-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." [ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪♪♪ President Biden met with a bipartisan group
of lawmakers to discuss his $2 trillion
infrastructure plan. Unfortunately,
the meeting started late, 'cause of road closures
on I-90, 91, 92, 93, 94, and 95. [ Laughter ] Yep, Biden wanted to bring bot
parties together on this plan, but Republicans
don't seem interested, so make that one more bridge
that can't be built. [ Laughter ] Republicans say
too many projects are not traditional
infrastructure, to which Biden responded,
"Nonsense! First up, the Joe Biden Burrit
Stand and Trampoline Park. [ Laughter ] [ Fresh laughter ] To highlight why the infrastructure plan
is necessary, the White House issued
report cards for all 50 states and most states got a C or a C-. [ Crowd oohs ] Well, that's comforting. Okay, kids, get in the car Time to drive through
that C- tunnel. [ Laughter ]
There we go.
Roll 'em up, roll 'em up. Nobody knows what New York got 'cause the mailman
delivering the report card fell into a pothole
and still hasn't hit bottom. [ Laughter ]
"Heeeelp meee! [ Laughter ] What? What's going on? Tell my wiiiife --" Oh, forget it. [ Laughter ] Some sports news. The Masters golf tournamen
wrapped up this weekend. Yep, CBS aired the Masters
"60 Minutes," and then "NCIS." It was like Coachella for dads [ Laughter and applause ] But I want to say congrats
to Hideki Matsuyama, who just became the first
Japanese golfer to win the Masters! [ Cheering and applause ] He was great. This is real -- this morning Matsuyama was spotted
at the airport with the green jacket
just draped over his chair [ Laughter ] He's lugging around
the Masters jacket like it's a T-shirt
he bought at Hudson News. [ Laughter ] Matsuyama said he's honore
to receive the jacket and was just
putting it on the chair 'cause it was covered
in Cinnabon frosting. [ Laughter ] Some more sports news --
this went viral yesterday -- an 18-year-old
professional bowler who people call
"The Ginger Assassin" became the first player
to make a 7-10 split on TV in 30 years. Watch this. -Come on, kid, do it! [ Cheering ] He did it!
-He got the 7-10, Randy! -Yes!
-He did it! -He was then given
bowling's greatest prize, a green blazer with no sleeves [ Laughter ] Yeah, it was the most
amazing thing to happen in that bowling alle since Craig pulled a Casio watch
out of the claw machine. [ Laughter ] "Oh, my gosh, Craig!" You can always tell
someone's gonna be insanely good at bowling whe
they walk in wearing this. Am I right? Just like, "Whoa!"
Okay, we're playing two different games here, yeah you're dressed like that. I'm happy for that kid, though It's not often you get
to see history made next to this carpet. You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter and applause ] Some business news --
I saw that McDonald's is closing hundreds of its restaurant
that are located inside Walmarts
across the country. Yeah. A McDonald's inside a Walmart. Just put that inside
a Bass Pro Shop and you've got
a redneck turducken. [ Laughter and applause ] Speaking of fast food, Domino's is about to start
delivering pizzas using driverless robot cars. Amazing. Now, a multimillion-dollar robot can deliver
your $7.99 pizza combo. [ Laughter ] I find that a bit odd. And this is fun, though --
to ease the transition between human and robot
deliveries, the car will have
the faint smell of weed. -Oh, good. [ Laughter and applause ] -Right now,
the robot is telling itsel it's only doing this job
to save up money for studio time with its band. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, if all of this
seems too futuristic, Little Caesars is experimentin by delivering pizzas
with a catapult. [ Laughter ] Vwoop. More! Pull! Go! Brrrrr! -[ Small voice ] "Pizza, pizza!" [ Laughter ] -You actually sent
Little Caesar himself? [ Laughter ] What am I doing with six pizzas? -"Pizza, pizzaaaa!" -Oh, he just went
in that pothole. "Pizzaaaaaa! [ Echoing ] Piiiizzaaaa.
-"More cheeeese!" -Gotta go to the Hut! What?!
I gotta explore my options Can you hear me now? I'll take anything!" [ Laughter ] He's going over to Verizon this Little Caesar dude.
