So I was gonna make a joke about: "no day one update"... It's almost like Nintendo finished their game before they released it and then the game was like, "there's an update available". I can imagine the voice acting... (Danny DeVito voice) DIS IS THE END FOR YOU! Somehow Bowser is Danny DeVito... so we're... [tiny laugh] We're right in it. ...couple... couple grumbles... A wandering hat spirit decides to... save... ...a young plumber's livelihood. What if Mario's dead...? And this is... like some kind of purgatory. I think this is purgatory. Trailer shot! One of the main problems I had with Mario 64 was that, like weak ass little punch... WHAT!? ...THE FUCK ARE EVEN FROGS!?! Holy shi- is Mario going through the frogs, like, cellular s- like, fucking nervous system?! (Mario voice) Rii-Riibit.. Mario: "Aaaaah!!" Vinny: Top-quality voice-acting by Charles. It would take me a very long time, I'd have to... you know, I'd have to understand... what it would be like to be a frog philosophically before I could just start jumping around, you know? Do you think that feels good? It looks like he's enjoying himself, but it's like a pleasure/pain thing? (laughs) Look at those cheeks! It's like they really captured the essence... of an old Italian man... ...whose business has failed because he was off, chasing like turtles and shit. Holy shit. Well you're mine now, I'm a fucking DINOSAUR! The Super Mario Brothers movie has finally been realized. Open the door, get on the floor, everybody do the dinosaur... Or is it "everybody walk the dinosaur"? Fuck, I always forget... Yeah... Aw, I bet you think you're special... BUT I'M A FUCKIN' DINOSAUR! This is why it's great to be a dinosaur...
(Laughs of deepest joy) Nothing matters... You don't take shits, only give shits. Oh. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! What is this?! Goddammit, can't fucking escape rabbits... (Awkward chuckling) Remember those physics I was telling you about? You know those... those.... Those physics, them those physics? Alright, the hat is pretty cool. It's not as cool as Mario's head as a spaceship. Oh my god... You must first cross the shrine of the silver monkey... I didn't realize sombreros and ponchos came with a guitar. No shit, what are you? What? Oh, you know, I though that was just a style thing, but you can actually see secrets. This is an independent life form. This is an intelligent... ...sentient life form that Mario is just taking over. This- this is like fucking... Bran and Hodor. This is not fair. (Guttural noises and screams) STOP YOURSELF, MARIO! WATCH YOURSELF! "My beautiful sheep, the three of them escaped I'll never get them... baaack..." Whoa... Nonono, you don't- No, sheep, please... Wrong way (laughing) Oh no! What have I done?! NOHOHO! I'm so sorry... Okay, yeah, here you go... whoever thought that dinosaur was out of place... Here you go! Mr. Human Man- Person- Human... Generic (Imitating the human)
Heyowoobatat! But all I had to do was not do that... Oh, OH... Man, am I happy I did that. Here we have our first sightings of Mario's meme nipples... I couldn't believe after the last trailer, how many people were... like talking about... Mario nipples, it was trending on fucking Twitter. I don't know why people were so surprised that Mario's... Mario had the nipples... We've seen them before in the cartoons and stuff... of course people wanted to see the chest hair cause you know he's a- He's a hairy Italian. That's not always true... (In tune to the Mario Galaxy star collection jingle) Dun, duuuuuuuuuuuu, dundundun duuuuuuuuuuh- NIPS! You did it. Sixt- come on Nintendo you couldn't just add one more moon? Just one more... Oh, shit! Look at he go. Trying his hardest. Finally a Goomber is useful. I kinda don't like the sound of Mario's feet slapping against the ice like that. It's kinda making me really uncomfortable... I UNDERESTIMATED!! I UNDERESTIMATED!!!!! The brother Bullet Bill, the brother Bullet Bill, ra ta ta ra ra ra rah~♪ Yeah. Oh. Oh shit, this is awesome. I gotta give credit where credit is due, even with another hand battle. There's still something new to do I'd fucking- Jeremy Nintendo knows his shit. Uncle amiibo. (Creepy Uncle voice) Hey kiddie. I'm uncle amiibo. Pleased to make your acquaintance and all that. Hey, you got any amiibo? (Normal voice) You're an addict, Uncle amiibo... Get ready... for the best costume in the game. (Waluigi voice) WAAAAAAAAH! That looks great on you! And hey, don't be a stranger! Oh shit. Oh nono, I need