Bright (2017) - A Hot Mess of a Movie

so I saw that new Netflix movie bright and it is not very good when this movie was announced last year and I heard the premise I was so hyped the trailers were pretty good too I thought it sounded like a nice fresh idea and I was totally down to clown with this wild-ass modern fantasy then I watched it and now I'm the clown I don't even know what I'm saying anymore so critics are blasting the hell out of this movie it's been called the worst movie of 2017 it's been called embarrassing a movie so profoundly awful that Republicans will probably try to pass it into law over Christmas break it still is kind of bad though but here's the thing while critics hate the movie normal everyday people actually kind of like it like your mommy and your daddy like Carlos your boss at Subway now I'm gonna address the elephant in the room the people who made this movie don't really have a good track record we've got the director David Ayer who you may have heard of he directed some pretty decent movies actually like a training day end of watch I heard was pretty good I haven't seen it myself [Applause] but hey honestly I was willing to give this guy the benefit of the doubt suicide squads biggest problem was the fact that DC took this guy is finished movie chopped it up reshot half of it without explaining anything and then put it back together without consulting him they literally Frankenstein - this guy's movie so I was willing to give him another chance but speaking of Frankenstein we have the screenwriter of the movie max landis you may know Landis as a guy who made some decent YouTube videos also he's kind of a terrible person I've expressed a certain level of respect for Landis in the past but in light of recent allegations it doesn't really matter how much I like Chronicle doesn't really stop him from being a piece of poo do Carlos from Subway and everybody else on the internet who like this movie seemed to think that critics are full of [ __ ] some people think it was the best movie of 2017 probably because they didn't go see Lady Bird but the weirdest thing is that there are many people who think critics are banding together giving the movie bad reviews because they were paid off by larger studios in order to make sure a big-budget blockbuster type movie wouldn't succeed on a streaming service like Netflix this is lunacy but I'm gonna try to go through it and explain exactly why critics aren't very fond of it and why it's honestly not a very good movie not because of any outside controversy or conspiracy the movie just sucks on its own so let's dive right in and see why oh boy nothing screams pretentious like a movie starting with a fake quote from its own universe so let me go ahead and explain the premise of this movie because it's kind of the entire point this movie is set in modern-day LA except in this universe orcs and elves and fairies and all that stuff are real also there's magic this is a world where we continued developing into the modern era while living alongside these fantasy creatures now like I said when I heard the premise I was stoked it sounded so wild and I'm always down to give a crazy idea a chance so that's probably the biggest compliment I can give the movie it's trying something different so the movie opens up and we see that our main characters are Will Smith playing Will Smith as a cop and the guy from it comes at night playing his orc cop partner he's a apparently the first-ever orc cop so this is kind of a big deal see orcs are kind of like black people but way way way way more hated than black people are in real life and this is coming from a black person now you guys know I don't like to get social justice in my videos because I'm not really that kind of guy but I don't really need to in order to explain what's wrong with this allegory in this story whenever white guys write stories about prejudice it comes across as incredibly unrealistic kind of like cartoon prejudice there are moments in this movie where you realize that most humans who aren't Will Smith would probably just murder all the orcs if they were given the chance now orcs are hated in this world because 2,000 years ago there was some [ __ ] Lord of the Rings war or something and there was a Dark Lord who we can only see through graffiti and accounts from the characters plus I should mention that he's an elf so people hate the orcs because they sided with the Dark Lord during this war long ago but on the other hand elves are the richest and most powerful people in the world so why aren't they getting shafted - the Lord of [ __ ] darkness was an elf nobody says anything about that so orcs are the only people in this world who are suffering because I guess black people are the only ones who are suffering in the real world see how this doesn't really make any sense and we only just started what also confuses me is that they're still black people you're telling me that all the human races just get along now because there's orcs to hate of all people chance the [ __ ] rapper said it best with one tweet