>>> AND NOW THE THING THAT WILL CHANGE EVERYONE'S MINDS. THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> I'M SUSAN PAGE AND I MISSED BOOK CLUB FOR THIS TONIGHT WE'LL BE DISCUSSING A WHO CARES NUMBER OF TOPICS, EACH LASTING I COULDN'T TELL YOU MINUTES. BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE, IF ANYTHING'S GOING TO BE TRENDING ON TWITTER TONIGHT, IT WILL BE ONE OF THE HUMANS INVOLVED IN THIS DEBATE. LET'S WELCOME THEM NOW VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE. [ LAUGHTER ] AND SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ♪ >> OH, THAT'S RIGHT! THE SENATOR FROM CALIFORNIA IS PRESENT. >> THANK YOU, SENATOR. TONIGHT YOU'LL NOTICE BETWEEN THE CANDIDATES WE'VE INSTALLED BUFFET-STYLE SNEEZE GUARDS, ON ACCOUNT OF ONE OF YOU WORKS FOR PATIENT ZERO >> IT'S ACTUALLY FINE BY ME, SUZANNE. 12 FEET APART AND SEPARATED BY PLEXIGLASS IS HOW MOTHER AND I SLEEP. >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MY FIRST QUESTION IS FOR YOU. >> THANK YOU >> THE TOPIC IS CORONAVIRUS. >> DAMMIT. >> NOW, YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE, AND SINCE YOU TOOK CHARGE, OVER 200,000 AMERICANS HAVE DIED. HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT? >> WELL, SUSAN, I'D LIKE TO BEGIN BY STALLING, HARD. WE'RE IN UTAH, WOW WHAT A MAGNIFICENT STATE EVEN THOUGH THEIR BASKETBALL TEAM IS NAMED AFTER MY GREATEST FEAR, JAZZ I YIELD THE REMAINDER OF MY TIME. >> ALL RIGHT SENATOR HARRIS >> THIS IS WHAT THEY DO, SUZANNE. THEY AVOID TAKING ANY RESPONSIBILITY - >> WE DO NOT. >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I'M SPEAKING [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SPEAKING. >> WELL, I'M JUST TRYING - >> STILL SPEAKING. >> BUT I - >> SEE, I'M SPEAKING I'M SPEAKING RIGHT NOW, ARIZONA, CALIFORNIA, SOME MART PARTS OF , I'M SPEAKING. >> I UNDERSTAND THAT. >> I DON'T THINK YOU DO. >> I DO. >> BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING AND I'M SPEAKING THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS CONSISTENTLY LIED TO US ABOUT THE VIRUS. THEY SAID THEY WANTED TO KEEP US CALM LET ME ASK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THIS HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING TO GET YOUR NEXT ROLL OF TOILET PAPER? HM HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN YOU WERE STARING AT THAT CARDBOARD TUBE WHEN YOU FINISHED THE ROLL, AND YOU THOUGHT, WELL, IT'S TECHNICALLY PAPER? AND HOW CALM WERE YOU WHEN EVEN THAT TUBE WAS GONE AND YOU LOOKED AT YOUR OLD T-SHIRTS AND A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND THOUGHT, ARE WE DOING THIS? [ LAUGHTER ] NOW, I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE VICE PRESIDENT'S RESPONSE, AND WHILE HE SPEAKS, I'M GOING TO SMILE AT HIM LIKE I'M IN A TJ MAXX AND A WHITE LADY ASKS ME IF I WORK HERE >> LOOK. I PROMISE YOU THE PRESIDENT HAS TAKEN THIS VIRUS SERIOUSLY SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING OF LAST WEEK. >> OKAY, SO NOW, SUSAN WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS I'M GOING TO MORE OF A CLAIR HUXTABLE SIDE EYE. >> PRESIDENT TRUMP PUTS THE HEALTH OF ALL AMERICANS WAY AHEAD OF HIS OWN PERSONAL AND FINANCIAL GAIN >> HM. OKAY, SO NOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS I'M GOING TO FIX MY FACE SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M THINKING BUT EVERY BLACK WOMAN AT HOME KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING. AND