these. ~OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo~ (Smeagol voice) This spot looks pretty good for a blood pumping power dive. SKREEEEEE~~ (Joyous laughter) Wait, it's got glasses? Toad?! CAPTAIN TOAD!?! (Screeching Toad noise) (Vinny chuckles) Fuckin' Toad. "The air is so fresh here." I mean you were pretty much suffocating just a second ago. This better be worth it. There better be some pasta fazool at the end of this beanstalk! Luigi, I don't know why my voice cracked, Luigi. I can see the top. It's almost there. It's almost there... Sunken cost fallacy, go! It's just one moon... Finally we know what the Fire bro's hair looks like. The questching... The quesching? The question that has been burning... Think I need more goombers. Oh wait. There is plenty. You look away, and the goombers keep continuing to respawn. Holy shit. (uproarious giggling again) Aw man, I was hoping for some story. I really wanted to know what the fuck was happening here. We will never know. Start trying- oh... (Laughing) I like this one though. (Super Show Mario voice) Luigi, my life is in the dumper. I can't even swim, I need a- I need a inner tube an' a bunch of swimmies. The rock is gone. You can go inside now. Thank God The Rock is gone, that dude can do a suplex. Let me show you Mario plus his new wife. There you go. They're in love. Goombridella. Oh my God. No... I love the bouquet. Come on, come on lad... no hard feelings... No shit. Nice. Kinda just punching Bowser in the cock. I don't know if anyone at Nintendo noticed this. I love Bowser's hair. There's an attempt to style it to the side a little bit. You know what I'm gonna say right? No, I'm not going to make a human centipede joke... Do you think when Charles retires, they're gonna get someone that sounds like Charles? Or you think they're gonna go for something like... (Gruffly) WOOHOO! (Still gruff) Yay! Like they get me... Is that the Brooklyn Bridge? I don't remember my- I dont remember my Brooklyn looking so weird... I'm sorry, but I really don't have time to chat right now. I need to figure out a way to save my city. Me head into the city? Fuggedaboutit! Fuggedabou... tit. Still so weird that there's is a real-life city in a Mario game... Hello real person. ...a little strange that there are real people, in this Mario game. Mario is only up to their crotch. that neck... Look at that head stalk, it's so fucking long... (Ratso Rizzo voice) HEY I'M WALKIN' HERE! Where's delis? I need a deli. I need a bagel with cream cheese and bacon. There's a laptop in a Mario game... What the hell... This is- it really is like New York City though, but without any of the uh, the fat The trash, just a little trash and filth not too much. I love that they brought Pauline back too. (The drummer crashes the cymbals every time Mario jumps on his head) Drum solo. (Trumpet blares) (Trumpet blares repeatedly) (Trumpet, bass and cymbals all strike continuously) Do you see this? (Remix of Super Mario Bros. Theme plays) He dances. DO THE MARIO! What is this? What have you taken me to this nightmare realm for? I took the taxi hoping to get to Staten Island, I ended up in the Bronx, shit... Scoot? Oh, awesome! That's fuckin' awesome. Mario GTA has arrived. Yeah, motherfuckin' cans! So I was gonna show you this trick that I learned. Ground pound... Oh, no, GOD NO! So ground pound and then let go of the button... MOTHER OF FUCK! (incoherent sobbing) [Weakly] Wait until the ground pound is complete before you attempt this trick, please. Just double-checking something here. Oh my god...! Well first of all I just found a secret, but did you see that? (Rapid Mario jump sounds) Ahahahah! There's a good glitch step in this game. So here's scientist Mario okay- I know people think that this is a Rick reference... and as much as I enjoy that show, it is not in fact Rick... Eh, It's- it's not a Rick costume. Sorry to disappoint you. I think the other thing too about this game... Good for me. Good for me. Fuck! Okay, secret. There's a NUT. There's a nut boy... ("Tinky Winky" voice) AH! OOHH! OOOOHHHHHHHH! Three nuts... That's a lot of nuts and seeds to be shared in this game. ("Tinky Winky" voice) AHH! Aw, fuck! Aw, I did it again... [Vinny poorly imitates Cappy] What could go wrong~♪ what could go wro- Oh Jesus. Oh God. Mario...is going to die. No, get up there! (Laughing) I can't do it.... But what if this game was more like Breath Of The Wild and Mario had some kind of like cold meter, and you needed to eat hot peppers... like the next Mario game... the ice level will require Mario to consume spicy meatballs... Rib-Dipa-Diba-doo. (Blows raspberry) BAAAAAALLLLLS!!! I don't know, it just, it's like... you don't... my first... (laughter) initial... You don't want to possess sentient life-forms that can speak and think. Let's see if I could take my own advice... I didn't even press left that hard that time. Holy shit. Getting here was a good jo- "Getting here was good job..." (chuckles) What? "You really are the something."