I always feel a little bit cheated when I see allegorical racism in movies because that racism usually stems from human emotion or tolerance but not by law or systems the way that it is in real life the characters in hashtag bright live in a timeline where racism is gone because we hate orc now confused emoji he's [ __ ] right but do you think he's being paid off by a film company to give a bad review no probably not personally my race usually has nothing to do with my reviews I just don't like when world-building is done badly anyway I talked about that a little too much so in the beginning of the movie Will Smith and his or Coby are getting burritos when some random freak runs out of a store and shoots Will Smith so the main conflict in the beginning of this movie is that Jacoby sucks at his job and he didn't catch the shooter also there's a conspiracy that he let the shooter go because he's an orc see Jacobi's hated the orcs because he shaved off his tusks and he's friends with humans but he's not really friends with humans because humans [ __ ] hate him because he's an orc Will Smith hates him because the other cops are bullying him for having an orc partner so takobi just doesn't have any [ __ ] friends okay so how are we gonna show the audience that the other cops don't like Jacobi we need to convey the message in just one short scene one short interaction I don't worry guys I got this classic I think it would have been more realistic to show some of the orcs getting along with some of the humans like at least a little bit it would have made the world a little more believable there's hostility in our world but we're still able to work together most of the time black people white people can get along I kind of expect to see more high society orcs and humans but instead we're shown that elves are kind of the head honchos if this was the real world there would be civil unrest people don't like seeing other people in places of power that they aren't allowed to reach but whatever it's just a dumb movie about a magic wand why do I give a [ __ ] now while I'm complaining about this stuff the movie honestly isn't really that bad yet it's building some unique ideas the editing and writing aren't terrible although there are some pretty cringy lines fairy lives don't matter today oh boy so other than some weird nitpicky stuff things aren't really that bad yet but trust me when I say that [ __ ] takes a full [ __ ] dive into insanity pretty quickly so Will Smith doesn't like Jacobi and Jacobi's miserable and just wants to do his job and be a good cop so they drive around to do cop stuff they go ahead and arrest this drunk guy with a long sword in the streets and it leads to this everywhere I go live works always gotta be the bad guys hey don't look at me man Mexicans still get [ __ ] for the [ __ ] wait so the Alamo happened in this world how do you explain that at this point Will Smith picks up the sword and they hold the shot long enough to make you think oh okay Will Smith is probably gonna use that sword later it's even a main focal point in the first trailer but now you don't ever see this sword ever again while the cops drive the drunk guy to jail he starts speaking in orcish some prophecy [ __ ] saying that orc traditions will save Jacobi and how Will Smith is some blessed individual we'll see later how this turns out to be really [ __ ] stupid so we find out later that this homeless guy is some kind of wizard or something it's not really clear but he it's interrogated by the magic task force yeah okay then they give us this exposition on how there's this group of evil elves trying to resurrect our on with some magic wands now magic wands are like super-strong weapons that can grant wishes but they can only be wielded by a special kind of person known as a bright hey that's the name of the show so usually elves are brights but one in a million humans can be brights too we are told this right after we hear the same dude to say that Will Smith is blessed so it's pretty obvious the cops go to this random house and they see some weird Dark Soul [ __ ] and then we're shown whatever the [ __ ] this is supposed to be so then they meet this little elf lady named tika which is a silly name and she doesn't speak any English but she has a magic wand this is where the movie starts to completely [ __ ] lose it hold on tight Will Smith reports this and his boss and some other [ __ ] cops show up and they look at the wand so now they want to keep the wand for themselves to gain fame or fortune or make a big bigger other things oh and also they somehow think that this is a good opportunity to just murder Jacoby I don't actually know why they think this is a good idea they tell Will Smith that he has to kill Jacobi or they're just gonna kill both of them what even as someone just jumping into this world I'm led to believe that these jackasses can't even use the wand we are literally told that if anybody who isn't a bright tries to use the wand they just explode so why is this even a discussion also when Will Smith goes outside to confront