-Wow. -He doesn't care. Hey, man
-A lot of ads. Get this -- I saw that
two new budget airlines, Breeze Airways
and Avelo Airlines, are set to begin
flying this spring. Breeze isn't exactly
the best name for an airplane. Not really what you want
to feel while flying in a plane. [ Laughter ] "Somebody got the window down? Just like to do that. 600 miles an hour. I'm not saying they're cheap but they make
Spirit and Southwest look like Dolce & Gabbana,
do you know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
I'm not saying they're cheap but, when you take off, all the passengers
have to pedal. [ Laughter ] Instead of standard seating,
when you board the plane, the flight attendants just
hand you a folding chair. [ Laughter ] Passengers boarding both
Breeze and Avelo will be looking at each othe
at the gate like, [ Chuckles ] "Good luck. Wow." [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, the winners
of the Crystal Cabin Award came up with new concepts
for airplane layouts, and there were some
very interesting designs. Take a look at this one here [ Laughter ] Sitting across from each other That's the winning design? [ Laughter ] This was always
my big complaint about flying in a tiny cabin -
I couldn't lock eyes with a stranger eating
a tuna fish sandwich. [ Laughter and applause ] Nobody's ever walked in
anywhere and thought, "Yes! Communal tables!" [ Laughter ] Some entertainment news -- uh,
well, this is hard to believe, but one of the stars
of the movie "Big" says that, instead of Tom Hanks,
the producers originally wante Robert de Niro
in the leading role. -Ooh.
-Yeah, can you imagine? They even made a trailer. Watch this. -For Josh Baskin,
life was a little unfair, until he made a little wish. -I wish I were big. [ Alarm blares ]
-Sweetheart! It's 7:30. Are you up? Josh, get up!
Time for school! -You talkin' to me? -Who else would I be
talking to? You got to catch the bus. -You talkin' to me? -We're out of Dunkaroos. Is chocolate pudding
okay, instead? -Who the [bleep] do you thin
you're talking to? [ Laughter ] I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me? [ Laughter and applause ] -Different film.
I would've watched it. -Yeah. [ Cheering and applause ] -And, finally,
some hometown news. As the city continues
to open up from the pandemic New Yorkers are flocking
to plastic surgeons. Yeah, New Yorkers are like "Vaccines, Botox,
just stick a needle in us. [ Laughter ] Yep, New Yorkers are askin for their faces to be
pulled back so far, it actually looks like they're
happy to be back in the office [ Laughter and applause ] That's right, plastic surger
is so big in New York, earlier today,
a Central Park squirrel asked his doctor to remove
the wrinkles from his nuts [ Laughter and applause ] ♪♪♪♪ Even though vaccinations are up, studies show that a lot
of white, conservative men don't want to get vaccinated And now The White House is
trying to convince them to get a vaccine
by advertising on... [ Laughter ] That's right -- NASCAR, CMT,
and "Deadliest Catch." Basically,
Larry the Cable Guy's DVR. [ Laughter ] Yeah, and if this plan fails
The White House is just gonna include
the vaccine with every pack of Slim Jims [ Laughter and applause ] I think "Deadliest Catch" ca
actually reach conservatives Although, more careful viewers
will be like, "Before making a decision,
I want to get a second opinion from the 'Wicked Tuna' guys. [ Laughter ] That's right -- The White Hous
is using shows like "Deadliest Catch"
to try and reach out to vaccine-hesitant Americans Well, I was watching
TV last night, and I think they may be involved
with another show, as well -Yeah.
-Take a look at this. -Okay.
-I'd like to solve
the puzzle, Pat. -Go ahead. -"Get the vaccine,
you [bleep] morons." -Yeah! [ Cheering and applause ] -Really?
-I'd never seen anything like that.
-Wow! -I've never seen
this foul language. -I've been watching
television for years. -For a long time.
-And I've never seen
anything like that. -I've never seen anything
like that. That's disgusting. -It's also a good message,
maybe. -Good messaging, yeah,
but, still, rude. -Well, everyone was
talking about this. Today, the CDC and FDA
made a big vaccine announcement.
Listen to this. -The CDC and the FDA
have issued a joint statemen recommending a pause in the us of the Johnson & Johnson
vaccine. They are reviewing
six reported cases of a rare type of blood clot in people who have receive
the vaccine. -That's right --
they're recommending a pause And anyone who's ever been
dumped was like, "Oh, boy. We know what 'pause' means." [ Laughter ] -Nothing to do
with your Johnson. [ Laughter ] [ Rimshot ] -It's a family show. -Yeah, Johnson & Johnson.