? It's like me streaming... speak. Penguini, where'd you go? Wow, penguinis can fly through walls. I know the perfect place. We'll be there in a flash, once I get the chance to pet one of those giant metal pooches they got here. Yeah, you don't want to do that... Do you think it hurts? Going from 2D to 3D? Do you think Mario's bones break? Or like they flatten? (Tommy Wiseau voice) Oh hi Mark. Do you want to play football on roof? I did not hit her I did not it's bullshit. True love. She loves all four of them. French slug boys. Wait, are they French? They got like big gold chains. (French accent) Oh oui. Try all you want, I will never surrender the delicious Sparkle Water. Don't know why he's French too but- Oh shit, lava brain? Expert swimming. But look at how relaxed they are, look at the- look at the faces. Guys I think this is a crack den... Their eyes are so... so half shut Opium den. Yeah, opioid den, probably not crack... Yeah, these snails would be all like crusty if it was crack so never mind. This is a real picture from Mario Odyssey... Uuuuuuuhhhmmmmm.... I'm considering sending a strongly worded letter to Reggie. I guess, Awww... I can't get up there? I was hoping for like a super-secret. EH! DAAAAAAAH!! (Laughing) Not my smartest move. Auhghgu What WHAT?!? (Pained) No... What are you doing Mari- what the fuck are you doing man? (High-pitched) Mario (Snorts) Like that there's a Hint Toad on this level... (Toad voice) Hey, uhh, Mario. Y'need help findin' the, uuuhhh, THE MOONS?! (Mario voice) Toad, there's only two moons. (Toad voice) I'm desperate, I need da coins. Picture match, picture match, put your best face forward if you can master picture match... I'll give you power moon. So we're just gonna make a vampire Mario Goomba with some kind of... vision defect. Excellent (Laughing) "Looks like you had a lot of fun, though." Yeah, I did. Yeesss~ (Laughing) Yes. Look at the clown. You know I've really never thought about how good a clown outfit would fit Mario, but it's perfect. Wow, that was luck. (Falsetto) What have I dooooone?! What have I done?! Come on, Mario! Argh! ...at most- Oh my god! ~♪ ♪ Oh my god! What have I done?! I find myself... ♪ ♪ ...making mistakes again! ♪ Come on, throw! Throw the clown hat! Throw the hat! Look at the clown... You had to be sacrificed much like Yoshi before you! THE Mushroom Kingdom! ...Yoshi's house?! Oh my god, it's the Yoshi house from fucking Super Mario World. I did- I didn't know this was gonna happen. (Laughing) Wait, that's not a moon! Also the music... That's awesome, I can't get there yet, but it's a taste of what's to come, I suppose That- that is so cool Also, clown Mario is glorious in... ...in classic style, holy shit. This character could have been Just regular Mario look. Mario could have always been a clown... and it would have been totally cool. Let's see... I know what I need to do. I need to go up to the top of the mount- Well... You can't blame me for trying, can you? A-are you... Are you kidding me? I get to be meat? What? What a big, stupid bird. Do I have to, like, fly up this thing's butt? Platforming vomit... Oh, this boss fight is fucking awesome Vomit and Mario go hand-in-hand like (Mario voice) spaghetti and meatballs! Testicle of Christ. NoooooooOOOOOOoooOOOOOOO! Chef Mario to the rescue... On top of... a fucking dragon?! Where did Bowser get a Rathalos? It's pretty amazing... "Ruined Kingdom - Crumbleden"? Dark... Nice! Cool fucking boss fight. I think it want me to save... it from Bowser's... Um, dominion. I think- I think Bowser is influencing this dragons mind, and you can see the, like, the golden Bowser thing... Wait a minute. Why is...? We got some Japanese influence here. Well, this is a little different than usual. Birb Birbario (Pleasured sound) This level doesn't feel like a Bowser level. It kind of doesn't, I agree. I mean I'm okay with that. We've done the same Bowser level for very, very many years, so I'm okay with some risks. I think it's honestly, I think it's paying off. I really like this. Um... (Laughs) Uh, that's kind of cool. Peach: "Mario!"