him the cops revealed that they're just gonna kill Will Smith anyway why don't they just shoot Will Smith right now like if they're just gonna kill him anyway just kill him now and then go outside and kill Jacoby so basically the only good person in this movie is Jacoby but he's kind of annoying and he's an idiot so he's not very likable either so Jacoby proves himself to Will Smith then he tells the truth about what happened when he got shot and then Will Smith decides that it's about time the movie stopped making sense altogether don't ork that shot you got Award it's time much say I get that cops don't like dive around like Max Payne like there's a certain form that you're supposed to have while shooting a gun but you think Will Smith would like duck for cover or something and maybe like express some sort of emotion at the fact that he's murdering his colleagues he's just standing there completely sure that he can kill all four trained police officers and just not get hurt so now everybody in the city seems to know that Will Smith has a magic wand this starts a rat race across LA with everybody trying to kill Will Smith and steal the magic wand for themselves everybody wants the wand but they know they aren't allowed to use it so our three heroes spend the next half hour just showing up at places without any explanation on what they're doing or what their plan is oh look now they're at a party don't mind us just two Bloody cops with guns and an elf just just pass them through I love that nobody cares at all but also the elf bi I came up with that joke all by myself show up in that one place and then you're gonna think to yourself maybe I'll finally learn what the [ __ ] that weird thing stuck on the wall is nope but seriously though why are the bad guys always able to find Will Smith and Jacobi wherever they go do they have a magic wand tracking system Will Smith even gets them a change of clothes so they can stay hidden but right after that they get jumped in the strip club now this is a problem with the screen writing the characters enter the strip club and Will Smith seems to know that there's gonna be a fight there he tells two random ask people to evacuate and then he just doesn't talk to anybody else that's kind of messed up I guess all those other innocent people can just go [ __ ] themselves so then they wait there with their guns out until the bad guys come in first of all why did you change clothes if you knew that they were gonna find you anyway and you're waiting there expecting to be found then what's the point of changing secondly I ask again how the [ __ ] did the gangsters find them how small is this [ __ ] town thirdly when the fight starts Ward seems frustrated that they got cornered here why did you come here and just wait for them to come and try to kill you why didn't you just leave fourthly why don't you just let these guys take the wand they can't use it we watch some random jackasses get obliterated trying to use one if he wants the wand just give it to him watch and blow up and then leave I'm so confused now if there's some way for a wand to work without you having to actually touch it then why don't you just use it to get out of here then it doesn't matter because the evil elves show up and they murder everybody with like karate or something I guess it's too expensive to get real actors to scream on camera so let's just throw in the most overused stock screaming effects ever what the [ __ ] was that what was that guy even doing so then they get away from these guys and they decide to meet with the Alamo dude from earlier since he's probably not gonna try to [ __ ] them for the wand because they're friends or whatever the guys on our watch try to do us over a 1 we have a wine we have a magic wand this is the funniest Will Smith movie I've ever seen and it's not on purpose so they decided to call the FBI agent and try to get them to safely take the wand away from them but then wait what was that controlling the whole city cellphone line is that how it works your cell phone signal is transferred from cell to cell depending on your location it's not Howard so then the most confusing thing in the movie happens the Alamo sheriff guy decides to cuff Jacoby he claims that apparently the guys that they just called and made peaceful arrangements with are going to shoot Jacoby if they don't put him in handcuffs he's not cuffed by the time they get here they're gonna smoke both you [ __ ] what he doesn't even know what's going on the FBI agent tells them he will not be incriminated for shooting the other cops oh oh now we have to cuff Will Smith to why this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen explain yourselves I guess they wanted a reason to have them in handcuffs for the fight scene wait and then just take the handcuffs off what was the point of any of that so then we get an action scene oh boy Jacoby gets hit by a [ __ ] car and I guess he's okay I mean sure if he can shrug that off then it doesn't really matter if somebody shoots him so we saw that the elves are basically super