Yeah, the vaccine. What did you -- Oh.
-Oh. -Get your mind
out of the gutter. I don't go
for that kind of humor. [ Laughter ] -Johnson & Johnson
is owned by the same famil who owns the New York Jets so don't think of this
as a pause. Think of it more like
a 50-year rebuild. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering ] [ Applause ] And, today, if you had
a Johnson & Johnson appointmen in New York,
they gave out Pfizer, instead. Yeah. It's like going
to a restaurant and hearing, "We're out of Coke. Is Dom Pérignon okay?" [ Laughter and applause ] After the news broke, Dr. Fauc
spoke at The White House and had this to say to peopl
who have recently received the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. -First of all,
don't get an anxiety reaction. If you look at what
we know, so far, there have been six
out of the 6.85 million doses, which is less than
one in a million. -Yeah. Fauci was like,
"Basically, the odds are about the same as me getting
drafted into the NBA." [ Laughter ] Seriously,
Fauci has a better chance of replacing
Regé-Jean Page in "Bridgerton. [ Laughter, cheering,
and applause ] You like that idea?
-Yeah. Yay. -Yeah, it's a really rare event. It's like seeing a working
self-checkout machine at CVS -Oh.
-That's how rare. [ Laughter and applause ] That's how rare.
-That's rare. -Well, guys, President Biden
signaled yesterday that he's willing to compromis
with Republicans on his infrastructure plan In fact, he's willing
to work with Republicans on all sorts of issues, and they're finding some prett
interesting ways to compromise For example, Biden wants to... [ Laughter and applause ] -Wow. -Take a look
at this next compromise. [ Cheering and applause ] And, finally... [ Cheering and applause ] Well, at least
they're working together. -That's the best one. -Well, here's some
business news. The CEO of Uber
recently said the company could start delivering weed, if it's decriminalized
at the federal level. And Uber drivers were like
"Right, we're going to 'start' delivering...weed. When you say so. [ Laughter and applause ] As soon as you say so, we're going to start distributing drugs. But you tell us when, 'cause
we're making a fine living now We don't need to do stuff
like that." [ Laughter ] Yep, soon, you can
order Uber Weed and Uber Eat at the same time
and have them race. [ Laughter and applause ] Check this out.
I saw that Pinterest just adde new guidelines
to encourage its users to be more positive and kind Pinterest. Yeah. They made the decision
after someone kept harassing people through quilts. ♪♪♪♪ Meanwhile, things have
gotten so out of control, over on Etsy,
they just started a fight club -Really?
-Yeah, absolutely. Well, here's a crazy story Usher was being criticized
for tipping dancers at a Las Vegas strip club
with fake money that had his face on it. [ Laughter ] Well, the club said that
it wasn't true, but someone from Usher's tea did leave some
of the money behind. Take a look. This is real. [ Laughter ] Yeah. In Usher's defense, George Washington
did the same thing anytime he went to a strip club.
-That's true. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -Yep, Usher is in hot water,
after he went to a Las Vegas strip club and used fake money
with his face on it. But he's saying the whole thin
is a big misunderstanding, so here now on the phone,
to discuss the situation is Usher. [ Cheering and applause ] Usher, are you there? -♪♪ Yeah! ♪♪ -Great. So... -Okay. [ Laughter ] -So you're saying this is
a big misunderstanding. Is that right? -♪♪ Yeah! ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but the fake money was
for a promo, but you actually
did pay with real money. -♪♪ Yeah! ♪♪ -I see. Well, I bet it fel
pretty bad when people were dragging you
online for no reason. -♪♪ Yeah! ♪♪ -But I understand you called
your friend Lil Jon for help What did he say
when you called him? -♪♪ Okay! ♪♪ [ Laughter and applause ] -Well, I hope everything get
ironed out this week, and thank you
for being here, Usher. -♪♪ Yeah! ♪♪
-Alright, there you go. Always nice to get
the last word in. -Oh, yeah, had to do it. [ Applause ] -Well, this is interesting I read that a team
of researchers at MIT unveiled new findings
that could lead to communication with spiders. -Ooh!
-If that works, the scientists will move on
to their next task -- communicating with a human [ Laughter ] "Well, you see, the spider.. Uh, well, you know,
the spider is sort of pretty I mean, you're not pretty. I mean, spiders aren't pretty.
You're pretty. But, I mean,
I wouldn't say that you are. You can have the --
You could take the spider, if you'd like to.