Tiara: "Help!" Look at that clown. It takes the piss out of the entire cutscene. On the moon? Ooooh! Down with the clown with the big-ass frown. Peck! Yeah, break the legs! I love this bird! K-k-ka-ka-ka! I- I really hope they're just dead now. Can we just never see them again? (Anatoly Cherdenko voice) I'll go to the one place they can't find me.... SPACE! As 'spected, gravity's, like, kind of weird here. So what have we got? Flat Earth disproven; ancient aliens proven. Thanks, Mario. "Should you really be answering questions right now?" No. "Do what you must. I am done." Oh, you cheap asshole This sphinx... did NOT have... anything for me. Just... Questioning my life choices and that's about it. Now, this is a more traditional... Bowser level. Reminds me heavily of Corona Mountain. (Boss Nass voice) The planet corrrrrrre... Even the tanks are wearing hats. They know how to dress for a wedding. Oh wa-wa-wa-wait. I can use one of my famous tricks Da-ough! Pfffft-ogh! Dzst- AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH! This was my famous trick. BAAAOOOGH-(laughter) Nooooooo! I'd rather take the death. Holy shit, Chargin' Chuck!? Haha! Oh, awesome. I get to be a Chargin' Chuck. I get to- I get to use the Chargin' Chuck. And then when I'm done with them, Death. Woah... No shit, how is this frog still- so he gets- how is he alive? What? Frog gets so high! Abandonment. I just created a lifetime of abandonment issues for that frog Sometimes we don't think about the repercussions of our actions we have on people and frogs. Oh my god... what is fuckin Pauline doing here? She shouldn't be here for this... To celebrate... The wedding... Of the King Koopa What the hell?! Pauline what are you doing? "Just in time"? What do you mean "just in time"? You were gonna watch this thing without me? I'm sure this is gonna go real well for you... Bowser Always does. "Now, it's time for you to make like a bouquet and get thrown out." Holy shit! Your hat is stupid. In the dick! Ooh! Geez Oh, geez. Nnnnnggggg! (Mario voice) Luigi! I'm dyin'! No! Good. Yeah, you needed to get out of that outfit anyway. I'm sorry Mario, but your princess is in another castle She takes off her skin, and it's a fucking Broodal. Oh, you sexy rabbit. "Are those TWO alright?" Why do we care about Bowser? (Laughing) Ohohohoho! Oh boy. Oh, this is weird. Years of being bested by Mario all back in a moment. You are now in the sunken place. This is fucking awesome Like Bowser's in there somewhere, and he's screaming internally. This is pretty much like the best fucking thing ever Bows' be nimble, Bows' be quick. Bows' trying to get on that Mario dick. Get in there. [Chuckling] Does this mean the moon is gonna blow up? The fuck are we gonna do about tides? What? Woah, that shit was like a railgun. It's so corny, but it's making me smile. You must choose! Aw, please choose Bowser. P- Choose Luigi! (Laughs) Peach: "Let's go home!" (Laughing) Aw man, I was just hoping they would be friends. I was hope this- I was hoping this would be the beginning of a beautiful friendship between Bows' and Mario Where finally they put their differences aside; the series gets a new villain. Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna just tell you I love this game very much. ...and... Even if this was all there was... I would still feel like I got my money's worth. There it is. There it is. (Mario 64 voice) Thank-a you-a so much for to-! (Mario 64 voice) Thank-a you-a so much for to-!
Mario (interrupting): "Thank you so much for playing my game!" No, no, no, say it right. Say it right. (Mario 64 voice) Thank-a you-a so much for to playing my game-a!" (Rapping) Vinny it was japes! Vinny it was not japes! (Rapping) Vinny it was japes! Vinny it was not japes! (Rapping) Vinny it was japes! Vinny it was not japes! (Rapping) Vinny it was japes! (Rapping) Not japes! (Beatboxing) Buh badda bah beh! (Beatboxing) Duh bah beh! (Quietly beatboxing) Buh deh! (Quietly beatboxing) Debbadebbadebba!