strong ninjas but all it takes to incapacitate them now is to throw a bottle detergent at them I love how these elves had pinpoint accurate [ __ ] gun shots but now they can't kill two guys so Will Smith blows up the elves and they escape the elves are also immune to explosions I guess you can tell because new me over here just kind of ignores being on fire and if you didn't get the idea the first time we get this awkward shot I mean crap man look at that they escape and they run like ten feet before more gangsters find them and confront them for the wand I'd like to repeat how the [ __ ] is everybody finding them so I need you to take your fat Shrek looking ass back to your vehicle and drive the [ __ ] home to Fiona all right wait wait a minute Shrek exists in this world like the film franchise Shrek exists I'm sorry but hold on a second I really need to break this down so you're telling me that in this world where orcs and elves and fairies and magic are real dreamworks exists and it decided to still make a movie that spoofs fairytales would at most of the point of shrek not make sense if all the [ __ ] in this movie was real like I feel like fairy tales wouldn't really be the same in this world right are you telling me that the Lord of the Rings exists too that's not how you world build you can't just say oh this is Earth we're elves and orcs live and there's magic but otherwise everything is exactly the same that's not how it would work the existence of magic is going to change how everything works in this world it's going to especially change the kind of media they have I know this is just a throwaway line and it seems like I'm nitpicking but this is kind of the biggest problem with the movie at first it might seem interesting to have a movie with this sort of premise but it's not fleshed out at all whatever anyway so the orcs go ahead and take him to their Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and they ask him where the wand is and of course they do not tell them where the wand is why don't you let them just take the wand we are shown that some elves can use them and sometimes in rare circumstances humans can too but they don't say [ __ ] about orcs I can't stop thinking about it the rules of this universe make no sense also we know Tico or whatever her name is can use the wand that would be a really great time to use the wand lady I really think you need to use the wand I seriously honestly think this is a good time to use the wand use the one [ __ ] Jesus Christ are you brain-dead you know your life is on the line if you don't use the watch see okay wasn't that hard it was in your [ __ ] skin how you can't just keep showing me [ __ ] without explaining anything also the orc that Jacobi saves in the earlier portion of the story is here and he's like no dad we can't kill them because he saved my life and you're like okay so that's how they get out of here but now the guy is just like that's nice son okay let's get back to killing them what's the point of even having him there if there's no emotional payoff or story payoff I guess you couldn't think of any other way to reincorporate the kid who's right in this [ __ ] I really I do I want this to be my Star Wars I'd also like to point out earlier how the hobo Wizards said that the orc traditions would save him or traditions kind of [ __ ] killed him so I guess you were full of [ __ ] hell if anything saved him it was the elf so Hermione Granger brings back to Coby after he gets shot and all the orcs are like wow amazing I they just let them leave okay that doesn't really even seem possible if you think about it so then Will Smith is like you're bright you're a [ __ ] bright uh yeah no [ __ ] dude you don't remember when she used the wand when you like first met her you even reported that she was a bright possibly - hey that's the name of the show I didn't know this was a secret are you telling me that you just forgot were you seriously just bringing her along with you for the hell of it also I only started my training she speaks English now she speaks English pretty good now - now you trust them just now they've been dragging you through a war zone for no apparent reason other than to keep you safe hell I thought they had a reason but they don't which is arguably more heroic even if it is stupid there are many moments where your life depended on you communicating with these two was it really more sensible to frantically scream at them in a language they don't speak whatever so taco decides to be nice and finally explain some [ __ ] to the audience apparently she defected from the bad elves and they sent that weird fucked-up chick on the wall to kill her with the magic wand so the main elf lady has one wand that she will murder people for that she will start a war over and she gives it to one person so they can use it to kill Riki Tiki why don't you send your [ __ ] hit squad there it seems like you guys are pretty good at killing people with a small group of elf ninjas better yet why don't you just use your magic wand to wish her dead why'd you just