I'm just going to leave, and you stay here in the lab [ Laughter and applause ] I-I-I have to sit down." [ Laughter ] Finally, I saw that
the movie "Magic Mike" is being turned
into a reality show, -Oh.
-where 10 men will undergo
a full-body evolution and compete for the title
of The Real Magic Mike. [ Laughter ]
You know, after a year
of the pandemic, I think we've all gone
through a full-body evolution. [ Laughter ] Yep, the winner will receive
the prestigious title of The Real Magic Mike
and the grand prize of 1 million Usher bucks. -♪♪ Yeah! ♪♪ -Tensions are high
between Russia and Ukraine so President Biden just ha
a call with Vladimir Putin and he invited him
to meet in person. And, when they first meet, Putin
will hand Biden a box and say, "These are some of Donald'
things he left at my place Can you give to him? Thank you." [ Laughter and applause ] Yep, Biden asked Putin to meet
in a neutral third country Because meeting up with Puti is like buying something
off Craigslist. You want to meet
in a public place, where everyone can see you [ Laughter and applause ]
It's like, "Beanie Babies first,
cash second. You know the way this works. You show me
Mr. Peanut the Elephant, I show you the cash." [ Laughter ] But you can never trust Putin. He started the call by saying,
"Joe, give me Social Security number,
so I know it's really you. [ Laughter ] Yep, during the call,
Biden was pretty tough on Putin, over Russia's aggressive actions
towards Ukraine. Putin was like, "Ugh, this freakin' guy. He's like the poison
in my underpants. [ Laughter ]
Hello? Keep talking." You could tell Biden
was being tough, though, because Putin's translator
kept saying, "Oh, please don't make me
tell him that. [ Laughter ] Remember, Vlad,
I'm just a translator." And today, The White House
said their goal is to have a "predictable
relationship" with Russia. I mean, it's
already pretty predictable Every four years,
we have an election, and, every four years,
they try to hack it. [ Laughter ] But the president is busy. It was just announced that
Biden will deliver his first address to a joint
session of Congress two weeks from today. Yeah, it will be the first tim
in four years Nancy Pelosi will sit behind a presiden and not want to bang
the gavel on his head. [ Laughter ] Yep, Biden will deliver
the official address. Then, Trump will crash
a Mar-a-Lago wedding to give his rebuttal. [ Laughter ] And this is big -- today, Bide
made an important announcement about the war in Afghanistan
Listen to this. -After consulting closely
with our allies and partners with our military leaders
and intelligence personnel with our diplomats
and our development experts, with the Congress
and the vice president, I've concluded that it's tim
to end America's longest war It's time for American
troops to come home. -During his remarks,
Biden announced that withdrawal would begi
on May 1st. And then, when the troops ge
home, they're gonna be like, "Why are all the bars closed?" [ Laughter and applause ] "What's going on?" Get this -- Egypt has
seized the giant ship that blocked the Suez Canal. [ Laughter ]
And they're not letting it g until the owners pay
$900 million in damages. [ Audience ohhs ]
You know what? That story was so much fun
for the whole world. I'm sure we can get a GoFundMe
going to pay off the tab, right? [ Laughter and applause ] You can tell the ship
needs money, fast, because, today,
it started an OnlyFans. [ Laughter ] -All hands on deck. [ Laughter and applause ] -All hands on what?
-Deck. -Okay, yeah. [ Laughter and ohhs ] -Oh, wow! [ Laughter and applause ] -It's been a rough couple
of weeks for that captain. Today, he was eating Pringle and then got his hand
stuck in the can. "Oh, you've got to be
kidding me!" [ Laughter ] Well, this isn't good
for those of you trying to grill this summer.
Check this out. -Experts are predicting a possible pork shortage
this summer. They say, as restaurants reope and people start having
more social gatherings, pork products,
like hot dogs and bacon, may be hard to come by
this summer. -What?! [ Laughter ]
Oh, man! I was really looking forward to grilling up some swine
this summer. -Yeah. Sorry about that, Tariq -It's all good.
