ ] it up the cold one people with shitty metabolism we're [ __ ] vampire damn bro can they do that oh that would have been way cooler dead bird Centrex not bad actually like the original soundtrack not the licensed music that's kind of lame it hasn't aged well but the soundtrack is long you've been 17 a couple months yeah it's my birthday soon see a virgin x-men I'm sorry but the packet says I must eat anyone who says the word vampire yeah bro sure just kept a juice cell and that's it that's Twilight yep the end you need to see what I look like in a sunlight they look like [ __ ] this is when you and I hang out yeah you just started illuminating she like thinks about the books you actually are you sure you're vamp are you something else I think you're just sick get out of this up come back over here you guys have a conversation by your your interests what huh names leash rings about each other he doesn't have things about himself wrong fast Sona sorry speed strength look at how he's laying yeah he's laying like like the people relate where they can family having to get knocked out cool yeah little Mortal Kombat stage over there look at their [ __ ] house now this is the I approve of this if I was a vampire and I'm not living it up by clubbing and being being the president or whatever taking over the world I'm gonna live in a nice house in the woods hi I was up being weird in the woods with my boyfriend it's okay Jasper you won't hurt her you could just be like bedrooms cute in a bed where are we gonna [ __ ] no bed so no head I don't sleep I don't sleep I only dream half elves in D&D be like fine you have so much music and what are you listening to 18 naked Cowboys in the showers at Ram ranch make her sobbing Cox wanted to be sucked 18 naked Cowboys wanted to be [ __ ] I can't dance I can always make this is a this is a fragrance commercial he should smell like he wants you ah there is the track of a bear I will kill you bear yeah we found a bear human footprint a bear human footprint II think it's about you now the town is sad this is the idea of like inside the diner there like today we mourn the loss of our friend no don't do it don't again you're engaged no hey wait are you listening hey wake up I'm not done telling you about best season through your friends wake up oh wait bill what turns himself into a pickle should I've ever seen these were in the Goku fit from from read from the burly movie their hats don't fit their head yeah what she weren't like a wig and then the hat on top of it looks like it yeah this guy's hilarious yeah monkey man I'm sorry you what what is snow bunnies be like oh hey Cammy can we play baseball to magneto said that he wants to talk to you I mean I think that guy was an x-men I think he was if he was in first class [Laughter] CGI baseball this [ __ ] smells like [ __ ] mudblood Rosalie's like alright girl has out come on Queen ass out you have to kill them rip them apart and burn the pieces I know I'm not that much fun to be around but I can change that this is quite sad honestly I would watch five movies it's about these two yeah and you know if I don't get out now I'm just gonna be stuck here like mom well technically she left so all right there Maxo don't care more room for me Charlie time hey we can't hang out with them they have colored friends came a warrants about James my dudes kind of [ __ ] uh why don't they just like put her in this room and then just like stay in the house and then just beat the [ __ ] out of him when he shows up there's like six dozen [ __ ] six of them here because you're smart they're not they're [ __ ] five hundred years old so it's really hilarious I never given much thought to how I would die back at the beginning of a movie every great movie starts in media stress what the ending is the beginning every great mood Sonic the Hedgehog does it Catwoman does it because it makes the audience go like I was stupid to be good to a movie me me school pick me these room people Sir Thomas peepers room yeah I'll be real if a horny vampire had me trapped and I was room full of mirrors and I knew I was gonna die I'm just like I was gonna die I want to [ __ ] a vampire before I die fan the opportunity [Music] the goon squad we must do this like civilized people I rip his head off we'd have to do all that I changed my bike can I join the hippie car beard oh that good good mommy let me suck oh oh yeah you're afraid of Moana new girls here meanwhile I'd be like Oh drag me to this place those flashbacks to like the six scenes they never had together 'xs she went over to their hotel tripped [Music] broke a window a window I was I'm sorry I was joking she's clumsy stairs who bought that story stupid-ass crackhead mom she's like she's like listen I know there's murderous vampires but I will not move to Florida well you kind of go to Jackson though so I can't hurt you anymore you know yeah they actually just sold her okay so he's telling you to move to Florida she's a good Christian girl all right you two get the [ __ ] off the busy bow look they're like all right the weirdos are here with Toby that's Co dancin side got the [ __ ] booze are you [ __ ] cat your animatable look why did you save me you just let the venom spread why did she keep saying weird [ __ ] like this you should just let me get hit by a car I need my vampires why'd you save my life she literally has one of her character motivations for why she wants to be a vampire ASAP is she doesn't want to make older than him like people inside like [ __ ] is is he a vampire is it not enough just to have a long and happy life with me could have a really long and happy yeah it's not that long comparatively so like babe I eventually would like a new girlfriend once you turn 25 yeah I followed the Caprio law here and I can't read you I can't read you real babe like I can usually read minds but I can't read you can we make out now I've never done it before Oh turned to a vampire beat me forever I don't know about that Thanos will return it why light numu well I was actually really bad maybe on the next episode what will happen [Music]

Channel: The Cosmonaut Variety Hour

Views: 2,601,484

Keywords: Twilight, Cosmonaut Picture Show, Commentary

Id: 9PyBSTR3aEc

Length: 23min 4sec (1384 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 29 2020