send one person with your most prized possession to kill someone who was capable of stealing your prized possession so then Jacoby goes ahead and explained some more lore for the audience Jarek what's unbloodied like me an orc nobody heard about united enemies and they don't think it the Dark Lord he was a farmer who changed the world they raised their blades damn prophecy would [ __ ] man that sounds awesome I won't watch that movie can i watch that one instead now Timon is dying for some unexplained reason I guess because she used the wand I don't know I thought a bright could use the wand and not get hurt I wouldn't be annoyed with this if they just told me why she's dying so they take her back to the house where they found her because the swimming-pool there will heal her I don't know her words not mine and then we get another ninja fight except now Will Smith is stronger than the lady who killed 20 people in five [ __ ] seconds so here we get a scene with the evil elfin tikka masala interacting sort of if you've been paying attention you may notice that we as an audience have no connection to these characters whatsoever yet now they start showing us their relationship but there's only ten minutes of the movie left she's been running around with Will Smith the whole movie but we never learned anything about her we have no reason to care about her at all so it's a little late now this whole video may have seemed like I was just nitpicking but all those nitpicks were just the whole movie oh yeah and we have Will Smith over here with a stick a screwdriver what is that what do you what are you holding in your hand right now now bear with me but at first I thought this was another magic wand because at the beginning of the movie they say that there are other magic wands they say they need three wands to resurrect the Dark Lord or whatever but the thing is it doesn't really matter that they need three wands that's a pointless concept because we only ever see one one there really isn't any significance to telling me they need three wands if that isn't gonna be incorporated into the plot in any way this is like screenwriting 101 don't tell me a plot detail if it doesn't actually matter you really need to proofread your work so anyway it decides to just risk it all and grab the magic wand and then the elf says this you're not a bright you touch my wand so yeah I was [ __ ] right anyone who picks it up will just blow up unless they're a bright why were we worried about people taking the wand oh but no problem because apparently Will Smith is a bright big [ __ ] surprise they literally told you like twice in the movie so the only way to find out if you're a bright in this world is to try and use the wand and if you're wrong you just blow up there's got to be a better way to do that if a wand grants wishes can't you just wish to find out who else is a bright can you just wish for another wand all we see from the wand is a fireball and a resurrection and whatever the [ __ ] that was if that's the extent of their power then I'm not very impressed I don't really see what all the fuss was about so Will Smith hadoukens the bad elf and they blow up the house now after all that [ __ ] the falling action consists of Will Smith and Jacobi just [ __ ] explaining everything we just saw I'm not joking they literally just recite the entire story Danny wanted officer Ward to shoot me they wanted him to kill resealed a baby snake again whatever gangsters showed up and it just went you know guys I watched the movie and then the movie ends and when I first watched this all I felt was confusion and then disappointment this movie builds up concepts and ideas and it just doesn't deliver on them now I've talked before about how nitpicks don't really kill a movie but in this case there's so many nitpicks that it kind of makes the movie fall apart plus the characters aren't interesting or relatable there's no coherent plot and the whole movie is just things happening without explanation and this is why critics hate this movie and normal people like it it's fun and it's enjoyable to watch in the moment but if you actually sit and think about what you're looking at you're probably gonna get frustrated this is cool world and it should have been used by a better team this [ __ ] just ain't good guys you did a bad job so I'm gonna have to ask you to go ahead and turn in your moviemaking badges you're officially off the force hey guys thanks for watching this video I hope you liked it at least a little bit if you want to tell me why I'm wrong and why you like this movie my Twitter handles down there so go ahead and yell at me all you like if you want to support us so we can make more hot takes like this then head over to the patreon you can get some nice goodies over there

Channel: The Cosmonaut Variety Hour

Views: 3,373,460

Keywords: cosmonaut variety hour, cosmonaut, commentary, movie review, why it sucks, bright, will smith, max landis, david ayer

Id: L7IuyfYMHhQ

Length: 24min 33sec (1473 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 31 2017