Well, at least I can still enjoy my favorite summer drink, a nice refreshing boba tea -Oh. -"Oh," what? -Roll the clip. -Running out of the boba tea What's behind a nationwide
shortage of tapioca pearls -What?! [ Laughter ] No pork or boba tea?! Well, at least I can still pla to relax in my pool
over the summer. -Well... -Don't say it. -Roll the clip. -For those of you planning to relax in your pool
over the summer, it could be in jeopardy,
due to a chlorine shortage [ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh, come on! -I mean, I'm sorry, Tariq. I'm sure you'll
find something fun to pass the time this summer -Yeah, I guess so. Maybe I'll buy a boat. -Looking to buy a boat, perhaps? [ Laughter ]
You may be out of luck. The recent events leading
to a boat shortage. [ Laughter ] -Maybe I'll look to buy
a new house or do a home
improvement project. -If you're looking
to buy a new house or do a home improvement
project, [ Laughter ]
you'll be paying more. A lumber shortage has
caused prices to skyrocket -Maybe I'll eat ketchup packet at some of the
biggest restaurant chains. -There's apparently
a ketchup package shortage and it's hitting some of the
biggest restaurant chains. [ Laughter ] -I give up. This summer is a bust! -Hey, come on, come on.
Look on the bright side. You're scheduled to get
your first vaccine. -That's true. -Which one are you
going to get, again? -Johnson & Johnson. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering ]
-Let's just move on. Let's move on. [ Laughter ] Get this -- there's
a new custom-made Ford Bronc going on sale for $400,000 Take a look at this thing. -Whoa.
-Wow! -MotorTrend says
its in-class towing can haul even the most fragile male egos. [ Laughter ] [ Cheering and applause ] [ Imitates engine revving Okay, alright, alright. -"It's got a horn!" [ Laughter ] -I read about a couple
over in England who ripped up an old carpe
in their house and found a life-sized Monopoly boar
underneath. Take a look at this thing. [ Audience oohs ]
Isn't that cool? Yeah. If you get mad during a game
on that Monopoly board, you have to flip over
the entire house. [ Laughter ] Unfortunately, the couple
can't leave the room until they finish the game It's the British version
of "Jumanji." [ Laughter ] The previous owners
must have been pretty wild because, when they pulled up
the carpet in the bedroom, they found a giant
"Twister" board. -Really?
-I'm just sayin', man. [ Audience oohs ]
-Ooh-la-la! ♪♪♪♪ -Some more important news
from the UK. Darius, the world's longes
rabbit, is missing. -Oh, no!
-He weighs 50 pounds. Here he is. [ Audience oohs ]
Yeah.
-Wow. -Well, they've put up
some missing posters for him Check it out. This one says... [ Laughter ] This next one says... [ Laughter ]
Up next, this one says... [ Laughter ] -[ Thinking ]
Oh, I can't believe I have to pretend
to laugh at this crap. Give me a break, man! -Next up, this one says... [ Laughter ]
The next one says... -[ Thinking ]
Eh, already got a Grammy, but I'm about to win an Osca
for this laughing. -Here's another one.
This one says... [ Laughter ]
Next up, this one says... [ Laughter ] -[ Thinking ] Oh, man. This is the funniest [bleep]
we've ever done. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Laughs ] [ Applause ] -And, finally...
-[ Laughing ] Oh, my God! [ Laughter ] -Glad you guys all enjoyed that. -Oh! Oh! Ohhh! Ohhh! [ Laughs ] Whew! -And, finally,
this made me laugh. Facebook made an error
and removed the official pag for the French town
Ville de Bitche. [ Laughter ] The error is being blamed
on a censoring algorithm, but a prime suspect is
a Facebook employee from the neighboring town Hole d'Arse.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Today,
the White House announced major sanctions against Russia for cyberattacks
and election interference. Yeah, this is all in response to
Russia's repeated hacking. Today, Biden told Americans, "Rest assured,
when you log on to Netscap and check your
AOL account, Jack, it'll be secure." When asked if he was
surprised by the sanctions Putin said, "No, I hacked e-mail and saw on schedule last week. Yep, the
Biden administration sanctione six Russian tech companies
including their popular streaming service, Nyetflix. -Oh! Nyet-- Because that's --
That's great. -Yeah.
Thank you, thank you, bud. But the Kremlin says
any U.S. sanctions are illegal -Ooh! -I like how the country
that poisons people's underpants is like, "No, hey, no,
that's not fair." Yeah, the sanctions are
pretty harsh, considering our past response to
election interference was a letter that said... Some more news
out of Washington. Today, Congressional Democrats
introduced a bill to expand the Supreme Cour
from 9 to 13 justices. -Ooh.