A FEW OF THE WHITE WOMEN AND ALL OF THE GAYS. >> BUT ENOUGH ABOUT COVID. LET'S FOCUS ON THE TWO ISSUES AMERICANS DO CARE ABOUT. SWINE FLU AND FRACKING >> IF ANYONE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT FRACKING, IT'S MY GUY, JOE BIDEN. JOE BIDEN FRACS IN HIS FREE TIME JOE BIDEN WILL FRACK YOU SO GOOD, PENNSYLVANIA AND WHILE I PERSONALLY WANTED TO BAN FRACKING, NOW THAT I KNOW PENNSYLVANIA LOVES IT, I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS YOUS GOISE CAN BET ON YOUR WAWA CHEESESTEAK HOAGIE AND ALL THE WATER IN THE SCHUYLKILL RIVER ON BIDEN FRACKING, AND GO EAGLES. >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, I HAVE TO ASK THIS WHAT IS THE CURRENT HEALTH OF PRESIDENT TRUMP? >> THANK YOU FOR ASKING, SUSAN >> OH, I WASN'T ASKING OUT OF SYMPATHY, MIKE, I WAS ASKING I'VE A SIMMERING RAGE FOR HIS INCOMPETENCE AND A SADISTIC HOPE THAT HE IS NOT WELL. >> UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THEN, THE PRESIDENT IS DOING AMAZING THANKS TO HIS TEAM OF TERRIFIED DOCTORS. AS YOU HEARD FROM HIS PRIMARY PHYSICIAN, DR. HANDSOME LIAR, TRUMP IS IN PEAK PHYSICAL CONDITION. >> UH-HUH. AND TO BE CLEAR, WHAT IS MEDICATIONS HAS THE PRESIDENT TAKEN? >> ALMOST NONE, SUSAN. HE'S TAKEN ASPIRIN, WHICH HE'S ALWAYS TAKEN AN INJECTION OF EXPERIMENTAL MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES. A MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AMOUNT OF STEROIDS. A WOMAN'S PROBIOTIC FOR BALANCE. 60 CCs OF HELIUM INTO HIS SKULL SO HIS HEAD DOESN'T FALL OVER ON TV >> SO LIKE A BALLOON HEAD? >> THAT'S CORRECT. LIKE A BALLOON HEAD, YES HE'S ALSO TAKING VIAGRA FOR MORALE, AND SOME HORNY GOAT WEED HE BOUGHT AT A GAS STATION, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT BELIEVES IN MEDICINE. UNLIKE SENATOR HARRIS, WHO SAID SHE WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE A VACCINE. >> IF DR. FAUCI SAYS A VACCINE IS GOOD, I WILL BE THE FIRST IN LINE LIKE IT'S AN ANN TAYLOR SAMPLE SALE. BUT IF TRUMP SAYS IT'S SAFE, I WILL THROW THAT VACCINE IN THE TRASH LIKE LASTWEEK'S SHRIMP PAD THAI BESIDES, MAMA'S GOT ALL THE VACCINE SHE NEEDS RIGHT HERE >> SENATOR HARRIS, IF ELECTED, WOULD YOU PACK THE SUPREME COURT? >> SUSAN, INSTEAD OF ANSWERING THAT EXACT QUESTION, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU THE STORY OF WHEN JOE PICKED ME TO BE HIS RUNNING MATE JOE TOLD ME WE WERE JUST GOING OUT FOR DINNER THEN HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE THAT'S WHEN I KNEW THAT HE NEEDED HELP UP AFTER THAT, HE GATHERED HIMSELF AND SAID, "KA-MAH-LA, LET'S DO THIS.” AND I SAID, "IT'S KAMALA.” AND HE SAID, "I WILL NEVER, EVER GET THAT RIGHT.” >> THAT'S VERY SWEET AND VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, HOW DID PRESIDENT TRUMP ASK YOU? >> HE TEXTED ME. OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE RELIGIOUS PSYCHOS MADE ME PICK PENCE. THEN HE TEXTED, OOPS, WRONG PERSON HE HASN'T TEXTED ME SINCE. OH, EXCEPT IN MARCH HE WROTE, CORONAVIRUS, YOURS NOW >> AND I'M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO STOP THAT VIRUS? BECAUSE JOE BIDEN AND I HAVE A PLAN - >> OH, LIKE SWINE FLU? >> WHAT? >> SWINE FLU 2 MILLION DEAD >> 2 MILLION >> IF YOU INCLUDE THE SWINE. THOSE POOR LITTLE PIGGIES. >> OKAY, THIS FOOL'S UP HERE TALKING ABOUT DEAD PIGS. >> LORD LOVE A DUCK. KAMALA CAN'T GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE THIS JOKER DROPS MORE ROAD APPLES THAN A BULL EATING A BRAN MUFFIN >> CALM DOWN, JOE, IT'S OKAY >> NO, IT'S NOT, JILL. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING I NEED TO TELEPORT TO THAT DEBATE AND SAVE THE SOUL OF THIS NATION WHOA, GOT UP TOO FAST. >> SIR, THE TELEPORTATION MACHINE'S NOT READY YET. IT NEEDS AT LEAST SIX MORE MONTHS >> YOU HEARD HIM, JOE, IT'S TOO DANGEROUS. AND WHAT ABOUT COVID PROTOCOLS >> DON'T WORRY, I'LL WEAR A MASK ON MY EYES >> AND THAT IS HOW PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL MAKE THE ECONOMY BETTER BY MAKING IT WORSE. >> I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT, VICE PRESIDENT PENCE. THERE'S A -- >> WAR ON POLICE IN THIS COUNTRY? I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. >> NO, NO, THERE'S A -- UM -- THERE'S A GIANT -- >> LACK OF RESPECT FOR MILITIAS? YOU'RE DARN RIGHT. >> NO. SENATOR HARRIS, HELP ME OUT. >> OH, NO, I'M GOOD. [ LAUGHTER ] LOOKING REAL GOOD, MIKE, KEEP IT UP >> LET ME AT HIM LET ME AT HIM! >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, DO YOU NOT FEEL THAT AT ALL >> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I FEEL, SUSAN. I FEEL FOR THE BUSINESSES THAT ARE GOING TO BE CRIPPLED BY JOE BIDEN'S TAX CUTS >> YES, YES. YOUR ECONOMY IS SO IN THE TOILET I WANT TO LAY MY EGGS ON IT. WHAT, WHAT >> OH, NO, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A FLY IN THE TELEPORTATION MACHINE. THAT'S WHY JOE TURNED INTO A FLY. >> YEAH, BUT THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY HE SOUNDS LIKE JEFF GOLDBLUM >> GOD CREATED DINOSAURS DINOSAURS BECOME REPUBLICANS REPUBLICANS CREATE TRUMP TRUMP DESTROYS GOD HM >> OH, NO. NOW HE'S GONE FULL GOLDBLUM. >> EVEN HAS THE GLASSES. >> APARTMENTS.COM. THE MOST POPULAR PLACE TO FIND A PLACE. NO, NO YES, YES BECAUSE LIFE FINDS A WAY >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT? >> YES >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE. >> ANOTHER ANTIFA RALLY? NO SURPRISE THERE. >> OH, HONEY, AT THIS POINT I'M JUST ENJOYING THE SHOW >> MAN, WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IS MIKE PENCE TRYING TO PULL? >> DO TELL, DO TELL. WAIT -- I'M SORRY -- FRIEND, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR. >> WELL, I BETTER. I'M HERMAN CAIN. REINCARNATED AS A DAMN FLY AND THESE FOOLS, TRUMP AND PENCE, KILLED ME, MAN. THEY INVITED ME TO A RALLY WITH NO MASK AND SAID, EVERYTHING'S FINE, HERMAN I TELL CORONA, IT DON'T TELL ME, EVERYTHING IS FINE, HERMAN THE WHITE HOUSE DOCTORS CHECK ME OUT, EVERYTHING'S FINE, HERMAN THREE DAYS LATER, I GET IT IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS AT HOME, DON'T TRUST THIS WHITE DEVIL ABOUT THAT RONA. >> VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, I -- I THINK ONE OF YOUR FLIES IS SCREAMING AT YOU >> GONNA GIVE YOU THE RONA >> OKAY, I THINK WE NEED TO SHUT THIS DEBATE DOWN FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY SENATOR HARRIS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO WHAT EVERYONE AT HOME WANTS TO DO? >> OH, I WOULD >> FLIES, ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE TO ADD? >> AM I DYING AGAIN? >> BE AFRAID BE VERY AFRAID AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
I saw a lot of criticism of Carrey as Biden in this sketch before watching it but he spends significantly more time impersonating Goldblum than Biden
I just need to know who wrote “whiteys gonna give you the ‘rona!”
This was embarrassingly bad.