-Yep, Democrats are thinking Americans have gone up
four sizes in the last year. Why not the court, too? Of course, the Supreme Court
bench only fits nine people. So if this goes through,
they're gonna add a small folding table on the end
like it's Thanksgiving. Well, this is big. Today, the C.E.O. of Pfizer said
people will likely need a third booster dose
within 12 months of being fully vaccinated. Oh, man, I can't believe
we have to go through another year of vaccine selfies. [ Laughter ] Another dose? At this point,
people are thinking, "You know what?
Screw it. I'll take my chances with
the Johnson & Johnson." Yeah, Americans are like,
"I want my life to be saved, but I didn't know I'd have to go
to Rite Aid three times." [ Laughter ] Some travel news. A new CDC study found that
blocking middle seats on airplanes reduces
the risk of COVID exposure More importantly, it reduces the
risk of you having to hear "Hi, I'm Corey." [ Laughter ] I wish I had headphones.
I would put them on. I think I speak for all men when
I say forget the middle seat Let's focus on blocking ou
the middle urinal. -Yeah!
-That's right. -I mean, that's too close.
That's -- -Come on.
-Can we go sideways? What are we -- Just pee in the same urinal.
What are we doing? Well, guys, the Summer Olympic
are in less than 100 days, and Ralph Lauren just unveiled Team USA's
Closing Ceremony uniforms. Take a look. -Oh.
-Yeah, there they are, your Olympic athletes. Oh, hang on. Actually, they're here to set up
your cabana by the pool. [ Laughter ]
The athletes are coming. Can we see that picture again? [ Laughter ] Those uniforms look like
they're gonna tell me about their summer abroad. [ Laughter ] It looks like an ad for
a new sitcom called "Let Me Speak to Your Manager.
[ Laughter ] Meanwhile, Team Canada
also debuted their outfits and the jackets are
getting some attention. Look at this. Yeah. I know we haven't been able to
visit Canada for a year, but what the hell happened
up there? [ Laughter ] Denim jackets
can only mean one thing -- they just got
"The Breakfast Club" in Canada -♪♪ Don't you ♪♪ ♪♪ Forget about me ♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] -Speaking of our neighbors
to the north, yesterday, a Canadian lawmaker
was caught in the nude during a virtual meeting.
[ Audience groans ] Here's a photo. -Oh! -Being naked at home
is one thing, but that guy was in his office How does that happen? People alerted him right after they took
a million screen shots. Before putting on pants,
he was like, "It's cold here today in Canada.
Isn't it cold? Everyone's talking about
how cold it is." [ Laughter ] Some entertainment news. The new trailer for the latest
"Fast and Furious" movie, "F9, came out yesterday,
and it looks like it's still the same "Fast and Furious
that we all know and love. Check it out. -There's nothing
more important than family -Ugh!
[ Laughs ] -Except friends. But when your friends
are your family, that makes them double family. The only thing
that matters in life is friends being
family being friends while also being family,
a.k.a. friends, a.k.a. family. "Framily" is what I call
my friends family. And I'd do anything
for my framily or my fends which is what I call
my friends family's friends. Now, what do you say? Let's drive cars real fast -Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ] I got to go see that
with my framily. Well, this is interesting. Billions of cicadas will emerg
across the U.S. next month so a company is selling a
wearable bug-screen pod for $89. Take a look at this thing. [ Laughter ] Yeah, that's a bug screen
and definitely not a guy who just cut armhole
in his hamper. And, finally, a couple in
Australia was shocked to find a live venomous snak
in a bag of lettuce they bought at the supermarket Look at this thing. -Oh!
-Yeah. Australia was like, "We se
your shrimp tail, America, and raise you a live snake." And, meanwhile, if you count
the Canadian lawmaker, that's two surprise snakes
-Wow! [ Laughter and applause ] -The Department of Defense just made a pretty
shocking announcement. Watch this. -The Pentagon now confirming
and investigating this video of a UFO captured by Navy ships
in California. The big questions now, what exactly is
that mysterious object, and where did it come from -Anyway, have a great weekend,
everybody. [ Laughter ] ♪♪♪♪ Wow. Right now, there are only --
I mean, a UFO! There are only two explanation
for a random flying object It's either aliens or another gender reveal
that's gone way too far. [ Laughter ] Can we see the UFO again, Alex -Oh, my God. -It looks like
a Totino's Pizza Roll making its way
through our system. Can I see it? It's either a UFO or a Dorit
at the bottom of a pool. [ Laughter ] Nice to see the Navy
spent their military budge on Nokia flip-phone cameras. -Got it!
-Sure. It's a UFO. Hey, this is exciting. Today, President Biden had
his first in-person meetin with a foreign leader, hosting
the prime minister of Japan. -Ooh. -Yeah, when Biden started
telling him a story, the 12-hour flight
suddenly didn't seem so long [ Laughter ] "I used to go to Japan, and we used to cook the sush
on an engine block." [ Laughter ] What? Yeah, a 12-hour flight to
discuss problems facing Japan. Afterwards, the prime minister
was quoted as saying, "This could have been a Zoom." Some business news. I read that Subway
has been struggling and could be up for sale. -Ooh.
-Yeah. For some reason, peeling off sweaty cold cuts
like they're Post-it notes and slapping them on sugar bread isn't resonating
with customers anymore. It's hard to say
if Subway's struggles are from increased competition changing consumer patterns or maybe, I don't know, their spokesman
being in prison for pedophilia It could be -- Any of thos
could be the problem. -Yeah, it's a pick 'em.
I don't know which one. -I knew something was wron
with Subway when I dropped my sandwich
the other day and it bounced back on my plate. [ Laughter ] They got to switch things up
over there. Hey, if you're in the market
for a new car -- Anyone looking for a new car [ Cheers and applause ] Mercedes just unveiled
a $100,000 electric sedan, and it does more than just
get from you A to B. Watch this. -The new electric car
from Mercedes has all kinds of high-tech
features, including a nap mode The seat automatically recline
to a resting level. The interior lighting
and temperature adjust to soothing levels. The stereo provides
relaxing sounds, and a starry night
appears on the dashboard. [ Laughter ] -Yeah. -That's the feature
I've been missing. "I'll be right back, honey I'm just gonna go out for
a 70-mile-per-hour nap." [ Laughter ] Not to be outdone,
the new Hyundais have a little holder thing
for a pen. -Ooh. Class.
-Speaking of luxury, I saw that two unlikely brands
have teamed up to create some high-end
camping gear. Check this out. -Italian
luxury label Gucci is teaming up with outdoor recreation company
The North Face to take glamping
to a whole new level. This tent is part of
the North Face Gucci collection. The Gucci
North Face tent will cost you
close to $3,500. -Hmm.
-Yep. The Gucci camping tent
goes perfectly with your napping Mercedes [ Laughter ] -I was already thinking that
-You were? -Yeah.
-You should check it out. This is nice -- The tent als
comes with dry $20 bills that you can use as kindling -Oh! [ Laughter ] "Throw another hundy
in the fire, hon. I'm gonna go back
in the mansion." The Gucci tent is kind of weird. It's like being asked on the red
carpet, "Who are you wearing?" You're like,
"Dick's Sporting Goods." [ Light laughter ] What do you think of that? -Check, please. -Some more business news. Miller Lite -- Miller Lite
is selling one-sleeve T-shirts for people to wear
when they get the vaccine. Take a look at this. [ Laughter ] Yeah, a one-sleeve
Miller Lite T-shirt or as Walmart calls it,
"business casual." [ Laughter ] If you can't figure out
how to roll up a sleeve, I think you've already
had your Miller Time. It will be funny when you go
get the shot, and it's in the other arm. "The whole point of the shir
is to -- I'll just wear it backwards. Well, the fallout continue in the wake of
the Suez Canal blockage. There's now a shortage
of garden gnomes. -Ugh. [ Light laughter ] -Today, everyone working
at Travelocity looked at their gnome
like he was a Bitcoin. "We're rich!" This is interesting. In Siberia, a group
of volunteers cleaned up trash around the city on the anniversary
of the first human space flight. And they did it in style.
Watch this. [ Laughter ] Yeah. Is it me, or are the Disney+
spinoffs losing quality? Do you get that? If you're feeling like
you're having a bad day, just remember,
there's a guy in Siberia picking up trash in
a homemade Chewbacca costume [ Laughter ] And finally, a singer
in British Columbia just set the world record
for the lowest note ever recorded by a woman. Listen to this. -[ Deep voice ] ♪♪ La, la ♪♪ La, la ♪♪ ♪♪ La, la, laaaaaa ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -I think one more note, and her lunch would have mad
an appearance. That's actually bear for,
"Wow, is that tent Gucci?"
